no blablablablabla! happy june!!!!!

how are you? i just haven't felt like writing lately... all is swell! :D we are busy with life. here are some pix. this upcoming week we start our duo gigs... i will write more later, mebbe... life is goooood, to quote geoffrey holder (r.i.p.), the un-cola genie of commercials of old (as well as renaissance man & recurring figure in james's dreams!)...

so burrr blablabla

i had to stop drinking in 1995, & when i first started going to meetings, all i heard about was "the international" in san diego. every 5 yrs, the worldwide association of 12 stepping drunks has an international convention someplace in north america. i had missed "the international" by just two weeks!! i'd been on some of my last drunks while 100s of thousands of happy sober people were at "the international"!! it drove me nuts & thought i, i'm going to the next one or die trying!! of course, that meant i had to keep the plug in the jug...
back then, several hard-a**es & program doomsayers took one look at my young, selfish, immature newcomer butt & got my number, telling me i'd "never make it."
"oh YEAH???" i sputtered. "i'll show THEM!!" know-it-all jerks!! i would make it!!
then i got cast as glinda the good witch in a 12 step adaptation of the wizard of oz; my main lines were "the promises," which, if you don't know, are that part of "the big book" that tells you all the positive, mature, rewarding things you'll be able to do once you sober up & start to grow up. i'd drive around downtown bakersfield at night practicing my lines, steering & muttering those promises to myself, & realized i WANTED those things in my life!!
all the nice people i met, along w/the promises, the doomsayers, my immediate identification w/the big book, & the lure of upcoming international conventions helped ensure that i stayed off the sauce day by day.
i was in like flynn in bakersfield sober circles for many yrs. i loved helping others, feeling useful & purposeful, like a good person, "part of," yet outside the gossip. i had a strong role model in my 1st husband, a close-mouthed man who, like my dad, just didn't believe in telling tales. i felt good, even great, more uncrazy than ever at many times during those years... we went w/friends to the 2000 international in minneapolis as well as the 2005 in toronto. my dear friend jani & i walked around a colorful international market; we all went to the ginormous mall of the americas; i fell off the rails emotionally & missed seeing ronnie dawson at a local club; we ate thai food & delicious fish; we visited meetings in many languages & walked amongst thousands, thousands of happy sober people. in 2010 i'd just gone through a very sad divorce & went to the convention in san antonio. i saw my ex-husband there as well as throngs of bakersfield friends who'd traveled to the tx gathering in a big cheerful herd. i was in a really bad spot in life emotionally & spiritually then, but the convention was all-wonderful.
the next one's in atlanta. i'll have 20 years. did i mention the conventions always fall on my sober birthday weekend? my selfish part is pleased by this: every 5 yrs, i celebrate my bd not just with the u.s.a., but w/the sober world. i've started really getting excited about this convention, going to atlanta w james, continuing on to kentucky to again visit his loving, wonderful family there, traveling, being sober, having a chance to keep growing, getting healthier, connecting to others, helping & being helped, not just existing but feeling fully awake & alive.
can't wait!!!
to conclude, here's a section from the most important book i've ever read, pp 152-153. when 1st i heard it, at the little church meeting that was my thursday night home for 14 years, my chest swelled & i nearly cried. i grew up loving superheroes. i never wanted to become what i did, a confused, desperate, unhappy, sick in all ways girl-woman who broke her mother's heart, hurt all who loved her, in the vice of a fatal disease. these promises, not the ones i had to learn for the play, are ones that kept me coming back, & still do. there's hope for a new life to anyone who wants it. this isn't the only way, but it's the way that has worked for me.  if you, too, are inspired by what you read below, here's the link:

[Here you will] find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship, and so will you.

"How is that to come about?" you ask. "Where am I to find these people?"

You are going to meet these new friends in your own community. Near you, alcoholics are dying helplessly like people in a sinking ship. If you live in a large place, there are hundreds. High and low, rich and poor, these are future fellows of [the program]. Among them you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties, for you will escape disaster together and you will commence shoulder to shoulder your common journey. Then you will know what it means to give of yourself that others may survive and rediscover life. You will learn the full meaning of "Love thy neighbor as thyself."

It may seem incredible that these men are to become happy, respected, and useful once more. How can they rise out of such misery, bad repute and hopelessness? The practical answer is that since these things have happened among us, they can happen with you. Should you wish them above all else, and be willing to make use of our experience, we are sure they will come. The age of miracles is still with us. Our own recovery proves that!

Our hope is that when this chip of a book is launched on the world tide of alcoholism, defeated drinkers will seize upon it, to follow its suggestions. Many, we are sure, will rise to their feet and march on. They will approach still other sick ones and fellowships... may spring up in each city and hamlet, havens for those who must find a way out.

cabeza & ancianos

re cabezas, i am attempting to reprogram mine. his has been asleep a lot lately. rest is restorative, so i think he's reprogramming, too, ursine, hibernating, rejuvenating for spring.
he sculpts more & more, always heads. i find that cool cause when i used to draw in near-photographic fashion, i was fascinated, too, by human heads & faces. always had trouble drawing ears; james is good at them. maybe cause he's always had his on view to learn their contours whereas mine've been covered always by hair. maybe cause he's just a better sculptor. maybe cause i'm just learning to listen.
ears? what?
as pt of my reprogramming, i last wkend went up to the westside of LA & spent the day w/60 recovered women & my favorite irish "nunny bunny," so funny, spry, sharp & snappy (not to mention wise & loving), who announced next wk (this wk!) she'll be 79. wow! boy, what a wonderful day; i couldn't be more grateful for that experience as well as the next day, which led me to chant w/hundreds of others, then get to listen to some really inspiring talks about transforming oneself w/purpose of bringing comfort, peace & happiness to others. the teacher in me was so moved by this wholesome & noble & heartening philosophy! i can't wait to learn more of all this good stuff, be it 12 step, buddhist, christian, pantheist, or whatever... so glad i am remembering to continue to wash my mind.
i imbibed (i hope) much patient wisdom from my sponsor yesterday. pertinent to what i just wrote was when she reminded me, "there's a reason you have one mouth & two ears..."

also yesterday i learned my sponsor is 91 yrs young. i almost burst into tears & told her so; she smiled puzzledly, "why?" i told her they were tears of joy, that she was inspiring. i am nowhere near young anymore, yet she is twice my age, & so full of life & wisdom!... so here are some heads... the clay james is the 3rd i've made, trying different kinds of his clay as he chunks me a lump (or lumps me a chunk)... i did this one hurriedly w/o my glasses, just for comparison's sake. how do bad eyes affect my art? the upper skull should be taller, but i didn't have the clay or time, so think it came out ok, considering. his heads always are fictitious persons bc james is more imaginative than i am. he has just started on this hobby/outlet in the past many months. he is really, really good, i think!
time for more coffee... harvelle's tonight, downtown long beach, 9 pm-midnight. at that time, the bear will rise from his cave to roar mightily for the awe & pleasure of all. :)

"hope is the thing with feathers..."

- doh! current life for james & me is exciting, scary, lonely but not empty, & really good -- it's a time of huge positive change for better-than-ever health in all ways! i am hopeful & happy for him, & i know he is for me.
- this eve we went to dinner w/aunty rita & i was treated to an ahi salad, which she says uncle henry always used to order, so i got it in his honor. wow - it was so delicious! company was nice, too. so fortunate am i -- must never forget!
- the wind, which has been blowing like a banshee for three days now, finally stopped; i am learning a new mantra & practice as well as taking contrary action (positive instead of fearful/selfish!); i've been reunited w/many fellow trudgers whom i love: life feels wide-open, full of promise for improved wholeness, moral & physical integrity, a slipping away of fear in exchange for loving faith in the great ineffable that moves mountains -- not to mention anticipation of good times, music, creativity, good purpose, fun, & true appreciation, support, & love, not mere infatuation... here are some pix for now & may you be warm, safe, &, if not happy, at least healthy &/or wealthy in corpus, animus, et spiritus...

i am so disappointed.... whinewhinewhine blablablablablablablablabla

how disappointed?
i am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo disappointed. and dumbfounded. and confused. and offended. and nervous, whereas before i felt happy, even hopeful and content.
i also feel somewhat heartbroken. and angry, tho that's hard to admit.
this, too, shall pass.
the only constant is change.
tonight over dinner, aunty rita, on a different topic, summed it up (the topic had been someone who has been judgmental): "he oughta look in a mirror."
"let he who is without sin cast the first stone." that's sure true. and you're certainly casting a stone my way if you dug around for one to begin with. as my husband would say, "KNOW THAT."
so on to nice things: the house in the mountains is getting all cleaned up to make room for future permanent residence for two; i did hours of much-needed yardwork today (i love doing yardwork! the sun beamed down so beautifully! the air was so crisp, so fresh! somehow, the rosemary lives on!); skinny the cat showed up & was her old, friendly self, bumping & bustling about, more canine than feline, i think; i dropped belated, appreciated yuletide gifts to a happy friend bursting w/good news; i was greeted here at the family home & had that warm, christmas-carolish feeling i get sometimes when here, like there's never too much love or good cheer or warm-hearted generosity of spirit.. & now i'm swathed in borrowed bundlery (is that a word? who cares) in a loving household of which i'm lucky to be a part."you're a good egg," said brother-in-law doug (who'd certainly know cause he's one big ole good egg, for sure) over delicious mama-cooked-with-love dinner of enchiladas, chile relleno casserole, beans, rice, salad, "in a family of good eggs..."
yes, everyone in this family is welcomed to take part in the good eggery. better good than rotten. that just seems obvious, doesn't it?

kind thoughts to R.T., lifelifelife, & baby james

- spoke last nite to the lost rocker al hendrix, who filled me in on music news, but most importantly that we all need to send good thoughts/prayers to robert tidwell of token okies & wichitas, who is recuperating in hospital right now from mini-stroke... remember his dear wife, angel, too, when you send that white light! surrounded w/love & support, robert will heal, just as candye did, just as do so many who have the universal life force filling them. thoughts & prayers of strength to these dear people...
- how are you? i woke up w/tv hangover & disappointing last-minute phone call... then got online & had email message from MY FUTURE EX-HUSBAND!! (tho really, truly... i HAVE given up.) even still, that he knows who i am & even signed his msg "love," well, to imagine 27 yrs ago when i 1st saw his crazy-orgiastic, cunicularly handsome face that this'd be the case today is really unimaginable, if i think on it.
- speaking of faces, look @ whiteboy james & crew, by way of kaykay & youtube! whatta crazy hunk fireball! too, it's funny to me that scott abeyta actually looks younger NOW, 21 yrs later. ... someone told me the other day i must've found the fountain of youth, but i'd say scott might, too! you be the judge...