AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! BLAAAAAABLAAAAAABLAAAAAAH!!

(lazy writing alert: emphatic "!!!" & CAPITAL LETTERS ahead)
dang it, this blog has stats. if you come to this site, the site you JUST LOOKED AT is tracked by blogger!! i just went into the stats page of my little blog & saw listings for some gross & disgusting  sites... if you're looking at nasty & foul stuff, stop visiting my blog!!!!!!!! go away!!!!!!!
i know i can't control that one bit, so the only thing i can do is express how revolting it is to me when happy fool here goes to the "stats" page to twinkle & glee over how many humans have been cyber-visiting her & sees these perverted, putrid websites documented... bleghghghghg!!!
i'm kinda stuck lately, sick where i have trouble talking & walking, but i sure can type! i'm good for little except surfing the web. it's actually led to some teaching, voice talent, proofreading job leads & more gigs for me & james! course, i'm too ill to get to the job interviews, keep having to reschedule, so it's kinda... frustrating yet exciting... work! work is good! laborare est orare!
i've been withdrawing from paroxetine. that's right, me, sober over 20 years, WITHDRAWING. the new doc told me to be nice to myself; it's not like i've relapsed. the ironic part is, i'm probably suffering a great deal more BECAUSE i've been sober so long. i'm probably as much a lightweight as a baby, in fact. so if i'd kept partying down & took paxil, i'd not maybe be this sick.... crap!!
i went in two yrs ago a hopeless anxious depressed wreck & my nice doctor, a pretty, intelligent woman who probably got straight As all thru school & who obviously has NO experience with addiction, told me to take paxil, so i did.
my fault!! should've researched it!! didn't!! gullible, believing authority, wanting to trust: sucker!! it never stops!!
so i took the med i was prescribed, for the first time in my life exactly AS prescribed, & here i find myself two years later (transitioning to another, much safer med) sick sick sick, oh my, so physically sick... friends tell me, "oh, they're being sued. you should sue them!!" but those lawsuits are for paxil-induced outcomes far worse, certainly evil, even: babies born of mothers who'd been on paxil,  baby comes out with something very wrong; families of people who stopped taking paxil, got depressed, took their own lives. horrible! this is not that -- this, tho it's a highly unfortunate situation, is not sue-worthy!
 james & i were joking -- as we do; hahaha! --- about kicking peoples' asses. james is the dalai lama compared to his Old Life, when he was a tough sucker -- the toughest man I'VE ever met or known about, that's for sure! so it comes up bc he actually can do it whereas physically i probably could, if my opponent were weak & tiny, but then how could i? see? temperamentally, no, i don't think i ever could! but i told him if we ever meet a person from glaxosmithwhateveritscalled evil big pharma that developed paxil, we will beat those thugs to a pulp.
cretins!!!! pushers!!!! as*holes!!!!!! the whole idea made us laugh, & then, of course, i felt much better. :) mama said recently -- with great affection, i add -- as james was being silly, "how can you feel bad being married to a man like that?" he's so quick & funny, quite a marvelous human being that way, verbally gifted, lightning-smart, & hilarious. he reminds me to stop taking life so seriously... thank goodness!
my brain zaps. and in fact, that's what the phenom is called: brain zaps. at 1st it was a tiny bit cool, kinda like being bride of frankenstein or the monster. but then it intensified: no longer cool at all. add nausea, headache, fatigue, mood swings & you have a condition FAR worse than i could've envisioned. james has been a big help, having suffered many bouts with withdrawal. me? i had three days of DTs over 20 yrs ago. never anything like this. I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS!
however, sick & puky, wobbly & mood-swingy, i'm still in general quite happy. :) i love my life, & i love, i mean, i LOVE my husband! -- more all the time, the more i know him. we have gone thru storms & battles & wars & strife together... and didn't give up! this is how stuff gets solidified, fortified, ingrained. our lives nowadays are the best they've  been! and w/ possibility of getting work in areas i love (teaching, library, art, music)? so happy. and not only is james getting more & bigger gigs, with a lineup of good honest men whom i really like & who are loyal & good to james, but WE, me and james!, are getting more gigs. click on this to see where & when: whiteboy and jenny combo
gonna quit writing now, stand up & try not to barf, maybe play some piano... yes! in spite of the lumps & bumps & having to be reminded of the presence of internet weirdos & having to shake out this evil, sickening anti-depressant, LIFE IS GOOD! may yours be, as well. even you weirdos! even you as*holes! even you petty, scum-sucking sleaze bags! :D
 may we all live & be merry!

yayyyyyyy!!!!!

feel so good about this new year. :) hope you do, too.

jumping jehosaphat, casey hensley sings like no other!

ant, me, beloved james on happy new year's eve 2015-2016...

"do you know how it feels to be like this?"

- five royales
- and how are you, dear reader? my friend & i played that song on the fly the other day for a show & kinda blew it... he'd been up a bit too long to well-sing it, which caused me to fold in a few spots cause i thought i was the one messing us up, but even so, he's one of the best singers on earth, living or dead, plus it's a gorgeous song, so the rendition really couldn't suck no matter what...
- tho some of us've not been there for decades, since birth, actually, i send greetings from planet j. my life changed recently. it's ok now that i am kind of insane. a paradigmatic shift, a sea shift has occurred. crazy = ok, long as i don't hurt anyone, & it's even cool & desirable, in some people's eyes, indicating creativity & passion & commonality. i am understood, & i understand.
- "i refuse to let our combined mental illnesses keep us from having fun." wow! talk about practical, kind, realistic, reassuring. wonder powers, activate.
- may you who read this feel the sense of wonder i now do... what an amazing feeling, to be like this. it's about dang time. incredible. stupefying. bonkers. fun. man, am i grateful. and i believe it can only get better, less someone drops dead. so i gotta be sure to take care of this temple so i can enjoy & learn from & deepen & revel in this next chapter to its fullest.
- gigs lately have been great, & visiting's been funner, & wilder, & sweeter, & scarier, w/a few socks to the gut followed by revelation & amazingly quick growth & connection... yes, i am talking about personal stuff here, but no details, never any details on here, just limning cause it's all just human experience, anyways, common to all: existence, birth, love, life, death... more later maybe.

"baby, you're a song writin' machine!"

for a few yrs, i didn't write many songs -- just sad stuff... the only good one that came out was "just wanna boogie," tho i like that one quite a bit, i must say! shortly after writing it, i played & sang it for my friend & he retorted, "tell your band i said if they don't do that song, they're f**kin' stupid!" :) the dry spell's ended for a bit, & lately songs've just been pouring out! i don't know from whence they come, but i am so happy. :)
here's two from the last two days...
MEDDLERS: she's the problem, not you, baby / he's the problem, not me, baby / they need to get out of the way / they need to get gone & stay / this ain't jealousy, you & i just need to be free of these meddlers, meddlers, meddlers... / he needs to respect his place / she needs to get out of my face / i like em all just fine / til they get out of line / it's a matter of respect / they won't have no teeth left, these meddlers, meddlers, meddlers... / where do they get off, anyways, thinkin they can step in & make a play? / what makes all of these fools think they can get between us, anyway? / they don't know you or me, & we like it that way, honey / no amount of their stupid games can mess with us, no charms or money, meddlers, meddlers, meddlers... / i trust you, you trust me / its a new thing for us, you see / we like em all a lot as long-as / they give us room, & don't bug-us / just show some respect & fun / don't come up & act all dumb, don't be a meddler, meddler, meddler...
DO YOU FEEL IT, TOO? is that him? is that the one i've been waitin' for? / i see him looking at me w/a gaze that i adore / we ain't met in the real flesh til this night so neat / it's the start of a real friendship, something oh so sweet / i stepped out of the darkened club, & he seemed to be / standin right there with a big ol' smile, looks like he's waitin for me! / we talk oh so easy just like we have known each other forever / how can someone oh so cool be also so cute & clever? / then he said, do you, do you, do you feel it, too? my heart said yes, it's true / do you, do you, do you feel it, too? i fell so hard for you / thru the night, while we stood & talked, he was trying hard to see / was i there all by myself, or which man was there with me? / when i look back on this fateful night, i see signs from the beginning / we fast friends eventually would send each others' souls & hearts a-spinning, then he said, do you, do you, do you feel, it, too? my heart said, yes, it's true! do you, do you, do you feel it, too? i fell so hard for you!

oh brother, where art thou?

- today was easter. passover. springtime. sunday. how are you? i can't sleep. horrid headache. monstrous. monstress. sister & niece may've spread to me today their germs. blast. might be, tho, that the squirrel residing in brain for past month, now gone, left behind serious cranial pain. been having bad headaches... yes, i miss that stupid squirrel, who couldn't focus, but who felt so on fire, & tho frequently worn out, didn't care about much & was creative & felt wily & like she was a barrel of monkeys. i thought the scholar'd taken her place, but scholar was only here for two days & looks like sadsack's in residence, instead. hope sadsack doesn't stay long. no fun. no creativity. lots of moping & defensiveness. gets fat. at worst, has suicidal ideation, outbursts, goes to hospitals.
- i argued today w/person who says i am like two separate people & don't remember things i say/do when i'm "that other person." could be true, perhaps. i mean, sometimes what comes out of my mouth is like pea soup from linda blair in the exorcist. and it's true, i don't remember the crap that spews forth; it's all kinda fuzzy. when i was younger, i'd see red & everything'd be bad before i could stop it. it happens less now, but i spose is still kinda scary, if i think about it, so i won't.
- w/another friend am sposed to discuss this kinda stuff which i spose is related to dissociation, etc. i hope it'll be helpful for us both. this friend, troubled & brilliant, operates on a different time frame, tho, so i can't hold my breath. but do hope to get some feedback eventually... (still can't help wondering, even if it's kinda scary @ times, if it's real or merely overreaction from certain people i know/have known... hmmm...)
- anyways, easter generally was solid: ex-hubby blb brought the dogs (our sons) up to the mtns yesterday so we could visit, b, me, & the mcgraws, our sweet friends. b went home after friendly meal & hike; this a.m., bill & i read rumi & earth poems & we all gazed @ the mtns out my windows & were clam-happy. they headed home to SD & i took doggies to bako to feast hosted, as always, by generous, loving mom & dad w/family & extended- & super-extended family (ex: all in one rm, hanging out, are sister; sister's ex-hubby & his girlfriend; daughter's friend, who is living w/sis's ex-hubby & sis; daughter; sis's spouse-to-be; sis's childhood best friend). in eve, went to movies w/ex-bf & saw chronicle, not at all a bad flick. had ok time, tho as usual interaction was kinda odd & sad for both, i think...
- home now at my folks', waiting for tomorrow's practice w/karling & co, gig saturday, & sunday hopping on plane w/becky for france. blowing this pop stand. should be thrilled... will be, i just know it... took train to hanford the other day & met becky & L; we lunched on sandwiches, chips, & immense ice cream scoops at superior dairy, then ultra-fashion-wise becky took me & L to forever 21, a store i've never shopped in, & i found clothes for paris & she helped me start to see how fun the whole trip is gonna be, just us four "girls" in gay paree, footloose & fancy-free... we saw a very cool wall sculpture of a yugo car frame, opened up & splayed flat like a gigantic rusted beetle; then i caught the train home & met the nicest young man, a hiphop singer, & made other friends, as well... this was in the squirrel's last day; it felt like i was one of the "ambassadors of the human race" i'd read about one time in the NYer. it's lovely to feel so warm & happy & inviting toward all people. sadsack just doesn't.
- wisest words read lately: "praise allah, but be sure to tie up your camel." also: "may all the voices you hear be helpful ones." that will be swell, when it happens again. come back, little squirrely. i miss you already.

"hello" to jp + bang bang: great song, bad idea

hello.
thank you for continued interest in life. and i suppose me.
it's good to maintain a constant interest in life - one's own, others', the life process. good but elusive.
i bashed my noggin pretty badly yesterday, so we'll see where this writing goes -- here're some pix from this past wkend. cattie ness & the revenge: nice, fun-loving full of life, generous, laid-back comrades. becky, strong & beautiful, has created for herself a full artist's life which she kindly shares w/people like me. as you can see, the band pic came out well -- atractive folks, photogenic. however, from now on, i will groom myself for shows, & for life, for that matter, since when i don't, i feel like i'm in drag, an impostor, a midget. becky'd asked the band for an elegant look -- you can see that she (& fabi) are gorgeously coiffed -- mentioning "audrey hepburn." sighing w/doom, i realized i can't even see "audrey hepburn" from here... but "lon chaney"? yes, that look's possible, as you can see from hotel photo of my texting marathon w/fellow monster... ah! society breeding discontent & desperation (damned freud!)... ah! unstructured life condemning soul to sloth & madness (i pray temporarily)... this reminds me, tho, that i glimpsed another kindred spirit in dex romweber when skimming his CD dedication to both st cecilia & chaney & wonder if he's better-reconciled the monstrous & ecstatic impulses, a life of fun & bliss blackened by the hole of heartache & oblivion. thought my fellow monster had it made, but he, too, confessed to sadness & brokenness. arrrgggh.
will there be fun & fulfillment again before this pop stand blows? can we write out a syllogism? what would the fringe physicists say? certainly someplace there are different versions of you & me & everyone we know, & some of them gotta be consistently happy. quantum mechanics thusly alleviates, @ least for this parsec, bleakness & self-pity... w/that, let's toss the gloom & wish happy rapture-that-never-came to all. we're all still breathing, for pete's sake! lastly i must thank a person i know for ratting the demon out so that he didn't have to try to contain her all alone & so she could live another day & maybe get a dang exorcism once & for all. as for mr & mrs gia, there are seats in heaven for them both, & no words can tell how much i love them. bravery to do what the soul calls -- i've had it; i've been there; i seek it again. may your path today be clearly-guided, gentle & brave.