larry r.i.p.

a long time ago, many life chapters ago, i had a younger boyfriend & his best friend was named larry. larry's name around town with some was "scary larry" bc he had the most morbid taste you could imagine in that pre-internet era! hanging out with larry & friends meant a night of very heavy drinking, maybe some psychedelics, listening to records, & watching disturbing videos, some i wish to this day i could erase from my memory, but much that were so cool, like john waters & russ meyer films... always, always we listened to the cramps. we worshipped the cramps! we all still do, living or dead! shantell -- the tough-looking gal with the soulful gaze & sweet friendly voice, bakersfield punk rock drummer, underground dj, & lifelong dear friend of larry's -- wrote that now larry's in heaven with lux. i hope so. i hope they all are there, all the ones who ravaged themselves to death with booze & drugs & loneliness & wild &/or long nights too many... i was turned on to so much fantastic outsider americana/punk at this time, being around larry, from hasil adkins to the legendary stardust cowboy & esquerita, screamin' jay hawkins, the gun club, the mummies, real rockabilly (not the polished pop barf variety, but the sincere but tough unwashed no-BS raw kind)... the list goes on & on...
larry elected to become a mortician & his school death mask, i remember, was of ed gein. it was quite artfully wrought, of course, for in my experience, the most creative people are not just tortured into self-loathing or insanity in some ways, they're also the most highly talented in many ways, being probably more touched by the divine, maybe icarus-like closer to the sun tho they may not even realize it, to the eternal flames, to immortality that conversely brings rushed mortality... i am rambling because i am sad.
we were in the motel the night before roadshow revival when i learned larry had died. earlier in the day we'd rushed to RSR to see our favorite band, our hero, james's life-long friend & mentor & my teenaged-thru-age-40+ object of adoration & lust & were shocked to tears by what we saw... the musician lifestyle is ravenous, just devastating to healthy longevity; so sad, tragic, heartbreaking, whatever you want to call it that the brightest, most bursting talents end up crashing so hard (see above)... so i already was pretty depressed when learned about larry.
i always knew larry was a loving, sweet guy under all the dark interests. but turns out the morbidity that turned him toward the profession of mortician, along with his love of outsiders, created a champion who was brave & determined to help when people lost their loved ones. story after story told of larry caring for the grieving, going the extra distance to help loved ones at their saddest moments. he didn't just dress corpses, but made sure people could say goodbye to their girlfriends, parents, & other loved ones in the most dignified, protected manner... in other words, i found out my friend "scary larry" was in some ways a saint.
then i found out he had "drank himself to death," & the floor fell away.
alcohol is a demon. i really believe it should be outlawed, except then it just would go underground & still would be used, would even thrive in use. we who have the itch, who cannot steadily be in the flow of g.o.d., want what we cannot have & that want often is for something ruinous. again, i think that's bc the craving for the divine turns in the wrong direction & becomes a craven lust, tho most anyone would laugh if i told them that in that way, so i'm writing it instead... were i fundamentalist, i think i'd describe it as god vs the devil, the almighty struggle for our souls, but that implies we're puppets instead of beings with free will, but then again sometimes the simplicity of the religious story (i don't mean that disparagingly) makes a lot of sense to me, efficiently eliminating the gray, like when i'm really sad...
yes, alcohol is demon, destroyer of families, ultimately a foul tidal wave drowning love, self-respect, lives, soul. if you mess with this nasty, filthy drug, be warned: it might kill you & devastate everyone who loves you. now don't think, please, if i see you drinking that i will condemn you: no. you are the only one who knows if you take a drink, the drink takes you. if that's the case, STOP! if it's not, continue drinking. have fun! i guess some do, tho that's not the case for me, nor too many people i have loved who no longer live because they just wanted to drink, not realizing there was no case of want: they HAD to drink.
one of the biggest blessings of the fact that i had to stop my alcoholic drinking on july 4, 1995 is that i have not broken my mother's heart since then. i've had sad things happen, have made stupid decisions, have made her worry, but break her heart? no longer. i am so grateful for that...
++++++++++++
james shocked the crap out of everyone who saw him at RSR: the human comet named james hit that stage & blew it to bits! afterward, full bore, he continued to whirl & smash his way around the grounds until he went out like a firework. he's in rest period right now, but the show advertised on this poster i made this morning is happening saturday, & he'll be back at his powerful full-steam by then, so i hope you'll go.
now back to teaching duties, for i am going back into the classroom come august, i do believe. i am creative, but i am not one of The Creatives. therefore i suffer, have artistic & emotional angsts [sic], but basically am a mere workingman kind of artist, a crazy pragmatist, salieri to the mozarts around me.... ok, whatever: better stop writing now because i'm boring myself. please come to the show, if you can!

i know we'll meet again some sunny day

a friend of mine, i think, is suffering. i hope my friend, whom i no longer see, will be better sooner rather than later. let's both & all remember, if possible, that this, too (& all, & everything), shall pass.

claudia e. - rest in peace

->she was a lovely lovely lady, one of everyone's favorites. she was the queen of one-liners. she had the cutest kindest little mischievous smile. she had down-home grandma wisdom. she always knew just what to say - something wise that'd pull your covers, but was necessary, funny, comforting, truthful. she helped save so many women's lives, just being herself. she always sat at the end of the table at the women's meetings tues & thurs. one time i came in & the group was having a valentine's day party (at this meeting, they always have fancy food, decorations, flowers, making the "program of attraction" even more alluring). claudia & pat, the "old timers" of the group, sat there in their usual spots wearing the silliest pink & red fuzzy hats that coiled up six inches above their heads & were topped with big fuzzy hearts. i don't know who i enjoyed watching more that day - regal, calmly beaming pat, or spritely, grinning claudia. she was like a grandma-aged kid - like charlie brown's lucy or peppermint patty all grown up & wised up & come to love everyone.
->i never got to know her well enough. we stood around her hospital bed two days ago & recited the serenity prayer. she was suffering, but they said she looked better. she was unconscious, unresponsive, but when pat bent over to whisper to her, her fiercely rapid heartrate slowed. we began to talk & she started to stir. even near her death, she was participating the best she was able: claudia was a fighter like that.
->her sponsees & friends stayed there in the hospital room, held a vigil, vowed "we'll be here til she draws her last breath." downed by surgery yesterday, i wasn't there when claudia passed away. however, i know they were. i know now she's not suffering, but again, what a loss. even those who knew her just a little, like me, were so blessed to have been able to do so. this wonderful, kind, funny, & special lady died sober, surrounded by loved ones. we'll miss her so much. :(

deficit omne quod nasciture

rest in peace, my childhood friend, a bright, big-eyed girl who in her adult life became, i believe, defeated; and rest in peace, my favorite childhood teacher, a talented musician, a noble soul, a vietnam veteran, a drunk. marcus aurelius kept a journal of thoughts on life & death ("meditations"):
1. Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.
2. Despise not death, but welcome it, for nature wills it like all else.
3. Everything that exists is in a manner the seed of that which will be.
4. Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth. 5. Forward, as occasion offers. Never look round to see whether any shall note it... Be satisfied with success in even the smallest matter, and think that even such a result is no trifle.
6. It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.
7. Look within. Within is the fountain of good, and it will ever bubble up, if thou wilt ever dig.
8. Loss is nothing else but change, and change is Nature's delight.
9. Such as are your habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of your mind; for the soul is dyed by the thoughts.
10. The act of dying is one of the acts of life.
11. When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.
12. Where a man can live, he can also live well.