dusk devils aug 09 shows

it's all too much

...but it'll pass. pat, the wisest woman in the world, in my reckoning, says "life is short, honey. do you want to spend it in pain?" no, i don't. she said a bunch of other stuff, too, about being a grownup & learning to say no & boundaries & listening to & heeding my gut, not just listening, then dismissing it. she says "mean what you say, say what you mean, & don't say it mean." she'd tell you herself she didn't invent that one.
-> impossible to think that one month ago was new orleans, the most beautiful place in the world... guess at this pt i'm counting the days til bd parties (1st for mama, cousin mitch, & i; then w/band & friends at my place)... was gonna leave this town this a.m., jump ship, but pat said no, you stay put. true, staying put, i can't run from feelings, responsibility, etc., & the squirming subsides, & i know life'll improve, but for now, it still feels like drowning & suffocating whenever i let my brain relax & think about It All. doesn't help it's 111 degrees. doesn't help i'm my own misery-making machine. however, i know awareness of a problem is the beginning of freedom from it. drop the rock. surrender to win. (but i really don't believe that win-lose dichotomy. i mean, we all go the same place in the end, just stardust, just skeletons.)
a few songs:
life is short. filled with stuff. don't know what for. ain't had enough.
you know i believe i'm gonna leave this town cause it hasn't brought me nothing but heartache and sorrow now, so i believe, oh i believe i'm gonna leave this town tomorrow.
maybe i'll jump ship anyhow, go see manuel, donna & kids, ruben (tho he'll prob be working), the barndance. doesn't matter anymore, i don't think. i guess i can do whatever i want, long as i don't hurt anyone (intentionally)... just gotta make it thru this summer alive... i know i'll get my smile back, & i hope a mature & happy heart, too.
stay sick, turn blue. dusk devils por vida. if you read this, amico mio, again remember: LIFE IS SHORT!

blablabla

(pic from www.andynoise.com, "home of kern county athletics") when i arrived at last night's run, paul anderson & friend made fun of my shorts: "are those leather?" "no, i think they're pleather," they said. he decided they fit my "rock star image." i told him they were from the texas thrift store. that's the name of the place - off the 35 in north austin! it's almost like a college used book store - i got a bunch of great titles, & could've gotten more if i'd had more rm in my suitcase.
last night's run was difficult (over 100 again), but great. the feeling after running is absolutely exhilarating. today is band practice, & i can't wait. i'm hoping to have myself a bd party - invite friends, family, musicians who like the stuff i like; we'll see. meanwhile, have been housesitting for my folks & am taking the dog boys back to their dad. it's been nice to hang out w/them. they live in the moment & love unconditionally. as angie sister says, "dogs are proof of god." booyah.
-p.s. - this gal is awesome: www.youtube.com/user/ivoryticklermama

life goes on without me

- to quote louis prima, my future ex-husband in my next life... the consequent lyric in that wonderful tune doesn't apply much to me cause tho i sometimes have that feeling that "i ain't got nobody, nobody cares for me," i know it's just the shyster between my ears letting itself be heard like it sometimes does, the bugger.
- this summer's felt in a way like crunch time thru & thru: 1st moving, w/all the accompanying strife & slipping out of town semi-frequently to try to avoid heartache; then the extra work week; then the hoop-jumping teacher class; then the trip of a lifetime; then my sobriety bd (friends! cake! love! thank you, dear jani, dan m, sally c, & all others who wished me well!); then trying to pass my library class (put in an 11-hour work day to finish the final assignment the other day) while cousin & brood & all these family members visited; then band practices; then uncle henry's funeral w/full military honors (b showed up, sincere & responsible, because uncle henry was his friend, & w/water for the old people, & tho i was grateful he was there, it made it much sadder)... only now, after today's gig, do i feel like i can start relaxing, tho tomorrow i take my cousin to the airport up north.
but today's gig! what fun! drummer jim hit most spots right, & he's developed the "push" i like to hear, the oomph, the torque (as brian p used to say) a good song needs. philbert & mark were duded up, friendly, funny, & played really great! as we were trying to get the sound dialed in, we bantered w/each other like we do & the girl announcer said, "yes, ladies & gentlemen, you probably didn't know the dusk devils are a comedy act, too..." we started the 1st song & the piano glopped from the monitors like pure mud, like the bottom of a bathtub, only discernible when i moved above middle C. still, i could hear my vocals & the others, so as is so often the case, pushed on thru! dedicated one to uncle henry, kids danced, people clapped & cheered (& left their relay laps to sit down & listen!)... overall, i think this was the best relay for life gig i've gotten to do. not bad!... afterward, we all drove back to bako, the dusk devils comedy show, til mark started nodding off. then we got fish & chips at the bowling alley & came back to my house to unload & watch pt of faster pussycat kill! kill! while waiting for mark's 2nd gig that night. when we found out it was cancelled, everyone went home & now here i sit, feeling thankful to get to play music w/such swell friends. i feel pretty calm & happy, not wired & weird, like sometimes happens, so believe it'll be mimis time here shortly. life is good, in my clean little house w/my new yamaha clavinova peeking at me from the living rm. (know will have to go play it for a while before turning in.).
besides scoring that great piano (from salvation army! 250 bucks!!), the most exciting music event for me recently was seeing the preservation hall jazz band in fresno. mom & dad took me for my birthday & w/the 1st notes, tears jumped from my eyes & my throat swelled w/happiness: if you've been there, instantly you were transported back to the big easy, filled w/such a longing to be there again RIGHT NOW, but that would mean missing the romance of that lovely music, the loose dixieland bluesy-woozy feel, the exquisite camaraderie & friendly repartee, the warmth & generosity the band radiated to the audience... i bought every bit of swag they had & then at the end of the 2nd act, they did 2 amazing things: one was a 2nd-line around the tower theatre's perimeter, band leading audience, on "when the sts go marching in;" then a finale in which the band caravanned up the aisles & out the door, playing the whole way the rhumba-clave "el manicero," & drew the audience out to the foyer where all grouped around as the musicians continued playing out on the street, just like they would in nola, & then they concluded & the audience cheered in the happiest union of audience/performers i've seen in some time. all the way home, dad, mom, & i yakked a mile a minute, so swelled up w/love & music & gratitude to have been together to see such a great new orleans institution... if you get any chance to go, don't miss the preservation hall jazz band!!! http://www.preservationhall.com/ choko mo feel no hey, and bonne nuit, baby!!

what a lovely way to burn

some things i've learned: don't go running when you've just eaten. be on time for the race. don't run if it's over 100 degrees. the above picture shows me having violated all of these, & tho i look about to keel, i must say i had a cool shirt on! :)
yes, despite it all, yesterday's run was fun!!! go to to www.andynoise.com for pictures & more info.
we're practicing in 1/2 hr! i'm so excited! ... even tho the little house is a hotbox. we're gonna rock!

uncle henry, rest in peace

since am in new orleans, was able to light a candle for him at st louis cathedral & also take the ferry across the mississippi to algiers, LA. uncle henry was raised in the church & also was a life-long sailor with that deep love of the sea in his heart. am normally water-averse, but gliding across the big, scary, looming depths, gazing out on the watery expanse & feeling the cooling spray, let me contemplate him & his love more deeply & wish his soul eternal peace.
we will never, never forget him.

that's why i'm walkin to new orleans...

this is it. the trip of my lifetime starts tomorrow. i will go to the following places: san antonio, lake charles, new orleans, austin, & (near) fort worth. the band will continue on while i'm away. i am happy & nervous, sad & excited. have waited so very long to see the crescent city. it's finally gonna happen.
today's gig was ok, nice weather, ok sound, ok set, but afterwards phil & i walked around the fairgrounds & looked at all the swag & then went & had dewar's & he got ice cream & hot fudge for his family & dropped me off & now i'm gonna say goodbye to my family, & all in all, this has been a good day. am thankful for the opportunities for life experiences. wishing anyone reading this the best...

the latest, not the greatest, not depravest nor the ravest

-rip to al h, who was sponsor & mentor to so many men around here... brian faithfully read to him weekly, & jani cared for al & his wife, too. b & j & everyone like them are very special & great people for their spirit of service; they always show up, always help others. al will be dearly missed by all who knew him.
- we're playing saturday at the thunder run at the fairgrounds. we go on at 1145, but might bump up to 1130. don't know if there's entrance fee. if you ride a murdersickle or just like them, you might go on over & check it out.
- after us is mud wrestling. and there ya go.
-spent wkend w/my dear friend donna, the most resourceful woman in the world, for her lovely kids' graduations. we walked around claremont & i got a count basie cd for $3. she scored me near-free furniture cause she knows how to do that kinda thing. we watched little miss sunshine (levon considers me the movie guru, sez his mom). drove to chino to some breakfast place that had the biggest pancakes i'd ever seen in my whole life. the gargantuan portions made the old friendly cafe in oildale look kinda wimpy. amazing. jogged to a 645 am mtg @ the triangle club. got back & was coming out of the john & there was ruben, all slicked up like for a gig. we played beatles songs w/lovely daughter laurel. more bargains w/donna, then i hit the road. the mountains were beautiful & if this is global warming, well brother, i guess that's that. it's super gorgeous here, & how amazing. it should be 200 degrees.
- art fein says he'd like to produce our next recording. he even said something about the blasters, but i couldn't hear cause my head's too screwed on crooked these days. friends continue to send nice emails; gene taylor & memphis mike even sent songs.
- deke dickerson sez if i show up at fats domino's door, he might sign my record on account of my appearance. not sure what i think of that, but if i get a signature, i gotta get one for deke, too, who says he's waited outside fats's house 10x & never got a john hancock. that would be some score, all right.
- we practice at the mini house & the neighbors still haven't called the cops. something nice happens each time, like yesterday all the cats (aka the little crap machines) came out & laid on the pavement to dig the vibrations. when we were done, the breeze outside refreshed & the cool sky stretched & billowed. we have big skies here; i've never noticed really til a friend from back east pointed it out. all does feel free, in this sad lonely & weird time of my life, but then again, it's not 200 degrees here yet.
- am 60% done w/a dog & pony bunch of classes i'm taking. actually they've been pretty substantial & the teacher's nice & the biggest problem is i never sleep now more than 4-5 hrs, so guess whatever trouble i'm having is my own fault. my library school teacher, who must be an angel, gave me a deadline extension on the unit i'm supposed to be writing. don't know when i'm gonna pack for trip, get renter's insurance, take care of the 100 other little things. am mostly moved, but sure miss tv (as well as other more important things).
- when i get back from my train trip, it's bound to be like the inferno here. for now, must enjoy the balmy days, the cool evenings, cherish every moment. re life, don't wonder why, don't borrow trouble. "don't look back," said donna. "my family never looks back; we just keep moving." i guess that's good advice.
- gonna go visit the canine babies now. i hope i can sneak them over here some night. c'est la vie, and how.

ah, good taste! what a dreadful thing. taste is the enemy of creativity.

(name that artist)
- i received as a gift a handmade raku bowl. the guy who gave it to me & i talked at length about the arts & i recalled how my ex-guitar player used to call me "narrow minded" cause am not one of those who "likes everything." this guy told me such strong reaction can alienate people & tho my 1st thought was, "well, [to heck w/] them," i guess growing up's learning to accept other people's tastes & be respectful of them. i do wanna do that on some level bc i like people in general & don't want to hurt them & after all, here in america, everyone's entitled to their opinions.
- then i recalled being in austin yrs ago w/a boyfriend who insisted we go in this beer bar that had good drink specials. problem was the heavy metal hair band playing inside, & tho i warned him i couldn't stomach the music, he insisted we go in & just listen for a while, & sure enough, yeah, i was bombed, but it was the music that made me sick. it hurt; it was repulsive; it was just flat-out wrong.
- i'm like art fein cause i can't go in stores playing bad music, can't be at parties w/bad music, can't listen to the radio most of the time, can't tune it out at all, & it does make life tough sometimes, for me & those around. so much of the time i keep my mouth shut & then i just start to feel sick... how much is real & how much is middle class privilege? it does feel genuine, oppressive, disheartening. so i'm thinking maybe "narrow-mindedness" or strong reaction to the arts can be a form of self-preservation, like the way early humans were signaled to not eat the poisonous plants bc nature gave warning by making such vegetation unpalatably bitter. why expose oneself to visceral unpleasantness? why puke in an austin doorway when the ears have amply warned that such noise will bring illness? run, wear earplugs, don't go in to begin w/, change the channel immediately... just say no to bad art.
- bad art & prose/poetry are easier to stomach; they don't simper, shout, or scream at you like bad music does; if they suck, you simply can avert your eyes & still be ok. bad movies & plays are trickier cause of setting... but bad music, that just makes life more like death.
- what defines bad? for me, it's a little voice inside, the voice that knows all, that is always right, & says things such as "you must do this tho it is painful because it is your truth" or "just don't drink today" or "go help that person" or "keep your mouth shut" or "just go to work" or "be nice"... my little voice is saying "little richard" & "new orleans" & "go cat go." and, dang it, "go to bed." what does your little voice declare? remember the oracle at delphi...
- in short, the guy who gave me the bowl was just trying to control me.

i've never seen a night so long,
when time goes crawling by.
the moon just went behind a cloud,
to hide its face and cry.
just went thru the saddest experience of my entire life. if anyone speaks one bad word about brian briggs, i am writing him or her off forever. please don't do it; it's not helpful at all. if anyone speaks badly of me, which i guess some are right now, i must handle it & realize it's a reflection on them, anyway. i know who i am & also that brian briggs has been a good & noble man. we will both be happier eventually, tho now feels like living death.

exhilaration & gratitude

so fortunate to be able to feel. music, children & the good humans of this earth, flowers, the outdoors, nighttime & dawn, wit & kindness, exercise bringing immediate endorphin rush: i have a feeling dial, & it's near-always at max. when sadness hits, it's a tsunami that feels like drowning. but when i'm happy, boy am i happy & can feel rapturous life, & wow. :) yesterday the band came over & we hacked away for a few hrs as the neighbors twirled around on their bikes & one came over to say they liked the music, then i drove out to the 1st summer series past hart pk & there were 100s of other folks there! we started out slow as cattle, all packed together, then spread out & it was half uphill, a slow climb, all dirt, warm but w/a refreshing breeze blowing, & kenny walker from my school, who used to run competitively, coached me on my stride. near the top of the grade, endorphins hit in a happy blast & the rest of the evening was gliding bliss; nothing could dampen the perfect feeling i had. i am so grateful for last night. :)
- here are pix from paul a, who used to have andy noise records in bako forever: http://www.andynoise.com/btc-summer-series-09.html i come in on pg 7 or so & have to say tho my legs're all beat up from moving, i've got the coolest shirt of the bunch (gun club fire of love). lou, the paulsens, kenny, all were there & what a beautiful, wonderful experience!
- near-nothing's as lovely as running, i don't think; it's top-5 for me & i can't wait to do it more & get stronger. we finished as dusk descended & noshing on bagel hunks & drinking gatorade & standing around yacking i thought, man, in the midst of sadness, to get to do this stuff certainly seemed blessed. twilight fell in melancholy blush & then evening came cool & clear; took a drive to ethel's for hotdogs & watermelon (all kinds of people from the run were there), then a nighttime drive up round mtn road & found a quiet spot & pulled over & walked down this white, weedy arroyo & crouched in the dirt & listened to the night & the stars & i am lonely but feel lately that wild adventure i had in my youth, tho w/o the aberrance & craziness that most often used to be me... this, too, shall pass.
- may today some or much exhilaration & gratitude be yours... will have a very important mtg today, have no expectations, but do hope it will result in the least pain & most closure & relief for all.

bill gruggett guitar show, trout's, bakersfield; the wheel o life goes round & round

yesterday i had so much HW for this accelerated class am taking for library school (difficult to be accelerated w/cobwebbed brain), but got done enough in time to get to the above show for a while. have no mirror in this place, so just threw on a dress & these turquoise boots have had & got compliments! -so that was nice. one old-time country performer called, "well, there's that little girl w/the big voice!" :) a woman drummer recognized me from when i played bass in a hard rock band 10 yrs ago: that was both cool & embarrassing... saw all kinda people i sort of know from local music & ended up sitting w/my old bandmate brian paxton, who was very kind. jeremy, monica, & ryan from don't scratch the wax visalia were there, real friendly & rockabilly-styling to the nines. hope we can get some shows going... rugged brian lonbeck, child prodigy & joe maphis apprentice, got up backed by deke dickerson & chris sprague & things really moved! he kept prefacing songs w/"i don't know if my fingers can do this one," but then whoopee! he'd kick into one of this high-gear flat-picking country-rockabilly romps & boy! you'd need slow motion replay to see what he actually was playing... deke played a cool mostrite bass & brian a mosrite double neck, like larry collins & deke play. i wondered if brian lonbeck knew larry collins, joe maphis's other prodigy, way back when. after, brian l said he was playing that night out in pumpkin center w/bobby durham & i think that'd be a fun late-night drive sometime. deke, who seemed even taller than ever (tho i wasn't wearing my stilts, come to think of it) told me some places to go while in new orleans & some possible tips for seeing fats domino & was very nice. all in all, i was quite happy w/the whole experience, so will save that one in my happy bank, which i've been withdrawing on where i can lately.
- the 1st dusk devils practice friday night at this new place felt weird & free... more rm to move, not worrying about spending too much time w/the band instead of doing other stuff, all the windows opening out to neighbors sitting on their porches & not running inside or calling the cops & therefore i think ok w/the music... am so lucky to have my band fellows; music is saving my keister these days.
- when the guys went to leave, a neighbor had left a note on the porch: "my 7-yr old daughter loves your band! she wants to go to one of your concerts. she is dancing in the living room right now!" wow. in the midst of heartache, how can a person be so lucky?
- people've been so kind, & keep telling me to be gentle w/myself & give a certain person the dignity of his own experience: stop assuming, stop misery-making, leave him be. for me, & for you, if you are suffering, stay in the middle of the herd, as jani's husband says; take it easy; pause when agitated; count your blessings... a dove is cooing & the birds singing away outside, my basil & roses are still growing, i got this little rather lovely place, & i guess all things considered, life is pretty good. it's really rather ridiculous & infantile to think somehow right now i'm supposed to be happy... tho i always dread it, change is the only constant. am living in change, must face it, no getting away from it, & there must be a lesson here, so need to be cognizant, watchful, see if i can espy, maybe even fully view & realize it, & grow. my wish & prayer is that everyone who's hurting in this situation right now also will grow, maybe even blossom.
- to shift gears, my dear friend dan monji, the gardening guru, said this last wk: "plants grow best in sh*t." &, as dear texas stacy (RIP) used to say, "when you're in a bag of sh*t, remember: the zipper's on the INSIDE."

what doesn't kill us makes us stronger

- november 1995-may 2009
- i'm no nietzchean, but lately a few of his ideas seem to help. the existentialist, suffering brings meaning ones, i think... today's the last day of school. last night i watched an old sad, wild, angry, beautiful vid of dexter romweber & put together a bookshelf & lamented, grieved, tried to shake it off, couldn't, sort of came out the other side. it's like peeling an onion: i'm the onion. each layer removed takes me closer to the center. but what if there's nothing there when i get to the last bit of skin?
- bill wilson talk helps much: this, too, shall pass - the good, the bad, the everything. it'll all be over eventually. what can i do w/now? just ride it out.
- happy last day to the wild, sweet, infuriating middle school kiddies at my school, & all the others. if i could only get more than 5 hrs of sleep a night, i know it'd help... meantime, today'll also bring the saving wonder of music w/my dusk devils bros. hail hail rocknroll.

without music, life would be a mistake (nietzsche)

"he who sings scares away his woes" (cervantes)
"music is moonlight in the gloomy night of life"
"music is the medicine of the broken heart"
and this one
"it's gotta be rocknroll music
if you wanna dance with me" (chuck berry)
but i don't feel like dancing lately... this, too, shall pass.

mom & dad likely wouldn't much like the first flyer...

... but here it is, with another cool one from r&r pizza. :) we're on at thunder run at 1 pm, at r&r pizza at 9... in between, i'm gonna go on a long train trip to texas & to new orleans. have waited my whole adult life to see NOLA. i'm finally gonna do it. love & happiness & peace of mind to all who read this...

new dusk devils songs :)

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phil & i recorded these yesterday afternoon. many of them we'd never played; they existed in my mind, or i'd played them alone. so i think they'll just get stronger (esp phil's vocals, which i think will be solid on the roy orbison tune). i wrote all but the last one, but the colorful guitar is all phil.
i added in the bass last night & the drums this a.m. & just mixed it all.
times (so you can skip around):
0:00-2:54 HEY, BUS DRIVER
3:00-6:02 HIDEAWAY
6:17-8:42 BIG FOOT CHESTER
8:53-11:33 MYSTERIOUS
11:43-13:33 EVIL EYE
13:38-16:20 ROUND & AROUND
16:33-18:57 LOVESICK
19:13-END GO GO GO (ON DOWN THE LINE)
you can save this file if you go to www.esnips.com & join up, sez mark.
yesterday we all went to eat bbq & he & phil had an eating contest, more funny than gross. speaking of mark & geanna & family, please say a prayer for butch, & may his soul rest peacefully. as soon as i saw his cheshire-cat handsome face in today's paper, i remembered him as the alway wildly-grinning punk kid who was always downtown. rest in peace, butch, & may your loved ones find comfort & solace sooner than later.

soul stolen, or portal to otherworld opened yet again?

i just got sent these photos from lynda at trout's nightclub & saloon (bakersfield's last-standing honky-tonk) - they are from last yr, w/philbert looking studly & mark, who'd just signed on as a dusk devil, decidedly chico marxian! the other, well, it's definitely me. :) the 3rd was taken by candye kane's superb bassman paul, a gentlemanly fellow who, dusk devils-like, would fit well in a B-movie as a wise- or bad-guy or best-pal... here is a fascinating article about a traditional view of photos: art of stealing souls

photos by rebecca caraveo

went for two runs this evening! mama made angie's favorite, spaghetti carbonara. becky sent all these cool photos! the world seems a better place than yesterday... wishing you good health & happiness

"this one goes out to rockin' ronny weiser, who made our first record..."

name that EP (not you, olen, you're disqualified!) :)
here is what mr weiser just wrote me. WOW!!!!:
"Howdy Hi Jenny: I played your tracks on MySpace, and I love your voice, it's very intense, very soulful, wild but also tender and haunting when the mood requires. 'Mercy' is really smoking! Your piano playing is also rockin' solid... Always Rollin' The Rock, Ronny"
my cell phone is still dead. dang banana. i can call people & hear them, but they can't hear me. i imagine there's a nice banana plug gummed up in the mike-piece.
i think i'll get one of those trac phones from a big box store... then when the mins are used up, i can throw it out the window or smash it w/a hammer!!!!

we're depraved on account of we're deprived

not.
but look what someone sent me today! the dusk devils are an influence... in tx! couldn't get much better unless somehow it's a suburb of austin... http://www.myspace.com/texascherrybombers (look like a cool act! & their next show's a biker rally, like ours is!)
ok, beautiful run this a.m., beautiful weather, intense but important mtg w/loving friends, ruined cell phone when a banana in my fanny pack got pulverized by a water bottle... so if you know me & feel nice, pls send me your ph # so if i must get another cell phone, i can get hold of you!
last time i did it w/a chocolate bar. brian says i need to be "issued a military phone, something that can take heavy damage." it would be a dud if this one died, since it took a trip thru u.s. mail when i left it in a bathroom in idaho & then had it returned... it's a survivor; it has provenance (that reminds me: watch, if you can, the great movie "who the $!&*# is jackson pollock?" - you can rent it at the main kern county library)