molto transpirations & mental emissions

1) a great show you shouldn't miss if you're nearby!

1) here's the first, a show just added for thursday with some of our favorite friends in taft, ca. if you're nearby, stop by!
2) next is this terrific photo of mister handsome from line nine blues review, the fellows who host the thursday blues shows at cirivello's in LBC where james played his 50th bd show. tho the pic's on facebook already, i place it here bc it's such a good shot of dashing james, also featuring my friends steve & antknee. :) whether it's blake or lambert or anyone else on bass, i'm happy since all the bassists i've met of james's have been good fellows.
lastly, i went to the video store here (yes! we have one! an advantage of living in a dinky town) & i just commented that i was thirsty & the nice owner tammy gave me a bottle of water! as i left, the heavyset owner of the local yummylicious pizza parlor waved hello. i love this little town! but then as i drove by our 2nd driveway (our property is long and has two), my heart sank.

this small creature was on the far driveway when I got home. it didn't appear to have been hit by car or injured & still had grass blades in its mouth. I moved the beautiful animal to the mound in our yard & decorated the funeral area. this pic is so I can remember how pretty it is right now in deathly repose, before it returns to the earth. jny

2) he's just so dang handsome... wow!

3) requiescat en pace, bellus lupus.

additions to the below post

i was too puny yesterday to add these in...
here's a few pix of james in his "birthday suit." we were in backwardsville with mom & dad at one of our favorites, the REstore, & dad found this suit for james for under $4. on james's bd, mama fitted him & tailored it & then he wore it to his bd show at cirivello's. the place was hop-hop-hopping, full of love! what a positive & wonderful & exhausting eve! here he is modeling the suit in our room, & then at the show w/two guys i platonically & musically love: anthony (ant man, eddie munster) contreras on the swinging, blistering, no-metal guitar, & steve kida on steady solid drums.

next morn, james went down to get smokes & candy & came back with these lovely things. like i said, it was a great couple of days. :)

fragments.

we had a great couple of days. james's 50th bd. he said it was the best he'd ever had.
i still got this intermittent illness. was looking thru a gigantic yoga book on asanas for lowered immune system, but too weak to do them. this is the longest i've ever let laundry pile up! haven't been reading. or exercising. or performing! i missed a show bc of this yuck. went to rx, but she said they're not prescribing anything unless there's fever, of which @ that moment i had none. course, at this moment i do. can't help morbid mind from wondering if i've got another staph infection in my sinuses. stupid morbid mind. sit! stay!
am switching a med i take that keeps my head on straight. have to take a mellow-out med to ease the transition. james the other day said i was having dt's. so maybe this flu-lethargy feeling is withdrawal from blasted med. i've been turning into a larda*s lately, least by my estimation. turns out both meds i'm taking contribute to excess poundage. so that'll be one advantage of switching medication: loss of wt. course at this age i know to love this body that's gotten me thru a near-half century of life, in whatever shape it has. don't matter if it's not "perfect" -- i'm a well-loved human who loves most all. i love life. i feel a lot, often too much. dad thinks that's admirable (bc he's not that way. i think his equinimity is admirable. he says ppl like him don't live as deepy as ppl like me. it's the grass is always greener thingamabob!)
back to the seemingly physical, the "human suit" of which james spoke when 1st i met him doesn't really matter in the long run. it's an ephemeral carcass, a container, a meat bag, a temporary cover for the real me & you within.
we're all stardust. complete the quote: i'm too tired.
back to vegging for me. we had a great couple of days.
btw, read "the bakersfield sound" by robert price. really good stuff!

abbreviamations

the levels of work at the library sound like military: l.a., d.a., oss, osa, ost, etc... kinda funny! i need to take a typing test for a job i'm applying for w/a library out in the desert, a beautiful drive through arid open country, but today, typing test day, we got snowed in. ah, the life! the snow's been in 50 varieties all day long, so we've kept busy on homebody stuff-that-needs-done, cleaning, chopping firewood, trying to sell books online... at bottom's one thing i completed today that's needed doing. james will be playing a big fest, & the promoter needed another abbreviated phenomenon, an epk, so here's link to the one i made. i like it!

http://www.whiteboyjames.com/electronic-press-kit.html

(ps, remember, if you're in the area, to come see us thursday night at shenanigans, poster below, for a fun & friendly & stomping, rocking show...)

stay warm!

wheeeee!!!

sensitivity

this trait, which can make the sky bluer, music more thrilling, mere movement more miraculous & sensuous, life & its animals & places more exciting, more beautiful, more deep & wondrous, more mysterious & breaktaking, also can bring emotional dropoffs that feel cataclysmic in the moment, that break my heart every time, things i see other people sloughing off like a snake its skin. after all, the sensible instinctively seem to know, it's temporary. a link on the sidebar of this page shows exercises that are supposed to allow one with  sensitive emotional barometer (me, for example) to mellow out in moments of mental/psychic/spiritual storm. look at right for "DBT." i know it works sometimes for me, but most of the time i forget to use it...
sensitivity can be a terrible handicap. i've heard from as early as i can remember to "toughen up." i just ain't never toughened. am told, however, i'm gaining wisdom, so maybe something good ultimately will come from this minuscule life with its swooping highs & lows, maybe someone will be helped or bettered... nowadays, most of the time, after all, i'm grateful to be in this human suit/meat bag for this go-around, but at other times, as has been the case since my earliest memories, i feel bereft, at the bottom, unable to see light, abandoned, left out, & rejected.
however, i have a tool i gained from people more sensible & realistic than me, & it reads, "this, too, shall pass."
--------------------------
the writing process again has helped. i feel that little bit better. if you're sensitive & feeling down right now, try putting words to what's swirling & swelling in your throat & head & chest & gut. could help, for it has me.
signing off now.

the whiteboy & jenny combo at the oasis

our combo now has a link on james's all-new, james-created website: www.whiteboyjames.com . you'll see it when you go to that site, & then you can mark your calendar to come see one of our shows! :D

here are some pix from last week's show in memoriam of ross mccray. the swelling of love & community was nearly overwhelming! next day we hoofed it back out to taft for his burial -- the biggest funeral i've seen of a "non-famous" person! the man was extremely well-loved; in his memory, the oasis is going to start up "pinky productions" with beautiful bartender brandi at the helm for now, to turn the oasis into a destination blues club-nightspot! can't wait for that -- those are some good, friendly, loving people there -- an anomaly in the music biz!! a nice little article was published last wk in the bakersfield californian about ross/the show; go down to the part that says "in memory of big ross" & you can read it: in memory of big ross by cesareo garasa

a cinematic shot i took of the ever-photogenic james

the whiteboy and jenny combo -- a duo again, for this show

whiteboy james

jenny page

:(

yesterday was one helluva day, & then we found out our dear ross was gone.
we all have lost a true friend, generous, hard-working, a fervent music lover, & the best poker-faced dirty joker-teller you've ever seen. rip, dear ross. 
live life now, each day cherish
seek purpose, find your new adventure
don't ever ever ever ever ever ever ever give up!!!!
love to all you & all who loved rosco, jny &jms

valentine's day

animules...

the rooster's crowing outside on this golden mountain morn. the dumb & cranky cacophony always makes me happy, makes me laugh. wanted to hop on here briefly to post some pix & recount so i don't forget last night's spooky moment: the neighboring dogs were bark, bark, barking up a real barkfest in direction of the black night beyond their fences toward the mountain when suddenly bursting through the cold came a wide howl, howl, howwwwwwwl, a whole pack of i think at least four coyotes baying urgently toward the sky in lonely, scary, ardent, yearning disharmony... peewee the cat jack-knifed from the blankets with halloweeny back arched & huge green orbs flashing at me w/alarm: whatthehellwasthat????
here and there the coyotes come down nearer the back fences, james says to entice w/their females & therein try to lure the domesticated dogs to their deaths... but this is the 1st time i'd heard a whole pack yowling so close to civilization.
 i checked this a.m. & the next-door dog, an ignored & yet-adorable boy, was still intact, so that was a relief...
so much fun & physical/spiritual reward playing the other night with james in our combo, with  stephen kida on drums... steve, who came in cold to play with us & who's played all over the world with top-tier acts (& is blues express drummer, of course!), enthused about our combo, saying,  "what a treat to play with a piano again... i didn't even know you played! [james!!!!] and [smiling sweetly, he says] you're really, really good!" i found out his favorite pianist, too, is professor longhair! friends showed up that night as well as young rockabilly cat collin king, whom james elliott had said resembles young james page... and he DOES some.
nobody else, tho, has my husband's eccentric charm & charisma, tough-guy shout-singing sinew, rough yet regal...
... oh no; a very heavy young woman is hiking up the other side of the arroyo by the house -- it's very steep, & i hope she doesn't tumble down. on the other hand, i say, because she IS quite big and she IS hiking, you go, girl!

whiteboy & jenny combo... all sweaty from pounding all night

oh my, james is so very handsome...

while on lunch-walk while subbing at arvin library, i got this pretty shot.

happy valentine's day weekend... if you don't have one, be your own. :)

life is a cabaret, old chum...

... one made of microtubules. this i wrote on fb, so rather than rewrite, am pasting it here bc what it describes is highly noteworthy:
Just watched 2010 BBC documentary "The Day I Died" on Youtube !!!!! Mind is separate from brain, microtubules within each cell operate as quantum computers, superposition & quantum entanglement allow consciousness to remain when the corpus dies; spooky & beautiful accounts from near-death survivors, plus the rationalist (skeptical) view to balance it all.. BBC pulled this doc after airing it, not wanting to be associated with "fringe" ideas, but... YOU GOTTA WATCH IT!! Its startling ideas baffled, excited & comforted me hugely & may you, too... jnypg
if that intrigues you, google stuart hameroff, one of the world's preeminent laborers in the field of microtubules & consciousness. fascinating research & theory! for more fun, google "qualia" & "seamus heaney," whom i studied & didn't appreciate as an undergrad, but do now in my relatively advanced (for me) years.
other than that, well, just was reminded today again life's quite a ride, quite a cabaret, quite a merry-go-round, quite an unpredictable baffling tamale... prompting a new song. haven't written a full one in quite some months.  a little sunshine on a cloudy day? more like a cathartic process i'm vitally fortunate to possess.
it's beautiful here. gonna blow this popstand for a bit to visit friend & family. arrividerci.

friendships! & having fun in backwardsfield...

the lady below has known james for decades, & when james & i became a couple, she was wholehearted in her support for us: "james has been my friend forever, and if he loves you, i love you, too!" she exclaimed, & she's proved it many times. in middle age, her life hit some serious rough patches after she suffered some huge personal losses; like any of us, she's no angel, but like the best of us, she has a big heart & is loyal & loving. she came to visit & we had a good time hanging out, tho she froze most of the time in the mountain climate. put on a coat! i kept grouching, but she wouldn't listen... so appropriate that our friend would be stubborn...
wanted to report on a few great experiences we had last week in backwardsfield. you should check em out when you're there:
1. driving in the country outside town, james told me, "i wanna go someplace where i can sample fruit & nuts!" our 1st stop was a locally-well-known grower/tourist attraction/fruit place off 58 on the way to tehachapi, a bust: the selection of fresh stuff was small (it IS winter, but...), the samples parsimoniously controlled by a woman who actually sneered when i said my dad grows citrus, too! the vibe of the place was not too friendly, our "okie pie" tasty but too expensive. next we headed for california fruit depot, which i've seen signs for for yrs but never visited. highly worthwhile! we walked in the small store to shelves of dried fruits & nuts, with samples of everything that you are trusted to sample on your own! in the back rm, i was able to squeeze my own fresh sample of orange juice. it was delicious, tho... not as good as dad's. :) a picture window looks out on the production line, with (all female, when we visited) workers quality-checking fruit tumbling out onto a conveyor belt, colorful boxes labeled for shipment to asia on the floor-level conveyor. we came out with orange creme almonds (they taste like torrones!), "frog balls" (a horrifyingly-named concoction which james & angie knew of & love!), & garlic chips, all weird & delicious treats. on top of this, the ppl who work there are nice, nice, nice! if you're anywhere near southeast bakersfield, you gotta go to this place! http://calfruitdepot.com
2. backwardsville is known for antique shopping, having write-ups in national magazines & newspapers. with the gias, we hit a 2-block length of 19th street downtown, starting off at the old woolworth's, now three stories of antiques. the highest floor, once a work/storage rm, we thought, was most interesting to me, w/its exposed 1930s-era ventilation system & doors hand-labeled from a time when big department stores ruled the land & had whole storage rooms just for candy. we found a whiteboy james-style army-issued black trenchcoat for very reasonable bill, then went to a place around the corner filled w/toys, comics & all the junk i wanted when i was a kid... james & i almost hyperventilated cause there was too much stuff for us to look at, but little of interest for mom & dad, so we resolved to return, just the two of us, or with the bennetts... the place of most note, for me, & that i want to hep you to, if you ain't hepped, was the merry-go-round antique mall. this pretty antique store has a funky treasure in its basement: a fake vintage movie theatre they seem to've built just for fun: behind yellow cages along the walls are a small lobby, classic movie posters, a ticket booth w/mannequin ticket seller, & a theatre screening an old picture & inhabited by a few dummy-patrons! in another room, a sign announces "pool use for hotel guests only" or something close, behind which are fake palms & sun shades to mimic a resort of old: such imagination & whimsy must be promoted, even if just on this little blablablog! here's a facebook link to the place so you can see it, too: merry-go-around antiques
(if you love military/work clothes, but also costumes! costumes! costumes!, another place you shouldn't miss is howard's workwear in the bakoland quarter of oildale. this is one of the best costume shops i've ever seen, as good as ones in san francisco & austin, i think, tho far darker, more cluttered, & less fancy! howard's workwear & costumes on facebook)

reflection...

life is short. and horrible. or beautiful. or something in the middle, the wide, wide middle. and one extreme can veer to the other, depending on the split of your pendulum's walnut. like my good-starting life went horrible for years, then beautiful, then horrible, then back again cause my walnut's kinda cracked. seems to've stabilized somewhat in past years, knock wood...
just feeling reflective (not like a bicycle reflector or a disco bulb or a wading pool, as lightning-minded james would maybe quip...)
james's friend, musician joe houston, recently passed on, & also a few wks back the world lost bakersfield sound pioneer red simpson, who lived to the ripe age of 81. tough for musicians to make it to their 80s, i think, w/the wearying lifestyle of weird hours, smoky places, booze, pep & other substances, crappy pay for most, stress & violence, promoters & club owners, & lonely, lonely

mr handsome, tony lopez & some gray-haired woman

nights. the exhilaration & godly embrace of stage time's mighty brief compared to all the other hours in the day... loved ones save. red & joyce had many, many -- true, deep, forever friends & loved ones, like james does, not just hangers-on & glad-handers, of which there've been & will be many.
rest in peace, joe houston as well as red "suitcase" simpson, a decent man, prolific songwriter, friend to so many, & hard-working musician til the end.
i worked at a different library in the south valley yesterday, a gladdening time. it's not a fancy library like the one on the mountain, but has more volumes, & i got to do lots of heart-warming & soul-bolstering librarian tasks with patrons & rub elbows with cute little latte-colored black-haired tykes & hushed but earnest parents. i love that part of library work best, the helping humans part, information-seeking 2nd. my spanish will get much better at this position, & i'm happy now to get to both play music & work in these knowledge repositories, bolstering literacy & community & safety...
we've had some gigs lately, me & james along with tony lopez on drums, & especially taft -- TAFT!, the once-sundown town i used to be skeerd of! (as late as in my teenaged yrs, i seriously thought me & mama might get hanged if we went there) -- has the warmest, friendliest folks. like i felt when i lived in backwardsville, many of the ppl of taft feel they have to apologize for their down-home town, but there's a lot of good going on there as well as the dumbness &/or violence, which everyplace has... a few wks back we drove out to taft college so i could talk to its english dept staff about online teaching & i discovered taft college recently was rated #5 in the CCC system! that's a huge WOW!
i hear sleepyhead stirring in the other room, so i'll sign off now except to say i hope joyce simpson will have comfort & peace in these first weeks w/o her beloved husband. extra prayers for my friend candice, the widely-admired & adored "toughest woman alive," & my wild aunty rita, who just won't take care of herself, but we all love her anyways... & reflecting on ppl i've known who are ill or just wondering how they are these days... may all be well. (except you. yes, you.) :)

next!!

please come see us...
  
(postscript to my blablablog -- my latest obsessions are neville brand & barbara ehrenreich. the best movie we've seen recently was called uncle john: seek it out! the creepiest was the scientology documentary going clear... yeechh!!)

an important message...

(EXCESSIVE EXCLAMATION POINTS AHEAD)
if you're reading this, you are alive. stay that way!!! it ain't gonna last forever!!  life might not have gone or be going how you wish it would, but know you have a reason to be here. what is it? i don't know: i'm not you!!! -- probably something to do with helping other living creatures!!
our meeting tonight was about the difficulty of living in the middle. so many of us "first world" human folks have trouble just living. not only is our commodity culture immoral & corrupt, built to make us all feel bad if not on the treadmill of consumption, but not everyday's fireworks! or a parade! or lollipops & laughter! or hahaha, lalala!
things don't always go my way or yours!!
it's not so bad to sit in the modest, humble, homely middle way. most of life is like that, in fact. it's ok to be ok. i don't have to be either exceptional or a piece of dogsh*t. i don't have to act like a teenager or try to cling to immature dramatics. most hues in the palette of creation aren't black or white. the prudent way is to get to "the middle of the herd," as steve c used to say. the other elephants can't hold me up when i'm low if i'm out at the edge or off by myself. "no man is an island." etc etc etc etc etc. blablablablabla. you get da picktcha.
go forward & live.

yayyyyyyy!!!!!

feel so good about this new year. :) hope you do, too.

jumping jehosaphat, casey hensley sings like no other!

ant, me, beloved james on happy new year's eve 2015-2016...

merry christmahannukwanzasolsticefestivus celebration!!!

mr & mrs whiteboy james & mr & mrs big manny

- some morbid reflection has flooded my soul lately, but i think it's being prompted by the corporeal changes of being a vieja... drat! i can't worry about my loved ones current & past, human & non. it's crazy-making! james has been helpful in reminding me that it all will pass. so true: the good, the bad, the world as you & i know it. i only have my turn, & my turn's about half-over! better relish each moment rather than fall splat & wallow in anxieties & sadnesses i can't change a bit!
- the mountain is swaying & singing w/wind & blustery rain; in recent days, we've driven all over the place for a couple gigs, family in the valley, & dear friends' visit; it snowed for them & the wife exclaimed, "i've never seen snow!" what a happy moment for all. :) we had pizza & watched the wonderful, wonderful film a christmas story, a perfect film except for melinda dillon's anachronistic hairdo... so excited we'll have the young man visit us on the mtn for the holidays, then see family, then see friends, then the new year is going to be a blast this time, a record party & jam session hosted by the happy friendly talented contrerases!!! woo-hoo!

i really love this guy, & so does anyone w/a heart.

- wanted to share this -- a month or so back, i read about what makes humans most enduringly happy: closeness with others, helping others, & quality of life (not material, which is actually antithetical to happiness, but physical, spiritual & emotional). these seemed to me to correlate w/the pillars of the drunk club: unity, service, & recovery. the drunk club is most always right! here are a few more articles on this worthy topic. article one & article two
- these holidays, love more, buy less, & for pete's sake, care for your ever-changing, vulnerable, ethereal, precious flesh bag, cuz we each only get one on this turn at life! may your days be merry & bright. :)

mama says james looks like yul brenner in this pic. irish yul! :)

she saw snow for the first time this past week. :)

:D

just  checking in

aaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!

just saw a bunch of pix from max's tribute sunday. of the ones of me onstage (thank you to all photogs who took them), i played a game called "how many chins does jenny have?" of course, as most stage performers know, singing pictures can be the absolute worst, especially when taken from a below angle! especially when you're a vieja, i shall add! here's a good one, & thank you to casey r for it:

oh well! it was fun & i did it to inject a moment of cheer in memory of max!
so since i don't have an eating disorder anymore, guess i'll just have to take other routes to avoid the spread of aging... or realize there are transgressions far worse than overweight... like being an a*shole! i can know that though my behind might be bigger than it used to be, so are my heart & soul :)
this a.m. i was hemming & hawing out in the yard on a beautiful sunny december morn, placing various christmas decorations around the yard & outdoors, when one of my friends pulled up in her truck, apologizing for just dropping by w/o notice, & i ended up filling out a felt-like ream of paperwork with her she said she just couldn't do alone, so now i got that good feeling of having helped! :) generally, i'm better in writing than extemporaneous word, so it felt quite satisfying & rewarding to be able to basically interview her, write her replies on paper, & know i'd done something useful & kind! after, we had a bagel w/hummus & visited a bit, listening to, among other yuletide music, the chipmunks christmas song, which made me fondly remember students over the many years cutting out & pasting & drawing christmas cards & ornaments in the classroom while listening to christmas songs... nothing is much better than the precious cache of memories i still get to have. they might be gone someday if my thinking deteriorates w/age, but hope by then i'll have more to take their place... can always hope.
anyways, happy happy to yall! :)

cha-ching!

oh gee, feeling pleasantly eyeballs-rounding-the-corner-before-i-do right now on a whole pot of coffee... zing! it's a happy morning/afternoon here... what nice weather outside! might go for a hike... we had the mountain holiday faire the other day & dear dear dad came out with me to sell my fleas (james had two gigs, so couldn't join us!), & what a nice day! cold, fun, met so many nice ppl, sold a BUTTLOAD of LPs! my big payday? a huge amount of dough for my life now, but i realize, as much as i would've made in one day when i was teaching! hahahaha! despite that, i'd much rather be in this life now than the one i had back then. at the library, working only pt-time, i still get to help ppl & interact w/youngsters, but it's all positive & i don't have to herd cats or undertake any behavioral modification strategies or deal w/stupid standardized testing or fights on the yard or yard duty, for that matter!! i hear from my dear seester that the climate of public teaching now's much less the way it was when i bailed, & i'm just so happy for her, that she has less crap to deal w/than we did 5-10 years ago! so to heck w/the big paycheck for me: i like it like this!
sun in LBC we attended a tribute for departed ornery, irascible, eccentric, resourceful, uber-talented & creative max bangwell, james's dear friend & long-time blues express drummer... my hubby was so, so, so, so sad, but we got up at pink arguello's request & sang together on the big stage. i told jr watson, on guitar, "little richard!" and he told the band, "rock n roll!" & we did my song "he's my baby" & right away, i saw teeth flashing & heads bobbing throughout the place & spirits were high, & that's why i wanted to do THAT song, cause i knew it'd make ppl happy & max would've wanted that. throughout the day, i kept pondering him, keeping him at the forefront of my mind, knowing he'd want everyone to be joyous & mischievous & having a good time... james was so beat afterward, we got a rm next door at the golden sails, where he used to play but we've never stayed, & what a nice place!! huge room, big soft bed, pretty manicured grounds, quiet & serene, & in the morn, beautiful breakfast rm w/softly-glowing view of boats bobbing on the marina & tons of yummy food, which really made big-eating james smile & delight! i was so grateful to be able to stay rather than try to get us caravanned home cause my sweet husband woke from sound slumber in a happy mood, & that made it all worthwhile! anyways, that's that for now; i need to be productive here at home for a bit...
here's where we'll be thursday... please come join us! it will be fun fun fun!

stupid stupid cold, stupid stupid

- well, it's finally gotten too cold for comfort! brrrr!! sort of fun to bundle up like a stupid-looking zeppelin, tho... i'm waiting & waiting (see below), so meanwhile here's a really stupid story: when peewee was a kitty, we kept having to pull him away from the fireplace, where he wanted to, we thought, play or be a little toasty after the fire'd died down but the hearth was still warm. i'd sweep little ashen kitty paw prints off the hearth, smack (softly) his little kitty butt, admonish, "don't play in the fireplace, kitty!" we'd be watching tv & james'd exclaim, "i smell the cat box!" my super nose immediately would go on patrol, snarfing in the box's direction, smelling nothing, but detecting a smell elsewhere in the living room, TOWARD THE FIREPLACE. "must be an animal under the house," i would conclude, since the smaller forest creatures nestle in the crawlspaces, esp when it's cold... so yesterday i finally cleaned out the fireplace &... PEEWEE HAS BEEN CRAPPING IN THE FIREPLACE!!!! STUPID CAT!!!!!! i scooped an entire grocery sack-full of fossilized little nuggets from the ashes. yes, fortunately peewee has been big & fat for some time, so many months ago, his a*s got too wide to dip his way into the fireplace to sneak a dainty little hearth-poop, so merry christmas to us...
- i'm waiting for some stupid slow music files to upload to send to a fellow in bakersfield who might book us at his & his wife's smartly-arranged club in old town kern (bakersfield). i used to drink there many many moons ago, priding myself stupidly on how i would pay for a full basque dinner, then ONLY eat french bread with bleu cheese, along with sucking down least one bottle of wine all by my stupid self (boy, i showed THEM!)... stupid stupid youth of mine...
- how were your holidays? above's our warm & comfy thanksgiving pic. we are doing well, & i'm so happy... only one or two stupid relatives/people were at thanksgiving; most everyone was terrific & nice & funny & warm & helpful & loving... just found out i get to play the annual christmas party with big manny. he put up a fb profile pic much like one of james & me, so we said we should all start a band. here's me & james:

here's manuel: 

 he said we'll call the band monkey see, monkey do. :) i'm looking fwd to playing w/him, leo, & micky for the rush street christmas party (yay andy!) & also with james at the oasis for our monthly duo... i'm trying to convince james to learn "here comes fatty with a sack of sh*t," which i first heard on the john waters christmas album, but i don't think he's going for it... we really should have some christmas songs at our show, & certainly some stupid ones, too... ok, the stupid files uploaded finally; time to go.

blablablablablablablbalbalabalbalablabalbalalbalaba...

last night, in an amazing deal for the place, i got 3 pizzas for 11 bucks at the local market. winter bringing rain, high winds, icy snow has blown in & locals look different now, all of us hollow-eyed & hunkered-down in coats to combat the cold, lumbering & scurrying to get our supplies before securing ourselves tightly away for the night in (i hope) warm homes... the snow is beautiful & forbidding, but also light & playful: we've only this year so far seen it be the former, but i have learned living up here the weather's got so many faces, temperaments, colors, moods... it is a living entity, the greatest one of all! (see article below about nature.)
there's a local stir right now about a corporate dollar store coming to town: most objection is coming from local biz owners ("natch"), chiefly the guy whose family has a monopoly on local markets. he even was spotted removing local newspapers from stands so locals couldn't read the story wherein he threatened to fire employees who didn't sign his petition protesting the incoming dollar store! (his attempted subterfuge only resulted in yet another newspaper story, which only made him look more like a weenie...) man, that's rough: i feel sorry for the folks working for these markets. will they always have to watch their backs when they want to pop into the dollar store for a cheap item or two?
we're on a budget in this life-chapter (which is fine; self-restraint aligns nicely w/my OCDish tendencies), but i'd never buy everything from dollar stores. such food generally is limited, low-quality & un-nutritious, falling into the category of fake food, for the most part, & the products are plastic, cheaply-made, quickly-broken. but i hope this dollar store goes through cause it'll be nice to have more shopping options. we won't have to go off the mountain as much!
one argument from local biz owners is that the dollar store will create traffic congestion in our little tiny liliputian itsy-bitsy downtown.
oh, please!!!
competition is good, people around here are loyal to one another's persons & endeavors, & our locally-run stores generally are high quality & run, i think, with love & care. (example: the feed store; the library [not a biz, at least not yet]; the pizza joint; the video store; the vegetarian restaurant; the burger joint; the junk store; the toy store; the hardware store; the car wash!) go, dollar store, go!
next i will pray mightily for a movie theatre to be installed down at the outlet mall. come on, movie theatre!

mama mia, papa pia, potato chip

just saw this dazzling pic that kaykay posted of james, to which i commented he was the handsomest man i've ever seen, then joked in postcript, "except for johnny weissmuller." so then i had to look up weissmuller on google &... good gravy!!!!

the weissmuller shots (below) are such obvious beefcake, but some people like me are obvious in what twists their twinkie, as cousin tushi would say (another of her exclamations comprises the title of this post). dad & mom are the same way: he, always so gentlemanly, has only ever commented (politely) on women's physical appearance when they are as beautifully, intoxicatingly shapely as, say, dark-eyed sophia loren; mama's favorite has long-been big manly sean connery... me & james have had talks about the 1st time we felt "funny" seeing a celeb. i've known men who were most thrilled physically by women who looked more like teenagers or even were childlike (yeccch), or feminine caricatures, like bette davis, who really were more like drag queens or had masculine characteristics, but my husband & i have always been attracted, really attracted, by strapping uber-men (me) & -women (him), hunky (me) & healthily curvaceous (him) endomorphs, their visages maybe displaying high testosterone & estrogen levels. he recalls his first realization that there was something special about the female specie the first time he viewed raquel welch, in 10, 000 BC. good heavens! that must be one of the top-10 ultra-toned beautiful-bombshell images ever recorded! for me, it was walking into the tejon theatre in bakersfield & being stopped in my tracks by the sight of john amos (yes, good times 70s tv-dad john amos) shirtless in the world's greatest athlete: the strong chin, wide forehead, handsome, masculine face, & broad broad chest clicked something on in my 7-year old being.

- there's nothing wrong with androgyny or any other legal physical attraction (we're not fatty-haters, & if you are, go suck an egg). why write about this? well, it's my damn blablablog.

anyways, this is what i think about on this wintry day, the 1st snow having nestled the mountain these early morning hours. the house is quiet & calm & we had coffee, pyrenee's rolls from bakersfield, provolone & meats from generous mama, lingonberry jam, & now he's retired to rest & i'm on to reading in a few... he said this early morn he was out watching the sunrise & falling snow & cavorting wildlife & laughed happily, "this is my HOME!" i feel that way so often... no high-paying career would take the place of the simple & pretty life of today. to repeat thoreau for the 100th time, "that man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest."

anyways, back to my mundane, everyday, but fun-to-consider-for-the-moment topic, the pics here  give me that john amos feeling (tho the one of james additionally stirs my heart with many other kinds of love, which is what happens in marriage, as love deepens & broadens), & also remind me of the 1st time i saw my husband sans-shirt. that image will never be posted here or anyplace else, but i'll say, just to be polite, oh my, hubba hubba, mama mia, papa pia, potato chip.

sleepy mind, beautiful life force

my mind feels soft & warm like a blanket... slow & quiet like late afternoon light... the low clear clean light is breathtaking & makes my brain & heart shush & draw in, comforted by the certain coming of winter.
just read a really neat, well-written article that i used to wipe my hands on as i ate & read (unfortunate habit of mine), before i realized i would have otherwise saved it, so i'll just quote it here, since i must now throw away the pb&j-smeared pages. "just as there are receptors in the brain for drugs, i like to think we have receptors for nature as well. we may believe we are run by our thoughts and anxieties, our urges and our choices, but come to a place like montana [or a place where nature is in charge, like here on the mountain] and you wil be reminded that the moon is running you. the sun is running you. the light or lack of light is running you. you are the full moon. you are the rushing river. you are the animal, moving and being moved" (amanda fortini, from good magazine)
...
oh, cool! here's a link to the article itself! i was initially not-much interested, but the piece builds into something quite different than its initial description of mundane activities... surrender by amanda fortini (of course, she's not just a great writer, but beautiful)
the link contains photos quite stunning! like the one below of james and me... his smile makes me swoon (as dad said, james has no bad angles, & as i say, his immense heart & soul shine through his eyes), and i know i'm not alone, but that is ok with me... :)

all hallow's eve

winter's coming! finally can feel it in the air... we watched most of soylent green the other night after the above crazy-successful show at long beach's  shenanigan's, but i can't ever watch past when edward g. robinson goes to the euthanasia factory to "go home" cause i start blubbering... am happy to feel winter in the air because tho charlton heston's hammy-yet-wooden macho brawn & corniness make soylent green laughable, its "dystopic vision" isn't cause it in ways seems too plausible -- the ideas that the future always will be hot, squalid, over-populated, evil-government ruled, with sexism & exploitation of the human even more culturally-imbedded... but now turns the weather to winter, yesterday & today with billowing storm skies bringing fresh cold rain & shining nighttime of brilliant, chilled stars... welcome, winter. :)
(btw, the peanuts movie comes out next week, just in time for the holidays.) :)

oh my, oh heck, oh crud, oh rats

have been sick in soul & also body all week. so much confusion, loss, blah.
looking at the dishes & no magic fairies are gonna do them. waiting for repair person to call back to look at the gas wall heater, which is emitting a not-intolerable tho steadily-annoying high c#. i would trouble-shoot it, but been too sick to stand much, never mind do heating repairs. once i lived in a 1910s walk-up in downtown backwardsland that had a lovely hissing steam radiator, the steady shush of which, on cold eves, was calming, but this sound ain't that. hard to get help on the mtn at the last sec like this. halloweeny tomorrow. mebbe all the repair persons are getting their ghosty & zombie & witchy & hobo & superhero & other costumes ready.
so much sad, sad news this week. god rains on the just & unjust alike; the birds outside don't care; life goes on; the low-angled lulling golden sunlight on the dusky green mountains, the wisping burr of pine, don't care. am grateful to be ill here in the soft & quiet mountains rather than in the loud & dirty city, which is good for a dip but not for a life. i'd be even more depressed if there...
remembered to turn to stoicism, its readings imparting advice not unlike that in 12 step programs or christianity or buddhism of various patterns, to my synchretizing mind... so much is out of my control; my duty is to find meaning, keep composure, when it's lost, relocate it.
here are a few worthwhile links. dishes next, dang it.
this is great: adam smith, "loved and lovely"
failing is part of the deal

"you better be right, sinner, you better be right..."

this weird, cautionary song was recorded in the '50s by freddie & the hitchhikers & rediscovered by the cramps. i recorded the audio when we lived in the apartment in oc, ca, back in 2013. it's one of the cuts from our 2013 halloween mini cd, called something like happy f&*$ing spooky halloween (you get the idea). if you wanna hear more, just email me or james or see us on facebook.
that is all for now...

Life goes on for us. We're still alive. We're still here!!!!!

found myself in oildale, ca today saying that to a young guy i used to see at meetings who obviously sitting on the sidewalk dirty & ashamed wasn't in that sober place anymore, & he dipped his head & said beautiful & even wiped a tear. "brian visited me a few times when i was in jail," he said, referring to my 1st husband, & in that moment, i realized today was brian's bd, so i gave the young guy his number cause that'd be quite a nice bd present for brian, to do some 12 step work. then in another huge God shot, i turned around & another member of the fellowship was walking up, someone w lots of good time, & took the guy to his truck & gave him a shirt so he would be able to go into a place & get some food. "tell james hi," he called as i walked back to my vehicle, feeling so effin grateful & useful & happy, & then when i got in the car i learned life took away james's dear friend max. max! the greatest drummer i've ever heard, a smart talented wiry wily wisp of a guy, a trickster & a mensch. he chain smoked most of his life, got an aggressive lung cancer, immediately started a vigorous anti-smoking campaign, fought & fought to hold on! so scrappy, so vital was he, he last much longer than thought possible! but this p.m. he left this life & now the  rollercoaster has gone off the tracks into unbridled cyclone. why why why? there's no satisfying answer & after the happy beautiful trip of last week, i now feel clawed at & gnawed at by old dark inclinations, sad & mad in so many ways i can't even explain cause that box must stay nailed shut... i know after these dark skies, after this storm, the sun is gonna rise & hope when it does, i will be able to feel it. that we can feel it... we... can... good lord, max is gone & thousands mourn! unfettered souls swing from sweet, loving & kind to  suicidal, selfish, dishonest, damaged! i'd quote the big book, but what's the use? sometimes life is just pure sh*t & that's all there is to it.

binge

recently i was in a group of four or five women & it came up that every one of us has had eating disorders at one time or other. cheese & crackers! what kinda crap is that? to quote repo man, "i blame society..."
thought of this just now as i chomped down my (not gonna lie here) fifth piece of rugelach (had to look up the spelling), so tasty nutty-crunchy yet starchy-doughy, like so many foods i binge upon (shuddering while doing so since it's near-impossible to trace these tasties back to their originating farms or critters... or laboratories?) (btw, this is an eye-opening exercise to undertake when considering one's grub intake) (where was i?)  mom & dad got the rugelach & challah bread & other yummies from a jewish food festival that took place here in backwardsfield the other day... so i'm here to say hi to los padres magnificos & tomorrow have two dr appts before going back up the mtn to work... we had swell heart-warming small-town kinda events on the mountain the other day, a haunted library shindig my boss marie put on in spades w/the whole beautiful place decked out in morbid scary silly fun, then right across the street at the park, a community dinner put on by a local church, so i got spelled from patrol at work counting people in attendance to grab a bowl of delicious soup & bread AND see four of my warm happy friends from the drunk club! anyways, whatta life. i am really enjoying my turn lately, i tell you.
however, am frustrated trying to upload pix from james's & my trip; mama's little computador won't read the files, so i'm forced to be sensible & give up til am back home & can do it all in one swoop, rather than being a nut as is my tendency & spending hours here obsessively sending 80 photos one by one (the only way my phone will do it) to email, then creating a folder, dumping photos in one by one, then uploading each to facebook (see, i got it all figured out, like we nuts will do before embarking on some insane task completely counterproductive & time-wasting).
we had a really great great great great trip to the desert to celebrate three years' marriage, enjoying superb food & kind hospitality & very comfortable beds with nice soft sheets of higher thread count than my limbs & toes usually slide upon & wonderful gargantuan skies & lonely highways & neon lights & i could go on & on & on cause i can even binge on words.
instead i'll just post a pic or three or 9 of some highlights & more later, more later... maybe, who knows, who cares! just remember to watch (unless you're a homophobe) the french movie stranger by the lake (the eros & thanatos impulses! such scary twins! so spooky! so sexy! so doomed! been there, but ain't done THAT!) & read john waters' carsick (unless you're a homophobe... or have no sense of humor). chow!

james killed at sammy's original! god-like!

next we vegged at a wonderful spot in DHS

look at that face... can only write OMG!!

great guy commemorated in palm springs

the white shadow & the whiteboy in photogenic amboy

hanging w/shady & kim in bullhead city/laughlin

"help us, obi-wan!" awesome gift from shady guarded by magic glove

nearly the coolest place in vegas: james w/sci-fi center's william

after the trip: makeupless me w/kind, talented marie at haunted library

blablablablablablabla

mind's running a bit too fast to write much... all is swell. cooking, qi gong, friends, travels, "new" car (for a steal!), music, family, practice, library, paychecks, reading, step work, yoga, building projects, cat, funny hahaha, hahahahaha! blablablablabla!! more later, i think...

do wanna write that the oasis is considered to be the toughest bar in taft. i laugh! yeah, there's a fight near-every time we're there (not with our fans/watchers, & not cause of us, but cause of overuse of mind-altering substances by humans staying too long at the helm, i think). patrons & staff are always so friendly & accomodating & enthusiastic & happy & they have absolutely the best food i've ever had in a bar, specializing in sliders. we had fresh cod sliders one time recently! delicious! so fresh! so tender! (ok, the saloon we went with james's band in the netherlands, i just remembered, they served us, right at the bar, super-excellent scrumptious-tasty egg-bacon breakfasts next morn...) the fights happen after the shows, so don't worry, & realistically i think most can figure out that can be just what occurs when folks over-indulge, so please come down & see us for oildorado week at the oasis in taft!

no cover, just bring your dancing shoes & smiles... and tip money for the band, as james would say, "for the kids" (bwahaha; so irreverent is he.)

happy seven months drug-alcohol free to the man whom brother doug waggishly calls "james scarbelli" :D