row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...

-> thank you, everybody, for being my friend. tomorrow, july 4th, i will celebrate 17 years of sobriety. i am overwhelmed this yr w/the feeling that i have lived a whole 2nd life as a sober person, & i know at this moment i'll strive to continue to do so, for this life, bumps, bruises, & all, is a life, rather than the too-often futile-seeming existence i have led... my life's changed significantly in the past few months, & as i've written here, i feel so grateful & amazed, but at this moment, after meditating over the moonrise, also a tad melancholy: i've shared sober birthdays w/people whom i may not see again. i just will have to hold them in my heart & believe that everyone is better this way, that the stream of destiny is carrying me so steadily & gently lately bc i am no longer fighting against its current... events are unfolding so easily now, i can't help feeling that i am beginning to "fulfill my destiny," even tho voicing that idea brings me some intellectual discord... i shall CHOOSE to believe! magic, spirit, beauty, transcendence are so much more captivating than cold hard seeming-fact (what truly is "objective," anyways?), so following my apparently supernatural leanings, perhaps there is purpose, direction, meaning i am to fulfill, even as tiny as i am in this universe. yes, in this moment i shall have faith in this fate, accept it, glory in & be grateful for it. and if it turns out to be coincidence, randomness, chaos, i'll find out eventually bc my life will take a different course (even that phrase, however, suggests intention)... for now, i will chance the notion that "right now" evidences the unfolding of some purpose & scheme i cannot understand. and i am very, very happy for it. and i have the feeling lately that i "must've done something right" to be getting this apparent reward...
-> i just sat outside at my mountain house & watched the beautiful maizey-full moon rise as the hushed sky darkened to indigo & quail chirped & clucked to one another & little bats & birds flew overhead & i remembered, suddenly remembered what a sad mess my life was 17 yrs ago on this very night & how it is now... truly i don't recall ever feeling this peaceful, happy, & grateful as i have approached a sobriety birthday. i have no anxiety, no worry, no what-ifs in my mind... only calmness & a sweet sense of serenity.
-> yes, somehow, from the absolute worst has come an incredible (for me) life. :) thank you again, so, so much; even if you don't know it, you help me & we are & always will remain connected.
"that man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest." (thoreau)
"thank you for all You have given me, for all You have taken away from me, for all You have left me." (anonymous)
love to you & yours, j

now i know why phil's always so tired when he comes to practice from work...

phil hickerson old-school wrestling clip
three things about this clip make me happy:
1. this phil hickerson was a heel from memphis, as was sputnik monroe, integrationist & hero
2. the video setting much resembles that in a scene from my most favorite movie so far this yr, "the wrestler," & w/o the stomach-churning gore
3. the guy dressed as elvis (naturally)
- read below about our upcoming shows, as well as at duskdevils on myspace (i finally got all the dates & times straight)

pretty little angel eyes pretty little angel eyes pretty little angel pretty little angel pretty little angel eyes... more blablabla!

(curtis lee & the halos, phil spector, producer, a tune 1000s of females like me used to hear from beaus.) just read art fein's updated page at www.sofein.com (some thought-provoking & also funny stuff - read the ones about bob barker & the dif betw lyrics & music!)... 1st there's his monthly "1st record/1st show" page. this month's - very interesting! well-written! nostalgic! then you get to the bottom & holy crud - it was written by art's friend, "the greatest record producer in the world," phil spector!! then right below this is my name & a link to the "rockin 50s report"! the proximity threw me a tad, & so i write about it, cause greg goodsell & i met lana clarkson, the actress who died in spector's house, just the day before the shooting, at a monster movie-vamp convention down south. i remember thinking, wow! skin-tight leopard outfit & big leopard cowboy hat, very blondly glamorous-beautiful & polite & friendly, & next day, she's dead... the "connection" means nothing, but i still can't help but feel just a little weird & sad. elsewhere on art's page are pix of the band i saw down south, 3 balls of fire, plus THE original BLASTERS!!!! i had gone down (i thought) to see them, but that didn't work out, then 4 days later, i find out they're playing that night in hollywood... drat! just couldn't make the drive again, last sec like that. then art reported the blasters show had no "magic" & "lots of tension" betw the alvin bros, so guess i got lucky, catching a moody, spirited, dramatic 3BOF show w/net buddies instead of a sour blasters show. that would've been a real bummer!... one-woman band update: thx to captain morgan, local musico, i got a high-hat stand: whatta guy! this young punk gal stokely earlier sold me a couple other drum pieces, & i had the bass drum from ex-dusk devils bassist philbeaux, so there you go. i've got about 5 songs worked up so far. it's a dang challenge, trying to get the boom-chicks vs chick-booms right while playing piano & singing, but i think i'll be able to do it. then i go on the road w/3 chord whore... hahaha!! :) & bloodshot bill & i have a date for 2011, when he can come back in the u.s. i've gotten many kind comments here, on myspace, bakotopia, email re my 2 songs at scott's memorial. as a pal told me, re the one-gal band, "maybe you're on to something here"... who knows? never hurts trying!
in short, w/progress coming big-time on thesis (i think it's gonna clock 150-200 pgs!!), upcoming debut show w/old 99 pending, & wonderful family festivities yesterday & fellowshipping today, this 4th of july week has been bless-ed. :) my sponsor calls herself "the luckiest woman in the world," & today i really knew how a person can feel that for herself. it's not an exclusive feeling, either - you, also, can be the luckiest person in your own world, & i can be happy for you & share in it. we both are bettered in the realization. :) vaya con dios, mis amigos y amigas!!!