aaaaaahhh... calm....

- it always returns, like a breeze, like a miracle... as many of you know, moods like sea change are a trial, but invariably, waters smooth again & feel like glistening moonlight & gentle lap-lap-lapping both cozy & stretching forever, oh, what love & compassion & kindness & patience & happiness we get to feel in those moments, right? i hope that you do...
- the below poem, quite important to me, hangs in my house. a dear friend was visiting recently & on a whim, i just knew he'd "get" it, REALLY get it...
"will you read it to me?" my friend said, so i did, & he exhaled, "wow. i got goosebumps..."
today i lunched w/other friends who dropped in unexpectedly, & what a happy surprise it was to see them, married nearly 30 yrs, immersed & freed for life as artists, about to move north to start their next chapter together, best friends, fiercely loyal, aware how lucky they are to have one another, & never taking their loved ones for granted, even ones like me whom they don't see much... well, to know people like this, ones who effortlessly understand, empathize, "get it," w/whom words can be superfluous bc we seem to have an emotional language, even when separated for long periods of time... i so love having these beautiful souls in my life.
- they didn't see it, but i suspect these friends, too, might get the below poem, also... what do you think about it? do you relate? does it help? i hope so.
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond. (rumi, coleman barks translation)

cursed serotonin-deficient brain strikes again...

unfortunately, my thoughts are turning in this direction, so i'm writing about it cause i can feel it in me like a cold coming on & maybe if i write, i'll be able to better ward it off, like taking mega vitamin c would help a cold. if i were the hulk, i'd blast out huge & green & raging & wreaking havoc, then be ok... better to be the hulk than mister hyde, but nothing so dramatic as that happens; the world just goes blank, i go blank, an astronaut shot into space w/o a safety cord, like a dog i once saw get hit by a car, bounding & jumping & then bam, suddenly lifeless, spinning stiff as a board, helpless, a pet turned dead thing, what a horrible sight that was, & in this place, horrible pictures come right to the edge of thought & i hope they stay there & don't decide to manifest. one weird thing that happens is reality gets covered w/a darkening sheen, not like glass, but more like a soft dimness, a dirty plastic, maybe. for instance, i can tell that it's warm & golden & blue-skied out the window, but everything seems gray tho i clearly can see it is not, like maybe the colors are about to burn out. the birds are in the tree & still beautiful, but i can't feel them. the dogs are here, & i love them, but also i don't care.
a doctor would say certain neurochemicals are lacking or low. the program would say it's self-will run riot. a person i have known perhaps would say it's a case of my "untreated alcoholism." i don't wanna control things outside myself -- i know that's futile & aggravation & heartache... just seem rather cyclically to lose the will or ability to control my attitudes & responsibility for my own well-being. so i guess i'd vote that in my case, when bad brain combines w/fear-based ego, i start slipping toward the abyss. for me, it's nature and nurture both, i really believe.
what i know is, i've felt this so often in the past, since childhood!, & am still kicking, so as i sit here right now i know it'll pass.
gonna read what i wrote below about my new year.
this'll pass. for me & for you, if you ever get this way.