aaaahhhhhhhhhh......... running calms the infernal coconut

i just "ran" a 10k, the first "race" of any length i've attempted in 5 years. my time was quite slow. i have self-diagnosed myself as having upper hamstring tendinopathy after watching videos & reading, so started rehabbing myself at home, but i'm a flake, so i dropped the ball & it's sore again. i've been sick all week, too (read below about My Hero, who often is more tragic hero, actually)... i was slow slow, but i know i can get strong again. it's been near-10 years since i got into running. i guess this one i just did was pretty difficult, through the tejon ranch "conservancy" (how noble of them to preserve all this beautiful land Just for Us... tho i doubt their motives when they used some of that land for an outlet mall & now will jam in a huge town right at the base of the grapevine)...i just found this image of the elevation profile of the total course.

in line for the commode, we meet a bunch of amped-up women in matching workout gear who were hyping their obstacle training course in long beach... tho probably in better shape than i, they fell behind quickly, likely not used to the elevation since they live at sea level (they train on signal hill, which tho a steep hill, is at most a few hundred feet high). i'd be in the same boat if i ran in, say, flagstaff or albq or machu picchu. ha!

the course was quite beautiful; the "conservancy" seems to have a lot more water available than does the general mountain area... green, rolling hills; robin's-egg skies; black and dark green oaks; a lake; the shadows; the breezes: nice... i started off with christy & her daughter, but told them to go on as i immediately felt my hamstring seize. but i finished, i finished, i finished, & the best part of long runs usually IS finishing, unless one is strong enough to run endlessly, & then the pleasure is in the act... but i'm no longer, or maybe just not right now (i hope), that strong....

one of my dear sponsees just called; we had such a great chat! it's amazing how talking with another alcoholic woman can help me so, so much. related to our talk is this:

alcoholism is such an insidious disease. it breaks the hearts of all who love the alcoholic. there are a thousand ways it ruins lives. 12 step programs may not be for you, but please, if you read this & relate, i beg you to change by whatever method works for you. an alcoholic death is a slow, painful, ravaging misery upon you and everyone who loves you. jnypg (sober not because i hate drinking, but because i love it too much, to my ruin) http://www.a-1associates.com/aa/INFO%20LIST/20Questions.htm

(ps, normal drinkers, party on)

larry r.i.p.

a long time ago, many life chapters ago, i had a younger boyfriend & his best friend was named larry. larry's name around town with some was "scary larry" bc he had the most morbid taste you could imagine in that pre-internet era! hanging out with larry & friends meant a night of very heavy drinking, maybe some psychedelics, listening to records, & watching disturbing videos, some i wish to this day i could erase from my memory, but much that were so cool, like john waters & russ meyer films... always, always we listened to the cramps. we worshipped the cramps! we all still do, living or dead! shantell -- the tough-looking gal with the soulful gaze & sweet friendly voice, bakersfield punk rock drummer, underground dj, & lifelong dear friend of larry's -- wrote that now larry's in heaven with lux. i hope so. i hope they all are there, all the ones who ravaged themselves to death with booze & drugs & loneliness & wild &/or long nights too many... i was turned on to so much fantastic outsider americana/punk at this time, being around larry, from hasil adkins to the legendary stardust cowboy & esquerita, screamin' jay hawkins, the gun club, the mummies, real rockabilly (not the polished pop barf variety, but the sincere but tough unwashed no-BS raw kind)... the list goes on & on...
larry elected to become a mortician & his school death mask, i remember, was of ed gein. it was quite artfully wrought, of course, for in my experience, the most creative people are not just tortured into self-loathing or insanity in some ways, they're also the most highly talented in many ways, being probably more touched by the divine, maybe icarus-like closer to the sun tho they may not even realize it, to the eternal flames, to immortality that conversely brings rushed mortality... i am rambling because i am sad.
we were in the motel the night before roadshow revival when i learned larry had died. earlier in the day we'd rushed to RSR to see our favorite band, our hero, james's life-long friend & mentor & my teenaged-thru-age-40+ object of adoration & lust & were shocked to tears by what we saw... the musician lifestyle is ravenous, just devastating to healthy longevity; so sad, tragic, heartbreaking, whatever you want to call it that the brightest, most bursting talents end up crashing so hard (see above)... so i already was pretty depressed when learned about larry.
i always knew larry was a loving, sweet guy under all the dark interests. but turns out the morbidity that turned him toward the profession of mortician, along with his love of outsiders, created a champion who was brave & determined to help when people lost their loved ones. story after story told of larry caring for the grieving, going the extra distance to help loved ones at their saddest moments. he didn't just dress corpses, but made sure people could say goodbye to their girlfriends, parents, & other loved ones in the most dignified, protected manner... in other words, i found out my friend "scary larry" was in some ways a saint.
then i found out he had "drank himself to death," & the floor fell away.
alcohol is a demon. i really believe it should be outlawed, except then it just would go underground & still would be used, would even thrive in use. we who have the itch, who cannot steadily be in the flow of g.o.d., want what we cannot have & that want often is for something ruinous. again, i think that's bc the craving for the divine turns in the wrong direction & becomes a craven lust, tho most anyone would laugh if i told them that in that way, so i'm writing it instead... were i fundamentalist, i think i'd describe it as god vs the devil, the almighty struggle for our souls, but that implies we're puppets instead of beings with free will, but then again sometimes the simplicity of the religious story (i don't mean that disparagingly) makes a lot of sense to me, efficiently eliminating the gray, like when i'm really sad...
yes, alcohol is demon, destroyer of families, ultimately a foul tidal wave drowning love, self-respect, lives, soul. if you mess with this nasty, filthy drug, be warned: it might kill you & devastate everyone who loves you. now don't think, please, if i see you drinking that i will condemn you: no. you are the only one who knows if you take a drink, the drink takes you. if that's the case, STOP! if it's not, continue drinking. have fun! i guess some do, tho that's not the case for me, nor too many people i have loved who no longer live because they just wanted to drink, not realizing there was no case of want: they HAD to drink.
one of the biggest blessings of the fact that i had to stop my alcoholic drinking on july 4, 1995 is that i have not broken my mother's heart since then. i've had sad things happen, have made stupid decisions, have made her worry, but break her heart? no longer. i am so grateful for that...
++++++++++++
james shocked the crap out of everyone who saw him at RSR: the human comet named james hit that stage & blew it to bits! afterward, full bore, he continued to whirl & smash his way around the grounds until he went out like a firework. he's in rest period right now, but the show advertised on this poster i made this morning is happening saturday, & he'll be back at his powerful full-steam by then, so i hope you'll go.
now back to teaching duties, for i am going back into the classroom come august, i do believe. i am creative, but i am not one of The Creatives. therefore i suffer, have artistic & emotional angsts [sic], but basically am a mere workingman kind of artist, a crazy pragmatist, salieri to the mozarts around me.... ok, whatever: better stop writing now because i'm boring myself. please come to the show, if you can!

so burrr blablabla

i had to stop drinking in 1995, & when i first started going to meetings, all i heard about was "the international" in san diego. every 5 yrs, the worldwide association of 12 stepping drunks has an international convention someplace in north america. i had missed "the international" by just two weeks!! i'd been on some of my last drunks while 100s of thousands of happy sober people were at "the international"!! it drove me nuts & thought i, i'm going to the next one or die trying!! of course, that meant i had to keep the plug in the jug...
back then, several hard-a**es & program doomsayers took one look at my young, selfish, immature newcomer butt & got my number, telling me i'd "never make it."
"oh YEAH???" i sputtered. "i'll show THEM!!" know-it-all jerks!! i would make it!!
then i got cast as glinda the good witch in a 12 step adaptation of the wizard of oz; my main lines were "the promises," which, if you don't know, are that part of "the big book" that tells you all the positive, mature, rewarding things you'll be able to do once you sober up & start to grow up. i'd drive around downtown bakersfield at night practicing my lines, steering & muttering those promises to myself, & realized i WANTED those things in my life!!
all the nice people i met, along w/the promises, the doomsayers, my immediate identification w/the big book, & the lure of upcoming international conventions helped ensure that i stayed off the sauce day by day.
i was in like flynn in bakersfield sober circles for many yrs. i loved helping others, feeling useful & purposeful, like a good person, "part of," yet outside the gossip. i had a strong role model in my 1st husband, a close-mouthed man who, like my dad, just didn't believe in telling tales. i felt good, even great, more uncrazy than ever at many times during those years... we went w/friends to the 2000 international in minneapolis as well as the 2005 in toronto. my dear friend jani & i walked around a colorful international market; we all went to the ginormous mall of the americas; i fell off the rails emotionally & missed seeing ronnie dawson at a local club; we ate thai food & delicious fish; we visited meetings in many languages & walked amongst thousands, thousands of happy sober people. in 2010 i'd just gone through a very sad divorce & went to the convention in san antonio. i saw my ex-husband there as well as throngs of bakersfield friends who'd traveled to the tx gathering in a big cheerful herd. i was in a really bad spot in life emotionally & spiritually then, but the convention was all-wonderful.
the next one's in atlanta. i'll have 20 years. did i mention the conventions always fall on my sober birthday weekend? my selfish part is pleased by this: every 5 yrs, i celebrate my bd not just with the u.s.a., but w/the sober world. i've started really getting excited about this convention, going to atlanta w james, continuing on to kentucky to again visit his loving, wonderful family there, traveling, being sober, having a chance to keep growing, getting healthier, connecting to others, helping & being helped, not just existing but feeling fully awake & alive.
can't wait!!!
to conclude, here's a section from the most important book i've ever read, pp 152-153. when 1st i heard it, at the little church meeting that was my thursday night home for 14 years, my chest swelled & i nearly cried. i grew up loving superheroes. i never wanted to become what i did, a confused, desperate, unhappy, sick in all ways girl-woman who broke her mother's heart, hurt all who loved her, in the vice of a fatal disease. these promises, not the ones i had to learn for the play, are ones that kept me coming back, & still do. there's hope for a new life to anyone who wants it. this isn't the only way, but it's the way that has worked for me.  if you, too, are inspired by what you read below, here's the link:

[Here you will] find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship, and so will you.

"How is that to come about?" you ask. "Where am I to find these people?"

You are going to meet these new friends in your own community. Near you, alcoholics are dying helplessly like people in a sinking ship. If you live in a large place, there are hundreds. High and low, rich and poor, these are future fellows of [the program]. Among them you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties, for you will escape disaster together and you will commence shoulder to shoulder your common journey. Then you will know what it means to give of yourself that others may survive and rediscover life. You will learn the full meaning of "Love thy neighbor as thyself."

It may seem incredible that these men are to become happy, respected, and useful once more. How can they rise out of such misery, bad repute and hopelessness? The practical answer is that since these things have happened among us, they can happen with you. Should you wish them above all else, and be willing to make use of our experience, we are sure they will come. The age of miracles is still with us. Our own recovery proves that!

Our hope is that when this chip of a book is launched on the world tide of alcoholism, defeated drinkers will seize upon it, to follow its suggestions. Many, we are sure, will rise to their feet and march on. They will approach still other sick ones and fellowships... may spring up in each city and hamlet, havens for those who must find a way out.

bah! bloop! whee! click! aah. dig? dig. &dig. &dig. :)

(lazy writing alert:) it's warm & beautiful & breezy outside & wish for you a happy, healthy day... am taking a break from working on my shrine outside (removing weeds, laying down mesh, then rock garden) cause like i said, it's warm! sure is good to be outside & get some vitamin d w/the birds & the bees & the flowers & the trees... the above event's coming up sun as well as another for same purpose the following sat, aug 20, at the alano club on 34th st (start time i think will be around noon), open to public, jam session for musicians & those who don't drink or, like bsp, won't mind taking a break for the afternoon out of respect for the venue... suggested donation for the alano club also will be $10 so that eddie can get his peepers fixed once & for all.
earlier in the wk was the barndance, a memorable night @ which i got to play w/cattie ness & the revenge, meet amazing pianists jason eoff & dona oxford (skip edwards was there, too!), play a slam-bang mini-set, dance the night away, & see all kinds of people from the smell(swell)ay roots scene like russell scott, james intveldt, etc & best of all art fein, whom i haven't seen in a chimp's age, cracking art up w/my phil alvin impersonation (i didn't know i had one til art -- a seeming cynic who has genuine generosity of spirit when he finds something appealing -- started laughing out loud, which got me going good). then my friend walter brought me a bd cake (i'd already had a spectacular bd w/my dear family) & handed it to ronnie mack himself, who held it while the whole joint sang me happy bd!! my goodness... what a life i got, for which i am so, so grateful.
then got to record a little net tv show last night w/cattie ness & revenge. night before was dusk devils show at packed-out mr t's bowl, a cool venue & yes, old bowling alley, @ which brian p debuted the biggest pomp you'd ever seen & we didn't go on til 1am & devil doll (to me) inexplicably sang pat benatar & the animals (the latter i thought even a bit blasphemous, but what the crap do i know...), but people stayed for us, too, & everyone got to dance w/walter, who generously gave me an angel necklace & then rooted & rutted his face into our pretty cousin's ample bosom as both cackled drunkenly, fun-loving heathens that they were that nite. :) in the mid of all this was trip to coast w/dear dad, sis, aunt to visit grandma & said cousin, who celebrated her big 4-0 in raucously guzzling fashion, then suffered mightily, emptying it all out & whimpering (poor baby), "thank you for taking care of me" while i patted & comforted her & sister wiped her mouth, but i've sure been there, so it felt sort of nurturing & correct & like the cycle of life & important bonding. then we attempted to sleep at cousin's/grandma's w/barky-damn-yappy dogs, so on no rest, i had volcanic meltdown next afternoon on drive to smell(swell)ay & sometimes i wish i had no mouth cause then i wouldn't say the things i sometimes do (nor make ugly faces while singing). anger, self-pity, remorse, babbling, driving, crying -- sh*t, i thought i was over it, but nossir, still a fallible, messy humanoid. oh well: a productive very late-nite powwow came of it, so maybe next time i'll be able to pause before exploding like a ranting, wailing demon... met up w/ CN&R pals & becky did quick miracle makeup on my blubbery face so i looked nice & we performed a rockin little tv show & then fabi left the country w/her family (on vacation, not the lam), johnny & goat went to san pedro for shrimp feast & beers, & the rest of us caravaned to lebec for late-nite supper at denny's (mine, 4 bucks, was pretty swell) & becky rode w/me, her steady, friendly, supportive chatting a delight. (like many folks i know, her life would make one fascinating read.) the studio, www.flashrock.com, had fun acoustics & we were styling, too, cause becky's the boss & tells us what to wear, so i cautiously say it likely not just sounded, but looked good. :) my writing here's lazy, but the few marbles i got today in my bag upstairs are rolling slowly, so this'll have to do for now. :)

"me, i don't care what people say / talk is cheap, anyway / if you got nothin good to say / well, it's best you don't say a thing" :)

- the blazers & me -
things've been down, w/death of friends, post-surgery complications, painful realizations i've had to make re music/friends... i was surfing & came across - yeegad! -a T-shirt i designed 15+ yrs ago for the blazers! it came up along w/the most rockin' tune, too (lyrics excerpted above), & took me instantly to a better place. a worshipful moment! music again saves a life...
back to the T-shirt: actually, manuel gave me the frame, then i took it to dr derek lamar, who then had the art dept downtown, & we put the design together... & there it is still online today, along w/that cheerful blazers song from way back in the palomino days.
i was intoxicated on music & substances 24/7 back then, & so enamored of the blazers' down-home roots-rock&roll innocence, grit, & heart, i could scarcely touch earth. flyweight ruben & sumo-ish manuel, buddies since childhood w/ea other & w/los lobos, led this east-LA band, their repertoire influenced as much by vicente fernandez as chuck berry. i was crazy (really, tho i didn't know it) over their then-bassist, a 6.5' ladies' man w/penchant for dark humor & drink, & became the blazers' "#1 fan" (there've been many since, & such a determined creature features heavily in any band's success, i think!): wrote their monthly newsletter; designed show flyers; press kit; copied & mailed out promo tapes; wrote 50-60 letters to record co's (one actually got bill bentley's attn & they were signed to rounder!); drove down 2x or more per mo to watch their shows (& hang w/"boyfriend," of course). all this from bksfld, & them in e-los! i couldn't dance, but my skirts & enthusiasm were so high, i don't think most cared. the blazers filled me w/good cheer, w/life, w/soul when i could only find it elsewhere in bad habits.
manuel & ruben don't play together much now, tho both still have many options, ruben working w/pete anderson still. they are well-loved & respected individually, but i think most who know them pine for the day they'll reunite. i'm so lucky to still know them both, good men, brimming w/musical spirit & humanity & humor. i hope eventually they'll reconcile musically, as i always hope i will, too, when i have to part ways w/a friend...
eventually, love & communication & music can bring rebonding; if not, probably there was nothing to a relationship to begin with. (some people never come back because they were never meant to be there in the 1st place...) i parted ways w/the blazers having to get sober. it was painful, but from it, a new & better life came. like they say, "pain is the touchstone of growth." old-timer mudd, may he rest in peace, used to say, "i'm gonna grow, or i'm gonna go..." positive action, tho too often prompted by pain, is what is needed to keep evolving, to honor this beautiful life.
i'm there. it's time. like manuel wrote, "talk is cheap, anyway." "if you're feelin sad & blue, don't sit around & cry, no one's feelin sorry for you, you're just a-wastin your time." wise words, pleasantly put!!
blazers links follow: discography: http://www.cduniverse.com/search/xx/music/artist/Blazers/a/Blazers.htm ; manuel's page: http://www.myspace.com/thebigmanband ; the blazers' page w/music! http://www.myspace.com/theblazers