ribbit... yawn... blablablablablablablablablablablabla

- (excessive 1st person pronoun alert... dang it, it's my blog! why do i apologize? good grief. oh well.)
- life's hopping, tho activity's been slow here on the blablablog... a frog in my throat since last saturday, i sang my pipes out completely at our DD/karling & atomics show in sta clarita, afterward collapsing into total sicky land. (word around bakersfield, which ALWAYS is the word around bakersfield, btw: "there's something nasty going around...") been pretty miserable, worsening things by continuing to try to gallivant as well as show up for family, telling friends since it's just physical sickness, i can handle it -- a wan joke... shoulda seen it coming, tho, & been smarter: been hitting it too hard. then there was the cold (tho fun) 6.5 mile hike led by andy noise/exploding water bag (read beblablablablalow)... dang, why is common sense so elusive? must get some payoff, as must all who may be intelligent, but aren't too dang smart, literally in my case not smart enough to come in out of the rain (well, water)... back to sta clarita, i've never done a show so laryngitically: ouch, it hurt intensely!! so like at our last show at trout's (bassless), i figured we better just attack that sucker & rock it extra super-hard!! i found out that robbie's stage presence is as cool-solid as stevo's is winning as well as that people still seem to love dusk devils & tell me kind, flattering things, even when i have no voice, & that a rockabilly-punk band called inazuma, who played clean-up that night, are my favorite japanese band since guitar wolf... wow! those guys were super-cool & rockin!!! they really capped the whole eve for me & made it one of the funnest gigs i've had in some time, ill health included. it was so swell to hear & watch them grind out "shakin all over" as kids & oldsters bounced off one another in a slampit... haven't seen anything like that in quite some time!
- being sick all wk i've had to realize how much i miss & get a kick out of my silly, neotenic voicet; it was reduced to a scratch, then a bark, then a nothing, then a whisper, then a drag queen, then waylon flower's madam, marge simpson, fran drescher w/o the honk, & finally, finally it's about 80% back, tho i still can't sing too well & still have a lot of throat/ear/eye pain...the impulse to just shout it out is near-overwhelming. i can't recall so, so wanting to sing! i guess the sentiment that "you always want what you can't have" extends beyond "love"... i've had two chances to play music this wk w/others & one i absolutely could not resist, so through the glass shards piercing my ears & throat, sang i did, realizing tho my range is significantly reduced, were i to have to continue like this, i could evolve into a shout singer cause there can be no fear: a person's got no choice but to belt it out good!!
- went to a few music shows to see my wild bluesman friend james blast the concrete off the barroom floor like he always does, feeling unusually shocked & amazed by his & his band's charisma, tightness, musical prowess/knowledge, & sorcerer-like power, whipping the crowd up in a wave of musical frenzy & catharsis ("a dionysian!" exclaimed my artist friend, her eyes lighting up w/joy, when i told her how he blows each solo & belts out each song as if it could be his last, w/such commitment to performance, any human unmoved, or rather, un-entranced, would have to be one incapable of emotion or in heavy denial)... so i showed up & was so surprised & flattered (& slightly embarrassed) to be greeted as if it were MY show, too!, w/people asking left & right when DDs were gonna play & how much they love ME (me??)... i tell you, who could've envisioned this kind of response from folks? i can only be dazed & grateful & try to appreciate it while i'm here, at this time in my life, doing it... i especially love that i get such kind attention from other women... anyways, back to the voice, a gal singer at one show told me she ruined hers for YEARS not resting it during laryngitis, even had to have surgery on her vocal cords. that should scare me, & it did momentarily, but my monkey don't listen & also has a short attn span.
- i hope i don't pay dearly for this some day... :(
- dang, how many times in life, in how many situations, have i (you, too, maybe?) "vaguely sensed," as it says in the big book, "i was not being any too smart," then ignored the little voice (not the monkey; monkey usually is the "big voice," unfortunately) & went full-steam ahead into whatever foolishness loomed? the big book also says, "common sense will... become uncommon sense." ha! when? well, only when i'm willing to take some right action! -- not when i'm running around w/pockets full of cash & no commitments except to play music & hang out w/loved ones. talk about a spoiled life i'm having right now!... merde... i shudder now, tho, realizing that the only way i've ever cleaned up my ways is thru some calamity/nightmare/travesty or other... unless i want the bad monkey to hog the cage, & indeed, crap all over & eventually ruin it, i need to be back in service.
- dang it!! i used to tell students one of the main benefits of writing is it helps them figure stuff out... this just was proved to me again.
- after all, as a friend so in-eloquently but truthfully stated, "i'm too old for this sh*t" -- that is, too old to be on tears that, tho clean & sober in my case, involve too-long hours, not enough sleep, performing w/hysterical, sometimes near-berserk exuberance, then shouting & having ears screamed into in order to "chat" in crowded bars & nightclubs... & then there are the cigarettes. i don't have the nicotine jones like my dear ex-hubby or wbj do, thank the great pumpkin, but i do have a thing for greens, finding them strangely sensual. i dunno. do "loves" ever make sense intellectually? at least immediately? not for me... those dang cool menthol death sticks: they're like that bad, bad good-looking man...
- so anyways, i sits here in the wee hours of morn & should be in the sack, but now that i'm finally starting to feel better, am hoping maybe to roll up on another creative wave, even if it's a just a mini-one, just ride it a little ways before being dumped back on the shores of mundanity (not sickness again, tho, please, no)...
- oh gosh, how boring has this post become? bleh. love to all. something deeper, more intellectual, more creative, more entertaining next time, maybe... for now, another dumb blablabla now draws to its close.

aaaaaahhh... calm....

- it always returns, like a breeze, like a miracle... as many of you know, moods like sea change are a trial, but invariably, waters smooth again & feel like glistening moonlight & gentle lap-lap-lapping both cozy & stretching forever, oh, what love & compassion & kindness & patience & happiness we get to feel in those moments, right? i hope that you do...
- the below poem, quite important to me, hangs in my house. a dear friend was visiting recently & on a whim, i just knew he'd "get" it, REALLY get it...
"will you read it to me?" my friend said, so i did, & he exhaled, "wow. i got goosebumps..."
today i lunched w/other friends who dropped in unexpectedly, & what a happy surprise it was to see them, married nearly 30 yrs, immersed & freed for life as artists, about to move north to start their next chapter together, best friends, fiercely loyal, aware how lucky they are to have one another, & never taking their loved ones for granted, even ones like me whom they don't see much... well, to know people like this, ones who effortlessly understand, empathize, "get it," w/whom words can be superfluous bc we seem to have an emotional language, even when separated for long periods of time... i so love having these beautiful souls in my life.
- they didn't see it, but i suspect these friends, too, might get the below poem, also... what do you think about it? do you relate? does it help? i hope so.
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond. (rumi, coleman barks translation)

blablablablablablablablablablablabla, music, men, freed to grow up, who cares, my blog, mwahahahah

- water's running down the stream again: i've been writing songs, averaging 1 decent one/wk lately! recently i reworked one called "tarzan" i'd written for my old guitar player phil but now realize better explains where i'm at these days, tho w/"artistic license," of course... no song's a straight-arrow truth; that's part of the fun of writing them: freedom to play w/reality. anyways, i hope we do it in dusk devils: we'll see!
- how are you? in addition to frequent travel & practice & gigs, lately i've been experiencing the most happy semi-retired bum days, enjoying the breezes up here on the mountain, listening to the wind chimes, gazing at the birds & trees, enjoying visits from vagabond kitty & black-dog buford (traveling neighborhood animals content to plop down @ my pad for a bit, then move on), writing songs, writing journal, playing piano, taking the BRAT out for a little 4-wheeling (haha!), reading, going to meetings, hiking, supping w/friends, doing yoga, enjoying summer foods & coffee, cleaning house (i love keeping my house clean w/the exception of doing dishes, which i hate w/passion!)... don't see how life could be any better, really, as it stands. :)
- ... just spoke to ronnie mack & DDs will be doing the buddy holly/patsy cline barndance in september. yay!! thursday's a radio show w/karling in bakersfield & friday's a gig w/DDs and KA at b ryder's (flyer someplace; i'll try to post it here)... like i said, life is just singing these days. don't wanna think too much about possibly why that would be; will just feel fortunate & hope that your life, too, sings! :)
- i tend to be an emotional chickensh*t where the tough stuff's concerned, but at mama's behest, i gave news of a huge life-change to my ex-husband & -beau the other day. it was tough for me cause i'm not used to being straight w/people when i know it'll potentially make them uncomfortable/sad; i want to smooth everything over, make everyone ok, not look like the bad guy (that last one's probably the real truth). this means i'll lie & fudge in the moment, which only temporarily soothes situations & also ultimately makes me feel like a weasel... however, now w/all in open, i feel freer! it's premature to say, but i might be on the road to growing up (it's about time!!), forging a big, friendly, powerful pact w/a human who seems to want the same. whatever happens, i know the situation i'm in right now is healing, already having brought me much self-revelation &, maybe for us both ultimately, personality integration, at least as much as possible... (middle-class, american, semi-retired: i'm reminded of george carlin's quote. "some people see things that are and ask, why? some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.") anyways, i'm not gonna feel guilty that i have the luxury of time to write about all this -- will just feel grateful. i mean, just to feel understood in "that way" right now is quite a blessing... wow! someone understands me, all of me, & wants to learn more, & doesn't want to change me, nor me, him? unprecedented.
- after speaking to one of the exes, & last nite as i wallowed for a bit in longing & loneliness (briefly, tho, cause my friend called & snapped me out of it), i started thinking about the power & delusion of fantasy life. in real life, it will happen when one person idealizes the other in her/his absence; the reality can never compare. in my case, until i found booze (allowing me to then find bad men), i lived, luxuriated, sequestered myself in fantasy, being obsessed w/famous people... & i still will do it when i am lonely, musing about "if only" or just looking at pictures of, for instance, johnny weismuller or some other incredibly attractive famous male... it was & is like that "mitote" spoken of in that book "the four agreements," an evil fog, really, so much safer than dealing w/real people, especially real boys/men, but keeping me from growing emotionally, keeping me from really living & loving!
- even w/the vision of a mole, i was quite an artistic young person, so i'd gaze, pine, just zone out looking at famous men's faces, spending countless hours drawing them, listening to their music, imagining being w/them, them holding me, kissing me, saving me like knight in shining armor (if our dad's reading this, he probably just vomited. sorry, dad! even being brought up in the gia intellectual tradition, i drank just enough of society's koolaid to be sickened, apparently!)... since, i've been in real-life relationships that were extensions of that youthful delusion. i have "loved" musicians, actors, handsome men, brilliant men, lonely tho bigger-than-life types. i worshiped them as objects, then vilified them. i picked emotionally/geographically unavailable men, dreaming of that someday when they would do what i want, act the way "i know he can," fulfill my script, & then we'd live happily ever after. wow! pretty immature, huh? of course, then the relationships would suck, my "love" for them being conditional. the one i had that went the best, my marriage, went well enough, but there were secrets & sadnesses, tho we today are dear, loving friends...
- what i'm entering into now is no game, no contest, no cover-up, but a triple-L event. i'm not having to manipulate to try to ferret out attentions, nor flirt w/others or reciprocate their interests to fill up the hole in my soul, nor wonder: is he thinking of me? does he love me? does he have my best interest in mind? and i care about his well-being. that one is huge. i've usually felt, shameful to admit, every man for himself. selfish fear makes people do weird things, doesn't it? my dear ex, when we made amends, asked me to be kinder to men. well, b is easy to be kind to -- but w/this person of whom i write now, our shared feelings are humanizing me, softening & making more generous my attitude toward men in general... i feel safe. i know he won't calculatedly ambush me. and i know, cause it's already happened, if we have a wreck, we'll fix it together. he's not gonna just abandon me, bloodied by the roadside, nor will i, him.... heck! if this continues, i'll be a genuinely good human being, able to treat all persons as persons instead of puppets! :)
- if anyone on earth has reason to be a victim, a bad monster, ruined by what life's handed him, it's this human. instead, he's a success, a wiseguy, a smarta*s, a friend, a kind, funny, sage, talented, brave, fiercely intelligent survivor, & together we've started making lemonade from lemons, or as aunty rita has said is impossible, chicken salad from chicken sh*t...
- i've blabbed far too much already... in summation, were this to end today, i'd be destroyed likely for quite some time, but in the end i'd have to be thankful cause it's unprecedented, magical, & changing me for the better. it may be what people throughout the ages have called true love.
- do you relate to any of this? i hope that you do. and i hope that you feel it, too. wish me luck. may you have it, as well.

"in a relationship"... mush alert ahead (you've been warned) (sing five royales' "i'm with you"):

it now is facebook-official. i would analyze that more, but just don't want to. brain was on fire last night, in despair yesterday, 'cause despite this beautiful, unprecedented, scary (what if something happens to him?) time in my life, i still have a mood disorder, but this time the storm was weathered pretty quickly, & he gave me important reassurance, ballasting my capsizing ship like he, my hero, does... oh, to be comforted by & connected w/an understanding human being: what a gift. i no longer need to manipulate, cajole, & turn wild hopeless helpless demon in futile attempts to be recognized as existing... it's time to jettison those old behaviors, no longer necessary. in fact, they hurt him, i'm realizing, because he loves me.
wow. what an amazing statement. someone truly loves me... & shows it! i must be better, more thoughtful, less selfish... i must not hurt him w/old behaviors, pay better attn to my actions. we are fervently, productively in love, growing & growing up & getting better together every single time we interact. i am just flummoxed. as he wrote me, "isn't it just the best feeling in the world?!?!" yes, it is. this is love, baby, not confusion. i must rise to a new standard, be worthy of this blessing, astounding & unexpected. i must protect it, & him; he protects me all the time, i'm realizing, just by being wise & kind & understanding (& willing to "beat the sh*t" out of anyone who hurts my feelings in the least...). people who love one another take care of each other, have each others' best interests in mind, want happiness & health & all things good for their beloved, don't try to control, don't behave in a scary manner... (sing love boat theme) ... again, wow.
has this been enough mush? what can i say? this is my blablablog, & nothing could be more important to blablabla about than this!
these poems are for him, but also for you:

Oh! Love Bird (Love Song) (Kim Robin Edwards)
Oh! Love bird, don't fly away.
Spread your wings, and come my way.
Fly high, don't ever cry.
You will see. You'll soon be mine.
Oh! Love bird, don't leave my side.
Stay with me through out the night.
Oh! Love bird, next to me.
Love bird that's where you'll be.
Whistling a melody.
With me along, a symphony.
Oh! Love bird, don't be shy.
With me along, you'll never cry.
Soaring through out the sky.
Oh! Love bird, I'm by your side.
Oh! Love bird, don't sail away.
There will be another day.
For you and me to live our lives.
We'll sail across, the deep blue skies.
Oh! Love bird, don't fly away.
Oh! Love bird, why don't you stay?

(Rumi)
A moment of happiness,
you and I sitting on the verandah,
apparently two, but one in soul, you and I.
We feel the flowing water of life here,
you and I, with the garden's beauty
and the birds singing.
The stars will be watching us,
and we will show them
what it is to be a thin crescent moon.
You and I unselfed, will be together,
indifferent to idle speculation, you and I.
The parrots of heaven will be cracking sugar
as we laugh together, you and I.
In one form upon this earth,
and in another form in a timeless sweet land.

dusk devils off the cuff & unplugged

"baby, you're a song writin' machine!"

for a few yrs, i didn't write many songs -- just sad stuff... the only good one that came out was "just wanna boogie," tho i like that one quite a bit, i must say! shortly after writing it, i played & sang it for my friend & he retorted, "tell your band i said if they don't do that song, they're f**kin' stupid!" :) the dry spell's ended for a bit, & lately songs've just been pouring out! i don't know from whence they come, but i am so happy. :)
here's two from the last two days...
MEDDLERS: she's the problem, not you, baby / he's the problem, not me, baby / they need to get out of the way / they need to get gone & stay / this ain't jealousy, you & i just need to be free of these meddlers, meddlers, meddlers... / he needs to respect his place / she needs to get out of my face / i like em all just fine / til they get out of line / it's a matter of respect / they won't have no teeth left, these meddlers, meddlers, meddlers... / where do they get off, anyways, thinkin they can step in & make a play? / what makes all of these fools think they can get between us, anyway? / they don't know you or me, & we like it that way, honey / no amount of their stupid games can mess with us, no charms or money, meddlers, meddlers, meddlers... / i trust you, you trust me / its a new thing for us, you see / we like em all a lot as long-as / they give us room, & don't bug-us / just show some respect & fun / don't come up & act all dumb, don't be a meddler, meddler, meddler...
DO YOU FEEL IT, TOO? is that him? is that the one i've been waitin' for? / i see him looking at me w/a gaze that i adore / we ain't met in the real flesh til this night so neat / it's the start of a real friendship, something oh so sweet / i stepped out of the darkened club, & he seemed to be / standin right there with a big ol' smile, looks like he's waitin for me! / we talk oh so easy just like we have known each other forever / how can someone oh so cool be also so cute & clever? / then he said, do you, do you, do you feel it, too? my heart said yes, it's true / do you, do you, do you feel it, too? i fell so hard for you / thru the night, while we stood & talked, he was trying hard to see / was i there all by myself, or which man was there with me? / when i look back on this fateful night, i see signs from the beginning / we fast friends eventually would send each others' souls & hearts a-spinning, then he said, do you, do you, do you feel, it, too? my heart said, yes, it's true! do you, do you, do you feel it, too? i fell so hard for you!

row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...

-> thank you, everybody, for being my friend. tomorrow, july 4th, i will celebrate 17 years of sobriety. i am overwhelmed this yr w/the feeling that i have lived a whole 2nd life as a sober person, & i know at this moment i'll strive to continue to do so, for this life, bumps, bruises, & all, is a life, rather than the too-often futile-seeming existence i have led... my life's changed significantly in the past few months, & as i've written here, i feel so grateful & amazed, but at this moment, after meditating over the moonrise, also a tad melancholy: i've shared sober birthdays w/people whom i may not see again. i just will have to hold them in my heart & believe that everyone is better this way, that the stream of destiny is carrying me so steadily & gently lately bc i am no longer fighting against its current... events are unfolding so easily now, i can't help feeling that i am beginning to "fulfill my destiny," even tho voicing that idea brings me some intellectual discord... i shall CHOOSE to believe! magic, spirit, beauty, transcendence are so much more captivating than cold hard seeming-fact (what truly is "objective," anyways?), so following my apparently supernatural leanings, perhaps there is purpose, direction, meaning i am to fulfill, even as tiny as i am in this universe. yes, in this moment i shall have faith in this fate, accept it, glory in & be grateful for it. and if it turns out to be coincidence, randomness, chaos, i'll find out eventually bc my life will take a different course (even that phrase, however, suggests intention)... for now, i will chance the notion that "right now" evidences the unfolding of some purpose & scheme i cannot understand. and i am very, very happy for it. and i have the feeling lately that i "must've done something right" to be getting this apparent reward...
-> i just sat outside at my mountain house & watched the beautiful maizey-full moon rise as the hushed sky darkened to indigo & quail chirped & clucked to one another & little bats & birds flew overhead & i remembered, suddenly remembered what a sad mess my life was 17 yrs ago on this very night & how it is now... truly i don't recall ever feeling this peaceful, happy, & grateful as i have approached a sobriety birthday. i have no anxiety, no worry, no what-ifs in my mind... only calmness & a sweet sense of serenity.
-> yes, somehow, from the absolute worst has come an incredible (for me) life. :) thank you again, so, so much; even if you don't know it, you help me & we are & always will remain connected.
"that man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest." (thoreau)
"thank you for all You have given me, for all You have taken away from me, for all You have left me." (anonymous)
love to you & yours, j

happy independence day!!! and it's a big music weekend for dusk devils, karling & the atomics, more!

today is july 4, an especially important day for me (see below) as well, of course, on a much, much larger scale, the united states of america... may we all be freed today of whatever oppresses us, be it physical, spiritual, or elsewise. a special prayer, thought, intention, too, for dear loved ones who are in pain. i fervently, sincerely wish them return to good health & strength as quickly as possible... as i know many more of you are experiencing, too, tho life may be wonderful, it hurts to see loved ones suffer... i pray that i'll be ready to help however possible, whenever asked.
meanwhile, in the fun & frivolous dept (tho sunday's a benefit for a kind friend), this weekend:

mwahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!!

loose lips sink ships; mememememememememe, blablablablablablabla

if you don't wanna read about me, go on to another site. but here are some thoughts as i attempt to digest burger & fries:
1. growth & learning always are painful -- sometimes fleeting ("2+2=4," "i should never again touch that hot stove"), sometimes seemingly interminable (me learning to grow up & have an appropriate & kind relationship w/a man)... educators learn about cognitive dissonance. i remember how much my legs ached at night when as a kid i had growing pains. i moaned & suffered stoically as my bones stretched, anticipating reward: i was gonna be a basketball player. then in 7th grade, i stopped growing, my career as a professional athlete, literally, stunted.
2. today's been hot hot hot for the mountain (over 90)... i sat inside all day & wrote songs, & wrote, & did networking, & slept... this eve, all cooled & i set out to lake of the woods to the market there, serving backpacker/hiker/star watchers en route to mt pinos, which means the place has great grub! i piled up on pudding cups, tortillas, drinks, oatmeal cookies (WITHOUT raisins!! raisins in cookies are gross!!) while waiting for my burger & fries, then sat outside in the crisp night with mountains looming all around & full moon rising in indigo sky... my neighbor's told me bats come out in the eve, but this was the first time i'd seen any; i grabbed my ipod & tried to snap some pictures... a thin, grizzled man in ball cap staggered (truly!) out of the moose lodge next to the market. "trying to take pitchers of the bats?" he called. "watch this" -- he scooped up small rocks & began hurling them in the night sky; each time, a bat would swoop. "they think they're bugs!" said the man. i thanked him for helping my photographic attempts; however, it'd been too dark to get a shot, so now i write about it here, hoping i won't forget...
3. on another cool eve, my friend & i stood outside an immaculate & imaginatively-decorated watering hole & spied movement in an office window across the street. we loped over arm in arm & what i had thought to be a dog & cat playing together inside the office instead was... a dog & BUNNY playing together! bunny, tan & white, hopped & leaped & jumped on patient little weener pup; the animals circled & danced & even tumbled at one pt. the watering hole's pretty, sad-eyed bartender, between downing shots w/bar regulars, explained that bunny always is there, that she goes & visits it sometimes after closing up... what a sweet image, this kind-hearted, scratchy-piped gal walking over to say hi to her bunny friend thru the late-night glass... we watched the animals scamper & play until the dog abruptly & obediently turned tail & waddled to his human mother, who, done with the night's business, was gathering her purse to head home... bunny & puppy, frolicking for our enjoyment: if you've ever seen anything this adorable, count yourself lucky. i sure do. :)
4. mama cooked for my 45th birthday. i didn't end up doing the 45-mile walk after all, being too immersed in my new life, music, & all the travel that goes w/both. dad joked that maybe i should have just planned to walk 45 yards. instead, my family met my love, all going better than i could've imagined. i could tell my father was quite impressed by him & that mama & angie liked him quite a lot; i was so pleased when i spied him & my future brother-in-law, a fellow rubber-face who's too led at times a rough life, making faces at each other quietly from across the table... "ok," he grinned, announcing the match to be over, "you pass," & they shook hands. :)
5. this is gross to write, but years ago one male sent me text photos of his private parts. (some women have indicated this is common... how distressing!) my love sends me pictures of his long & strong & talented hands. he is a tough & worldly soul, yet has demonstrated tremendous class & romantic spirit when it comes to matters of the heart...
6. when i had to get sober, forced by a self-imposed crisis" i could "neither evade or postpone," i sat in a mental hospital's waiting room for about 36 hours, waiting & waiting to see the doctor, the only one who could spring me. i knew what i'd tell him: i've realized i'm an alcoholic; when i get home, i'm going straight to a meeting. the doctor kept walking by, ignoring me. all eve. all the next morning. all the next afternoon. he was to leave at 6 pm. "can you help me?" i asked my friend, who 12-stepped me later that eve, who was working at the hospital, who was on to the whole gig. "i'll have to stay here all weekend, if he won't see me today!" at 5 til 6, doc called me in. "i just have one question for you," he somberly intoned. "what?" i replied anxiously. "why do you keep f**king your life up?" ... i was reminded of this recently. a friend's been sick; the docs ran all kinds of tests. they called a week later & told him he was ok. he & all who love him jumped for joy! ...then they called back. he needed to come back in. they made his appointment... for five days later. make him contemplate the worst. make him sweat. in my case, the waiting, waiting, waiting caused me to really think & sink in: i'd been doing it to myself, hurting not just me, but my loved ones. they'd become ill with worry. i'd been selfish. and, in my case, i learned, sick, too, slave to a physical allergy & obsession. i can't safely touch it again... ever. and i can't control it on my own power; i've got to surrender to something bigger & better than me (the rest of this i'll save for a speaker meeting)... the enormity of it loomed larger & larger as hours passed. i was done; i had to be! i wanted to live. never again must i break my mother's heart, nor scare those who love me. people love me!! in my case, if they'd released me immediately, i don't think i would've ever reached this moment of clarity...
7. i'm building boundaries. it's tough cause, like many, i'm a people-pleaser w/a bit of a "coda" problem, & love to write, & reveal, & communicate but obfuscate... then part of "what's wrong w/me" means when stressed i melt down & blab & sob & ooze all over others in an emotional omelet. balance long's been a challenge: how to be moral & responsible, a good role model in an a-bit eccentric package, yet possess these wild black moods that feel like death when they strike? expressing them's part of exorcising them; how to do so appropriately? yes, it's vital to reconcile all, i think... i've told myself "no one reads my blog" & "i'm a nobody" (i'm fine w/both these notions) cause i have no ambitions of fame, only to play music & create & experience life. but i'm told people ARE watching (the rose maddox/buck owens duet "loose talk" might become the abiding theme song), that i have to be more careful of what i write & how i comport myself... so i'm called lately to become more circumspect, less flirty. (dang it! i don't flirt sexually... i like people! i've been told i'm charming & playful, for pete's sake! plus i'm kind of a prude, really, not to mention rather afraid of men; i flirt w/guys AND gals w/usually the purpose of making everyone laugh, think, feel happy & comforted [i save usually in writing, while my friend swoops in like superman; we both maybe could stand to let people have the dignity of their own experiences, meaning at times, let them fall, & then if it's our place, pick them up & dust them off]... ... the problem can be, i gotta admit, "usually." sometimes i have fallen short & have overstepped boundaries w/men when i'm lonely, wound-up, craving attention... the cavern of loneliness can swell so huge, it agonizes, feels so lethal, bringing such desperation... ah, stupid fallible human fears & foibles...) to be more private, grown-up, yet still true to self: to combine no-nonsense toughness (my friends) w/genteel politesse (my family): well, i'd have it made. "just be yourself," he said. but who is that? "oneself," i guess, is ideally an ever-evolving creature, & the evolving soul must be brave, for, to return to the original thought, growth, change is painful, even messy. i'm rising to this new challenge. i can, i will, i am, i must. i want to be brave & good & better, more loyal & worthy, more useful all the time. don't you? :) should you still be reading, & should you desire it, know that you, too, can rise to any challenge.
have a lovely day or night; have a lovely life, for that matter... and may we all stay green so that we may grow...
yes, i was gonna analyze & parse that, too, but heck, you've got a brain: please interpret as you will... :)

DUSK DEVILS

upcoming shows...
- thurs oct 16, santa clarita, 730-830 pm, with special guest karling abbeygate
- sat oct 18, frazier park, sue's tavern, 9-1am\
flyers and more info TBA
be well, friends. be good. be happy. if you can't be happy, don't be crappy.
my father-in-law, r.i.p., used to say "be cheery, deary." he was a very brainy & elderly & eccentric & beloved man. it was a wise sentiment.
to surrender means to drop weapons & go to the winning side.
argh.

five fifty-three a.m.

blablablablablablablablablablablablabla blablablablablablablablablablablablabla hahahahahahahaah hahahahahahahahaha heeheeheeheeheeheehee in the old days, not much was worse than the clink of milk jugs or the rooster's crow in the early a.m. or later in the morning, church bells ringing ((shudder)) after being awake for day or days... it's near-6 am now & i've not been asleep for days & yet i'm so happy. how wonderful life is, to be told not only that i'm not crazy (or toxic or weird or damaged or cruel or any number of condemnations i used to hear), but creative & fun, & that i am loved for having this spirit. we've both known people who shut us down, ignored us, wanted to control us, wanted to "fix" us when there's nothing in either of us that needs fixing...

and just like that, we are again "rocketed into the 4th dimension"...

- the best thing about moods is if they blow out, like the swinging saloon doors in a movie western, they'll sure-as-shootin flap back & settle to still. like a miracle, what always has happened for me & now for us has again happened, & the impending blackness of earlier has lifted. all is gentle & well. - the next chapter of my/our lives now begins... i'm convinced it'll be for the good & happiness of everyone... can't believe we'll live at the mountains & at the beach while playing music. wow: could be a dream come true! i'm so looking forward to being able to run, ride bicycle, be near my gyms, go to meetings more regularly again... even going back to work part time! idle hands & minds aren't good for souls prone to disquiet. my two-&-a-half year hiatus from life is now over; i am hopeful & in happy anticipation. :) may you be well, friends. (how he's perceived things... he, brave man, gives me too much credit, but i welcome being considered so highly, long as i can keep it from going to my head...)

funk & ramble

- i was raised by nice people, school teachers, children of alcoholics, i realized in recent years, which means denial (and politeness, & duty, & not rocking the boat) is their modus operandi... that, i hope, helped them when i was growing up, totally out of control, in the thrall of chemical dependency/alcoholism i didn't understand, tho i now do. i was screwed, long as i imbibed, which i had to, being the slave of physical craving & mental obsession & in those, w/no chance of being a responsible or self-respecting human. then there's this: my life's been relatively trauma-free, w/just the usual things happening that do in life when you have creepy adults pop in here & there (certainly not anyone i consider family), or deal w/males & other "lower companions" while drunk/loaded/in blackout (or heck, sober), as well as the usual sickness & death & tragedy & mundanity & mistake & humiliation & shame that can be part of life... then there's the garden-variety mental illness i have that i know is only the luxury of people like me who have basic needs met... were i to've grown up in equatorial africa, or poor in the middle east, or in a lower caste in india, or any number of other hypotheticals for me but stark realities for most of earth's peoples, i'd certainly not have the mental illness diagnoses i have: i'd be too busy trying to survive to be periodically bat-sh*t "crazy"... don't get me wrong: we were poor, but we had the library, & each other, neurotic & needy & confused & emotionally closed-up as we could be at times... my family is decent decent decent & along with the program, i am alive today because of them. i now want life, not existence or, worse, death (tho that bad patch can strike & numb the brain at times, like ball lightning), & in the past 17 plus years, i've had a buttload, an amazing adventure, tho quite a bumpy one. ultimately, despite sad times, bad times, low times, & more, i am so so grateful, for i get to continue to live & wonder: what will be next? i am most often happy now. i write because at this moment, i'm not, but i know it will return, as certainly, warmly, & comfortingly as will the sunrise... - no quotes or seeming wisdoms today. i'm holding it together but feel that state of ennui & futility approaching that hits when i'm removed from the things my soul needs. lucky i can look out the window & see nature & hear the birds & windchimes that remind me of what is, in my mind, reality. all will get better. all is for the best. i say that not in the candidian sense, not ironically, for i despise irony, & cruelty, & cynicism, the easy refuge of cowards, i think, & the fear that can overtake me out of nowhere, again, the luxury of a "first world" person of some brains & less common sense... i am rambling... did i tell you i have a stat counter on here? and i know who most of you are who read this blog, as well as what pages you read & download & how often you are here? so please don't read my blog all the time, then act as if we've never met, or you don't know me, or any other such nonsense. that just makes me think you are creepy & somewhat of a stalker of me & my loved ones. leave me a comment. you can do so "anonymously." let's be friends, or, if you don't want to, or can't at the least be respectful w/o being creepy, please go away. but if you won't do that, i don't really care, long as you keep your distance. i, being a thinker, worry-wort, & person of conviction, know who i am. do you? are your actions admirable? in line with your morals? are you happy? are you living the life that you should? i usually am, but when i'm not, i have lots of tools to lift the blues, one being writing. i still don't feel much better, but i know that i will. wish you the same, even if you do not return the sentiment, for we are all sister & brother humans in same life-ship which we enter & leave in same manner. yep, we are brethren, whether you like me or not. that is all.

the greatest days, months, & years are ahead

October (Robert Frost)... O hushed October morning mild, Thy leaves have ripened to the fall; Tomorrow's wind, if it be wild, Should waste them all. The crows above the forest call; Tomorrow they may form and go. O hushed October morning mild, Begin the hours of this day slow. Make the day seem to us less brief. Hearts not averse to being beguiled, Beguile us in the way you know. Release one leaf at break of day; At noon release another leaf; One from our trees, one far away. Retard the sun with gentle mist; Enchant the land with amethyst. Slow, slow! For the grapes' sake, if they were all, Whose leaves already are burnt with frost, Whose clustered fruit must else be lost-- For the grapes' sake along the wall.

:D

thank you to kaykay & cindy for these pix! yesterday's birthday show for vince jordan at long beach's house of hayden started out with an acoustic set by bernie pearl, then an on-the-fly mini-acoustic set by whiteboy james, scott abeyta & i. (james, who has near-eidetic memory, threw in jb lenoir's "don't touch my head," which i'd just played for him that morn for the 1st time!) this was followed by two powerful sets by WB james & the blues express, who put on the happiest, least aggressive show i've ever seen him do, then some high-energy johnny burnette/r&r trio from eddie nichols, & finally "rock boppin baby" & "american music" from the blasters, who swept in & out at the last moment. i've not heard phil alvin's voice sound so strong for quite some time -- strange, what with his recent health scare in spain that required tracheotomy! james commented, "yeah, he sounds better than me!", but that was not true at all, just james being typically gracious toward a friend. he told me they've made shirts that read "flat-line phil" to commemorate PA's near-death. :D ... vince's girlfriend sharon, who organized the whole party, is a production manager for a shoe designer: how interesting to hear about her job! i brought up the movie "kinky boots" & she told me that her company actually is making the shoes for the upcoming broadway adaptation of the film, which i thought quite a coincidence! she had "backstage pass" lanyards made as party souvenirs as well as shirts reading "vince: est. 1962" for his many closest friends... food (& cookies!) was delicious, company friendly & happy, the bar overflowing, the day fun & joyful, w/only a few small exceptions...

a quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog

many moons ago when i worked for buck owens (as most people in bakersfield seem to have at one pt or another), my dept head & i had a typing race. she had a pretty cool musical office legacy, having worked prior to that for berry gordy at motown... tho she pasted me, even w/her long red talons, i clocked about 120 wpm that day; didn't play piano then, either (too drunk in those days); if i had, i mighta bested her, but oh well... i thought of this all just now after completing a poster because at BO productions, we did a lot of typing & typesetting, building posters & ads all the time, so it's fun to have the opportunity to do so now & then... i used to make all the DD posters, & now that i'm freed up musically, maybe i will again! here's my latest poster, from a great site robbie found called www.postermywalls.com ... using its extremely-user-friendly interface, i took only about 10-15 mins to make this. have fun with it! :D

"friend... good. woman... wife... friend. smoke... good." (sleep good. drink no good. not no more.)

(quotes from my favorite movie... well, w/some addenda...) today's been like something from a grimm's tale (just read a fascinating article about them! here's the link), tho minus the wanton violence & cruelty, of course -- being watchful, patient, wary, careful, caring for a loved one; then a mountain shower swooped in & covered the hills & swelled into the house w/elemental rainsmell & brisk wind; then slumber hit like an enchanted spell... this is about all the posting i can muster today. today is a good day, but i'm calling it over, tho it's only 430 pm. maybe a movie later, or mtg tonight, or 2nd wind will set in & roadtrip: we'll see what happens... meantime, here's some pix. (the alignment's off, so i numbered them.) this (1) is nearly the coolest thing i've ever seen. don't you wish you'd been there?!?! beautiful, momentous, etc!:

... these (2, 3) make me covet objects & want them & be an idolater, which i dislike, but aren't they COOL!?!?! at intervals, all must eat the pablum of society ("soylent green is people!") haha; i know that didn't make sense... oh well...

i so rarely eat there, but this (4) makes me want BK fast food:

this bust (5) is my idea of manliness; the neck & jaw & brow & ears & set of head resemble the most impressive human i know, tho the monster's older & w/o the hundred different beguiling, scary, sweet, tough, mad, joyous, silly, lascivious, crafty, so-so-alive expressions:

... and this (6) is darling, in my opinion, the ideal, in fact. :)

hope you are having a lovely day/eve, friend.

we of the craft are all crazy. (lord byron)

here again comes the black dog. not a sweet black dog, like gusgus, but the sad & scary & smothering one that churchill named, the one that makes all light & life seem to seep away... (insert sentiments about need for dark to see bright, yin-yang, universal balance, the deserted lonely chasms leading to lovely, fruitful pastures, etc...) least this time i'm not alone in facing it, symptom of creative temperament, the eros-thanatos impulse, self-centeredness, bad chemicals, some combination, whatever. blablablablabla. i do know now, in the middle yrs of this short life, that like all storms, this'll pass: my job's to weather it, & keep moving forward...

hang in there, & i will, too.

blablablablablablablablabla

(fragment alert: grammarians have been forewarned...) i want to write but am suffused w/laziness. the sky is moist & fecund w/promise of rainstorm. it's weather for contemplation if i'm lucky, but more likely sloth, if i don't marshall my efforts & get moving. there's lots to attend to these days, good important things. so gonna spring up here in a moment & exercise. that always gets my blood & brain in action. so grateful i love to exercise so much. after too many days w/o it, just don't feel right. start getting cranky, doom portending, yes, like something's truly wrong. it's not: i just need exercise... just found some new exercise channels on the roku box (free tv, once the box is purchased, tho not real time, & not the thing for regular tv-watchers), so now i have a plethora from which to choose... met a nice woman the other day, from an extraordinary family of unusual & exceptional people (positive to extremely negative) who not just was a teacher, principal, then started her own school before studying law then turning to the financial sector: now she's starting health retreats. i wanna go to one! rise w/the sun, do yoga, eat clean, do more exercise, go for a hike, more clean food... sounds wonderful! it's interesting to be affiliated w/such a high-functioning group of people, what w/my somewhat discouraged view of americans being zombified/rendered slaves by tv, internet, corporate consumerism, poisoned water/soil/air, & bad bad food... (yeesh, that DOES sound pretty bad, doesn't it???) well, that's enough rambling for now. time to go lift some weights! yay! hope your day brings positive activity &/or rest/revelation. :)

my rights end where your nose begins: on the illusion of control

trying to be compassionate & kind, since we were raised that way & it just feels better. but the other day i wanted to bust a chair over someone's head. i try to regain control of my emotions; i put on heavy makeup. facial armor of sorts. it makes me feel more ok in a pinch, even if some folks want to judge & deem it bizarre... like ultimately i care... i know who i am: do you?

"selfishness, self-centeredness: that we believe is the root of our troubles... we step on the toes of others & they retaliate, seemingly without provocation"... how many times in my life have i tried to control other people, places, things, then been angry when life didn't go my way? i've heard it compared to being a flea on a piece of driftwood, sailing down a river. the flea starts thinking she's in control. she even gets a little sailor's cap, steering wheel, etc. but the flea does not control the current. and none of us can control one another, except perhaps thru coercion... but then anyone who's read much knows that those who've really, truly experienced suffering, who are forced to the limits of human endurance, will interpret themselves still to have freedom in their minds... well, i'm blabbing now, but please, if you're reading this, especially if you purport to have sobriety as a friend of bill, look up & read the big book pp. 60-64.

"tell me how you keep the love w/in your heart from me..."

- we'll do that song, which i no longer relate to, which chris sprague said one time was his favorite of buddy holly's, as well as two others, at this terrific show, which has no cover... dusk devils will be on at 8:50 pm... it's gonna be great fun! the last "special" barndance we played was packed to the walls... in addition to my best friend, my "old pal" manuel'll be there, as well as other talented artists/fans. i'm so excited! haven't seen "big manny" since i auditioned to play bass for him, then promptly dropped the ball & stopped practicing... am grateful to be getting organized again, involved in a new music project that promises to be quite exciting & fulfilling, the most ever, cause my musical partner & i absolutely are on the same page as far as interests & passions... i've gotten to play w/many, many interesting, often talented folks, but've never experienced total musical connection in a project i've been involved in: it's astonishing, when i think of it. i want to pinch myself. i never thought this could happen. - yes, we're both stone-cold roots purists, tho my partner's much more seasoned in the biz & as a musician than am i. we've discussed how we both feel not just alarmed or angry, but sick when asked to play out of genre (or forced to listen to it); feel a duty to carry forth the american music of the past; can't & won't play anything else. it's a matter of respect... to adulterate what the originals did by "adding to it" (defiling it) w/other more recent (diluted, commercialized, bastardized) forms just won't do. - to focus on the happy, thrilling mission of this latest band, i departed karling & the atomics last week. as w/becky's band, which i quit in  may, part of me knows K&A is fine, probably even happier, w/o me & moreover, that i'm not what they want/need... finally, my musical partner says he will handle the business pt so we'll not just play music we love love love, but will get money fair & square doing it. - all's good, better, & amazing from now on. - here's wishing everyone the best!

calm & grief & renaissance

it's quiet up here right now. i love the morning sounds. and the evening sounds, for that matter... windchimes tinkling, cars swishing by on the road below, wind in trees, bird song, the humorous echoing waves of rooster crowing & goat bleating... the air is fresh & cool, so different from hot, smoggy bakersfield, where i lived til 2.25 yrs ago... am reflecting on change, for life right now's in tremendous flux. unlike this one, which is a bit scary, but mostly exciting & vivifying, the last major upheaval, when i left my husband of 12 yrs, was quite sad & stressful, tho necessary. i've lately been trying to recall the stages of grief, for every one of us goes thru them, whether the loss be of job, loved one, or something else. if i know what to expect, i can foresee an end, & after it, a new life. - happily, i just found a model that adds the recovery stages of grief. i like that, for it reminds me that hard times undergone & walked thru can result in the next stage of improvement, clarity, more personal development... The 7 Stages of Grief - hope if you're undergoing the stress of grief that this link offers you some comfort. we all have to endure grief in life. as i've seen written, "fall down 7 times, stand up 8." things will be better for us all; i just know it. (ps - this is fun: Animal Sound Verbs)

numinosity, sublimity, surfing fun & brain fodder!

sometimes facebook can bear real gems. to wit: the term seems to give name to what i experience a lot in my life, as well as a paragraph in the big book from the chapter "we agnostics" that argues to convince the agnostic he/she all along has been a worshiper... the word led me to a fun new website: www.wordnik.com ... that led to THIS fascinating piece! so packed with ideas! i do not like his casual use of a certain ugly racial epithet, which throws a violent tone into the discussion, but i love the conversational, otherwise friendly tone & all that can be learned & contemplated from this... wow... WOW! Alan Watts: The World as Emptiness... this then got me thinking about one of my profs when i was going to school up in san francisco; a poe scholar, he got on a kick talking about "the uncanny," which thru my memory of his explanation sounded almost the opposite of what's described above. that led me to this link. could further exploration of freud's understanding of "the uncanny" be a good report, project, thesis topic? Freud's Concept of "The Uncanny" maybe for you -- not for me. except for his ideas about how bad civilization effs a soul up, most of freud's ideas that i've read i've thought to be absolutely hideous!!

the woman of 100 faces... sticks & stones

i know the man of 1000 faces. i have about 100, maybe, as you can see here ... yes, mood & makeup certainly can alter one's appearance dramatically... i heard the other day someone who doesn't much like me (can't much blame her) said i'm fat. my texas cousin, who's been big since age 5, was told to tell kids who made fun of her, "i might be fat, but you're ugly, & i can lose weight, but you'll always be ugly." i grew up being called "fatso" & "ugly" & "you're not chicana/you're not white" at school; kids can be so cruel, a sad fact corroborated by the many interventions i had to make to stop verbal bullying when i was teaching... but by my definition, ugly insides are far worse than ugly outsides... yes, i've always thought those who judge big people, overweight people, backward people, the "unbeautiful," the disenfranchised, etc., to be mean, stupid, shallow, even in some cases evil (not that my critic is in that camp). one side of my family is in general obese, but i've had other family members/people i've known who've seemed to think it an affront to be fat, but ok to be greedy & gossipy & materialistic... i don't hang w/these humans... to heck w/that crap. yes, what truly counts is a person's character. - you think i'm fat? well, yes, i've struggled w/weight since i was a little kid. it was the beginning of addictions: stuffing my face to stuff feelings. only time i was thin was when i had bad chemical & ED habits. dad warned me, "men don't like skinny girls, jenny!" despite his warning, i'm certain i'll always struggle w/body image/weight -- but not like i used to, for these days i know i'm decent, loyal, kind, funny, sweet, dependable, even thought to be talented, attractive, & beautiful inside & out by many, etc etc. i was fortunate to be raised by a wonderful family & to be loved by scores & scores & scores, & more importantly, to love them back... on top of that, an incredibly talented, brave, iconoclastic, handsome, one-of-a-kind fellow i know says i'm the most gorgeous thing he's ever seen, built "like a woman should be." more importantly than all of this, tho, i know who i am, & i like me. what others say is a reflection on them & their life-state, not on me. be well, be happy, be helpful, be productive, be grateful, & remember: sticks & stones.

presto! magic, strangeness, alienation, life, ambiguity, mistakes, growth, forgiveness, change

- oh, i feel a blablabla coming on... re this poster, a friend said a better adjective might be "imaginative" or "creative," but i think "strange" is good-enough, the word not holding much negative connotation, in my mind... having grown up thinking i was so different, oddball, whacked -- but basically just your garden-variety neurotic & disaffected egomaniac w/inferiority complex -- i like this poster for its helpful spirit... not all "weirdos" are isolated or disgruntled or, at worst, aberrant... some eccentrics are the best kind of folks, making the world a better place cause, just in being themselves, they stretch constructed limitations & invite others to be themselves, too, perhaps be critical thinkers, be as "strange" (creative, imaginative) as they want w/o fearing they are somehow bad in so doing. there's room for all! i wish i'd learned this when i was young & felt alone & somewhat like a freak & loser & crazy person... my sense of alienation & of being inherently wrong swelled hugely, simply cause i lacked positive, productive, accepting "strange" role models & friends! - anyways, blablablablabla... etc... - and, heck, so much for texas... too far, not enough days... still gonna go, tho, maybe next month! - instead i got to do a bunch of cool things, including go to an awesome magic shop, an historical place where the 80-year old owner created many, many of the tricks, displayed in handwritten boxes on shelves stretching to the ceiling, old general store-style. the elderly magician, quite famous, is healing in the hospital, so another fellow, friendly & burly, demonstrated tricks on a black mat stretched across the store countertop, his hands & voice smooth & patient. the shop was pure nostalgia, rcalling for me so much from my nerd childhood-adolescence: comic books, snapping gum, cockroach gum (heck, i didn't check before buying, but hope the stupid roach gum doesn't read like those below... that would be embarrassing!), black soap, disappearing ink, fake poop & barf, magic kits, hats & masks, ventriloquist dummies, even fortune teller fish!, on up to gigantic tricks like a sturdy box enabling the illusion of knives-thru-head... once you agree to purchase a trick, you get demonstration of the secret solution, each one immediately seeming self-evident the millisecond it's unveiled... doh! ingeniously simple in each case... but solvable beforehand? no way -- my divergent thinking skills apparently have dulled a lot, only two years removed from teaching... - the overall theme of the last many days, i believe, aside from really considering & acting upon the concepts of "loyalty" & "love," is "things are not always what they appear to be"... i know when young, i thought the world was black & white, good & bad, but the older i get, the more shades i see... & the more i know what i think i know is just not the case, must step back & reconsider situations i'm certain i've in-a-snap read.... i'm wrong a lot. i make tons of mistakes. but grow? move forward? accept change? be patient, be less conditional, be more loving, less manipulative, and, especially, forgive? try to see both sides? must do so. must, no matter what. otherwise, got no peace. got no happiness. am back to having an existence rather than life. yecch!! - anyways, at the store i purchased a bagful of magic booty, some to display in the house here, just cause it's fun to look at, some to pull on my little cousins. i know the tricks'll confound & delight them. can't wait. :) - more later, maybe... now to settle down w/"the big book of weirdos," another awesome gift from my awesome friend who seems to always know just what i love!... hope besides adequate food & shelter, you have something good to read & a nice brightly-lit place in which to read it...

we're gonna rocknroll tonight! & lone star bound!

whee! life continues, in spite of us. at bottom're pix from the show the other night; they ran in the SCV paper. tho i look homely in a few, people seemed to like them, so here they are! tonight's show at sue's here on the mtn should be lots of fun. i'm gonna start the show w/a mini-set of originals, then we'll play all night. then bright & early, i'm lone star-bound! whoopee! -- or rather, yeehaw! can't wait to road trip. i've been doing a buttload of commuting, living up here on the mtn w/all friends & loved ones being elsewhere (save my little tues night women's group),

but haven't had a big road trip in a while... gotta get back by next wkend for karling show/music festival over by donna's house, so it'll be an adrenaline-filled week. more later...

duskdevilsduskdevilsduskdevilsduskdevilsduskdevils

we had the best show ever last night! i love this pic from brian p, which well-conveys the friendliness & magical energy of the eve. yes, geez, what happy happy energy abounded... thank you, dusk devils, & karling for the opportunity. :) to watch the babies, kids, teens, & people in general pack the outside dance floor, moved uncontrollably & joyfully by our rhythms, while looking upon beautiful lights & a crowd of 100s... wow! the sound was good, too. i realized, whatever happens w/my band, we need merch! people wanted recordings... & what we do is good, happy, positive, super-rockin... even in this ultra-saturated-w/crap society, another DD recording SHOULD be made. we are good enough to add positively to the effluvia of american culture... DDs should be remembered, at least a bit, by those who appreciate us. and appreciate us fervently, they seem to, the ones who do, so served they should be w/an audio chronicle of what we do. what a lovely deal... thanks to all.

tonight, tonight, it all began tonight, i saw you and the world went away...

i'm so excited about going to stage plays again! i love stage plays! & having adventures! being spontaneous, where schedules allow! being creative again! making stuff rather than sitting around thinking about stuff! being in positive action, in spite of personal & worldly challenges... being a survivor! :) already i've become a "song writing machine," i was told... yesterday i wrote two... what a heavenly feeling it is, to be in the midst of music, to have it pour forth, especially in those moments when it comes out just right. yes, heaven! & what a miracle to take life experiences, lumps, joys, questions, in fact, any emotion, & translate it into music... yesterday i translated a discomfort into a two minute ruth brown-kinda tune that not only helped me reconcile my feelings, but helped my dear friend, too... i've written songs before & had people comment, "that's exactly how i felt. i felt better after listening to your song." i will never be rich & famous w/this, but these small blessings give me amazing wealth, when i contemplate them. :) thank you! right now i want to make a video, but i have to get ready for the show. robbie, DD bass player, who's spent his whole life on the mtn or in sta clarita, where this eve's show is, sez tonight'll be a hopping street fair-car show-music event-farmers market. whee!! it's right in downtown newhall: off the 5, take lyons exit east, all the way to where it deadends. that's downtown. stars on the sidewalk are dedicated to western movie actors... one of the neatest meeting halls around is right there, called the rafters. after we play, i'm looking fwd to hitting the 10 pm mtg... oh, how lucky i am to have this affiliation that keeps me grounded & grateful! yes, tonight i potentially could spin away into ecstasy, silliness, mania, for anything resembling a fair is pure bliss for me! so it'll be nice to end the eve in a centering setting... ) i like tonight's lineup. karling'll do part of the set w/us, since it originally was her gig, & we've played w/hard six before; michael "fuze" henry & wife deedee seem to be fun people, friendly & eccentric: my favorite type! i'm looking fwd to seeing them again... then robbie sez blue collar combo do "a lot of johnny burnette." that's a much much cooler choice for inspiration than many other genre bands i can think of... saturday, young rob sez it'll REALLY be hopping at sue's (flyers below): there'll be two birthdays, & the local word's out on the DDs... we are fun! :) robbie & i were so fortunate to jam the other night w/my favorite musician on earth... we all kept it high-energy & vernacular cause that's what we do. other than that, for me, is like death. yes, i realized last wk again, i can't nor will i play anything else. where music goes, & it goes everyplace w/me, like breath & smell & sight, i raised myself on roots, & without roots, like any green creature, i will die -- therefore, i can never let myself be uprooted if music projects turn away from what i know & live on... i just have to say thank you, & move on! ... & i'll never do any song w/which i can't relate, which doesn't feel truthful or sincere, even if it doesn't make sense to others (for instance, i do "riot in cell block no 9." i've never been in a women's prison. but do i relate to its silliness, energy, & the woman going nuts when the men show up? sure!). no, you'll never see this woman singing chicago blues, nor most any music post-1963, nor most any modern (post-63) ballad, nor most any genre that forgets the venerable 1-4-5! and unless it's a "monster movie" organ patch on a monstery song, no synthesizer -- ever!! yes, looking fwd to so much, including learning & playing more fantastic american music... ok, maybe see you in newhall, friend... we're gonna rocknroll tonight; everything's all right :)

preachy speaks: "let's move on, shall we?" :D .... time to fold...

& leave the table.
the game is over.
- game-playing's not worth it, anyways, i don't think, if all players aren't having a good time. i come from a teacher family, tho, so have that bias. just can't believe life's a battle; if i did, i'd have to jettison that metaphor, for who's got much chance at all of having much joy in this short life w/a siege-or-be-besieged mindframe??? true, much of human history recorded's been fight-based... yet the life force continues in spite of us. life -- & by extension, i think, love, is stronger than us! the games we all have learned, at least those based on control, competition & conquest, just don't work; the life force always victors, altho that i write this at all points to my own relative life of privilege... (argghh; let's move on...)
- brother, sister, most of the world's people don't even have sufficient drinking water, yet here you & i sit online, respectively reading & having written... we have the luxury, due to history, happenstance, geography, & much more folly &/or fortune, to ponder. so do you believe life has purpose? if so, what is it? can we ever know? or do you more believe we were put here randomly? more & more i think there's agency in each atom -- not that i'll ever know fully what i, discrete cluster of electrical impulses in water- & bacteria-based shell, am to be. an agnostic friend announced recently, "i'm one of god's soldiers!" with inspiring conviction... can't say i believe that of me (damned vacillation & self-doubt, marker of one who's read & thought too much, lived too little, perhaps), but i know i live much more peacefully & smoothly when i work, to paraphrase john wesley, to do all the good i can... we should learn & love & evolve. and ENJOY. and not be mired in guilt & shame, but set out to spread good cheer, hope, bravery amongst our fellow humans (tho never w/goal of "telling them how it's done" cause everything's relative...) & in so doing, experience TRUE joy, true happiness, true life. that's that. to not utilize our powers of love & connection is fundamentally wrong, if a soul knows this purpose. to settle for discontent & what-if & if-only-he/she-would-do-what-i-want & i'm-a-failure & this-is-all-we-deserve is no life... i used to stay in situations for years in which my hostage & i suffered & suffered - from arguing all the time to just living in lonely standoffs that felt worse than the worst fight...a soul shrivels in such settings. the human creature craves love & connection. less than that hurts everybody in proximity... there's no way one person can be unhappy in a relationship w/o the other being unhappy, too. no way. i'm not just talking romance, either. as john donne wrote, in a sentiment i totally didn't get when i was a teenager, "no man is an island"...
- anyways, today's been so wonderful already, & it's only afternoon. if you're reading this & yours's been anything less, i hope that you will find bliss in today, maybe making major changes, if needed, to be on the road to growth & good purpose & true happiness...
when it's time to jump, one must jump. that window of opportunity isn't always there! go out, fellow human, and be happy! live! we all gotta blow this pop stand soon enough...
love, preachy
(here's the john wesley quote)
“Do all the good you can,
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the people you can,
As long as ever you can.”

geez

- i forgot what i was gonna write about... oh well. here's a pic from the other night.

this is a really lovely young gal w/whom i got to hang out... late that night, all kinds of ugliness ensued, all i observed seeming to be due to drunkenness/being high/being young/being old/being stupid. felt really grateful to be sober (& old? spose so)... not better than anyone, just grateful. my life could be that ugly, but instead i get a chance to be better & get better & have love & life & even a modicum of dignity toward self & others... that ain't inherently me; that's grace or whatever: something good & larger than me, i think. for left to my baser ways, i'm a hapless, helpless, impulsive, compulsive, repulsive fool... each moment i'm not, that's cause to give thanks to a not-personified, in my opinion, yet intelligent universe of which you & i are but quarks... - well, i guess that's it for now. been cleaning & clearing stuff out of my overstuffed "watts tower" house, making room... it's been a productive day, & this week'll bring two shows (see flyers below), & even bigger than that, the beginning of changes!... i gotta lotta work to do. am quite excited about being ushered kindly back into the stream of life. even w/music, i've been rather a bum, a wayward balloon, lost w/o rudder these past 2-3 years... talk of many upcoming artistic projects & partnerships is making me realize i'm being revived & am becoming enabled to resume using my creative brain. wow! anyways, i better stop before i start blabbing even more, like i do. this change is inspiring, scary, beautiful, challenging, thrilling, but even if it feels like crap in the moment, change must ultimately be good, being life's only inevitable. i'm grateful... hope you are, too. mucho amor y amistad...

taste with caution... judge like a king & choose the purest

God has given us a dark wine so potent that,
drinking it, we leave the two worlds.
God has put into the form of hashish a power
to deliver the taster from self-consciousness.
God has made sleep so
that it erases every thought.
God made Majnun love Layla so much that
just her dog would cause confusion in him.
There are thousands of wines
that can take over our minds.
Don't think all ecstasies
are the same!
Jesus was lost in his love for God.
His donkey was drunk with barley.
Drink from the presence of saints,
not from those other jars.
Every object, every being,
is a jar full of delight.
Be a connoisseur,
and taste with caution.
Any wine will get you high.
Judge like a king, and choose the purest,
the ones unadulterated with fear,
or some urgency about "what's needed."
Drink the wine that moves you
as a camel moves when it's been untied,
and is just ambling about.
Mathnawi IV, 2683-96
The Essential Rumi, Coleman Barks

thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you,

mom and dad...
- how generous are they? how kind? my bd gift from them: a new piano/keyboard... i am bowled over with gratitude & happiness. it's a korg sp-250, not a top-of-the-line model, & kind of homely-looking, compared to some of the sleek, even flashy stage pianos out there, but heck, it's more than enough for me. it replaces my 8-or-9-yr old korg sp-200; i have busted two keys in the left hand register, so w/more sure to perish, i can now retire the old beast before she becomes too, too decrepit.
- thank you, old beast. you've served me well, & we traveled many many miles together.
- i deeply love my new piano/keyboard, maybe more than a person should an object, so caution's in order. the piano, after all, was my first real true friend, so this is a relationship that goes way back. don't know how the korg people with this model so-well electronically mimicked the resonance of a real piano. every electric keyboard has piano patches, of course, but this one is quite outstanding compared to my others; it has a richness, fullness i've not heard in any electric keyboard i've allowed myself to even consider having... what a pleasure! yes, one can really luxuriate in the sp-250's authentic tones... nothing, of course, can compare to a real piano, an instrument of great soul & humanity, but the sound of my new korg is more pleasing than the other keyboards i have. (and all i care about's the piano sounds... other effects are confusing & seem superfluous...)
- this is crazy: at this point, i have four keyboards: two yamahas, two korgs! thank you, thank you, japan. yes, a small family has developed. i shall call them "the 88s"... tho i spose my smaller yamaha only has 61...
- well, better get to bed so i can play some more tomorrow. much beloved & life-giving music to you, dear person reading this, truly truly truly truly truly whoever you may be. :)

vee heff flyers...

this coming weekend, brian p & i'll play with the atomics, backing karling abbeygate, at a really huge event near our friend candye kane's landing pad. here's more info... SoCal Rockabilly Fest ... the other shows displayed here should, too, be a hoot! the thursday event, "the dusk devils featuring karling abbeygate" (she'll start the set with us) is put on by the city of sta clarita & is on the same block as the vu, where we played a very fun rockabilly fest that also featured hard six & inazuma... the latter is our second appearance at sue's tavern right in frazier park, & if it's half the fun the last one was, well, bar the doors, katy!!! it's gonna be such a blast!!!