no blablablablabla! happy june!!!!!

how are you? i just haven't felt like writing lately... all is swell! :D we are busy with life. here are some pix. this upcoming week we start our duo gigs... i will write more later, mebbe... life is goooood, to quote geoffrey holder (r.i.p.), the un-cola genie of commercials of old (as well as renaissance man & recurring figure in james's dreams!)...

happy thanksgiving tomorrow!

s.n. goenka, 1924-2013: who human could not love this face??

like you, maybe, i've long not believed the traditional thanksgiving lore, but still, this year i choose to celebrate it as a time for family & love & gratitude (& great food!!), not as the beginning of a genocide... there is so, so, so much for which to be thankful, both good, bad, & medium or mediocre! here is to "anicca, anicca, anicca," to equanimity & awareness.
a wise & wonderful human, r.i.p.
a beautiful & grueling experience that can change you for the better, if you take it seriously
i got to make a new friend in my roommate joyce; hike a 1/4 mile uphill repeatedly each day; experience searing, excruciatingly knife-like pain that gradually abated while sitting "with firm determination" for one hour over & over & over; turn over life stones & have ah-ha's while in deep meditation after listening to audios of wonderful goenkaji, who at times sounded to me like a grandfatherly bela lugosi; enjoy nightly "dhamma talks" delivered by wise goenka; eat delicious nutrient-packed food; see a glimmer of enlightenment... & write 10 songs clandestinely, on rolls of paper towels! what joy i experienced, to realize i could both bust out new tunes & then re-submerge into the deep stream of vipassana... thank you, good universe!!

i am so disappointed.... whinewhinewhine blablablablablablablablabla

how disappointed?
i am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo disappointed. and dumbfounded. and confused. and offended. and nervous, whereas before i felt happy, even hopeful and content.
i also feel somewhat heartbroken. and angry, tho that's hard to admit.
this, too, shall pass.
the only constant is change.
tonight over dinner, aunty rita, on a different topic, summed it up (the topic had been someone who has been judgmental): "he oughta look in a mirror."
"let he who is without sin cast the first stone." that's sure true. and you're certainly casting a stone my way if you dug around for one to begin with. as my husband would say, "KNOW THAT."
so on to nice things: the house in the mountains is getting all cleaned up to make room for future permanent residence for two; i did hours of much-needed yardwork today (i love doing yardwork! the sun beamed down so beautifully! the air was so crisp, so fresh! somehow, the rosemary lives on!); skinny the cat showed up & was her old, friendly self, bumping & bustling about, more canine than feline, i think; i dropped belated, appreciated yuletide gifts to a happy friend bursting w/good news; i was greeted here at the family home & had that warm, christmas-carolish feeling i get sometimes when here, like there's never too much love or good cheer or warm-hearted generosity of spirit.. & now i'm swathed in borrowed bundlery (is that a word? who cares) in a loving household of which i'm lucky to be a part."you're a good egg," said brother-in-law doug (who'd certainly know cause he's one big ole good egg, for sure) over delicious mama-cooked-with-love dinner of enchiladas, chile relleno casserole, beans, rice, salad, "in a family of good eggs..."
yes, everyone in this family is welcomed to take part in the good eggery. better good than rotten. that just seems obvious, doesn't it?

we'll drink a cup of kindness yet for auld lang syne...

- this new year's eve carried an unprecedented barge of myriad emotion. someone whom many love was taken suddenly, seriously ill yesterday &, hospitalized, had to be replaced last-second. sadness pervaded the evening, & continues! a couple whom we love dearly reunited, but rome wasn't built in a day, & repairs & renovations, undergoing, take time. yes, at times like these, of sadness, confusion, tragedy, it's easy maybe, or old habit, to just check out. but we can't ever give up! never! think of the 1000 poems, metaphors, aphorisms that urge thusly: always keep trying, for who wants the alternative? not me! at least not right now! the grave certainly awaits us all… why court its cold comfort now?
- the elliots showed up last night, full of sober cheer, two happy peas in a pod.
me: how are you guys?
james e: not dead yet!
me: not pushing up daisies!
(we all laugh cause we all have known hell, especially james & james, i think, & none of us live there these days 'cept when those bad chemicals flood our brains or we choose to…)
- yes, the whole month of december, good riddance to you! as for january, this was the time of yr when we first met, at the elvis show in 2010, when james looked in my eyes & said, "do you feel it, too? is it just ME?" & something in my heart when ker-FLUNK! this also is the time of yr when we found each other again. i pronounce, declare, & fervently hope that this is the time of year when the sadness of winter can turn toward new promise. solstice has passed; we're heading now into a new light. what do you say? :D
- last night at eclectic & mysterious house of hayden, where james played for NY eve, i got to sit with marshall, the gentlemanly tough-guy & james's dear & devoted friend, & friendly, bubbly tessie, of whom james always delights, "she kissed eddie!" (his beloved & long-gone brother). i was so touched to receive a book, signed by tom shadyac, from beautiful bobbi, nicholas, donna, & rick. wow! such thoughtful kindness: thank you to you all! ... john b & i  laughed & yelled out swears of joy as james honked out thrilling & amazing, rip-roaring harmonica & singing; the whole while, his gal monique never missed a step in her smiling dance reverie, dressed to the 9s, an amazonian marilyn who is one part snoopy… we heard that a huge show with heavy cover nearby was pretty empty that night, so we were happy that house of hayden was pretty full to packed all night long! dave & jackie had to be pretty happy with the way the show turned out, & at midnight, the establishment graciously passed out champagne flutes to all (tho i didn't get to drink mine, oh well; i got to stay sober one more new year's!) & dropped a net of multicolored balloons & sparkly things at the stroke of 12. yes, dave hayden knows how to make a thing beautiful, for sure, with his keen artsy eye and attention to details…
- today has turned into a promising beginning for a new year: we have been ultra slugs with no worry of rushing off to do anything, jamesjr showed me his new ginormous television, we all had pizza, i've been reading my book, & that's about it except for posting this blog. here are some pix from last night; i'm going back to bed now to finish this one (better off by eric brende) before starting that one (life's operating manual by tom shadyac). :)

james's favorite pic of us from new year's eve (from billy f)

thank you, tessie, for capturing this moment!

a moment later, billy folsom took this one. his photos, on Facebook under the page called "dumb biker visions," are worth looking up!

there can be no veil for this...

- so i won't write about it. cept in my journal, that is. actually, i can't adequately write about it... too amazing. seemingly. at this moment. who knows what tomorrow'll bring. my life has become wondrous in a way i never thought it could. was trying hard to resist, but when i let go... well, i wish all well.
- but in another vein, yesterday i got to go hiking w/two new friends & one i've known for 20 yrs, tho not well, andy noise, who had a record store in bk forever... what a nice experience! andy heads the bakersfield distance project & i'm hoping to work w/him as my at-least part time trainer to prep for my 45-mile birthday walk... the day was really swell & the scenery beautiful, but unfortunately i filled my camelback bag too hurriedly (they pulled up & i was still watching howlin wolf videos online -- eep!), & the sucker leaked all over me for the entire hike, all the way up to the summit of mt pinos, along sawtooth pass, for a good 3 hrs, & a cold snap had hit... so that combined w/happily, crazily burning the candle at both ends this past wk has put me in a sick bed...
- got to watch, tho, the coolest max fleischer cartoons, betty boops featuring louis armstrong & cab calloway, & eat the last pretzels in this house w/pb packets mama bought me for france, but which i didn't take...
(- so much i write on here is veiled... hope it's not too annoying for you who read... i always try to remember that my experiences are universal cause we're all pink meat & white bone underneath, to paraphrase carl perkins -- nothing i do is novel, really...) anyways, here's some unobfuscated stuff:
- today at 530, boxcar 7, a band recommended by ed boswell, will play for free at the pine mountain club clubhouse (actually, out on the lawn). bartending will be dusk devils robbie! i don't know if anyone on earth from the mountain will see this in time, but if too late, know there are music events & robbie drinks going on up at the PMC clubhouse all the time...
- tomorrow, sunday, is a rockabilly bbq in santa clarita, ca. dusk devils are on at 530 pm, karling & the atomics at 930 pm... it should be swell fun! here's the flyer:

row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...

-> thank you, everybody, for being my friend. tomorrow, july 4th, i will celebrate 17 years of sobriety. i am overwhelmed this yr w/the feeling that i have lived a whole 2nd life as a sober person, & i know at this moment i'll strive to continue to do so, for this life, bumps, bruises, & all, is a life, rather than the too-often futile-seeming existence i have led... my life's changed significantly in the past few months, & as i've written here, i feel so grateful & amazed, but at this moment, after meditating over the moonrise, also a tad melancholy: i've shared sober birthdays w/people whom i may not see again. i just will have to hold them in my heart & believe that everyone is better this way, that the stream of destiny is carrying me so steadily & gently lately bc i am no longer fighting against its current... events are unfolding so easily now, i can't help feeling that i am beginning to "fulfill my destiny," even tho voicing that idea brings me some intellectual discord... i shall CHOOSE to believe! magic, spirit, beauty, transcendence are so much more captivating than cold hard seeming-fact (what truly is "objective," anyways?), so following my apparently supernatural leanings, perhaps there is purpose, direction, meaning i am to fulfill, even as tiny as i am in this universe. yes, in this moment i shall have faith in this fate, accept it, glory in & be grateful for it. and if it turns out to be coincidence, randomness, chaos, i'll find out eventually bc my life will take a different course (even that phrase, however, suggests intention)... for now, i will chance the notion that "right now" evidences the unfolding of some purpose & scheme i cannot understand. and i am very, very happy for it. and i have the feeling lately that i "must've done something right" to be getting this apparent reward...
-> i just sat outside at my mountain house & watched the beautiful maizey-full moon rise as the hushed sky darkened to indigo & quail chirped & clucked to one another & little bats & birds flew overhead & i remembered, suddenly remembered what a sad mess my life was 17 yrs ago on this very night & how it is now... truly i don't recall ever feeling this peaceful, happy, & grateful as i have approached a sobriety birthday. i have no anxiety, no worry, no what-ifs in my mind... only calmness & a sweet sense of serenity.
-> yes, somehow, from the absolute worst has come an incredible (for me) life. :) thank you again, so, so much; even if you don't know it, you help me & we are & always will remain connected.
"that man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest." (thoreau)
"thank you for all You have given me, for all You have taken away from me, for all You have left me." (anonymous)
love to you & yours, j

1840 miles, 7 days

dang! can't believe i'm home! when i left, it was still summer -- have come home to crystal-clear & crisply-cool, fragrant early-morning mountain autumn!
too strung out to sleep -- still vibrating from the road. left abq nm yesterday, slept 4 hrs in the backseat of my good old truck... wow! so grateful to have had such a wonderful road trip, so grateful to be home. more later... carino to anyone reading this... :)

bless-ed.

in the old days, the word "blessed" or anything resembling it would've made me puke. but over the holidays, i rented my house thru the site airb&b, & i do feel blessed w/the way things went down.
"strangers? aren't you worried they might trash your house?" an aunt of mine asked. no, i wasn't; i was forthright in describing my house: nothing fancy, but w/beautiful vws & wonderful other perks, i feel, that wouldn't appeal to insincere ppl, mebbe. no real amenities except star-gazing, hiking, mountains, clean air, fireplace, cozy cabin-like ambience, etc. i sensed anyone who'd choose my place would appreciate it as a humble & friendly place... or maybe i'd be wrong & they'd trash it. we'd see how it would go, but i had a feeling all would be ok.
never realized how messy my place was til a young family reserved it for christmas. yipes!! i started scrubbing. for 3 days. :) then a darling young girl & her cute, bubbly mom showed up @ the door. their story sounded sadly too-typical of what's up today in the usa: dad lost job, family had to separate for economic reasons, mom & daughter stay w/grandma while mom finishes school, dad lives in entirely separate town. a young family wrenched apart. "i've been looking for a place i could afford so we could all be together for the holidays," smiled mom. "i'm so grateful; i can't even tell you!" she enthused in 10 different ways how much she loved my house & hugged her little girl. "she's been so brave," she said. the little girl smiled & hugged me when i left. "have fun, sweety!" i said. my heart swelled & i sniffled & smiled w/gratitude down the hill to bako. what a christmas, to be renting my place so that i might have a little dough, but then for THIS family to get to be together bc of it!
then someone i know asked, "did you meet the father?" no, replied i.
worry temporarily set in. what if he's just out of prison, unrepentant? outlaw biker? mean drunk? what if mom & girl were just waiting for me to leave so they could bring in bad papa?
good sense returned. bah - nonsense. as mama said, "it's CHRISTMAS!" (this translates as, "all are welcome, we love everyone, we trust everyone." this is sort of mama's credo all the time, tho.)
my christmas was even better than i'd thought it could be. astoundingly nice. & yesterday i called the dad to give all the heads-up i'd be coming home that next day. a humble voice answered; w/in secs i knew there'd been no need for worry. "we are so blessed to have been able to stay together in your house for the holidays." how was your christmas? i asked. great, he said. "& it was the neatest thing. we were having dinner & looking out the window & it started to snow." snow at christmas for a family reunited, a little girl surrounded by loving mom & dad. i ran sniffling & smiling w/gratitude to my beaming family, all of us wondering @ the christmasy spirit of the whole thing.
today i got home. the daughter was waiting in the window & when i pulled up, she jumped off the couch. the family came right out: beautiful, beaming mom, handsome, clear-eyed dad, smiling child, doggies. we chatted for a few minutes. they smiled & enthused about what a wonderful time they'd had. i went in my house, so happy to be home. they'd left me a huge, cheerful bouquet of flowers, a box of cookies, food in the fridge, a handwritten note & a beautiful card from all containing words like "magical," "amazing," "enchanting," "cozy," & "wonderful." THEY thanked ME. my heart sang, as would yours, i'd think! i sniffled & smiled w/gratitude, then called & told mama & wrote about it here bc i must not ever forget this! don't know why such a nice experience happened to me, but it did, & all i can say is i feel so happy to have had this house that allowed that young family to be together & have such a nice time.
& i do feel blessed; there's not really another word i can think of that better describes it.
happy, happy holidays. :)

wow.

saw this & can you believe his vocals are live, w/o effects, & what kind of mike is that, anyways? elvis WAS the king. never will there be another.
this has been a weird, wild, lonely, lovely, fun, fulfilling, & frustrating wkend. i was so touched (in the heart, tho am also in the head, yknow) when my friend in pittsburgh sent me a song said to have been written w/me in mind... recorded on one track, haunting, melancholy... don't have permission to post it, but when i do, i will. then my pal phil previewed for me a sort of wild gene vincent-style tune that will be a real blast, i think!

a long meditation on the horrors of leading a band that includes professional session players, a dd gig, & la vida sonsa

-the other day we got to play w/mark yeary, who truly is an awesome piano player! he has backed many, most famously merle haggard. his physicality & smoothness reminded me of gene taylor - hopping from island to island, square hands always perfectly balanced to attack the keys with strength, speed, & agility. when he sang, too, in a voice somehow both laid-back & energetic, his style still reminded me of gene the boogie-woogie king: muscular yet no effort wasted, soulful but w/lightness of touch. mark yeary is one swinging cat!
-i asked him to play some nola style songs & he did both roberta & some fats domino! his band was really solid, w/steve woods on guitar. two fellows well-known by all but me played trumpet (wow!!!!! a tall man named john...) & saxophone (we did honky-tonk w/him, an elderly fellow probably famous except to this know-nothing). later in the night, ray mcdonald strolled in & smoothly crooned some merle songs...
-i found out i'm not a band leader except w/dds. when you're talking about a band that's practiced only in certain tunes, then you're expected as a unit to follow, there're just too many carcasses to haul thru the mud on a tune that's unknown by even one poor soul.
-yes, mark yeary, the fantastic & famous pianist, wanted me to lead. my playing already was suffering bc i was nervous to play in front of him! but he kept looking @ me to kick it off & i kept looking at him hoping he'd kick it off. some songs would've been great if we didn't do 95 go-arounds, but i wanted to be sure everyone got a chance on every flippin' song. see how polite i am??? there were 85 musicians on the stage & i wanted to give each one a go-around... the set groaned... finally, phil, dear man, stepped in & pulled everyone out of the drink. yes, he's more portable, but his musical direction was also more adept (not to mention he can pull any style out of his can, like a human jukebox). i just wanna go fast! in the presence of fine musicians (except dds), such as folks playing music w/thrilling-to-watch but terrifying-to-accompany finesse, my star does not glimmer or shimmer. it just gets dimmer. and i feel dumber. like a bummer.
- enough already on this; i know. but rats. and dang! still, we all were honored to be around such great musicians... that trumpet just killed me!! i truly had no idea that this kind of & quality of music was going on in bako! i will go back again - to watch! and i think phil will have little problem sitting in... go to julie's branding iron 3rd friday of each month to catch this swell show. it'll just kill you!!
- now here's a flyer for our next show (corrected for a 3rd time!). we also have a private deal on june 4 & a few more pending. i might be moving, but we're not dead, no sir!! one possibility's such a kick. a kick! i'll reveal its secret @ later date... bwahaha
-this eve, my doggies are here (they finally laid down to rest after the border collie spent the 1st hr here bouncing like a jumping bean); i've started packing a tad; the mountaintop residence is turning into an actual abode rather than dump bringing horror to my loved ones; my dear cousin's coming in this wkend from tx; i "get to" make an amend in lotusland (character building & soul-clearing, i hope). next wk, the last of school, i'll hope to have a library party. am gonna miss those kids so much. hope i don't start blubbering too much. wouldn't want my dear students to cry even one tear, not a one. i hope i'll always remember them, least as long as i'm on this wild blue.
washington irving: "there is a sacredness in tears. they are not the mark of weakness, but of power. they speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. they are messengers of overwhelming grief... & unspeakable love.”

bill gruggett guitar show, trout's, bakersfield; the wheel o life goes round & round

yesterday i had so much HW for this accelerated class am taking for library school (difficult to be accelerated w/cobwebbed brain), but got done enough in time to get to the above show for a while. have no mirror in this place, so just threw on a dress & these turquoise boots have had & got compliments! -so that was nice. one old-time country performer called, "well, there's that little girl w/the big voice!" :) a woman drummer recognized me from when i played bass in a hard rock band 10 yrs ago: that was both cool & embarrassing... saw all kinda people i sort of know from local music & ended up sitting w/my old bandmate brian paxton, who was very kind. jeremy, monica, & ryan from don't scratch the wax visalia were there, real friendly & rockabilly-styling to the nines. hope we can get some shows going... rugged brian lonbeck, child prodigy & joe maphis apprentice, got up backed by deke dickerson & chris sprague & things really moved! he kept prefacing songs w/"i don't know if my fingers can do this one," but then whoopee! he'd kick into one of this high-gear flat-picking country-rockabilly romps & boy! you'd need slow motion replay to see what he actually was playing... deke played a cool mostrite bass & brian a mosrite double neck, like larry collins & deke play. i wondered if brian lonbeck knew larry collins, joe maphis's other prodigy, way back when. after, brian l said he was playing that night out in pumpkin center w/bobby durham & i think that'd be a fun late-night drive sometime. deke, who seemed even taller than ever (tho i wasn't wearing my stilts, come to think of it) told me some places to go while in new orleans & some possible tips for seeing fats domino & was very nice. all in all, i was quite happy w/the whole experience, so will save that one in my happy bank, which i've been withdrawing on where i can lately.
- the 1st dusk devils practice friday night at this new place felt weird & free... more rm to move, not worrying about spending too much time w/the band instead of doing other stuff, all the windows opening out to neighbors sitting on their porches & not running inside or calling the cops & therefore i think ok w/the music... am so lucky to have my band fellows; music is saving my keister these days.
- when the guys went to leave, a neighbor had left a note on the porch: "my 7-yr old daughter loves your band! she wants to go to one of your concerts. she is dancing in the living room right now!" wow. in the midst of heartache, how can a person be so lucky?
- people've been so kind, & keep telling me to be gentle w/myself & give a certain person the dignity of his own experience: stop assuming, stop misery-making, leave him be. for me, & for you, if you are suffering, stay in the middle of the herd, as jani's husband says; take it easy; pause when agitated; count your blessings... a dove is cooing & the birds singing away outside, my basil & roses are still growing, i got this little rather lovely place, & i guess all things considered, life is pretty good. it's really rather ridiculous & infantile to think somehow right now i'm supposed to be happy... tho i always dread it, change is the only constant. am living in change, must face it, no getting away from it, & there must be a lesson here, so need to be cognizant, watchful, see if i can espy, maybe even fully view & realize it, & grow. my wish & prayer is that everyone who's hurting in this situation right now also will grow, maybe even blossom.
- to shift gears, my dear friend dan monji, the gardening guru, said this last wk: "plants grow best in sh*t." &, as dear texas stacy (RIP) used to say, "when you're in a bag of sh*t, remember: the zipper's on the INSIDE."

what doesn't kill us makes us stronger

- november 1995-may 2009
- i'm no nietzchean, but lately a few of his ideas seem to help. the existentialist, suffering brings meaning ones, i think... today's the last day of school. last night i watched an old sad, wild, angry, beautiful vid of dexter romweber & put together a bookshelf & lamented, grieved, tried to shake it off, couldn't, sort of came out the other side. it's like peeling an onion: i'm the onion. each layer removed takes me closer to the center. but what if there's nothing there when i get to the last bit of skin?
- bill wilson talk helps much: this, too, shall pass - the good, the bad, the everything. it'll all be over eventually. what can i do w/now? just ride it out.
- happy last day to the wild, sweet, infuriating middle school kiddies at my school, & all the others. if i could only get more than 5 hrs of sleep a night, i know it'd help... meantime, today'll also bring the saving wonder of music w/my dusk devils bros. hail hail rocknroll.

without music, life would be a mistake (nietzsche)

"he who sings scares away his woes" (cervantes)
"music is moonlight in the gloomy night of life"
"music is the medicine of the broken heart"
and this one
"it's gotta be rocknroll music
if you wanna dance with me" (chuck berry)
but i don't feel like dancing lately... this, too, shall pass.

mom & dad likely wouldn't much like the first flyer...

... but here it is, with another cool one from r&r pizza. :) we're on at thunder run at 1 pm, at r&r pizza at 9... in between, i'm gonna go on a long train trip to texas & to new orleans. have waited my whole adult life to see NOLA. i'm finally gonna do it. love & happiness & peace of mind to all who read this...