unfortunately, my thoughts are turning in this direction, so i'm writing about it cause i can feel it in me like a cold coming on & maybe if i write, i'll be able to better ward it off, like taking mega vitamin c would help a cold. if i were the hulk, i'd blast out huge & green & raging & wreaking havoc, then be ok... better to be the hulk than mister hyde, but nothing so dramatic as that happens; the world just goes blank, i go blank, an astronaut shot into space w/o a safety cord, like a dog i once saw get hit by a car, bounding & jumping & then bam, suddenly lifeless, spinning stiff as a board, helpless, a pet turned dead thing, what a horrible sight that was, & in this place, horrible pictures come right to the edge of thought & i hope they stay there & don't decide to manifest. one weird thing that happens is reality gets covered w/a darkening sheen, not like glass, but more like a soft dimness, a dirty plastic, maybe. for instance, i can tell that it's warm & golden & blue-skied out the window, but everything seems gray tho i clearly can see it is not, like maybe the colors are about to burn out. the birds are in the tree & still beautiful, but i can't feel them. the dogs are here, & i love them, but also i don't care.a doctor would say certain neurochemicals are lacking or low. the program would say it's self-will run riot. a person i have known perhaps would say it's a case of my "untreated alcoholism." i don't wanna control things outside myself -- i know that's futile & aggravation & heartache... just seem rather cyclically to lose the will or ability to control my attitudes & responsibility for my own well-being. so i guess i'd vote that in my case, when bad brain combines w/fear-based ego, i start slipping toward the abyss. for me, it's nature and nurture both, i really believe.
what i know is, i've felt this so often in the past, since childhood!, & am still kicking, so as i sit here right now i know it'll pass.
gonna read what i wrote below about my new year.
this'll pass. for me & for you, if you ever get this way.
