discipline & unsung stories

- updike would rise early each a.m., head to his upstairs, & dutifully write for 3 hrs. kerouac supposedly wrote on the rd by feeding a 120-ft roll of paper into his typewriter & letting fly. somewhere between's people like me (neither disciplined nor dope-driven, most of us toil in obscurity, which is just fine w/me). as a kid, i loved nothing but the piano more than my portable olivetti, & i'd clack away daily at it: imitation chandler & hammett, detective stories, marx bros script, feverish tales of my cousin, sister & i meeting the beegees (i was a KID after all!). never finished a one, & my niece is now the same, tho she writes her feverish tales by hand & they revolve around androgynous j-rockers.
- as much as music, people, exercise, & finding shiny objects on the ground, i just love to write, & besides a behemoth of a masters thesis & yrs in jr reportage, i do it for self-expression -- tho i spose there's always a bit of social agenda there, since i AM a teacher from a family of teachers &, tho yes a little smudged by a kinda sordid but mostly garden-variety-drunk past, basically am a goody two-shoes... i like to be good, & i like people who read what i write to feel good, & i keep that in mind while writing. yes, nihilism, marker of my youth, is gone, & therefore, i guess, so are my tender yrs, & good riddance, i say!
- haven't written for many days, so it's time, is the idea. things’ve been up & down: lots of headaches/sore throats probably due to our poisonous air; much time w/family & friends; enjoying crisp-autumnal clime; did 1/2 marathon the other day & am still somewhat crippled by the bout (time was 2:19, not bad for a non-athlete like me)...
- see, i've always been in this place & tho for a while chronicled my mostly-drunken escapades in a comic (look to link @ right for true tales of glumglum), @ times i glaringly know i just don’t have much that’s exciting to write of.. however, i DO know people who’ve had fascinating lives, & i trumpet here & hope they read & are inspired to finally get some of their stories down!
- here, for instance, is my dear friend donna's nativity scene: step-dad is coming home off the rd; he's stand-in for hank snow when hank's too drunk to get on stage & sing. he walks in & donna's dear mom's laying across the kitchen table w/the other kids standing worriedly around, mom’s yelling, "i'm having the baby!!!", step-dad runs across the rm, slashes down the venetian blind cord & uses it to tie off & cut baby donna's umbilical cord.
- what a frigging entrance!! donna's hilarious & weird story "the worm" is at that link at right, & she has tons & tons more. what an amazing life, & she’s gotta lot more to live!
- and aunty rita? she lived all over the u.s. as well as in el salvador when uncle henry worked shutdown on nuke plants & she just bursts w/stories: armed guards escorting her to the mall in salvador; carjacked at gunpt in miami beach & then the thief got on the fwy & got stuck in a traffic jam & the cops got him; dancing w/merle haggard & all the honky-tonk hunks when she was the knockout-life of the party in the 50s-60s; living on buttermilk & cigarettes a smitten cowboy’d bring her every single morning to nurse her hangovers when she worked at the bank; coming to in the bushes & knocking on the window, but her sister wouldn't let her in the house… (well, ok, i DID live that particular story…) my long-time friend, big gruff dm, tells of partying at his friend chief’s pad while dm was a hollywood high student, putting down the bong to espy a stretch limo outside, & next thing he knows, in walks elvis! yes, none of these stories’ve been written down… til now… so you read it here 1st! :)
- i should be more like dad, local historian, who gets wind of others’ fascinating lives & patiently but doggedly pursues til they spill. dad, the quiet but politely subversive gentleman w/matinee looks who always has lived w/in 10 miles of his birth, is someone who thrills @ others’ narratives (b rode sidecar as a motorcycle ice racer in colorado; uncle henry went out on the nuclear sub, where they couldn’t shower for the 1st month cause the stalls were filled w/smokes & booze; steve strelich stood in for movie stars, did marathon swims & dances, & met a dictator before starting up a wrestling arena that still stands here in bakersfield). yes, dad really listens & truly loves interviewing & getting down on paper the adventures of others. he honors others, in so doing! please click here to read some of dad’s work: www.gilbertgia.com
- well, aside from getting marmalade at the bent ‘n’ dent for my students (who’ve never heard of or tasted it) & some terrific books @ the goodwill, "my" tale for tonight’s been told, so if you’ve got a story that needs telling, post it, post it, cause why the heck not??! life’s too short to sit back & wait for someone else to sing your story, & even if you’ve not traveled far, as folks  mentioned here have, i believe that a tale well-told can take place right in your kitchen, bathroom, backyard, or noggin...

feliz semana/fotos de tammy (y yo y mi banda)

well, merle haggard was at trout's sat night. and cash'd out at f-lips sunday. and i saw none of it!!! but my wkend was super swell & hope yours was, too. :) it's a golden morning... may all be well...

blablablablablablabla & a get-well-soon to jani's foot

it's saturday!!! aaaaaaaaahhhhh!!! :) :) :) :)
how are you? i'm hoping the burning pinch above my left eye will be loosened by this cup of coffee i drink... was supposed to do a walk w/jani this a.m., charity for family survivors of suicides, but jani dropped the new fridge on her foot, so no walking for her. if you read this, it's at harris pk... later, tho, i might pick her up cause mama's having a tea party. doesn't that sound quaint? right now, once the pinch evaporates, i will run to the farmer's mkt. if you didn't know, there's one every sat a.m. out front of montgomery world plaza on F st near golden state. an rx said it's worth the extra dough, if you can swing it, to get organic. i just know the apples i got there a few wks ago were juicy-sensational! ...missed my friend british bard david nigel lloyd's show last night at dagney's due to being under the weather, but here's his site: www.davidnigellloyd.com - did see an awesome harvest moon, fecund-golden in the night, over duck park (central). if you haven't been to central pk, directly behind the art museum, thru which the kern river is prettily channeled & darling ducks wiggle & swim, GO!!! it's one of the nicest things around... did you read about the old man who saved the other from pit bull attack? while others took pix/video of the former being ripped to shreds by the dogs, or stood by frozen in horror, 67-yr old andy castaneda used his cane to beat off the dogs, saving the other guy's life. we have heroes amongst us!! bakersfield: we can walk our wide sts @ night in relative quiet & safety, we run into one another in passing @ the mkt or strolling downtown, our traffic isn't too too too bad: yes, i guess this place (except for particulate smog, brain drain, & scary jingoism-fundamentalism) isn't so bad in some ways... yes, if discussions of politics & religion generally are avoided, we are some nice folks, relative to some places!
ok, enough stalling, time to go get in a few miles... may your wkend be very, very, very long... & mine, too! :)

gratitude

ohhh... have a headache/sore throat & am being attacked by delusions of obesity. time for a gratitude list!
1. being a dusk devil; 2. pizza & chicken & fries w/the fellers last night on randy claus; 3. not too hot these days in bakersfield; 5. planning & imagining & dreaming up another band trip; 6. gina marie & toni; 7. learning new songs last night; 8. randy's nice kid; 9. the comedy team of philbert & krambo; 10. my little shelter; 11. reading interesting book called nickeled & dimed (donated by woman who read my article in the paper); 12. spoke spanish a lot today at parent-teacher conferences & really enjoyed it, tho i likely sounded mentally challenged & my brain hurt afterward; 13. compliment from school grandma on article on importance of libraries that the cal ran 2 wks ago; 14. running the track & just being around the nice kids at our school; 15. friendly, sympathetic chat w/nice school mom who's also getting divorced; 16. will hang out w/family tonight & do my laundry; 17. stephanie & sylvia; 18. free californian at the farmer boy restaurant contained cryptogram & pic of beaming brown old man who saved another from pit bulls by beating them off w/his cane (it just made you blubber to read it, or at the least, be moved); 19. egg sandwich w/lettuce at farmer boy; 20. alice & other nice people at my school.
21. about to lie down for a quick snooze before an appt i hope will continue to extricate my head from my can. the hour has arrived...zzzzzzzz....

rest in peace, jay; halloween at cal; "fair is foul, & foul is fair: hover through the fog & filthy air"

->this past wkend i saw again that contradiction, confusion, even calamity can make the life-path more clear. usually i heed & cultivate & covet my joys; however, then, having nearly fetishized the "happy" & transcendent experience, when misery hits, i magnify & pathologize it: I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY!! WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY??? (continue w/self-pity script). but really, of course of course, as all a-dults know, misery's a part of life, a prompt to action, a message, a whisper or kick from the universe to get cracking. to quote zombieland, "time to nut up or shut up!" which i take to mean, get moving, stop whining, no half measures. for out of action, spurred by misery, revelation, growth, improved closeness to other humans can bloom... what a change of mind & life i got to have by leaving this "filthy air" for a wkend!
-> 1st, this: jay & cece were friends from the motorcycle trips i used to go on. they were the most perfectly matched duo: hard-core sf-born stone-cold bikers, recovered & into service, short, stocky, long-haired, cheerful in the grateful way of sober people who've been rescued from a common peril & realize it. they were such great examples of happy sobriety, sponsoring tons of people. on summer trips, jay & johnny (& woody if he was in the rm, too) would make the hotel walls & ground shake w/their snoring in a cacaphonous thunder that was sort of funny cause it made all us non-snorers in the rm feel like we were snow white w/the 7 dwarves, mebbe.
-> brian & i went to visit jay & cece one time at their place up in gold country & cece & i did wii sports, which was huge fun i'd never done, then we all went to this italian trattoria housed in a big wooden building & to a speaker mtg. when they'd stop thru bako en route home from parker, az, where they'd set up their enormous rolling 2nd home for the spring & summer, cece & i would sing everly bros @ the piano. cece is a great harmonizer, her dad having traveled the country in a barbershop quartet back in the '50s. she also told incredible stories about being the little queen of the portuguese church she attended, of her aunts crawling on their knees to approach her, all gussied up like a tiny bride, at the altar.
-> i write this bc sunday while i was in berkeley, all those friends whom i don't & maybe won't seen anymore held a wake for jay, who passed on last month. b wrote me that jay woke up w/a sore back, went to the rx, & was told he had systemic cancer. it took him faster than it did uncle henry (june 18). wise, friendly jay is much missed by all, & i hope the many sponsees whom he helped show the way will continue to carry the msg of recovery. if you know cece, or just want to post something for her, i'll pass along condolences. she is a great little lady, such a champ.
-> berkeley was swell. left the valley smog for the east bay, staying again at the piedmont house hostel, & walked telegraph, shattuck, university, ate crepes, loved zombieland & the most delicious caramel popcorn @ the shattuck moviehouse more than i thought i ever would (never seen such a combination of X-rated gore [closed my eyes a lot] & warm-heartedness), went to bookstores, novelty stores, enjoyed the breezes, dined at angeline's cajun cafe to the wonderful sounds of nola tunes, felt aged & tired but then ultimately not unhappy amongst the droves of laughing, squealing, bellowing berkeley kids in their halloween fineries, got in my costume (pic from last yr & this below)) & drove to alameda to tammy & byron's & visited while they passed out candy (old-school punk & rockabilly slapped away in the background & tammy & sarah & byron cracked foul-mouthed jokes - declaring us all "wenches" & "scurvy mates" - in that cool mix of irreverence & love for life that the livelys have). cruised alameda's main drag, then navigated thru oakland & back up to berkeley in the inky night. sunday brought a late, good breakfast & a cheaper & better possible crash pad for next time, followed by an hr at the hot tubs on university. for $17/person ($7 w/coupon), you can steam & soak for a whole hour!!! an affordable spot to soak away worries, relax, take a break: terrific! it was like a one-hr vacation!
-> however, this kind of experience isn't too wise when one next has a 5-hr drive home... eep.... but made it back. belated halloween, all saints, dia de los muertos to all. may your spirit be stirred, soon & often, by the joys & miseries of being, & from them may you have revelation! :)

balancing the grim below

halloween's coming... all st's day... dia de los muertos... so to balance the grim post of yesterday, here are halloween links for today:
bride of frankenstein on youtube - there, you can watch the entire movie in serial form as well as clips from young frankenstein & my own DIY BOF song/video, which appears as "bride of frankenstein (j.a.)." ... in bako, there's bound to be much to do this wkend, tho i'll be in bay area at the study-hostel & i hope at russell quann's teenage dance craze party, or watching soul goblins of transylvania in the mission (both shows are near-free to free)(tho might be too hard to get into the city, even on bart, w/the bay bridge being closed)... can't wait to go back to SF/berkeley, since haven't been but once since my grad from NCOC.
finally, a pic of horror's royal couple (in my opinion). this eccentric british duo were, of course, the hunchback/dr moreau/director of touch of evil as well as the bride/mary shelley...

reality check part bleh

just wrote entire book about my depressing time yesterday. no one needs to read such self-indulgent, depressing blah. deleted it.
just tried to write capsule version (why???) & accidentally hit backspace key & deleted it.
someone/thing is trying to tell me something. like shut the f up.
am sick today w/burning head & swollen throat & soul that feels limp, moribund. it's "going around" (physical pt). maybe ill body, lacking good rest, is sickening my mind? vice versa? can't sleep, feel horrible, like when 1st forced to become a teetotaler. life got better then, so it will get better now. but when?????
divorce is like death. i don't know how to live well & happily in this world right now. thank the universe for gina marie & my band, all of whom i hope to see today. thank the universe for people who continue to put up w/me while i'm on the worst rollercoaster in my life. if this ride doesn't even up, it's gonna kill me.
i am sick. i am going back to bed.

dusk devils oct 09 weekend

some nice things continued to happen this wkend. got opening spot for rev horton heat on new yr's day (thanks, ollllen)! jogged to farmers mkt, found grapes like used to grow across st from grandma's/grandpa's in delano, some nice apples, a good cookie. yum! in dollar tree, they played awesome halloween music: strange days, dr demento, scary monsters! phil arrived to get me & we drove to kern river inn. nice setup, no stress, not too hot. good to great little show! pretty silver-haired nora asked, "are you italian? you have laughing eyes." got compliments again on piano playing. this is happening more & more! my family arrived, including my aunts. joe played some pedal steel. phil got kudos on his awesome guitar playing! mark & randy were rock-solid! we got some great band pix. the band's got some good mojo going, i think... saw some friends! played googoo muck for tammy (livelys came down from alameda!). loaded up, had burritos & tacos @ el taquito. went to cool little oildale place, the branding iron. they had xmas lights up! we're gonna played there before the yuletide. watched token okies, a tight band, for a while til exhaustion overtook us. young lena, bass player's pretty daughter, has lovely voice, a real songbird! tore-up tired, visited for a while w/friend & shared pix of respective wkends. now sit here w/cup of coffee, too tired to get off this chair. however, i love my band, & life sings again. amor y amistad a todos.

"you're the coolest librarian i've ever seen!!!"

:)
a little boy named v, who checks out lots of fantastic four graphic novels from our school library, enthused the above. he & his mom danced while we played (along w/others). he also added, "it's like i have a rock star for a librarian" (&, again), "you're the COOLEST!!" having never seen such a reaction from this boy, i was very pleased!!! little s, who comes to the library every single day on every single break, stood motionless, right by the speakers, & stared w/saucer-like blue eyes, transfixed. "jenny," said mama. "that little girl was mesmerized!!"
so our little show at my school went quite well. :) student j ran sound, & the little guy did better than most soundpeople we've had!! angie & mama came up afterward & exclaimed how good it all sounded. "we should hire the kid!" everyone agreed. it was great to see my family there, too, & a few friends here & there in the crowd...
it was funny, kind of weird, & ultimately really nice to play before all these kids i know as "student" (as well as their families). my bandmates were wholly cool thruout, too: mark danced around & was sillier than usual while performing; phil patiently explained about all his gear to the kids; randy smiled & smiled. before, philbert brought over these gigantic cupcakes his daughter had made, & afterward, we hung out a little @ my houselet & my cooler broke & the guys fixed it & then marko & i grabbed a burger & caravanned to a house party where the wichitas played & i got to see the tidwells & chris goodsell & remember what an awesome frontman olllllllen taylor is. the band was tight, & bruce jones is the best. we all squeezed on the couch to watch the band &, sardined between randy & mark, i got such a kick out of randy, who can be one of the most genuinely happy-seeming & generous-spirited fellows i've ever met. he smiled & smiled & cheered for his friends as they played & complimented everyone around him, too.
time for a cup of joe & then to go for a run before readying for today's show at the kern river inn. the weather's lovely! a happy day to anyone reading this...

this fri & sat… thanks for spreading the word!

(flyer below)
Dusk Devils
10/23/2009 5:30 PM at community carnival and car show
1101 noble ave, bakersfield, california 93305
Cost: free; all ages
OPEN TO THE PUBLIC! we’re doing a short set at washington middle school for this event-fundraiser. they will have hotdogs, ice cream, popcorn, games, prizes, DJ tunes, ranflas, rides, as well as dinner... come out and support this local school and hear the dusk devils, too!! the event runs from 4-7 pm.
Dusk Devils
10/24/2009 2:00 PM at ddevils at kern river inn
north chester just north of the kern river bridge, oildale, bakersfield, California 93308
Cost: gratis; 21 & over
come out and enjoy with us bob’s place on a saturday afternoon. he’s a guy who supports local live music and its musicians! they’ve got great grub, full bar, little dance floor. every time’s been swell at bob’s!

"be true to your work, your word, & your friend": monkey bites & lucky 13 other good things

1. the lost rocker al hendrix (bakersfield's 1st rock & roller!) has a new video - he resembles grandpa munster, but much cooler!: - the original of this song, & my favorite al song, "shaving lotion," is available at http://www.myspace.com/alhendrix1 & read there for more info on swell all, who's coming to bako on nov 1 for pioneer days!
2. at our last show, which went pretty rocky (staid crowd, to put it mildly, more interested in jawing than our music), friends walked in looking like tv actors... one was grinning ear to ear &, not noticing the sedate crowd, swept up this woman & started dancing like mad! he grabbed his camera & wanted to snap pix w/"the star" (me), & altho those pix are perhaps forever lost in his camera/on his pc, it was a nice moment.
3. the evening picked up & i got, more than singing or showmanship, compliments on my piano playing, which is amazing to me...
4. after this seemingly unending eve, philbert & i danced one & he dipped me! philbert, my friend, you are a lifesaver at times & maybe don't even know it. :)
5. randy, such a generous gentleman, chauffeured us there & supped us all up at a nice tehachapi joint. we are so lucky to have him! i need to do what i can to make the evenings less stressful for him, tho... so appreciate randy & the others. :)
6. did super yoga for ONE HOUR!!! it was great fun, but i definitely felt it later...
7. went to kc fair... it was a nice time, tho 200 degrees outside, esp playing w/soap bubbles in the kiddy sci section... then we drove up the hill tw tehachapi to see cesar chavez's grave, beautifully landscaped, at la paz in keene, peaceful, holy, spare, landscaped in a style redolent of new mexico. the quote above chavez's tomb teared me up, but of course i can't recall it now... then we had the most wonderful dinner at la bella amore in tehachapi - glittering lights, great food, etta james piped in (& the owner even knew of etta! so that made two times - the other being when penny knew about prof longhair - that i've met women in kern county who knew the music i do!!!!)... i had a moment of sort of romantic wonder, listening to etta & dreaming on those lights, stepped out of time/place/space, & was grateful, so grateful. life is so beautiful in those brief moments when my vision clears & i really can see...
8. went to LA fair w/my friend donna & saw gorgeous african horticulture, the happy, teeming city that is the fair, no chinese acrobats or sky-tram this yr, just nice hanging-out time w/my dear amiga & her beautiful smart friendly quirky teenagers. donna is all strength, but kind & tender, too, & i'm so fortunate to have known her these 18 yrs... we went to dinner at a place an ex i had in that area used to promise he'd take me (but never did). over chicken fried steak, liver & onions, rolls, baked potatoes, a real hearty home-cooked kind of meal, we laughed & talked about surviving misery & life & men & lessons learned & toasted lee for never taking me there so that i finally could go w/donna...
9. got these crazy skecher shoes called "shape-ups"... they were also crazy-expensive, but how could i say no to the nice shoe saleslady? they already were on my feet. these things are ugly as sin (i wear them, in that sense, in memory of uncle henry, who said i buy all my shoes from "the ugly shoe store"), but just walking in them straightens your posture & works your legs & rear! that's right, just walking in them makes you healthier! you're supposed to wear them for 25 mins & slowly build up, but of course i wore them for 4 days straight & was sore as a mule!!! i'm sure it's just a trend, but what terrific fun in footwear...
10. my friend gary wray's talking about making a little short film, silent movie style, in which greg goodsell & i'll play kids! ha! it sounded from our conversation like john waters meets little rascals. perfect! :) we're looking for 3 actorly types to play hobos... please email me if you've got a real mug & would fit the part!
11. every day, & especially during the "hard times" from which i've recently emerged, i go to work & thank the universe for the students at my school, angels, all... if i pay attn,1there's no way to disavow life when amongst such promise & innocence; they make a person happy to be there, to watch them grow, to appreciate them. they refresh!
12. the weather's cooling & the best time of yr (besides spring) has arrived. the weekend was wonderful (w/one speed bump). a smartly-presented education seminar at csub affirmed a lot i already know & contained an interesting exercise involving one of my favorite novellas, "dr jekyll & mr hyde." saw big dan there as well as a few good people from the past... my sister angie worked her butt off at via arte, the annual sidewalk art show at the mktplace. my sister is talented, a survivor, funny, smart, stylish, & generous w/her students. she is a good role model for me in these ways, as is dad & beautiful mama, who has been coming to school regularly to help my little valerie learn to read. valerie read words for me for the 1st time today, after working w/mama, & her little face glowed w/such gratitude & happiness, how could i say there's no god in nature? if i really think of it, i want to blubber, so let's move on except to say mama is an angel & i'm so proud to be her daughter. :)
13. my little house lately is comfortable, warm, & homey. i watched movies this wkend, scary & imaginative, & tonight look fwd, after bba hw, to reading (thoreau, how the beatles destroyed rock&roll). friendships continue to build & deepen & i've been assured that as i clean out the crap, have realizations, & my faith becomes freed to grow, so will my patience, love, trust in others, honesty. i believe they will, if i work for them, & i want to do the work! anything's better than where i was these past months... am grateful for so many: gina marie, brigette, amy, pat, jani, angie, donna, dan, dan, art w, art f, m.mike, thursday & sunday friends of bill, facebook friends, students, mom & dad, aunt rita, work friends, linda, brian. tomorrow i get to see strong, loving, honest gina marie, then practice w/my 3 of my favorite guys. life is good & i'm so glad i lived out the gloom. love to you who read, & oh wow: read these!: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/h/henry_david_thoreau.html
& now, "it's good for the young, good for the old, i like myself a little rock & roll, so come on"...

i'm gonna take you to the county fair...

well, the school carnival, anyways. :) please consider coming out to support our school, located in east bakersfield... it's where my sister & i went as kids, & now i teach there! dad's got me beat: he taught at TWO schools where he'd been a student! our students are really nice kids; maybe you'll stop by on the way to another friday evening event... thank you for spreading the word!

the doom has lifted: long live la vida

read here about the world's oldest man & tell me you don't feel a bit better: world's oldest man
here's one about relative whippersnapper rita levi montalcini, a mere century old: italian centurian
got marked-down bagels from my favorite organic coffee stall around the corner & came home to find an inspirational kind of pin in my mailbox from my sponsor! then started watching a scary movie i got from the $1 store because its box had accolades. i think it's a bit too scary for me to finish right now, this late, this dark! i will maybe get brave & continue it, anyways... in a small role is monstrous young actor michael shannon, who either looks like christ or a highway killer, depending on the role; had an ADD flash & looked him up online & ended up on the roger ebert article about sobriety: positively inspiring! then chatted w/jani, phil, randy... then went to kickboxing, & what fun! then my home mtg was just wonderful: longtimer gentleman jack showed up! many folks talked about feeling crappy these past many wks, thinking of the bottle, so i realized i'm not alone, & this particular plane crash in my life doesn't have to be the end of the world... jim b. became a kindergartner (5th bd) & we all sang to him. dan had brought champagne cake from smith's, & sally, a card. art w pulled a prank on me. amanda, mark, carlos, julie b, joe, janet, rudy, steve, everyone was so nice. my 2nd family: i've missed them.
time to do some step work now... this wkend will bring sushi dinner w/family, visit w/doggy boys, the kern county fair (i hope), sun morning mtg (hope i run there), & a fun gig @ some country club in the mountains sat night. we're all riding over together in randy's cowboy cadillac, & i love riding all together, since i love my bandmates. we'll dine in tehachapi someplace randy knows of (i'll bet it'll be swell). life is good.
i echo to you art f's advice to me lately: "hey! la bas!"
pat's pin to me: "the best way to predict your future is to create it." i found my canvas, so am gonna get to painting, i believe. someone told me recently "when you make up your mind to do something, you do it." i'm a-doing again, i hope: time for positive action. feliz fin de semana!!!

phil alvin is still the awesomest in the world, as are my friends, & i rest my case.

here's the url, if the above video's not there: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YM3X2fxf79o
i really like & often love inspired oddballs & crazies, tho will never make my life w/one & am working on not being one myself. am not perfect by a mile, but gimme a little richard, robert mitchum, jason williams, herzog, jerry lee, orson welles, bukowski, sterling hayden, timothy carey, a few "real" people i know, etc., any day over the conformist "good-looking" or "attractive" or "successful." insanity & creativity, there's a definite link, & maybe that's what grabs me. creative people, the ones who don't care what society says is "right," make this world! yes, they can be selfish & a**holish, but also i think they're brave, & moreover, movers & shakers (tho in the moment, they may just look nuts). w/o them, culture stagnates, reverts to dark ages. but one aspect of my ardor definitely worries me: someone told me today "we pick people whom we think we deserve" & further that someday my picker will fix & the crazies won't interest me anymore & i won't interest them bc i'll be too healthy & happy. i guess i have to be willing to get to this place, tho.
for now, give me phil alvin over any young "stud." at least phil's interesting to listen to. and boy, he puts on a heck of a show. not to mention the looks. that guy's made to be on the stage. (friends of phil may comment.)
tonight, i recognize how important in my life are these things: family, friends, students, job, & my band of friendly eccentrics. actually, my band members are a great balance of goofball odd ducks (well, randy doesn't seem so odd, but what a swell guy). not to mention that they are strong musicians & kind people.
am so lucky for so much, & that's where i need to keep my eye. re this slump i'm in, you should see the emails i keep getting. it's mind-blowing. in the tiniest way, i know how candye kane must've felt when she found out she had cancer & was flooded w/love & support. (candye is now healthy, thanks, i think, to all that love & a radical change in diet & atittude.) i can't say enough how much i appreciate anyone who's emailed or messaged me to tell me "it's gonna be ok." you are all angels, & i'll keep your correspondence always.

pic of my higher power; all i want's a pepsi (&apiano)

just kidding. sort of.
here are 2 pix from yesterday. i wanted to get more, but mark & randy were drenched in sweat moving gear & then we launched into a marathon music session, but at least i got these. joe on pedal steel,

randy on drums, my friend philbert, mark, it was a draining but gratifying experience. heck, this guy came up & told me, "you know rod piazza & honey? [of course i know OF them, tho i don't know them] well, i thought she was the best female piano player i'd heard til i heard you." good lord - honey learned to play from otis spann records! otis spann! yes, i was grateful for the compliment, & all the ones i & we got. then shantell & i were talking about putting together a female cramps revue for halloween. good gravy! that would be so cool! yes, we are all so lucky to have song, to be wading in the stream of music, as phil alvin said. to be pumping away at my piano & look back & see the guys smiling w/excitement & happiness as we all rode a tune, well, what could be more exhilarating? (can't think of anything at all at this exact moment. not a one.) we were a team, the band & the audience, sharing in a swell rockin exuberant time. wow.
we played for 4 hrs, then quit & i sort of crumbled in exhaustion, but got to go grab a little down-home grub & get to a mtg w/jani & mark & hear gentle jani speak as well as a woman from the pacific group who was witty but left me feeling curiously empty.
then i came home & went insane, as has been happening, but i didn't drink & didn't have to call 9-1-1, so the day was rode out & put up & i got to live one more time. life's scary lately, but i seem to be a survivor, tho only the universe knows in the end, i guess.
today's been a bit brighter: played music at my higher power (see above) & worked on a different approach to the bigbk & listened to wonderful mix cd from art fein & gene taylor sent me a song via email & i got 2 incredible, supportive emails (plus kindly note from af) from people i didn't even think i was that close to, but i sure feel close to, now, for taking the time to help me feel like it's worth it & encouraging me to not give up, & what the heck have i got to be miserable about?????
enemy between my ears, this is no longer dramatically invigorating or an interesting existential dilemma. you are killing me.
the only thing to fear is fear itself, said one of the roosevelts, & fear's been grabbing me by the head lately, grabbing me & swinging me around like some wild demon, jezebeth, pyro, lilith, verin, vetis, asmodeus, argggh... but then the good of the universe returns the music & the love of others & restores hope, at least for now.
the enemy doesn't listen, so it seems imperative to turn all together away from it in surrender & toward the good stuff. (insert biblical quote about evil.) i can see now how the little richards, elvises, & jerry lees believed so fervently in the lord or the devil. the dichotomy gives a seemingly clear-cut reason for these times of madness & despair, the evil of the world. certitude of the origin of this would sure be nice. selfishness & self-centeredness or beelzebub? the latter would be easier to accept. otherwise, i am my own hell.
do believe (again) that where there's life, there's hope. am not pushing up daisies yet. so there is hope, & may there be for you, too... as usual, i don't know what i'm babbling about, so time to go. amor vincit omnia. i hope.

angels, psychobabble, extracting head from rear

i have many angels in my life, but the ones of primary focus here are A & P. call it therapese, new-age gobbledy-goop, recovery spiel, i don't care; this stuff is gold. here are some nuggets i hope are useful to you, too, if you're reading this:
1. when communicating, use this general feedback technique [it's called an "i" message; ironically, i taught this in conflict resolution training yrs back. do i remember to use it? heck, no...]:
a. describe what i see/hear (what they say/do – this is the only part about the other person)
b. disclose/own my emotional state/response (this pt’s about me)
c. state/ask for what i need/want (this pt's also about me)
ex.: when you hug me, i feel cared about because i need physical touch.
when you tell me what to read or think, i feel resentful because i want to decide for myself what is appropriate for me.
2. although i might understand or justify why a person is how s/he is, i don’t have to make a life with her/him.
3. i have the right/privilege to decide how to spend my time, even if it's inconvenient &/or hurtful to others.
4. the higher the stress, the lower the level of coping we resort to.
5. past unfinished business must be completed. the only way out is through. old traumas that have been stored in the body ask to be discharged. this is not a bad thing. painful events are being re-experienced. this is a sign that healing is taking place. although i am tempted to run, i need to feel it. it will diminish.
6. what others do is not about me, even if it’s painful or wrong to the world or to them.
7. my reactions are only about me.
8. if i try to fix, "help," or control others, i don't have to be quiet & look & see what i have (w/in myself, what others "have" emotionally)
9. in love, all unresolved issues from childhood start to try to be played out. this will happen no matter who the beloved is & will continue to happen until the past is resolved.
10. your interpretations of events will be different than mine. we each have different bodies, genes, experiences, histories. we will have individual reactions to life. altho some people we meet might seem to have similar reactions (are "compatible"), they, too, are different & separate than we are. this difference doesn't make them "bad" or "good" (unless their actions are morally or legally objectionable to you) - it just makes them different than you, a separate person, a body that has lived a life separate from yours.
11. what do i see when i stop analyzing & merely observe? this is scary bc if i'm not trying to control, i might not like what i see/realize about myself & others.
12. A's definition of love: "I want for you what you want for yourself, and if it’s not what I love, I still want to help you get it."
sh*t.
no, these wisdoms ain't mine, but maybe i'll glom on to some, if i keep hearing them. and if i live to be a thousand.

w o w ! ! !

- oh boy, did we sound good tonight! that might sound arrogant, but oh well, it's true, in my estimation. we're playing w/pedal joe steel this saturday at the kern river belle, 2-6 pm. the belle's on the southeast corner of north chester directly over the kern river bridge, on the oildale (north) side of town. it's a tiny, biker-friendly, friendly-in-general honky-tonk saloon. they have a little dance floor, like austin's ginny's little longhorn saloon, & great food, too!
- hope you'll come out for the show, & tell your friends, too... like i just intimated, i was having wonderful austin flashbacks tonight, w/joe sawing & soaring away on that lap steel (or is it pedal steel? i'm too tired to know, just know he sounded awesome) & randy bringing in the drums in perfect uptempo country rhythm, & of course, w/philbert the human jukebox singing mightily from his big dreamsicle gretsch & mark, cucumber-cool, on the electric bottom. to think these guys are this good, & also this nice & fun-loving! being part of this rockin ensemble's like being one's own rollercoaster. it's a happy deal.
- yes, please come out & see the dusk devils, featuring our new drummer rockin randy journey. we'll put on the best show possible for all, including ourselves. believe me, it's gonna be fun, so hope you'll consider it!! (for the rest of our upcoming shows, please click here: dusk devils myspace )

this evening completely sucks

...altho i'm not on the street, nor drunk, nor totally nuts.
so maybe there is hope. of course there is. where there is breath, there is hope.
circle of life, please cycle me back to the good stuff. these last many months, well, i don't know if i've learned my lesson, but i'm tired of this crap.
if you're reading this, may the crap you slog thru be shallow. and help me remember when in that crap bag that the zipper's on the inside. and i'll try to help you remember, too.
crap.

thanks for sharing

castor oil is the most vile substance known to humankind. this morning i had posted a screamin' jay hawkins song that portrays my current misery, but it was too humorous about the horrid topic, so i deleted it. my sense of humor is hamstrung, lying on the floor in a writhing pile!! in attempts to be positive that things will get better, i post here my favorite of his songs.
castor oil... VILE!!!!!!! take it & be reduced to praying for quick death!!!!

POST 400!!!!!!! (good gravy)

-> just got back from nice evening w/family, concluding w/nighttime run on the bluffs at panorama pk (dramatic pic from mrs'melinda on flickr is pretty much what it looked like, tho it was darker & more mysterious-glimmery). in my probably-too-cynical view, this city's not done enough to make this place an interesting & diverse & culturally-rich hometown of which to be proud, but in my adult life "they" HAVE installed some niceties that don't involve conspicuous consumption or debt incurrence, such as the bike path, the beale library, CALM, a few of the city pks (i save my greatest happiness for when "they" restore hart pk)... but the nicest nicety of all, i think, is what they did to "the bluffs." a rough guide smear of bksfld derisively commented that the only vw in this town overlooks oil fields; you could smell disdain steaming from the ink. my thought: of COURSE it is, city slicker! & to quote brian, you ain't from around here, are ya?? overlooking "the (oil) dale" & opposite the aging mansions of panorama drive are the bluffs, which served as the old makeout spot/lover's lane for generations of locals. at these bluffs, no doubt scores of young females (me being only one) were embarrassed more than once w/beaux when busted insert latin phrase by cops in the middle of the night. it was just dirt then, dirt that picked up & blew around & made people sick when the dust storms hit, a place if you had a gal or guy you just NEEDED, yet nothing to look at, in fact, a real eyesore. yet, i was offended when they turned the bluffs into a pk. the triumph of yuppiedom!! where will kids go now to fool around??? (i underestimated the ingenuity of hormone-driven youths, who certainly continue to find abandoned shopping centers & dirt fields in freshman attempts to perdure the specie... you gotta admire such tenacity, i spose.)
-> but you should see this pk now! it is a true jewel. the weather's changed & evenings now are wonderful california balmy-cool, but even when summer nights were 100 plus, the meandering path teemed w/families, couples, work associates strolling, laughing, stumbling, jogging, pecking & cooing. i say, now that my knee's stopped jerking on the whole topic, it's wonderful that our community has this treasure.
-> a poem about travel & obligation comes to mind, & tho tonight i had no obligation except to get my carcass home & to bed, i paraphrase: the bluffs are lovely dark & deep, and i have promises to keep, and miles to go before i sleep, and miles to go before i sleep. (actually, it's only 3.65 miles (approx) out & back, from manor/panorama to panorama/alta vista.)
-> if you're here &'ve never tried it, hit the bluffs some cool evening to see a lovely side of bakingfield that might help you feel a bit less hopeless about this place.