this weekend

friday all will say goodbye to manuel gonzales, or "big manny," our friend departed. here are details:
viewing - noon to 2 pm, funeral & burial, 2-3 pm, home of peace memorial park mortuary, 4334 whittier blvd, whittier ca; potluck reception for family & friends, vfw hall post 1944, 4-8 pm,  16157 e. gale, city of industry, ca.
i made this so i will remember always his face & person the way i remember him. there's a beautiful pic of him & james on this blog if you go back to april 2016, but i -- perhaps selfishly -- just put the ones here where i'm posed with him.
saturday will be the following: Come See Whiteboy James - Sat. Aug. 13th
WHERE: Shenanigans Irish Pub & Grille
423 Shoreline Village Drive
Long Beach, CA 90802
USA 8 PM-11:55 PM
COST: Free
CONTACT:
562-437-3734

the following saturday, we'll play here in town at sue's tavern, & after that, james will have me replaced with an electric bass & i'll just play with his band wherever i have the energy (& when he wants me, of course). the kids will be back in class

& i again will be a public school teacher.

my dear sweet friend is gone, & the whole world cries

one of our very dearest, sweetest, most talented friends on earth went to heaven last night. james & manuel became fast friends about three years ago; manuel gave james a sailor's cap that he treasures. i got to meet manuel as a fan of his band 25 yrs ago & in the last many years, was blessed to play music with him here & there where he'd look over & smile, "ah, jenny. play a little-uh that johnny johnson." this kind, gentle giant with his silly sense of humor could play anything on the guitar, chuck berry like no other, & he sang like a bird. the world without him will be a dimmer place. we love you forever, manuel. rest in peace, dear soul. love, jenny & james

what a sad & scary day

- prayers to loved ones of robin williams, as well as us millions, delighted, astounded, moved by his shocking, lightning talent & long-time courage in the face of depression, madness, addictions... he made statements about how much he loved his family, & i relate to love of family keeping one alive. how much pain must he've been in to yet end it all?

- many brilliants live with the comorbid cousins mental illness & addiction, yet live long, full lives. some learn to transmute trauma, sadness, madness into creative passion; positive, productive lust for life; a mission to help others who struggle! if you are brilliantly creative (or, like me, merely average) & also nuts &/or down-down-down, you can make it to the end of this life in one piece... moreover, you can survive & even thrive, showing those who also suffer how to want to go on living. you have a purpose, even when life hurts... maybe especially when it does!! you can be uniquely helpful to people who get the blues, whose brains are on fire, who don't fit in.

- we must never, never, never give up, even when role models like williams might seem to have!!!!

- requiescat en pace, bright flame.

 

we'll drink a cup of kindness yet for auld lang syne...

- this new year's eve carried an unprecedented barge of myriad emotion. someone whom many love was taken suddenly, seriously ill yesterday &, hospitalized, had to be replaced last-second. sadness pervaded the evening, & continues! a couple whom we love dearly reunited, but rome wasn't built in a day, & repairs & renovations, undergoing, take time. yes, at times like these, of sadness, confusion, tragedy, it's easy maybe, or old habit, to just check out. but we can't ever give up! never! think of the 1000 poems, metaphors, aphorisms that urge thusly: always keep trying, for who wants the alternative? not me! at least not right now! the grave certainly awaits us all… why court its cold comfort now?
- the elliots showed up last night, full of sober cheer, two happy peas in a pod.
me: how are you guys?
james e: not dead yet!
me: not pushing up daisies!
(we all laugh cause we all have known hell, especially james & james, i think, & none of us live there these days 'cept when those bad chemicals flood our brains or we choose to…)
- yes, the whole month of december, good riddance to you! as for january, this was the time of yr when we first met, at the elvis show in 2010, when james looked in my eyes & said, "do you feel it, too? is it just ME?" & something in my heart when ker-FLUNK! this also is the time of yr when we found each other again. i pronounce, declare, & fervently hope that this is the time of year when the sadness of winter can turn toward new promise. solstice has passed; we're heading now into a new light. what do you say? :D
- last night at eclectic & mysterious house of hayden, where james played for NY eve, i got to sit with marshall, the gentlemanly tough-guy & james's dear & devoted friend, & friendly, bubbly tessie, of whom james always delights, "she kissed eddie!" (his beloved & long-gone brother). i was so touched to receive a book, signed by tom shadyac, from beautiful bobbi, nicholas, donna, & rick. wow! such thoughtful kindness: thank you to you all! ... john b & i  laughed & yelled out swears of joy as james honked out thrilling & amazing, rip-roaring harmonica & singing; the whole while, his gal monique never missed a step in her smiling dance reverie, dressed to the 9s, an amazonian marilyn who is one part snoopy… we heard that a huge show with heavy cover nearby was pretty empty that night, so we were happy that house of hayden was pretty full to packed all night long! dave & jackie had to be pretty happy with the way the show turned out, & at midnight, the establishment graciously passed out champagne flutes to all (tho i didn't get to drink mine, oh well; i got to stay sober one more new year's!) & dropped a net of multicolored balloons & sparkly things at the stroke of 12. yes, dave hayden knows how to make a thing beautiful, for sure, with his keen artsy eye and attention to details…
- today has turned into a promising beginning for a new year: we have been ultra slugs with no worry of rushing off to do anything, jamesjr showed me his new ginormous television, we all had pizza, i've been reading my book, & that's about it except for posting this blog. here are some pix from last night; i'm going back to bed now to finish this one (better off by eric brende) before starting that one (life's operating manual by tom shadyac). :)

james's favorite pic of us from new year's eve (from billy f)

thank you, tessie, for capturing this moment!

a moment later, billy folsom took this one. his photos, on Facebook under the page called "dumb biker visions," are worth looking up!

R.I.P.

my beautiful little kitty... at 4am, i woke to the sounds of her being killed by a coyote & ran outside just in time to see the whole thing. she was fighting hard, but the coyote, of course, had her overpowered... i hope she didn't suffer long, tho i know & saw that she did. poor little creature. i can't wait til i stop blaming myself & seeing the whole thing over & over in my mind. there are such far worse tragedies in this world routinely, & i knew the risk of having her up here, but still this is a sad occasion, to lose a pet so violently. bless my sister angie for being there to help me when i called her, distraught. :(

what doesn't kill us makes us stronger

- november 1995-may 2009
- i'm no nietzchean, but lately a few of his ideas seem to help. the existentialist, suffering brings meaning ones, i think... today's the last day of school. last night i watched an old sad, wild, angry, beautiful vid of dexter romweber & put together a bookshelf & lamented, grieved, tried to shake it off, couldn't, sort of came out the other side. it's like peeling an onion: i'm the onion. each layer removed takes me closer to the center. but what if there's nothing there when i get to the last bit of skin?
- bill wilson talk helps much: this, too, shall pass - the good, the bad, the everything. it'll all be over eventually. what can i do w/now? just ride it out.
- happy last day to the wild, sweet, infuriating middle school kiddies at my school, & all the others. if i could only get more than 5 hrs of sleep a night, i know it'd help... meantime, today'll also bring the saving wonder of music w/my dusk devils bros. hail hail rocknroll.

thee good ghosts of cedar edge & estrogen-huffing mosquitos must die

i'm sitting here on a rock & boy, the dang bugs really like me (i read, to my chagrin & cynical satisfaction, that they love estrogen) & boy, is my can getting sore, outside the library here near the grand mesa in colorado & it's dusk (like dussssssk devils, yes). friends from the clean & sober run are walking/riding by, eyeing me quizzically, but all smiling because clean/sober people who work a program are generally happy & grateful types, rescued from a common despair by a common solution, & i had to post this because it is simply amazing to not just be here (there go two more motorcycles, two more guys from the run smiling a little funny, oh, there's that girl who wears all that makeup & look she's sitting there on that rock & is she on the internet??)... ok, to be online like this is pretty amazing, but to be HERE for the 11th time is more amazing. there are good ghosts here: san jose jack, mike day's dad, redneck, stacy's dad, & stacy herself. it's "sacred ground," woody said, right before he whipped out a "instant redneck" doll that you add water to & watch blow up to "life size" (before we left to eat, he whispered into the water cup, "ok, redneck, we're going to eat, you gonna go? no? you wanna stay here?" because sacred & silly go together like peas & mashed potatoes, to woody)... two summers ago we put some of dear dear stacy's ashes on the cactus where the others' ashes are. at that time, the cactus was doing terrible, but this yr when we came back, it was blooming heartily, flowering pinkly even, & i thought, of course it is, cause that's how stacy was. she lost her way & had to leave this earthly place in such a tragic manner, but back at the serenity run, where she & we all have had such amazing times, she has blossomed again & we all can remember her smile & spirit, warm & wide & wild as texas, beautiful stacy forever stamped in our memories & hearts...
well, my butt's sore, so i'd better go walk back & meet the others.
on the music front, i still have no cell phone (left it in a coffee house in twin falls, id) so have no idea about big manny band practice upcoming, but getting online here, i got a good tip on the LA derby girls from my stepson (thank you, cody!!) & see that skip heller, "very pro-bakersfield these days" (he doesn't know bakersfield yet, i half-jokingly say), is back at narducci's on aug 7, & if the heavens line up & the great pumpkin wills it, i'll be home to see him play, home to my family, piano, & doggie dears.
well, i typed long enough that b has just pulled up to ride us back to the no-tell motel, where friends are, & now he's joking mordantly to friends riding by about being an "email widower," so better vaminos for now.
...being here at the international serenity run has remedied my homesickness for the most part. so many familiar faces, all converging in this beautiful spot to celebrate living w/o drugs & booze, just still LIVING: so many people i'm happy to see & who say the same to me.
as i heard today, better to be seen than to be viewed. amen, brothers & sisters. ah-men.

happy to be living, obsessed: chicken, waffles, toxic sodapop fuel the monkey

first of all, we all lost another friend the other day. he was lucky, maybe, to go very suddenly, but still, how sad (especially for my hubby, w/whom he was friends; i know b admired j very much, like everyone did). j was taken too early... he was one of two people i recall from '91, when i lived every day in a sick & altered state & yet couldn't see why i had such blasted bad luck. thru then-called-kernview hospital, i wound up at the drunk club (didn't come back til '95) & the smiling, rangy-athletic fellow w/the buzzed, prematurely-grayed hair helped make me feel at home. may he rest in peace, sweet soul that he was. i know he will be well-remembered; we wish his family solace.
i know it's saddest for us still living when we lose someone... being a friend of bill w's means i have more camaraderie & fellowship than i ever could've possibly dreamed, but then loved ones go, suddenly or slowly, here & there, & it stinks each time, but it's life. i know soon enough i'll be shuffling off myself, so i guess the best thing is just to stay with the herd, appreciate & love people while we're here, & try to remember them gratefully & reverently, not sadly & self-centeredly, when they leave.
maybe i'll be so lucky, but i guess that part doesn't matter... remember marcus aurelius, so noble, writing repeatedly that one must act & live from a place of one's own truth, w/o worrying about the condemnations of others, & how the 1st book in his "meditations" pays loving homage to his many role models... he obviously was a man who loved & appreciated many, but knew not to pay unnecessary heed to critics & those lacking vision.
on to the mundanities of life: today, dedicated to polishing off part 3 of my thesis (been at it all wk & sick of it), i sat at the computer for 9 hrs & embarked on a strict regimen of chicken & waffles (a whole essay could be written on this alone, but i'll spare everyone), swashing it down w/a particularly creepy yet delicious sodapop, maybe even deadlier-better than diet big red, called diet pepsi jazz caramel creme... do you think the ingredients of such a potion could fit on the side of a train car? but hi-dee-ho: let's have another can.
that the paper's done & i still live is a really nice deal. :) there's all kindsa music stuff to attend to, especially w/my new band "old 99" (those fellows really want to get stuff started asap... i do wish it were that way w/dusk devils, but not for now, i guess). i have been a little negligent in my saintly duties, as well, but it all has had to wait cause i have had research monkey brain (haven't even been sleeping lately; too many ideas sloshing around in the noggin). by 3 pm, i had birthed another 18-pg paper & it was jig time. we're supposed to turn in 8 pages by april 14, and i've written 42. my thesis is up to over 60. i am very pleased!!! overachieving is necessary in this context; i won't get done by august, otherwise. (btw, i found out guitarist keith wyatt went to new college!!) the toxic chemicals, i guess, help, in the short run (tho kill in the long, but what the hey, let's play play play). not to mention obsession... productively funneled, the latter can be quite a boon. :) (P.S. - tho roscoe's down south has the world's best, dope-wonderful chicken & waffles, J's Southern here in town serves them, too... j's is finger-licking good stuff, dang worth it, on ming avenue, but tho lisa paxton - I MISS LISA!!! - knows the name of the cross-street, i don't.)

deficit omne quod nasciture

rest in peace, my childhood friend, a bright, big-eyed girl who in her adult life became, i believe, defeated; and rest in peace, my favorite childhood teacher, a talented musician, a noble soul, a vietnam veteran, a drunk. marcus aurelius kept a journal of thoughts on life & death ("meditations"):
1. Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.
2. Despise not death, but welcome it, for nature wills it like all else.
3. Everything that exists is in a manner the seed of that which will be.
4. Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth. 5. Forward, as occasion offers. Never look round to see whether any shall note it... Be satisfied with success in even the smallest matter, and think that even such a result is no trifle.
6. It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.
7. Look within. Within is the fountain of good, and it will ever bubble up, if thou wilt ever dig.
8. Loss is nothing else but change, and change is Nature's delight.
9. Such as are your habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of your mind; for the soul is dyed by the thoughts.
10. The act of dying is one of the acts of life.
11. When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.
12. Where a man can live, he can also live well.