life is a cabaret, old chum...

... one made of microtubules. this i wrote on fb, so rather than rewrite, am pasting it here bc what it describes is highly noteworthy:
Just watched 2010 BBC documentary "The Day I Died" on Youtube !!!!! Mind is separate from brain, microtubules within each cell operate as quantum computers, superposition & quantum entanglement allow consciousness to remain when the corpus dies; spooky & beautiful accounts from near-death survivors, plus the rationalist (skeptical) view to balance it all.. BBC pulled this doc after airing it, not wanting to be associated with "fringe" ideas, but... YOU GOTTA WATCH IT!! Its startling ideas baffled, excited & comforted me hugely & may you, too... jnypg
if that intrigues you, google stuart hameroff, one of the world's preeminent laborers in the field of microtubules & consciousness. fascinating research & theory! for more fun, google "qualia" & "seamus heaney," whom i studied & didn't appreciate as an undergrad, but do now in my relatively advanced (for me) years.
other than that, well, just was reminded today again life's quite a ride, quite a cabaret, quite a merry-go-round, quite an unpredictable baffling tamale... prompting a new song. haven't written a full one in quite some months.  a little sunshine on a cloudy day? more like a cathartic process i'm vitally fortunate to possess.
it's beautiful here. gonna blow this popstand for a bit to visit friend & family. arrividerci.

row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...

-> thank you, everybody, for being my friend. tomorrow, july 4th, i will celebrate 17 years of sobriety. i am overwhelmed this yr w/the feeling that i have lived a whole 2nd life as a sober person, & i know at this moment i'll strive to continue to do so, for this life, bumps, bruises, & all, is a life, rather than the too-often futile-seeming existence i have led... my life's changed significantly in the past few months, & as i've written here, i feel so grateful & amazed, but at this moment, after meditating over the moonrise, also a tad melancholy: i've shared sober birthdays w/people whom i may not see again. i just will have to hold them in my heart & believe that everyone is better this way, that the stream of destiny is carrying me so steadily & gently lately bc i am no longer fighting against its current... events are unfolding so easily now, i can't help feeling that i am beginning to "fulfill my destiny," even tho voicing that idea brings me some intellectual discord... i shall CHOOSE to believe! magic, spirit, beauty, transcendence are so much more captivating than cold hard seeming-fact (what truly is "objective," anyways?), so following my apparently supernatural leanings, perhaps there is purpose, direction, meaning i am to fulfill, even as tiny as i am in this universe. yes, in this moment i shall have faith in this fate, accept it, glory in & be grateful for it. and if it turns out to be coincidence, randomness, chaos, i'll find out eventually bc my life will take a different course (even that phrase, however, suggests intention)... for now, i will chance the notion that "right now" evidences the unfolding of some purpose & scheme i cannot understand. and i am very, very happy for it. and i have the feeling lately that i "must've done something right" to be getting this apparent reward...
-> i just sat outside at my mountain house & watched the beautiful maizey-full moon rise as the hushed sky darkened to indigo & quail chirped & clucked to one another & little bats & birds flew overhead & i remembered, suddenly remembered what a sad mess my life was 17 yrs ago on this very night & how it is now... truly i don't recall ever feeling this peaceful, happy, & grateful as i have approached a sobriety birthday. i have no anxiety, no worry, no what-ifs in my mind... only calmness & a sweet sense of serenity.
-> yes, somehow, from the absolute worst has come an incredible (for me) life. :) thank you again, so, so much; even if you don't know it, you help me & we are & always will remain connected.
"that man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest." (thoreau)
"thank you for all You have given me, for all You have taken away from me, for all You have left me." (anonymous)
love to you & yours, j

dads, dusk devils, prayers

angie & i are blessed to have the greatest dad, a father we could never have dreamed up. he is gentle, intelligent, humble, hard-working, a life-long servant of society (like mama, like angie), an iconoclast disguised as an astronaut, movie-star handsome in his youth & a head-turner still at age 70, & has ruined us both: we assume all handsome men are as good as gold, that is, good as dad.
they're not... tho i'm coming to realize in general they're not as bad as i've tended to think. if i live to be 100, i'll still not have much figured out, in other words...
today we celebrate our dad, as well as our wonderful, generous, voraciously bright mama, & it's a pleasant, balmy day in bakingfield, somehow not yet blazingly hot, &  this morning i sat in a meeting rm w/warm-hearted, brave drunks, one being my kind & dependable ex, & dusk devils somehow have shows upcoming tho tragedy befell our latest member several wks ago...
next, please send out kind thoughts of good health to eddie, candye, manuel, chet, terri, karen, as well as any whom you know are suffering or just needing support. there are so many! when i consider how things could be instead of how they are... well, again, wow... mustn't take any thing for granted, not anymore.
upcoming shows, dusk devils:
july 8 - big's fullerton w/karling abbeygate & other rockabillies
july 16 - mr t's bowl los angeles w/devil doll & other rockabillies & burlesquies
please surf the net for more details... happy pop's day to all. :)

it really looks like this! (pour me out & call me sugar. impossible to be bitter in these pts, after all.)

found this pic from life magazine - i believe it could be the road heading away from my very own house! it really looked that beautiful here today, in any case, after last night's storm... yes, anybody'd delight w/living in this lovely mountain town. today i made the rounds of locals shops w/small goal beyond being out & about... an old man named john, who volunteers @ the various thrift shops, smiled, clapped his hands, & exclaimed, "oh! you're back. you are so beautiful!" HE'S beautiful: straight-backed, coffee-colored, beaming broadly, today in neatly pressed turquoise shirt & shiny western belt buckle. i'm not special except in that john makes everyone feel special. he is one of the kindest & happiest fellows i've ever met! going place to place around the mtn, ppl were friendly, happy. the day was stunning! what was to keep ppl on the mtn from feeling joyful to some degree? this morning, a mist resembling snow danced around the sky, shiny particles swirling & tumbling in heavenly jitterbug, but the climate was too warm for snow; a deep sniff of air brought a clean fragrance of aliveness, refreshment, even the beach! it was magical, as is, i believe, this place, this golden mountain, these rocks, these trees, trees that sang & sighed & moaned during last night's storm. best of all was to share the evening w/my dear sister here, the palpable connection w/loved ones, & now to settle w/a book or maybe even a movie. gentle evening to all.
announcing: we have more gigs coming up
building: next wk, a labyrinth
cleaning: house, in several ways
deciding: whether to paint or not
emphasizing: to try to control others is to demean them
fine-tuning: new songs from the last few days
gravitating toward: a gentler & happier way (i hope)
hoping: for a full moon
ignoring: the mean ones
joking: with my sister tonight over dinner
kissing: roscoe & gusgus
listening to: the space heater, ocean sounds
meditating upon: acem
needing: rocks for my labyrinth
orienting: to new ways of thinking
postulating that: plants are sentient & therefore feel pain & therefore
questioning: what the heck do we eat?
reading: just kids by patti smith
stuck on: wonderment that i'm still here
thinking: dinner @ los pinos w/angie was sure good
unable to: fly
valuing: having been awakened again to life
wanting: a fire
x-amining: the evidence, instead of the voices in my head
yearning for: iceland, new orleans
zoning out: because of a full stomach

post 500: mister awesome tickles the ivories, rides & swings the B&W rails this new yrs eve!!!!

oh, what can i say about mister awesome, who gave me a piano lesson at a friend's hollywood apt several yrs back, except WOW? was supposed to go down to harvelle's last night to see gene, backed by original blasters minus professor phil... a storm hit!!! the weather was a-blowing and colld, colld, colld - "not fit for maaan or beast!" i made it in the house, freezing like a drowned rat, made it in thru the door & slammed it shut and... the place was so cozy, so christmasy, while outside blustered, sleeted, winds on the way up the grapevine @ 40mph...
i stayed in. the storm never ended. then blasters fan #1 lisa carin emailed today & said the band played 2 sets last night & it was beyond awesome... telling of my mind-state today, i feel not like i wanna put my head in an oven @ that happy news, but happy for all who got to witness it & excited about new yr's eve!, when gene & co play the final american show for this yr, @ the BELLY UP of all places! close to candye, freddie & bill, beach, temperate climate, & blazers memories (see link below for gene's schedule)... speaking of blazers, manuel/big manny's on tour in tx right now w/life-long buddy ruben (tho they no longer play together, for the most pt) doing the big manny christmas album! i hope they're having a swell time together... they've known each other over 40 yrs! they speak music & marx bros & more! so delighted manuel & ruben are together for this yuletide...
the gray matter is radiating calm happiness right now. hope you who read be experiencing this, too. :) to be not just still alive, but in a cozy mountain shelter w/music, visitors, food, things to read, some dough, able body & mostly cooperating coconut, friendships, love, & 2nd chances... well, what's there to be sad about? your particulars might be a bit different, but if you're with me, well, let's give thanks. happy christmas week to all. :)

gratitudes

(in no order)
1. aunty rita is getting out of the hospital
2. drummer randy got out of the hospital
3. phil & mark, funny generous buds
4. beautiful clear blue skies above & snow-capped mountains surrounding this usually smog-choked valley
5. sister angie visiting & cheering me up
6. noble, kindly former spouse
8. amy the angel, squarely in my corner
9. friends of bill
10. the pic above: drummer randy smiling confidently :)

discipline & unsung stories

- updike would rise early each a.m., head to his upstairs, & dutifully write for 3 hrs. kerouac supposedly wrote on the rd by feeding a 120-ft roll of paper into his typewriter & letting fly. somewhere between's people like me (neither disciplined nor dope-driven, most of us toil in obscurity, which is just fine w/me). as a kid, i loved nothing but the piano more than my portable olivetti, & i'd clack away daily at it: imitation chandler & hammett, detective stories, marx bros script, feverish tales of my cousin, sister & i meeting the beegees (i was a KID after all!). never finished a one, & my niece is now the same, tho she writes her feverish tales by hand & they revolve around androgynous j-rockers.
- as much as music, people, exercise, & finding shiny objects on the ground, i just love to write, & besides a behemoth of a masters thesis & yrs in jr reportage, i do it for self-expression -- tho i spose there's always a bit of social agenda there, since i AM a teacher from a family of teachers &, tho yes a little smudged by a kinda sordid but mostly garden-variety-drunk past, basically am a goody two-shoes... i like to be good, & i like people who read what i write to feel good, & i keep that in mind while writing. yes, nihilism, marker of my youth, is gone, & therefore, i guess, so are my tender yrs, & good riddance, i say!
- haven't written for many days, so it's time, is the idea. things’ve been up & down: lots of headaches/sore throats probably due to our poisonous air; much time w/family & friends; enjoying crisp-autumnal clime; did 1/2 marathon the other day & am still somewhat crippled by the bout (time was 2:19, not bad for a non-athlete like me)...
- see, i've always been in this place & tho for a while chronicled my mostly-drunken escapades in a comic (look to link @ right for true tales of glumglum), @ times i glaringly know i just don’t have much that’s exciting to write of.. however, i DO know people who’ve had fascinating lives, & i trumpet here & hope they read & are inspired to finally get some of their stories down!
- here, for instance, is my dear friend donna's nativity scene: step-dad is coming home off the rd; he's stand-in for hank snow when hank's too drunk to get on stage & sing. he walks in & donna's dear mom's laying across the kitchen table w/the other kids standing worriedly around, mom’s yelling, "i'm having the baby!!!", step-dad runs across the rm, slashes down the venetian blind cord & uses it to tie off & cut baby donna's umbilical cord.
- what a frigging entrance!! donna's hilarious & weird story "the worm" is at that link at right, & she has tons & tons more. what an amazing life, & she’s gotta lot more to live!
- and aunty rita? she lived all over the u.s. as well as in el salvador when uncle henry worked shutdown on nuke plants & she just bursts w/stories: armed guards escorting her to the mall in salvador; carjacked at gunpt in miami beach & then the thief got on the fwy & got stuck in a traffic jam & the cops got him; dancing w/merle haggard & all the honky-tonk hunks when she was the knockout-life of the party in the 50s-60s; living on buttermilk & cigarettes a smitten cowboy’d bring her every single morning to nurse her hangovers when she worked at the bank; coming to in the bushes & knocking on the window, but her sister wouldn't let her in the house… (well, ok, i DID live that particular story…) my long-time friend, big gruff dm, tells of partying at his friend chief’s pad while dm was a hollywood high student, putting down the bong to espy a stretch limo outside, & next thing he knows, in walks elvis! yes, none of these stories’ve been written down… til now… so you read it here 1st! :)
- i should be more like dad, local historian, who gets wind of others’ fascinating lives & patiently but doggedly pursues til they spill. dad, the quiet but politely subversive gentleman w/matinee looks who always has lived w/in 10 miles of his birth, is someone who thrills @ others’ narratives (b rode sidecar as a motorcycle ice racer in colorado; uncle henry went out on the nuclear sub, where they couldn’t shower for the 1st month cause the stalls were filled w/smokes & booze; steve strelich stood in for movie stars, did marathon swims & dances, & met a dictator before starting up a wrestling arena that still stands here in bakersfield). yes, dad really listens & truly loves interviewing & getting down on paper the adventures of others. he honors others, in so doing! please click here to read some of dad’s work: www.gilbertgia.com
- well, aside from getting marmalade at the bent ‘n’ dent for my students (who’ve never heard of or tasted it) & some terrific books @ the goodwill, "my" tale for tonight’s been told, so if you’ve got a story that needs telling, post it, post it, cause why the heck not??! life’s too short to sit back & wait for someone else to sing your story, & even if you’ve not traveled far, as folks  mentioned here have, i believe that a tale well-told can take place right in your kitchen, bathroom, backyard, or noggin...

"be true to your work, your word, & your friend": monkey bites & lucky 13 other good things

1. the lost rocker al hendrix (bakersfield's 1st rock & roller!) has a new video - he resembles grandpa munster, but much cooler!: - the original of this song, & my favorite al song, "shaving lotion," is available at http://www.myspace.com/alhendrix1 & read there for more info on swell all, who's coming to bako on nov 1 for pioneer days!
2. at our last show, which went pretty rocky (staid crowd, to put it mildly, more interested in jawing than our music), friends walked in looking like tv actors... one was grinning ear to ear &, not noticing the sedate crowd, swept up this woman & started dancing like mad! he grabbed his camera & wanted to snap pix w/"the star" (me), & altho those pix are perhaps forever lost in his camera/on his pc, it was a nice moment.
3. the evening picked up & i got, more than singing or showmanship, compliments on my piano playing, which is amazing to me...
4. after this seemingly unending eve, philbert & i danced one & he dipped me! philbert, my friend, you are a lifesaver at times & maybe don't even know it. :)
5. randy, such a generous gentleman, chauffeured us there & supped us all up at a nice tehachapi joint. we are so lucky to have him! i need to do what i can to make the evenings less stressful for him, tho... so appreciate randy & the others. :)
6. did super yoga for ONE HOUR!!! it was great fun, but i definitely felt it later...
7. went to kc fair... it was a nice time, tho 200 degrees outside, esp playing w/soap bubbles in the kiddy sci section... then we drove up the hill tw tehachapi to see cesar chavez's grave, beautifully landscaped, at la paz in keene, peaceful, holy, spare, landscaped in a style redolent of new mexico. the quote above chavez's tomb teared me up, but of course i can't recall it now... then we had the most wonderful dinner at la bella amore in tehachapi - glittering lights, great food, etta james piped in (& the owner even knew of etta! so that made two times - the other being when penny knew about prof longhair - that i've met women in kern county who knew the music i do!!!!)... i had a moment of sort of romantic wonder, listening to etta & dreaming on those lights, stepped out of time/place/space, & was grateful, so grateful. life is so beautiful in those brief moments when my vision clears & i really can see...
8. went to LA fair w/my friend donna & saw gorgeous african horticulture, the happy, teeming city that is the fair, no chinese acrobats or sky-tram this yr, just nice hanging-out time w/my dear amiga & her beautiful smart friendly quirky teenagers. donna is all strength, but kind & tender, too, & i'm so fortunate to have known her these 18 yrs... we went to dinner at a place an ex i had in that area used to promise he'd take me (but never did). over chicken fried steak, liver & onions, rolls, baked potatoes, a real hearty home-cooked kind of meal, we laughed & talked about surviving misery & life & men & lessons learned & toasted lee for never taking me there so that i finally could go w/donna...
9. got these crazy skecher shoes called "shape-ups"... they were also crazy-expensive, but how could i say no to the nice shoe saleslady? they already were on my feet. these things are ugly as sin (i wear them, in that sense, in memory of uncle henry, who said i buy all my shoes from "the ugly shoe store"), but just walking in them straightens your posture & works your legs & rear! that's right, just walking in them makes you healthier! you're supposed to wear them for 25 mins & slowly build up, but of course i wore them for 4 days straight & was sore as a mule!!! i'm sure it's just a trend, but what terrific fun in footwear...
10. my friend gary wray's talking about making a little short film, silent movie style, in which greg goodsell & i'll play kids! ha! it sounded from our conversation like john waters meets little rascals. perfect! :) we're looking for 3 actorly types to play hobos... please email me if you've got a real mug & would fit the part!
11. every day, & especially during the "hard times" from which i've recently emerged, i go to work & thank the universe for the students at my school, angels, all... if i pay attn,1there's no way to disavow life when amongst such promise & innocence; they make a person happy to be there, to watch them grow, to appreciate them. they refresh!
12. the weather's cooling & the best time of yr (besides spring) has arrived. the weekend was wonderful (w/one speed bump). a smartly-presented education seminar at csub affirmed a lot i already know & contained an interesting exercise involving one of my favorite novellas, "dr jekyll & mr hyde." saw big dan there as well as a few good people from the past... my sister angie worked her butt off at via arte, the annual sidewalk art show at the mktplace. my sister is talented, a survivor, funny, smart, stylish, & generous w/her students. she is a good role model for me in these ways, as is dad & beautiful mama, who has been coming to school regularly to help my little valerie learn to read. valerie read words for me for the 1st time today, after working w/mama, & her little face glowed w/such gratitude & happiness, how could i say there's no god in nature? if i really think of it, i want to blubber, so let's move on except to say mama is an angel & i'm so proud to be her daughter. :)
13. my little house lately is comfortable, warm, & homey. i watched movies this wkend, scary & imaginative, & tonight look fwd, after bba hw, to reading (thoreau, how the beatles destroyed rock&roll). friendships continue to build & deepen & i've been assured that as i clean out the crap, have realizations, & my faith becomes freed to grow, so will my patience, love, trust in others, honesty. i believe they will, if i work for them, & i want to do the work! anything's better than where i was these past months... am grateful for so many: gina marie, brigette, amy, pat, jani, angie, donna, dan, dan, art w, art f, m.mike, thursday & sunday friends of bill, facebook friends, students, mom & dad, aunt rita, work friends, linda, brian. tomorrow i get to see strong, loving, honest gina marie, then practice w/my 3 of my favorite guys. life is good & i'm so glad i lived out the gloom. love to you who read, & oh wow: read these!: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/h/henry_david_thoreau.html
& now, "it's good for the young, good for the old, i like myself a little rock & roll, so come on"...

still not pushing up daisies

- spring fest: beautiful weather; great crew & staff; nice dressing room; humungous stage!! (note photos above - we all look like ants, tho brian got a great close-up of the men.) totally blinding spotlight!! i could see dear mom & dad & ramirezes out there, not really much else... on the periphery, some figures dancing, kids running around, stacy from rabobank singing along!... mark was really sick. phil kicked butt!!! rick was solid. i made it thru the set w/some voice still left, but it was raspier & more painful the longer we went. drank too many energy drinks to make it thru; made it home & buzzed buzzed buzzed like a bumblebee for hrs.
- the nicest moment was during sound check. we finished, & i heard a child's voice: "mrs b!" it was one of my favorite library students. her eyes were lit up & she was grinning ear to ear. "i didn't know you were a singer," she said sweetly. i swear those eyes were full of love. that's how kids are. :) i know i love them, anyhow.
- after the show, a young teacher i know brought his little girls up & they hugged me. before the show, david & yolanda brought their grandkids to the dressing rm. i am so fortunate.
- and today, i only kind of feel like i have the plague. there is hope!!!!
- we have many shows coming up. maybe at one, we'll all be well. :) wouldn't that be something???? all shows are listed at www.myspace.com/theduskdevils ... a most blessed & beautiful day to any who might read this...

dolly sez... el cid's a really cool joint. and more...

a friend alluded to this quote, & i like it, so here it is: "i think of my make-up as a box of crayons & i look at myself as a blank canvas – i like getting paint on there. it makes me feel better. i'm not a natural beauty. it's not that i'm beautiful w/all that s**t, either – it's just that's what i enjoy & what makes me comfortable." amen.
ronnie mack's barn dance at el cid in smelLAy was great fun. :) i'm still recovering, 2 days later, & i don't even drink!! carilu, western band leader & nurse, had a warm demeanor & powerful, truthful-kinda voice that made art go "whoa." her 1st song, i said, had that bayou swing, & he just looked over & grinned like a kid in a candy store. dear manuel was there w/his friend max & we did the encore together, the one we'd practiced over the cell phone, but not in person! what fun it was to be on stage w/manuel, as well as my "handsome ugly guy" band, as mark calls them (he's wrong. they're character-actor handsome, i think). :) they brought their families & friends & all seemed to have a great time eating, drinking, & hanging out at a really cool venue...
more folks than usual took pix; i've just seen two sets, w/many strange "singing-face" pix of me!! (it's good for my ego to see them, how weird i can look...) :) you can see more pix at www.myspace.com/electricearl, in fact (thk you, earl, & how nice to finally meet you.) the pix here are from dear brian, & the nicknames you read are phil's. :)
i think more folks showed at el cid than sometimes do in bako, among them young cody; blue-eyed smokey miles aka count smokula; art; maureena; russell scott; ray campi; twinkle-toes walter vb; burnin' mike vernon of austin; rabkid david; & more! skip edwards & harry orlove were there in the awesome house band, & more musicians whose mugs but names i don't know. i thanked ronnie mack for having us as we left the stage & he took my hand & said gently, w/a sort of weary lincoln-esque smile, "you are wonderful." :) i heard skip heller dedicated a song to the band, but i missed it while talking side-stage w/all the nice folks who came up afterward. david serby was kind & complimentary, & my regret is we had to get on the road home to work the next morning & missed his set. next time, i hope!... there might be more to say about the eve, but i can't recall right now... so it's off to the drunks for me. :) next we gear up for our show oct. 18 w/dear candye kane in san diego. woo-hoo!
a beautiful weekend to all who read this... be gooooooood, or at least be. :)