nostalgia: lol!

(from www.etymonline.com:

nostalgia (n.)

1770, "severe homesickness" (considered as a disease), Modern Latin (cf. French nostalgie, 1802), coined 1668 by Johannes Hofer, as a rendering of German heimweh, from Greek algos "pain, grief, distress" (see -algia) + nostos "homecoming," from PIE *nes- "to return safely home" (cf. Old Norse nest "food for a journey," Sanskrit nasate "approaches, joins," German genesen "to recover," Gothic ganisan "to heal," Old English genesen "to recover"). Transferred sense (the main modern one) of "wistful yearning for the past" first recorded 1920.)

("considered a disease"! well, if you grew up when i did, w/the era's cultural influences, perhaps that's true; the music of our parents' time, i think, was much less embarrassing, as a whole!) :D

- james posted this pic on our facebook page, so i'm posting it here... (sing peaches & herb song...) earlier tonight, i was driving & tuned in to art laboe & found myself singing along to "ladies' night" (kool & the gang -- had to look both artists up) & stopped singing & laughed out loud, realizing the song's nostalgic for me, even tho when the record came out, i didn't like it, was indifferent to it, or maybe even hated it! i texted james cause altho we both love american music best, being of the same vintage we have that shared almost-uncanny  familiarity/attraction to stuff far different, the pop culture stuff of our youth, a time long before internet, before music videos, even, when all kids seemed to hear the same radio music & watch the same tv shows & buy the same records & long for the same bell bottoms, the time of disco, then new wave (at which pt "video killed the radio star")... ... two young members of my family are learning piano, i'm so proud to say, so earlier, mama was digging around for sheet music to send little thomas in texas when she found my once-beloved sheet music for the early '80s tv show "hill street blues." "remember how you used to play this all the time?" she said, & in my amnesiac-kinda way, i didn't, so dutifully i went to the piano & started playing it & laughed out loud, the mundane, tinkly melody instantly familiar & so typical of inoffensive, uninteresting yet catchy, generic-sounding tv themes... (i belittle, yet composers w/knack for such melodies are sitting a lot fatter financially than i am, i think!) ... it was a song i once had thought SO COOL cause i was 11 or 12 or who-knows how old & i watched that tv show! how tastes change; how memory persists, triggered by the smallest to most blatant smell, sight, body sensation, comment, or melody... well, here's hoping madeline & thomas learn to love the piano like i have, & never turn away from it, as i did when i was actively drinking/etc, & find friendship, joy, challenge, catharsis, gratitude in it, as i have... that's enough for now.

wheeeeee!!!!

it's a good day! many positive events have happened or are afoot! praying that each time i clean my environs, i remember to ask that my mind be cleaned... that might sound religious: i know it's not! plus, it doesn't matter what others think: i know my motives. the weather's so nice; the stars at night are so brilliant; the air last night when i left the meeting smelled like leaves & mountains & the mysterious luminous life force; i have a good & hopeful feeling of affirmative growth & hope it's not just mania coming on!! i don't think so cause i was doing some seriously stinko writing earlier (step work -- bleghhghghg!!!) & yet right now i feel so happy. it's good to clean that crap out -- it's good to take inventory of one's own store or, as rumi called it, "guest house."
well, i'm gonna get back to cleaning & other work, & later, more yucky but necessary writing, then tonight, another meeting w/friends & later in the week, oh, i can't wait, i can't wait! :D :D :D  below is something super-fun to watch, if you've never seen it. this is one of the greatest movies in the world, in my opinion!
bye for now, fellow human!

out on the porch

gas food lodging buddha

this plan'd be perfect, if i had no bladder! i'm at a roadside mcdonald's on my laptop while james plays a night time birthday show in los angeles. i don't usually get mcdonald's, but it's a special occasion: it's saturday night!! when i order from here, i'm usually prudent, but tonight i went whole-hog: a burger w/cheese & bacon, big salty fries w/ketchup, big carbonated beverage. it went down great, savory, salty, tasty, but now... the bathroom calls, not to mention signals that a revolt could be impending in the factory of my digestive system... since i don't wanna disconnect all this stuff just to answer nature, i'll make this quick. don't you love roadside culture? when i or we are at the mountain pad & get a bit bored, all it takes for quick relief is to load up & drive 4 miles down to the interstate, where there's always a uniquely american travel-culture scene in action. i love golden hills & trees that stretch beneath a heaven of deep blue or night-black sky contrasted w/concrete, neon, truck stops, gas stations, asphalt, & hustle-bustle -- the families, the lonely vagabonds, the permanently itinerant, the disquieted rovers, the tired travelers, etc. etc. -- not to mention truckstop trinkets, junk food, coffee coffee coffee, gigantic parking lots, car lights swooshing like restless jewels along the freeway, tons & tons of vehicular steel & human cargo motoring beneath uncaring, quiet skies... i realized this evening, we used to live on the edge, & we still do: the edge used to mean constant danger from toxic chemicals, habits, & people; now it means we border three counties: kern, LA & ventura! i so much prefer it this way... :) today i drove out windy mountain roads with vistas of mountainsides & forests (some burned) to the pine mountain buddhist temple. i've been reading much lately on spirituality & ratcheting up my emotional equilibrium. it makes sense that if i've developed two positive lifelong habits (not drinking & playing piano), certainly achievable is adding a third -- mental wellness. realized recently, i'm tired of being a kook!! the creative part is great, but the rest of it? bleghhhhghhhhphhhghgh!!! at the temple i received meditation instruction from rev phoebe, a tall, slender monk of warm dutch accent & blazing eyes who used amusing metaphor memorably: a mantra can be used in the manner of a guardrail when driving a mountain road; the distracted mind must constantly be called back to meditation in the way that you would train your dog: "here, boy!" -- with patience & tenacity. both she & her fellow monk, sheikai, are 60sih, w/shaved heads & slender, tall frames cloaked in brown robes. they maintain the property's 45 acres between the two of them, "a skeleton crew," said phoebe. the grounds are clean, flat chaparral of golden & dusky greens surrounded by yawning mountainsides; walking paths are marked by meditation spots w/small & large statues of the buddha, each accompanied by flowers & stones. after my instruction was a zen ceremony which i found to be beautiful & bizarre; i then played w/the benji-ish temple dogs, yasper & della, before it was lunchtime, a vegetarian meal in the great room of one of the three houses. after that, we did dishes & then was dharma time w/rev sheikai; we discussed the "undivided self" & through our many expressed frets, he assured us that dedicated practice eventually would better-cement the reality in our minds that separation is illusion -- the key being that practice, again, like learning piano & not drinking a day at a time, can never stop in order to be successful. there can be no breaks, no vacations, no pauses, & in fact, the practice when made a steadfast habit can lead to a life much more worth living. yes! really grateful to've gotten to share the day w/the earnest & friendly monks and visitor laura, i also got that soto zen is probably a bit too formal for me. i'm pretty excited about these ideas, even w/the past controversy. after all, the "cult" i've been in for near-19 years has not just kept me alive, but has allowed me to have many times of happiness, joy, & freedom. also, i was moved to read about the WW2-era bravery of japanese buddhists makiguchi (who was martyred) & toda; accused of promoting "thought control," both stood by their ideals in the face of torture by the government. such brave people inspire me, don't they, you? well, better get going before my bladder explodes.:) corporate materialist culture instills desire & dissatisfaction, we all agreed during today's dharma talk. however, some elements of it can be downright useful, like, right now, the public toilet. namaste, fellow traveler...

"hope is the thing with feathers..."

- doh! current life for james & me is exciting, scary, lonely but not empty, & really good -- it's a time of huge positive change for better-than-ever health in all ways! i am hopeful & happy for him, & i know he is for me.
- this eve we went to dinner w/aunty rita & i was treated to an ahi salad, which she says uncle henry always used to order, so i got it in his honor. wow - it was so delicious! company was nice, too. so fortunate am i -- must never forget!
- the wind, which has been blowing like a banshee for three days now, finally stopped; i am learning a new mantra & practice as well as taking contrary action (positive instead of fearful/selfish!); i've been reunited w/many fellow trudgers whom i love: life feels wide-open, full of promise for improved wholeness, moral & physical integrity, a slipping away of fear in exchange for loving faith in the great ineffable that moves mountains -- not to mention anticipation of good times, music, creativity, good purpose, fun, & true appreciation, support, & love, not mere infatuation... here are some pix for now & may you be warm, safe, &, if not happy, at least healthy &/or wealthy in corpus, animus, et spiritus...

blablablablablablablabalbalbalblablablablablablablablablablablablbalaaaaaaaa

(james asked why i pulled this entry.; i thought it went on too, too long... but since he asked, here it is again!) - my friend jani & i caught up tonight finally; she's a really dear person. we can talk honestly, candidly about Life w/o being oblique; she understands & loves me, no matter what, as i do her. today in the local paper was my friend the professor, her kindly, shy face beaming out from an historical piece she'd written, the nice egghead: i hope to see her sometime this year... later i went running & a truck stopped ahead & a smiling woman bounded out w/arms outstretched: "JENNNY!!!" it was another friend whom i was just getting to know when i moved. we made a pact i'll call when around so we can go for a jog or hike... i love these ppl, courageous, friendly, smart, forgiving, w/gentle sense of humor, sometimes chiding, but never mean. how fortunate i am to have friends! on my own, i would be done for. - i'm the best jenny i've ever been. i blunder cause i'm human, but tho this time of life is difficult, i have no secrets to be ashamed of, no skeletons since i've gotten married, & that for me is a really big deal!... these days, i'd stack my moral fiber up to most anyone's. and such things as "moral fiber" are important to me, tho i've fallen short of my own ideals many, many times. i'm my harshest critic & don't enjoy living in hell on this earth. i've flubbed & fumbled plenty, but as i enter old age, it's slowing & i'm so grateful! anxiety, frustration & disappointment due to inability to control or foresee what will happen w/people, places, & things still plagues me, & i keep messing up due to selfish fear, but i can look in the mirror & know this human is getting better w/time... yes, in spite of it all, i have hope. i know my life ultimately is -- and at times, over the years has been -- on the road to happy destiny. my life is fortunate & purposeful, tho i will never have fame or status that ensures my name will live on past this life... that's ok. - this life is not a veil of tears; you & i weren't put here to suffer, tho, as you know, the buddhists say suffering is inevitable. they don't leave us hanging there, thank goodness: our human task is to overcome suffering thru right this & right that, therein achieving nirvana. so if we just behave ourselves, life will straighten out, right? :D - here's some positive stuff about me. i need to bolster myself! 1) i like most all people, tho like most, i've had mucho life trauma & drama. "fall down seven times, stand up eight." i believe in bravery, & tho sometimes i feel like a chicken, i know in my heart of hearts that ultimately i will do right. 2) i've been w/o alcohol or illicit drugs since july 4, 1995. 3) my eyes are hazel, but they sometimes are yellow or green. people have told me they are pretty. 4) i love playing the drums & experimenting w/ instruments. 5) my favorite music is what the alvin bros deemed "american music." 6) i love to exercise & run, tho i am not fast & never will be. 7) favorite books i try to carry w/me wherever i live are "meditations" (marcus aurelius), "earth poems from around the world," "folk remedies that work" & "archy & mehitabel" & "man in black." well, & the big book. 8) i've made mistakes being manipulative, needy, dishonest -- but since marrying, i've been a good wife & that has made me proud, to know i can be loyal. the next task is to get control over my words. 9) i have many acquaintances i like a lot as well as some dear friends. i have many loved ones. 10) i'm left-handed & only ambidextrous on the piano. i need to heal my injured right hand, but know that lots of practice will achieve that. 11) i've always known my own hobbies, interests, passions & been clear in what i like. that certitude pleases me; i'm no zelig! 12) i love to wander, travel, adventure around, especially to funky places where i don't spend much money. i've gotten to do a lot of it in my life so far. 13) tho i love people, i also love to be alone; in solitude, i regenerate. 14) we have the most lovely little ramshackle mountain house where we will live happily ever after in old age. 15) my favorite piano players are professor longhair, gene taylor, jimmy yancey, johnny johnson, piano red, & champion jack dupree. 16) i've written over 200 songs. 17) i'd like to be a voice actor; it's fun to imitate different voices to make people laugh or surprise or move them. 18) i keep my promises, tho i'm still a procrastinator. 19) i really love eccentric, smart, resourceful, creative ppl & am happy that not all brainy ppl are cold, selfish, sick, &/or downright damaged... tho many are, for some dismaying reason. 20) i'm especially glad for loved ones, for i'd be dead, were it not for my parents, donna, kristi, & my higher power! (gee, that last pt can ring hollow... but i must believe!! i must!!) 21) i'd be dead if i'd not stopped drinking; doc said i'd have wet brain by age 25. kept going til near-28, but i think my brain's just soggy. 21) used to have a photographic memory for numbers; not anymore! still, it's fun to reminisce about when i was really, really smart... 22) i can wear clothes i wore 20 yrs ago... but i won't cause i'm middle-aged & that'd be gross! 23) my favorite color is green. 24) my favorite magazines are runners' world & the new yorker. 25) my favorite dessert is frozen yogurt w/nuts & fruity pebbles. yum. 26) my favorite american cities are austin, memphis, new orleans & los angeles. 27) my favorite european cities are rome & paris. 28) racially, angie & i are juaneno/ajachemen "indian," mexican/south american, northern italian, & english & i think that's mostly quite cool. 29) i love nature & it's through nature, & that "something" that exists in meetings, that i feel the presence of god. 30) i had a journalism background, then chose the other then-low paying job: teaching. i was a teacher for 17 yrs. loved the kids, the union, our honorable family tradition of being dedicated educators (i'm the biggest slouch in the bunch). 31) i love dogs & animals in general, more & more the older i get. 32) in my 1st marriage, i had two lovable dogs whom i miss to this day so, so much. the house was beautiful & i was rich, but it was not right to stay married. 33) now i live in an apartment in north OC w/my 2nd husband & stepson. we cannot have pets, tho we have a visiting mouse that thinks it owns the kitchen. in the complex, 2/3 of our female neighbors also are named jenny & one of the dogs is named otis, which was james's dog of 17 years' name. these coincidences are cool! 34) in OC, i have become fond of the library; some of the wide-open streets, great gym classes, the wetlands, proximity to long beach, & kindly, brave, loving women in meetings. 35) i have 3.12 college degrees: BA, english; T.Ed; MA, Humanities, & (partial) Library Media Specialist credential. they ended our library jobs, so i dropped out of the program. today, i learn via reading & the website coursera.org 36) we live a long, long time in my family, which is good reason to do all i can these days to make sure my melon's chunked on straight! 37) i am quite strong, for a woman my age. 38) i still miss grandma mary, mr jackson, stacy, uncle henry & uncle danny, as well as many ppl still living, but i'm grateful to have known them at all. 39) one of my main heroes is saint damien of molokai. 40) i love caves, desert, prairie, wide open spaces, mountains. 41) i love listening to npr while i drive. 42) my parents have amazing minds & hearts & if i can ever be 1/5 the person they are, i will be shocked & amazed. 43) in my 1st band, i was the bass player. it got me playing music in public, so that was good. 44) people have assumed i was "goth" &/or into S&M, but i'm quite old-fashioned personally, really, & so's my husband, which is pt of why i love him so. 45) i was a terrible slob when a child/adolescent, but i'm very neat & tidy nowadays. 46) am 46 years old & looking fwd to 50. :)

"go, & never darken my towels again." - groucho

happy sunday! i read a great YAFIC book the other day; found it at the house while cleaning. my sister'd recommended it, i believe. can't stop thinking about the book! reminded me of when i was a teacher-librarian & we'd have our library meetings & these very well-read sort of intellectual women would comment that books written for young people are often superior to adult fiction: more vivid, direct storytelling, characterizations, adventure, moral lessons. the one i read's called "the house of the scorpion" by nancy farmer. i'm thinking when i volunteer at the library in OC each wk & i'm doing my sections, YAFIC & YAVL, i should be picking books out to read instead of just blasting thru the dewey decimals shelving & organizing at top-fuel nitro speed!... that ref reminds me of last night when james & i were driving to kern county & talking about evel knievel as well as a show we both used to love, "super dave." we laughed out loud recalling the mock-serious set-ups & stupid stunts on that show! that was in my heavy chemical-usage days, a generally despairing, negative time in my life, & that show was quite a happy highlight, i realized!... super dave actually was bob einstein, brother of albert einstein -- that is, albert brooks... when we return to the mountain house, i hope we'll finish watching "defending your life," an early-90s brooks comedy containing for me that appealing combo of world-weariness & hope/whimsy... that, of course, leads to my most-beloved exchange from "horse feathers" (1932): thelma todd: oh, professor, you're full of whimsy! groucho: can you tell from over there? i'm always that way after i eat radishes... if you didn't know this, my husband james, whiteboy james on stage, is a "crazy genius," my sister has declared, possessing naturally a brain on fire w/such verbal facility & word associations/gymnastics, i suddenly yesterday imagined him going toe-to-toe w/the great mister julius marx: what oral fireworks would ensue! what hilarity! what insanity! what fun! then i realized that groucho, known for his keen intellect, is another example of a learned & brilliant person w/no formal higher education (i'm constantly realizing things lately, i realize)... james talks often & fondly of his childhood friend mookie, whom he says was the king of "playing the dozens" (look that up, if you're interested), but mookie was killed long ago, in the riots, poor soul, so the closest i've seen to groucho-james, i think, was at thanksgiving when james & brother-in-law doug went on a wildly impromptu comedic tear: what merriment! what humor! what laughs we all had, just watching & listening to those two! dad, who's no mental slouch at all, commented, "watching those two, i felt like i should be wearing a dunce cap!" dad always has been known for his kindly humility; still, i know what he means... i was a gifted child/teen at one point, many millions of brain cells ago, & while i'm no dummy now, i do feel at times in awe of james's gift of gab & with words. i mean, wow! ok, heading out for a run now. to sum up, some words from groucho marx: - "i refuse to join any club that would have me for a member." - "outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. inside a dog, it's too dark to read." - "i find television very educating. every time somebody turns on the set, i go in the other room & read a book."

" suddenly you feel the great relief, accompanied by your compassionate witness..."

This blog entry is all messed up. I don't believe the universe is monkey wrenching with my blog; the problem is that I am trying to blog onto my little phone using a dictation app, and also that my little phone is approaching catastrophic failure. It will work fine, and then the next moment the screen will not respond, or it starts typing out random numbers when my ear is not even touching it. If I believed consistently in the supernatural, I suppose I could attribute it to that, but I think it's simply a case of cheap manufacturing and planned obsolescence in action. I wanted to post about a meditation CD I had forgotten about; I was in this get well soon kinda Happy Trails place about 3 years ago and every morning we'd go to yoga and meditation with this nice loving calm peaceful Irish lady who, yes, was an employee of the facility, but she really touched my heart because she seemed to truly care about all of us traumatized anxious balls of fear, sadness, stress, and general system malfunction. (Most of us had a lot of trouble staying put and remembering to breathe.) Anyways, as I was cleaning this evening, I found one of her CDs and put it in. What nice meditations. If you want to look her up, go to www.pashahogan.com. She often talked about treating oneself and others with "warmth and kindness," which is such a gentle and pretty sentiment, I leave you with it. Well, my finger and patience are tired from this cumbersome method of blogging, so goodbye for now and many blessings and learnings to you. "There are no mistakes -- only lessons." -Jani, my friend the sage

i am so disappointed.... whinewhinewhine blablablablablablablablabla

how disappointed?
i am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo disappointed. and dumbfounded. and confused. and offended. and nervous, whereas before i felt happy, even hopeful and content.
i also feel somewhat heartbroken. and angry, tho that's hard to admit.
this, too, shall pass.
the only constant is change.
tonight over dinner, aunty rita, on a different topic, summed it up (the topic had been someone who has been judgmental): "he oughta look in a mirror."
"let he who is without sin cast the first stone." that's sure true. and you're certainly casting a stone my way if you dug around for one to begin with. as my husband would say, "KNOW THAT."
so on to nice things: the house in the mountains is getting all cleaned up to make room for future permanent residence for two; i did hours of much-needed yardwork today (i love doing yardwork! the sun beamed down so beautifully! the air was so crisp, so fresh! somehow, the rosemary lives on!); skinny the cat showed up & was her old, friendly self, bumping & bustling about, more canine than feline, i think; i dropped belated, appreciated yuletide gifts to a happy friend bursting w/good news; i was greeted here at the family home & had that warm, christmas-carolish feeling i get sometimes when here, like there's never too much love or good cheer or warm-hearted generosity of spirit.. & now i'm swathed in borrowed bundlery (is that a word? who cares) in a loving household of which i'm lucky to be a part."you're a good egg," said brother-in-law doug (who'd certainly know cause he's one big ole good egg, for sure) over delicious mama-cooked-with-love dinner of enchiladas, chile relleno casserole, beans, rice, salad, "in a family of good eggs..."
yes, everyone in this family is welcomed to take part in the good eggery. better good than rotten. that just seems obvious, doesn't it?

i don't know what to write

i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write i don't know what to write
here are some pix from james's old camera instead:

arghh!! yayy!!

yesterday we missed being part of this year's elvis show, but finally got to visit max at the hospital.  thank you, art fein, for inviting us to be part... maybe next year, we hope! how encouraging it was to see max spring from bed, severely gaunt, "a skeleton trying to jump out of a man," as he said, but eyes bright & spirits high. he knows about the gerson cure (www.gerson.org) & has friends already who are having him juice, & if soul can restore health, max will be restored... then we ate at our favorite long beach restaurant & as we strolled back to the car in the night, i snapped this pic for max  from a beautiful window display; he'd said next time we visited to bring him a flower, so why wait? we looked at baubles in the window, i oohed & ached (i'm not very girly, but i DO love glittery things; donna used to crow, "kaw! kaw!"), we came back here & i recorded 2.5 songs i've written, until it was too late in the eve to be able to continue... later in the eve, we watched "the office" & i became obsessed, as i do periodically, w/RL stevenson's "open letter to rev. dr. hyde" (http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/281) & read it out loud at such length, poor james was driven outside for a while, i think, then this morn brought james to long conversation w/his long-time sober lawyer uncle, the one who was friends w/elvis (he actually has several family members who were friends with the king) & has called me "his cousin bettie page" (yes, she's a family cousin) & i made breakfast burritos & there i go, blablablaing again... a quote from stevenson's novella: “quiet minds cannot be perplexed or frightened but go on in fortune or misfortune at their own private pace, like a clock during a thunderstorm. ”  

we'll drink a cup of kindness yet for auld lang syne...

- this new year's eve carried an unprecedented barge of myriad emotion. someone whom many love was taken suddenly, seriously ill yesterday &, hospitalized, had to be replaced last-second. sadness pervaded the evening, & continues! a couple whom we love dearly reunited, but rome wasn't built in a day, & repairs & renovations, undergoing, take time. yes, at times like these, of sadness, confusion, tragedy, it's easy maybe, or old habit, to just check out. but we can't ever give up! never! think of the 1000 poems, metaphors, aphorisms that urge thusly: always keep trying, for who wants the alternative? not me! at least not right now! the grave certainly awaits us all… why court its cold comfort now?
- the elliots showed up last night, full of sober cheer, two happy peas in a pod.
me: how are you guys?
james e: not dead yet!
me: not pushing up daisies!
(we all laugh cause we all have known hell, especially james & james, i think, & none of us live there these days 'cept when those bad chemicals flood our brains or we choose to…)
- yes, the whole month of december, good riddance to you! as for january, this was the time of yr when we first met, at the elvis show in 2010, when james looked in my eyes & said, "do you feel it, too? is it just ME?" & something in my heart when ker-FLUNK! this also is the time of yr when we found each other again. i pronounce, declare, & fervently hope that this is the time of year when the sadness of winter can turn toward new promise. solstice has passed; we're heading now into a new light. what do you say? :D
- last night at eclectic & mysterious house of hayden, where james played for NY eve, i got to sit with marshall, the gentlemanly tough-guy & james's dear & devoted friend, & friendly, bubbly tessie, of whom james always delights, "she kissed eddie!" (his beloved & long-gone brother). i was so touched to receive a book, signed by tom shadyac, from beautiful bobbi, nicholas, donna, & rick. wow! such thoughtful kindness: thank you to you all! ... john b & i  laughed & yelled out swears of joy as james honked out thrilling & amazing, rip-roaring harmonica & singing; the whole while, his gal monique never missed a step in her smiling dance reverie, dressed to the 9s, an amazonian marilyn who is one part snoopy… we heard that a huge show with heavy cover nearby was pretty empty that night, so we were happy that house of hayden was pretty full to packed all night long! dave & jackie had to be pretty happy with the way the show turned out, & at midnight, the establishment graciously passed out champagne flutes to all (tho i didn't get to drink mine, oh well; i got to stay sober one more new year's!) & dropped a net of multicolored balloons & sparkly things at the stroke of 12. yes, dave hayden knows how to make a thing beautiful, for sure, with his keen artsy eye and attention to details…
- today has turned into a promising beginning for a new year: we have been ultra slugs with no worry of rushing off to do anything, jamesjr showed me his new ginormous television, we all had pizza, i've been reading my book, & that's about it except for posting this blog. here are some pix from last night; i'm going back to bed now to finish this one (better off by eric brende) before starting that one (life's operating manual by tom shadyac). :)

james's favorite pic of us from new year's eve (from billy f)

thank you, tessie, for capturing this moment!

a moment later, billy folsom took this one. his photos, on Facebook under the page called "dumb biker visions," are worth looking up!

is this real? does it matter?

- well, crap, the picture i really wish to display here won't upload! -- so here's a link to similar images: undulus asperatus ... they ARE real! amazing! check these out: even more seemingly-fantastic! undulating beautiful seemingly-fantastic but completely real cloud images
- today i finally got over to the MOLAA (museum of latin american art) in long beach, which has free admission on sundays. wow! what a great museum! (here's the website) on the walls surrounding the artwork were many whimsical, thought-provoking quotes about reality vs imagination/fantasy. that combined w/quotes i read today from rabindranath tagore have got my brain plonking a bit... at the dollar store yesterday, i bought a calendar that had a quote from tagore on cover. it seemed somewhat slangy/maybe anachronistic, so, thought i, hmmm: more internet bs mis-attribution, perhaps? then i read up on tagore a bit (thank you, wikipedia!) & learned he became known for bringing the colloquial to bengali poetry, & on www.etymonline.com that "terrific," the word that called me to question the quote's veracity, came into its current meaning around 1888, dead in the middle of tagore's writing career. all very interesting! here is some spiritually pleasing & lovely mental food from RT: quotes
- i'm trying to upload the museum pix to my laptop, & if i succeed, i'll plop some here. meantime, hope you enjoy the cloud images & tagore quotes.
- in more mundane news, today's events included two meetings, two restaurant meals, no exercise... implict in all of this is much love, i hope is apparent. happy almost-new year!

"i am not a saint, unless you think of a saint as a sinner who keeps on trying." -nelson mandela

it is a miracle that i am here tonight, where i sit. here, i was greeted in a kindly & comforting manner; it is bare, quiet & clean & there are strange sounds all around, but that i am here brings me hope because that i am here is an absolute miracle. i hope that as you read this, you bring to mind miracles in your life, in your history, your today, tonight, tomorrow, in your right this very second. for heaven's sake, we've all made it this far in life. we cannot give up now!!!!
here are some qualities i admire in two people i love very much, both wounded by & blessed by a powerful love. they are only human, so they make lots of mistakes, but they love each other a lot, i believe. whom do you love? maybe you will add their qualities to these lists. thank goodness for love.
1. brave
2. tenacious
3. big-hearted
4. intelligent/nimble-minded
5. funny
6. strong
7. handsome
8. talented
9. quick-minded/clever
10. kind
11. well-loved
12. generous
13. creative
14. artistic
these are not in any order.
... in the other:
1. forgiving
2. physically strong
3. tender-hearted
4. kindly
5. intelligent
6. adventurous
7. organized
8. pragmatic
9. generous
10. polite
i think they're both very loyal, too, in word & deed, even if in past they've made blunder after blunder. i know at least one of them is working hard at learning to be near-perfect, though that will never happen. even knowing that perfection's not attainable while in this human skin, i love this quote from kierkegaard: “god creates out of nothing. wonderful you say. yes, to be sure, but he does what is still more wonderful: he makes saints out of sinners.”

a pic i drew of my niece in 1999

i was climbing into bed in my old room at mom & dad's, looked over on a shelf, & saw this:

since i haven't seen it in a decade or more, i thought i'd keep a semblance of it, so snapped a pic of it & place it here to look at when i can... i drew it at the kitchen table w/a pack of crayons that madeline had been coloring with. it was from one of my favorite pix of her, gazing peacefully at grandma's christmas carousel... hope your holidays are progressing well. today brings return of husband to the central valley (he popped down to oc yesterday for 2nd christmas while i lolled around here trying to stave off the holiday eating binge/resultant pass-outs) as well as sister/brother, cousins & cousins & their families, & a favorite uncle & aunt whom i've not seen in years... they are worthwhile, jolly, smart ppl & mama will alchemize christmas prime rib into tacos & maybe, if we're lucky, chile verde to go w/pozole & tamales... ah, the holidays: the most wonderful time of the year! here's hoping if you don't agree, you'll gradually or in a flash have a transforming experience that allows them to be moreso for you. cheers!

MERRY ALMOST CHRISTMAS!!

may your days be merry & bright.
that is all! :D

"i'm free! free at last!!!"

 weird american-culture irony that hyde speaks those words as he is wrenched from jekyll in all his evil splendor by poison/potion, for in print, they bring to my mind the climax of dr king's most famous speech... this story & dickens' "christmas carol" as my two favorite novellas. that's just an interjection; what i want to write about is that before & after tonight's show w/big manny, whose heart, talent, & sense of humor are as gigantic as his frame, i've been thinking about this movie, this version, w/fredric march so handsome & imploringly good as jekyll, so easily, terrifyingly evil as hyde. the man is split by poison/potion, made bad (manifesting the either-or problem of the binary system; what if there had been a trinity here? jekyll, hyde, &… someone in the middle? i guess that could kill the horror somewhat, detracting from the two men's/alters' stark contrast)…  for some ppl, the poison is the cure. i know bc it used to be for me, & still would be, were i to imbibe tonight. many alcoholics drink to self-medicate, like i did, when i couldn't handle my thoughts, my feelings, my brain, my life, my totality. even when physically abstaining, a dry alcoholic may not be able to stand "life on life's terms" & can suffer mightily/cause mighty suffering in those who love him, inevitably (?) returning to the panacea/killer drink, finding instant  tho temporary ease & comfort in the bottle (or, for the addict, in poison ingested via various methods & through vein, nostril, mouth, or places more sordid). i struggle -- & always will, i think, as long as i get to live --  w/why humankind has need for intoxication; i have to tell myself it's the misplaced search for god & the innate human need for transcendence -- especially when the person next to me is holding a drink that, after 18.5 years, still elicits from me a drool. to think otherwise, like the origin of intoxication was just accident; that humans are hapless creatures doomed to touch it & die (spiritually/physically/somehow); that addiction & death via intoxication exist to "thin the herd," as james has said… i can't think that way. maybe it's realistic thinking, but it seems so bleak. what do you think? to live happily, i think, means remaining oblivious, to some degree… jeez, that's kinda depressing, too...
yes, can't safely touch it & i know that, but how nice it must be to have the release that booze brings to alcoholic people like me… instantaneously. how easy. the quick fix. but the cost for me would be too, too high, so i won't do it, tho i look lately at people drinking & have that moment almost of envy. then i have to remember my tools that can help me approach g.o.d. w/o poisoning myself. then maybe i use one or two. maybe. yes,  thank the good universe that i have learned, in spite of myself, methods to try to touch g.o.d. that don't involve me having to pump poison into myself. i'm not here forever, not in this form, anyhow. i could live to be a healthy old lady. you & i, we could have long & beautiful lives. we could become wise. we could share with our fellow sufferers & have great happiness & serenity. we could really live, not just exist. "granted that i must die, the question is this: how shall i live today?"

pictures

wacka wacka wacka wacka

last night we took the young man & his young woman to this japanese place where the pages like to eat… i like the warm, wooded, vernacular decor in there; it reminds me of this really cool place i used to go w/my brother-in-law paul (r.i.p.) in denver. the young woman is quite pleasant & vivacious, the meal-experience was generally agreeable, & afterward the father (my dear husband) & i talked for a long time in the parking lot about exciting news & plans & our lives & just this & that, b.s.ing & talking... james was lit up by the show thursday with manuel, & i was shocked & pleased to realize the classical i've been practicing for mama's christmas gift is freeing up my dumb right hand to play much better! james said, "manny is such a sweet guy. he's so  f***king soulful!! now i know why you love the guy so much!" and then, "he plays chuck berry just right. when you & him were playing together, it was like listening to chuck & johnnie [johnson] live, & even better!" james doesn't idly throw out compliments, so i was thrilled to hear this. i know the piano was "ringing like a bell" a lot at that show, & it just thrilled me to death to know that sound was coming from MY fingers! james just told me that sal, the extra guitar player, was smiling & smiling as james got up & did a few: "i've always wanted to play with you!" said sal. "i got to play with big manny AND you!" he was over the moon, as was i… james & i agreed, the people that night were unusually nice; it was a crowd of mensches (i wonder if there's a spanish equivalent word? simpaticos? queridos? hmmmm…)… anyways, we play again tomorrow, sunday, at liquid kitty, which is in santa monica right off the 10.  right now i'm coffeeing up so we can go play some music for wounded vets, then we head out to the inland empire for some holiday visiting & antiquing… may your december be merry & bright.

Sunday, Dec 22: Big Manny Band(featuring the Blazers' front man, Manuel Gonzales on guitar and vocals & Johnny Palmer on drums, these roots rockers from East LA play American roots music with a latin flair.)

tonight & sunday night!

sunday's show actually is at the liquid kitty, which i think i remember being in hollywood… happy holidays! :D thank you, bobbi, for telling me that tom shadyac would be at pepperdine university today. to those of you who don't know, he directed "I AM," the movie mentioned below… that's it for now.