show 'em yer guns, baby

i had a really nice time yesterday doing some recovery stuff as well as visiting my dear friend & then driving through the night to catch my husband's triumphant return to the eldorado in LBC w/nice people spilling out the doors dancing & having a great time, but rather than go into all that, i'm gonna post this cause we worked on it today... and it's long but quite representative of what it can be like around here :)

Bird Playing With Dog

i was so sincerely touched by the kind people who showed up last night to watch me play. it was fun to play again w/the blues express. james looked so very handsome in his all-black suit. and this video will bring you a smile, if you have any pulse at all.

myoho is in you

i found out one of my friends wrote a book for children by the above title. very cool. "myoho," if you don't know, is part of a buddhist chant...
other than that, i'm just trying to keep respirating & remembering there's purpose in this life-thing, which i guess one view of is summed up above...
how bout you?
tomorrow night is to be my return to opening for james & the blues express... at least for now cause tony lopez will be drumming & he knows my baby set. i hope someday to get back to playing lots of songs, furiously, til i can't stand up & could well-die from the exhilaration fury beauty of pounding, slamming, unstoppable, unsinkable, gorgeous american music.
i spoke to manuel today (big manny) & we commiserated about how frustrating it is trying to find musicians who play the music right as well as how much we miss playing & what he called "the rock n roll life." someday i will settle regularly into being a sideman, & i hope one of the ones i back will be manuel cause playing w/him is like a dream -- everything fits w/him & his repertoire is authentic & soulful & dedicated & kinda crazy/silly but very deeply respectful to the canon...
well, crap, that's about it for now. if you've ever liked what i do onstage, i'll be there tomorrow & i will be pounding it out w/goal of being unable to stand when done, hoping to spread & experience some joy & transcendence as well as soothe this evil thing between my ears...

he has been called "mrs jenny," so this wording seemed fair.

peace

i love birds, especially doves.

have never seen doves here at the beach.

this morning was awakened by loud, lovely, throaty coos.

jumped out of bed and on our very patio ledge

were two doves.

life is beautiful if i pay attention.

thrifty

me in a "new" dress; i like this "arty" photo

am wearing one of my "new" dresses & waiting for hubby so we can caravan his car up to get repaired. "new" for me near-always means thrift store, swap meet, hand-me-down, or yard sale. i do not buy new-from-the-store clothing & household items, unless i have to, like when i needed snow boots asap when i lived full-time on the mountain. even then, i got them online at a real bargain, so i try to never pay full price. the discount is the satisfaction -- the deeper, the better. are you like that? a spendthrift? someone badgered/ berated/ chided for being frugal? deep-down i don't care cause in the end, i don't have to rely on others financially, living by my ways... plus, i find it fun, to be resourceful, tho at one point, i did lose that belief for a few months, feeling a bit depressed, thinking, why do i deny myself? don't i deserve "nice" things? i am definitely not broke; i've been very responsible financially in my life. then me kicked back in & said, you love the hunt! it's like finding an easter egg, looking thru the piles & finding that one beautiful cool thing that stands out, that is unusual. plus, it's much more pleasing to sift through many decades of clutter, instead of picking an object off a rack of items nearly-just-like it. where's the imagination in that? where's the fun? another thing is, sometimes, the stuff i get has provenance -- there's a story to go with it, so it's more than just an object: it's a history i then get to wear or hold or gaze upon or treasure. another thing i like is, i realized by not buying new stuff, i recycle, repurposing what might go in landfills. i am not adding to the clutter of this choked-up commodified land of overstock & waste, & that does make me feel responsible & good as i simultaneously get to have my fun buying stuff... so when people ask where i got a dress, jacket, shoes, jewelry, etc, i say "my favorite store." and that always means used.
implicit in all this is i haven't raised children, so i've always had time to hunt for treasures. every experience, every habit has its positive & negative, in other words...  time to chant.

take the bangwell challenge!

- probably 500 or more adoring, loving people came out in support of max bangwell sunday in long beach, ca. the music kicked butt all day & night; fervent blues fan pat delaney exclaimed, in her long island cadence, "thez so much great music, i'm olmos atta breath! i mean, my goahd!" so, so many faces filled & spilled out of the gaslamp, the good, the bad, & the ugly, but all there for max & so all ultimately good. max looked wan but happy & played a really cool set w/his band, scott lambert on upright. they really swung & rocked!

james knocked 'em dead, as usual. when he started his set, the cameras popped like fireworks & folks flooded that dance floor & he shook his hips like elvis & leered like jack nicholson & sang like the saint & sinner he is, w/that sonorous horn of a voice... yes, james was a really bright star throughout the event, & he nearly had not a moment of peace, so busy was he w/friends, fans, followers,  etc! we hung out side stage during the blasters' set & he danced his butt off & bugged his eyes & hammed it up in highly amusing fashion. then phil alvin dedicated "trouble bound" to james, causing my husband's heart to swell. next phil dedicated "one bad stud" to max & the blasters just pounded the crap out of that place, phil's voice ringing like a bell, the band slamming-steady-beautiful.
- max attributes his lung cancer to having smoked for decades & has launched "the  bangwell challenge," urging all to stop smoking. after the event, i decided what the hell am i doing playing around w/such a deadly, not to mention expensive, habit? so today i'm on day two w/o smokes. here's the scary part: tho i've been just a dabbler at the coffin nails, the last few days i've been having cravings that make my teeth crawl; i can't imagine what heavy smokers must   go through, tho i saw a glimpse once years back when someone i knew well ran into the backyard one afternoon, yelling that he was covered w/ants, & in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, ripped off his own pants. do i need to say it? there were no ants! it was the gd cigarettes!! what a hideous & insidious addiction -- not that there are any that are cool, really truly.

- that's the last thing i'll say: all my addictions need to be gone. i can't entertain a one. i can't dance w/any gorilla, no matter what costume it's wearing: boozehound, dope fiend, control addict, chain smoker, glutton, starver, purger, gambler, addictions creepier/more pathetic... i must be rid of them all to continue on this straighter, clearer path. must keep trudging... even when i screw up, am petty, am an a**hole, clam up, get scared, justify myself, run, make mistakes. to reiterate the mantra lately: "there are no mistakes, only lessons."

- all are praying & sending good wishes to max that, whatever happens, it be for his best. the blues community came out in full force to support max, excellent musician & cracklingly sharp, wily, funny, terrific friend to so many. scores of photos of the blues royalty & community in attendance are available online. meanwhile, here are some pix from various nice people on facebook.
love to max bangwell, & thanks to him for issuing his challenge, which no doubt will save many lives.

for max

today in long beach, ca, u.s.a.! what a line-up for a superbly talented & unusual human being!

saaaaahns

sister b, the irish "nunny bunny" & beloved/wise/spry/comedic recovery leader, has a funny bit where she talks about driving thru texas & being told by a friend to look for the "saaaahns." w/the exception of the other day, when genetic blues punched me in the gut like they have here & there since i was a chaaald, i've seen many, many signs. two days ago, even in my depressed underwater state, were waves, seashells, sunset, miraculous words at the meeting, sunshine, the sky, the palms, breezes, a piece of mango cake from a sweet little girl, & much more.  yesterday, in the midst of some confusion, were words of hope to my stepson, boundaries set toward others by james & by me, the gifts of a bbq (james has wanted one), a keurig coffee maker (again, something he's been wanting) & a gigantic container of sea salt. i noted that last one: sea salt is natural lithium! we both immediately put a bit under our tongues. before i left for my meeting, the way i saw james resolve a situation w/placid revelation & resignation, that was definitely a sign. from chaos to such calm in a matter of hours: a miracle, a blessing.
i'm going to take my favorite bicycle soon on a foray across town to see my lovely sponsor & i'll be looking for them saahns. the cycles's an ugly folding peugeot 2-speed from dad & it rides w/such fun & ease & freedom. its homeliness makes it more special to me cause god loves the little things & while i'm certainly no god, i do, too; more than fair attention's given to the big & new & splashy... speaking of splashy, the other day while i waded in the ocean taking pix, a biggin came up & swashed me & phone wetly, so another task today is to go replace phone. dad emailed & noted the phone's not been a cooperative varmint, anyway, & yes, it's really been an unreliable pain in the butt. in fact, when we get permanently settled, i'm going back to a land line. well, digression's taking over, so i'm off except to post a few worthy links:
lovely quotes from mother teresa
thoughts on the book of job

crap.

among other disappointments, sometimes i miss my family so much. and my dogs. and my friends from bakersville and on the mountain. i forget my connection with the universe, i get unplugged, i go adrift like a balloon wobbling into the stratosphere, i feel alone. yes, sometimes i really get down, down, down,  so down, i can't see up. like someone i love texted me, before a big wave came up on me while i walked at the ocean & soaked the phone so it no longer works, "sometimes i don't like Earth."
my brain's done this to me since childhood; i remember trying to run away at age 8 cause i felt this way. i know it will pass... but i put it down here in case you feel lonely at times, too.
this, too, shall pass. repeat 1000 times. time to turn in, i think, & wake up to a brand new outlook, i hope & pray.

it doesn't keep record of wrongs, always protects, always hopes, always perseveres...

what is love?
i wrote this song in late 2010 or early 2011 but didn't know anyone then who liked it or thought it to be particularly special. last yr, james was going thru some of my tapes of song ideas & he really like this one, & so fervent was he in his appreciation of it, i was quite touched, & also surprised, since i'd kinda forgotten about this little song. he then played & sang it on his guitar, quite sincerely & sweetly, adding his own lyrics. a few months back, i recorded it at the beach pad along with nine other songs i wrote, with three more still to be recorded, i hope. i wonder if these songs'll ever be performed by a full band, the way i hear them in my head? for now, here's a small semblance from my limbs & lungs, more heart & soul than chops & finesse, but oh well, better this than nothing at all...
one yr ago, james & i went on our awesome honeymoon & this afternoon i listened to this song of mine & realized who i must've been writing it for all along...

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 ^--  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It  always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

cabeza & ancianos

re cabezas, i am attempting to reprogram mine. his has been asleep a lot lately. rest is restorative, so i think he's reprogramming, too, ursine, hibernating, rejuvenating for spring.
he sculpts more & more, always heads. i find that cool cause when i used to draw in near-photographic fashion, i was fascinated, too, by human heads & faces. always had trouble drawing ears; james is good at them. maybe cause he's always had his on view to learn their contours whereas mine've been covered always by hair. maybe cause he's just a better sculptor. maybe cause i'm just learning to listen.
ears? what?
as pt of my reprogramming, i last wkend went up to the westside of LA & spent the day w/60 recovered women & my favorite irish "nunny bunny," so funny, spry, sharp & snappy (not to mention wise & loving), who announced next wk (this wk!) she'll be 79. wow! boy, what a wonderful day; i couldn't be more grateful for that experience as well as the next day, which led me to chant w/hundreds of others, then get to listen to some really inspiring talks about transforming oneself w/purpose of bringing comfort, peace & happiness to others. the teacher in me was so moved by this wholesome & noble & heartening philosophy! i can't wait to learn more of all this good stuff, be it 12 step, buddhist, christian, pantheist, or whatever... so glad i am remembering to continue to wash my mind.
i imbibed (i hope) much patient wisdom from my sponsor yesterday. pertinent to what i just wrote was when she reminded me, "there's a reason you have one mouth & two ears..."

also yesterday i learned my sponsor is 91 yrs young. i almost burst into tears & told her so; she smiled puzzledly, "why?" i told her they were tears of joy, that she was inspiring. i am nowhere near young anymore, yet she is twice my age, & so full of life & wisdom!... so here are some heads... the clay james is the 3rd i've made, trying different kinds of his clay as he chunks me a lump (or lumps me a chunk)... i did this one hurriedly w/o my glasses, just for comparison's sake. how do bad eyes affect my art? the upper skull should be taller, but i didn't have the clay or time, so think it came out ok, considering. his heads always are fictitious persons bc james is more imaginative than i am. he has just started on this hobby/outlet in the past many months. he is really, really good, i think!
time for more coffee... harvelle's tonight, downtown long beach, 9 pm-midnight. at that time, the bear will rise from his cave to roar mightily for the awe & pleasure of all. :)

staaaahlish & toujours gai

a friend of dear sweety cousin mary fafa wrote a nice comment about this pic from a few months back. i looked at it again &... it is pretty cool & yes, we can look pretty stylish. :) on topic of photos, james has been taking some really interesting ones with his nice camera & i hope he'll post them someplace bc their subject matter speaks of his unusual & active mind, i think -- they are novel & inventive, as is his ever-take, just bc he has that james brain... i often feel quite pedestrian by comparison, humbled & often amazed, tho i know what i've got, too, as far as gifts, as well as that everyone has his/her place & niche & purpose. mine is to be always the worker bee always in production & always moving & always trying to figure everything out while his is to be the king bee, maybe, or heck, i don't know, but i think whatever is going on here ultimately is complementary, i'll say that, & maddening, too, & beautiful, too, & enlightening & even revelatory, too,  & i'm sticking to it, too, & he is, too, so that's enough of that... this morn i got to swoosh thru the rain to visit my beloved little sponsor & now i'm gonna venture out into the elements for a walk to the downtown library & gym, & that's it for now except that my manner of writing is reminding me of don marquis's archy & mehitabel tho nowhere near as poetic, of course... check that out, if you've not read it. here's a sample: http://www.well.com/user/ari/archy/the.song.of.mehitabel.html

in spirare

a little too bushed to write, but am gonna, anyway. i'm moved in many ways by our last few days visiting family. found out our retired parents volunteer for five & more agencies & serve on three boards. "i have to keep myself busy," mama said casually, "or i just start thinking about myself all the time & get depressed!" it sparked me & i got online & finally put in the job apps i'd been procrastinating over. then, the lightbulb: i realized what book i should be writing. bam! in a flash: there it was! an idea prompted by love, too, which dad concurred is the compelling reason one should write.
john updike's daily morning routine was to write for 3 hours at his typewriter from the windowed attic of his new england home; lately i've been gnawed at by the knowledge i should be doing that, too (tho not in an attic, & not in john updike's new england home, but you get the picture...) but i'm not creative, see; that's what i've told myself for years. i can't write a novel. i can't write poems (although i do write songs, copiously & uncontrollably, even).  but applying the discipline of work to the practice of an artistic pleasure such as writing or music, that i can do. and who knows: maybe a novel COULD come of that. for now, with book topic in mind, let's see what i actually can do... 30 days now into my newest practice, even tho i keep hitting those speed bumps because i'm still learning when to steer, when to surrender the wheel, i feel emboldened to add more life-rigor, to be more like our folks & niece (read on), to try harder, to be braver, more affectionate, more trusting, to not give in to the infernal head...
just now, mama & i had a sweet, poignant, long conversation w/my niece (mama's beloved granddaughter), who today in class presented her 1st short story & was met w/overwhelmingly positive feedback. this usually reserved girl cried tears of joy & gratitude & admitted how mad she'd been at herself for giving up writing for a while, having decided it to be impractical. "but it calls to you," i ventured, & she nodded. "it's your passion; you mustn't abandon it ever again!" i said, remembering when i was too "practical" (& drunk) to play piano, how i missed it, how i even felt lonely & ashamed w/o it, like part of me was missing. she nodded w/agreement... we listened proudly as mama talked about her successes as a college writer & later, master teacher. mama was the type of dedicated inborn educator who made others like me look like hacks. her classroom was so beautiful w/art & writing, i felt like quitting every time i visited, yet so damned proud... suddenly james blew thru the room dressed to the 9's & headed to gig, spouting funny stuff to maddy as he departed. dad had drawn him a big silly map & wandered in the room for a minute to tell a dadaish story before wandering back to his computer, where he is working on another historical piece. it's a crazy artistic family, we agreed, w/the emotional rollercoasters that accompany that, but also w/the huge soul satisfactions that come from creating. (you should see the sculpting james has been doing lately, btw! i hope that he will have a show some time soon, & an idea's afoot, i hope!)
i sat down to read maddy's story. i'm a big reader, but my time on earth's getting shorter, so these days at the library, when i pull a title from the shelf, i give it a sentence -- at most, paragraph -- before deciding to choose it or not. ... maddy's story's 1st sentence was astonishing. it took my breath away. i quickly ran in to the other room to read it aloud to mom & dad & we all marveled & smiled & puzzled: "how did she DO that?"
i half-joked to madeline, "when you become a millionaire writer, i want you please to buy me a grand piano." she laughed appreciatively, & my heart is warm & proud & pleased to've gotten to spend the eve w/those i did in the manner that i did... that's all for now.

history & gushing

last night james put on the most kick-butt show i've seen him do in some months. he's always awesome, but last night was super-extra awesome; with guest drummer michael leasure & husband's vocals dialed in really well by sound man scott, it was as thrilling in many parts as the young blasters! i was so proud of james, who put in four hours of solid, honest, hard-driving, no-holds-barred music. i still think he so often is the best band leader i've ever seen, & the greatest front man.
and the handsomest.
if you want to see him do it, come on down to harvelle's in long beach on a wednesday night. but be warned: i might be opening, & i definitely will be up there at some point singing a duet & having a good time with my favorite person!  :D
today i went to two great meetings & learned all kinds of gems of wisdom from some top-drawer people. at the 1st, which i got to walk to through the lovely breezy day, i ate some delicious marshmallow-peanut delights, heard some truly inspiring & touching stories, & won a beautiful jasmine plant. at the 2nd, a young woman declared motivation to be a muscle that can only be strengthened by oneself & another humbly remarked that living by program "is a noble way to exist."  afterward, i came back & cleaned this place up to cheery level so that my jasmine could have a warm spot in which to flourish, then researched a cool train trip for my hubby. i'm so excited for him! i know how he loves trains, & this'll be a maiden voyage so that next time we can travel together! as-is, i will pick him up on the mountain side & we'll be able to visit one of our favorite little towns, which turns out is right where the train will deliver him. (he picks it up just blocks from his dear friend's business, which means the trip will start w/a healthy little stroll... what a nice day james will have, i think!)
 tonight, we met up at the movies & i was delighted that parts were filmed in greenland & iceland. "i want to go there with you," he whispered. new york city, too. "let's do it!" we agreed... i want to go everyplace with him. it's sweet & exciting to know he feels that way, too!
we got home & started talking & i remembered suddenly my last group of teachers; an online search revealed this, so i made a collage & post it here so that i don't forget.
happy upcoming weekend to you, & may it be worthy.

ice cream, nuts, rabbits, skunks, weasels & rats

the ice cream truck's cranking its whimsical calliope-carnival sounds around the neighborhood. it's february!!! back home in kern county, we'd hear the ice cream truck serenade & know summer was coming... i still smile thinking of my skinny little sister desperately running down the street, her little feet slapping the asphalt & coins clenched in her little fist, yelling in her little voice, "wait! wait!" with the truck's song clinking faster & faster in the distance, not stopping for her, poor little angie...  i wanted to kill that guy for not stopping for her, except the cutely uncaring music made it all funny!
here in so-cal, the appearance of the ice cream man doesn't signal summer or any change of season, for that matter, since this is a constantly temperate area. (around here, also, the ice cream man is james's friend, a man whom james taught harmonica & so from whom he always gets free ice cream, of course! just another one of those james-kinda "coincidence" stories. dad was with james when the ice cream man pulled up @ this connection was revealed... dad laughed out loud w/delight!) ... yes, it's always ice cream weather here. i'm not complaining: i can breathe here. must enjoy it  while i'm here... am, more than usual lately. i've gotten nicely ensconced in being a gym & jogging nut again, as well as a connected 12 step fellow again, w/lots of strong, warm, heartfelt meetings here & on the mountain. feels good to feel so "part of" again w/high-caliber, no-sneaky-agenda/no-hypocrisy, humble & sincere people -- altho there are those here, too, like in all walks of life -- just in much smaller numbers than the good eggs!
geez, i'm supposed to be doing step work, but it's gotten too heavy in the last half-hour, so here i is. so started looking at pix of a recent musician's charity event & saw a cool one of billy watson's harmonica case, with affirmations/reminders written on its wooden edges. what a terrific musician & person! i wish we knew a lot more musicians like billy watson & manuel "big manny"  & people of that positive, optimistic, slightly-bent but wholly-good-hearted, kindly, quick-witted ilk... i know there's a lot more of them out there, but those two come primarily to mind... well, heck, better get ready for the meeting.
oh crap! gotta run!

lifelifelifelifelifelifelifelife

today we met with angie & doug at our favorite LB restaurant; what a lovely time! what delicious, delicious grub! my religious sister & bro-in-law snapped what they called the "food porn" pic. we visited doug's folks, who were working a booth at an antique/flea market near LBCC. what fun, to walk around beneath the beautiful breezy beachy blue skies w/two of our most beloved humans, looking at all the junk! a small woman closing up her booth gifted doug w/a metal toy train. wow! doug is a preacher & attributes all such things to god. more power to him & his belief, i say: he has made my sister happier than i've ever seen her, & he is a kind, brave, funny man who fervently loves james (calling him "the finest brother-in-law in the realm") & me, too, & has helped 100s, heck, 1000s of people desperate, spiritually lost/bankrupt, hopeless! i know that my husband, even w/his wild, wild ways, has saved lives, also, as has my sister, our folks, & maybe you? these people -- any  who extend the hand of kindness, salvation, hope, comfort -- are to be marveled by, to admire...
we ended up at dale's diner in north LB, enjoying malts, pie, coffee & loud, ribald, sometimes scatological conversation (angie & i were raised around mad magazine; our husbands are just wing nuts w/crazy, crazy pasts!)... at one pt, i realized we were roaring about this stuff in a restaurant; to my happiness, i realized looking around that no one was paying us any attention at all. :D

there really should be a tv show about james & doug. i mean, look at these pix! my sister & i, not raised to be wallflowers, look so boring by comparison! :) being around angie & doug feels good; they have worked out a friendly, loving, supportive marriage -- model for any relationship, from my viewpoint.
have a happy week.

drive-through communication & the dignity of the golden arches

yesterday was one of the most satisfying v-days i've ever had. practical, calm, it ultimately was quite comforting. i got to meet with my kindly, wise sponsor, then end the day warm in bed drifting off w/magazine as my dear husband snored quietly. in the middle was other good stuff, chiefly a marriage-building conference at nearby megachurch of wide walls, pretty architecture & furnishings, cheerful clean-cut throngs, & lots of good snacks & beverages. the conference featured some seeming-common sense suggestions, but for someone like me, they were uncommon & therefore welcomed! stuff like this: raise your mate's value -- honor him/her; lower your anger; do whatever possible to make your mate feel safe. a great tool we learned was called "drive-through communication," so i'll leave that for you to look up.
today we skipped out early on the conference's day 2 after agreeing we'd gotten more good info already than we could've hoped for & anyways were better off out in the sunshine headed for an eatery. too, we'd woken up far too early for vampire musician/s & were having trouble staying conscious. we packed in some big plates of savory hawaiian food & once home, drowsily tucked in for afternoon nap. james had a wedding gig, so i made him a sandwich & he hit the road after which i went out & cashed in a gold nugget i found while cleaning the mountain house last month: a bookstore gift card!
earlier i mentioned drive-throughs, & for yrs i scoffed at mcdonald's. this eve i decided that, sure, such megacorporations definitely should be viewed w/skepticism, but blanket condemnation on my part is elitist bullcrap. mcdonald's certainly has its place, & not as in a place where only the poor uneducated eat and/or are exploited, or where you'll find "those people"  -- think of those ugly sneering online attacks, whole sites set up to jeer at "wal-mart people." in this sort-of posh orange county town where eateries can be inhabited by spoiled snots w/loud mouths & opinions, the large & clean golden arches i visited tonight was welcoming: quiet, staffed by friendly folks & peopled by brown & tan & flax-skinned patrons who conversed in lulling hushed tones sounding almost like mantra. yes, i really appreciated sitting w/snack wrap & french fries in the reading corner, staying for quite a bit, reading my new book while others around me read/studied, too, in an unspoken, seemingly-consensus politeness & calm... it was a nice time w/no artifice & no waste & no braying bozos, a dignified time... an honorable time. at mcdonald's! maybe, like james told me today, because i feel happy/good/decent/dignified lately, i see it in other people. he could be right!
back here, i put plump massive chicken breasts in the oven for james to have once he's back home, then had long conversation w/jamesjr about director's cuts, orson welles, atheism, etc., then got online to read dad's latest history of dust storms in kern county as well as some weird lewis carroll poems he sent (the funniest is called "hiawatha").
tomorrow we get to dine w/our favorite bennetts in the world in one of our favorite cities, LBC. life's much easier for me personally when i consider my activities as "get-to's" rather than "have-to's." well, i'm still too full to exercise. talk about a golden problem. golden problem, golden arches, golden rule, golden mean, i don't want silver, i don't want gold, all i want is you darling, to have & to hold (sing "5" royales)... over & out.

murdersickle

jeff hyde snapped this pic yesterday at james's show for a man celebrating 25 yrs' involvement w/a certain motorcycle club... here, we are pictured on jeff's new bike. james used to ride, i hear, & in my 1st marriage, i was heavily exposed to the motorcycling lifestyle. in fact, i had a beautiful red sportster for about 5 minutes, but it wasn't for me.
i was surprised how easily i was able to hop on after these many yrs, but i think that was due to yoga, not a natural affinity for motorbikes.
today's a good day, & it's nice to not be cold at night. i met with my octogenarian sponsor the other day, & her wisdom & kindness so-inspire me. also nice is how james rearranged our bedroom as well as the breeze blowing in as he gently sleeps, my cup of coffee, my peanut butter toast, in short, there is much for which to be grateful. today we might go see my favorite living pianist, but if we don't, that's cool, too. lately i've been thinking, whatever happens beyond my nose is beyond my control, so i just gotta make sure i do what i must to keep the nose & all that holds it up in firm check.

allergy & addiction

woke this morning w/pain stabbing left ear/throat/eyeball region. the time has come: my allergies, the persistent little a**holes, have caught up to all the places i live, mountains, valley, & beach. crap! i mix a concoction of tea tree oil, meyer lemon, apple cider vinegar w/water & down it. yeccch! -- but i think it helps. (you know what they say about placebos.) i used to write on here a lot about my myriad ENT woes -- hope this blog doesn't again become that!
"the doctor's theory that we have an allergy to alcohol interests us" is a line from the chapter of the big book that changed my life -- not like seeing a burning bush or being struck by figurative (or literal!)  lightning, but i was changed w/a shiver of recognition, that uncanny feeling of "you've known this all along, dummy"... allergies, i have many, many, & stopping that one in its tracks has sure helped my life along quite a bit. heck, it's allowed my life to persist, endure, abide, period! yes, am sure i wouldn't have a life, had i remained slave to that deadly allergy to ethyl alcohol & its fellow toxic substances. w/in the sh*tbag of active addiction, i wasn't meeting any goal of numbing or appeasing the infernal coconut, anyways. at best, i got temporary relief, but then the stuff would wear off & there i was again. you know what they said in buckaroo banzai, by way of confucius: "wherever you go, there you are."
why am i writing again???? it's what i seem to love to do; seems to me i started writing & piano playing around the same time, so creative output via fingers is wired in me like that. also, yesterday we learned about the death of actor philip seymour hoffman & were sad. what an interesting actor, so unconcerned w/being lovable! seeming so conflicted in his person, & indeed, he was! james & i've watched "the master" repeatedly: such a strange, beautiful, sad, difficult movie! then i heard the actor'd been sober over 20 yrs & had gone back out & i almost hit the ground, like a blow to the chest! the woe & sadness & desperate need for instant relief he must've felt, the terrible aloneness, then the commonality of such despair, the why-does-dope-&-drink-exist-at-all torturing question: i had to contact a bunch of sober people i know, just to reassure & remind myself: we must never give up! many responded in kind, so i was restored to comfort in the company of my fellows. even cyber contact is enough; the world can be such a sad & lonely place; i cannot exist alone.
obsessed w/the "5" royales, i learned today that lowman pauling, the band's songwriter, rip-roaring, protean guitarist, & bass vocalist, also died of alcoholism. i know so little of lowman pauling except his genius music, the unbridled emotion that surged from his guitar & voice, his wise, truthful, astonishing lyrics & melodies. i spose my job is to take that info in, stave my own emotional reaction, & realize: that is not me today. so many of the wildly creative, those who "fly too close to the sun," perish prematurely: i can be sad about this, certainly i should mourn, but i must be a survivor, for the world needs me, as it needs you, even if i'm no wild creative, even if i will not change the world in any large way.... so i'm writing that here. if you're reading this, please don't court the devils of alcoholism or addiction of any kind, be it dope, food, gambling, self- or other-abuse, lower companions, perversions, etc...  don't listen to it: persist, abide, & thrive. if you're down, here's some stuff to look at, other possibilities. see you later. love, jenny
quotes from confucius  engaged buddhism stuff to learn

"when you walked in through that door, all the loneliness i knew had gone..."

(song by the greatest band in the world, the five royales. here's a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YoEjxvklJA8)

"i felt so wonderful & strange when you walked in thru that door"

we have had the best many days in a long while. james caught up on much-needed rest at the mtn house & we got snowed in, causing us to have to miss an important appointment, but oh well! "snowed in with you," james mumbled happily from under a mountain of bedcovers. "oh, how terrible!" he was right & the day went well, but i do hope to reschedule soon... the bakersfield production of the producers we got to see was shockingly great! strong acting, excellent vocals & choreography, & the guy who played the director just killed! james said he looked like billy watson, i saw lon chaney; most importantly, the guy had the superb face to go w/his acting! we were at a dinner theatre, so got to dine w/angie, doug, mom & dad as well as see old dear family friends. the gias sent us off to oxnard next morn w/bellyful of great breakfast & other goodies. james loved the beautiful, lusciously verdant, nostalgic heritage valley & we stopped at a giant produce market at which a small man sang a sappy song in english-spanish at blasting volume & then we visited the picturesque town of fillmore before arriving at uncle jimmy's. superbowl was a washout (i'd like to read malcolm gladwell's take on what happened), but the visit was splendid & we ate like king & queen; sherry had put out quite a spread! we watched some of groundhog day in the cozy guest bedroom that night, then next morn had meditation time & went thru 78 records w/uncle jim before heading back out. we drove thru oxnard's historical district w/all its beautiful homes, had oaxacan food, delicious giant cookies, then were back on the beautiful drive along 126, stopping wherever we wanted for a thrifty's cone & some mexican salve at a tidy place called farmamex, then a wonderful garden/antique shop that meandered from train cars to little black goats to koi ponds to produce to uprooted, inverted trees that looked like something from tolkien. we then turned off & wound thru the beautiful little town of piru where a crew was filming a tv show before heading back up the mountain. this eve james rested more & the final big news has been that jamesjr was accepted to college out of state. his father & aunt are so proud, & bricks are being laid in place for the solid foundation of the young man's future. congratulations to jamesjr!
i leave you with link to more five royales songs. the band defies categorization except to say they were the greatest! the five royales, a band you should definitely know, if you don't already...
lastly, jani wisely said the other day, "there are no mistakes, only lessons." as usual, in spite of myself, i must conclude that there is much for which to be grateful. don't you think?