mo songs

gratis

lots of meetings focus on the topic of "gratitude," & my 1st thought's always how the root is gratis --  free. my new sponsor has told me to keep a gratitude journal... it's helping! if your mood runs to the sour & you're not too hip to be cornball, you might try one! each day, it's not much of a stretch to think of 10 little things to be happy about... beyond being sober, of able body, w/basic needs met, & loving family/friends, here are my 10 right-now gratitudes:

1. clifton chenier "bayou blues," one of the 5 greatest LPs ever made!

2. flamingos "lovers never say goodbye" w/its dark, diablos-like romance & spike jones kiss moment;

serious times w/sister.

3. tarheel slim "number 9 train," so ebulliently rockin' about heartache, it makes a person feel so less alone & able to bear anything & in fact wanna go out & boogie!

4. piyo videos on youtube (develop explosive power! even if you're a vieja like me!)

5. beautiful evening walk/hike through surrounding hills fragrant of forest w/blue light magical & dreaming of pearl & jackie (tho i'm not sure if they are children or canine children at this point)...

5. made jambalaya for james & it didn't suck! in fact, he ate a bunch of it! it was tasty! when i try, i CAN cook! so touched to think of our vow & understanding & time together so dear.

6. praying & chanting for all, from those i love to those whom i have thought pond scum -- the latter are just people, too! duh! such freedom, not to worry what others are up to... do your thang, popular people!! when i see them or similars again, my job is to be a positive force, grateful for each experience.

7. everyone's our teacher -- some how to act, some how not to act. must remember the 14th dalai lama when acting/reacting.

8. i no longer wish a fatwa on people who hurt my most beloved, whether intentionally or not. karma might take care of all, or it won't -- it don't matter! his higher power will provide for  him, as it will us each & all, if we heed it... and anyways, as mama has said, "living well is the best revenge."

9. wrote 3 new songs & the creative urge is still there & thank you for that, spirit from whence it comes...

10. today is maddy's graduation, & i'm excited for her present & future as well as can't wait to see family & loved ones... happy weekend!

blablablablablablablablablablablablabla blablablablablablabla

hey! just saw a hare hopping up the side of the mountain! its dark floppy ears & tail contrasted its wheat-colored body... i love being in nature all the time, tho the winds of late have been knocking out cell phone reception -- boooo! just came back from an interview at a local country school -- oh, hope i get something there, volunteer or paid, custodian to lunch lady to aide to teacher. i miss being in a school atmosphere, & this little school is so charming & the employees i met so down-to-earth & friendly... either way, i'm grateful to've gotten the opportunity to apply.
before the hare came along & happied everything up, i was thinking so fuddy-duddily on how un-fun it feels to be growing up... probably cause it's so late in the game! i think most folks grow up in their late teens -- not in their late 40s! it's ridiculous, really, when i think about it, tho i guess some people never grow up at all!
how silly & free & wild i was a few years ago, running around playing in a bunch of bands & driving all over the place & wearing stage clothes & makeup & going to events & being mad in love & w/o responsibility & & taking airplane trips all over the world & throwing money around like candy... but then there were the dark times, & they were really dark back then -- definitely worse than i experience now!!
the big book says by getting sober -- in this case, emotionally -- i might fear being consigned to a life that is "dull, boring & glum" -- that's what's going on for me right now! i don't wanna be a grownup & responsible & emotionally contained! the immature part thinks that means i'll lose my creativity, my life force, my eccentric identity... but the downside of staying so volatile? forget it. i'll just feel like an old fart for a while as i go through this process of change...
the answer's to stay diligent to what i've been pursuing: g.o.d., more prayer, more meditation, more uncovering, discovering, discarding. it's tough to continue cause in the last two days especially i've been realizing what a selfish ass i can be: impatient, judgmental, intellectually prideful -- that's some hard sh*t to accept! my new sponsor says it's timely to be realizing these defects, since i just finished my 5th step w/her & i now look at personal shortcomings. "now that you're starting to see them, you can start to get past them," she said, always so encouraging & loving... i'm so lucky to have her & so many other wise beautiful people in my life... but meanwhile, i want to barf when i look at how i've been behaving, when all along i thought i was so nice!!
hopeful that the more work i put in inventorying & cleaning up the store called jenny, the better store it'll be, a bright & cheery one full of useful things... my little sister angie would run w/that metaphor & would make you both laugh & nearly cry w/recognition & acknowledgment of the wisdom of her words.  lalalalalala! ... now i'm thinking of my sister -- she has the combination of maturity & playfulness i want. but i know she's worked hard for it & continues to do so w/her preacher husband & best pal, that deep & friendly barrel called doug. i can look at them & know that perseverance & hard work on this will bring change. look at the dalai lama -- he still meditates three hours a day!
"we are renewed by a transformation of the mind." and
"rome was not built in a day." :)
oh, and here you go, one more -- oh my gosh! gem after gem after gem!: dalai lama quotes

Four Dogs Praying Before Dinner (Japan)

   videos of dogs playing piano: ... one of the videos mentions an astounding claim that deserves a loud OMG! here is a short article on the topic: dogs have perfect pitch
WOW!!!!
i hope we get a dog or dogs soon. angie used to say, "dogs are proof of god." dad would say, "they are like children that never get any smarter." such love; such loyalty; such companionship; and, apparently, such musical aptitude!

"i am dissatisfied, and i want it to be your fault" - sonny boy williamson

procrastinating & continuing to fail are much easier when i can blame you. if you -- or my job/lack of, or where i live/don't live, or anything external -- are not my problem,  i'm forced to look at myself. crap! i don't want to look at myself! -- not my faults & defects, that is... dorking around online, presenting a cultivated image of me on social networking sites, presenting a persona when in public, that's different; i like all that cause no one -- including me -- gets near the real me that way. if you really knew me, you'd reject me, goes my thinking -- & if i have frustration, anger, upset, if i don't succeed or accomplish what i'm supposed to, it is your fault, not mine! do i want to admit deep-down i might be the cause of my own problems -- that i'm scared, angry, lonely, selfish, jealous, depressed, worried about failure & mortality, that i can't control what you do or think, that i'm filled up w/deadly sins? no way!
it takes a lot of courage, i think, to drop the rock & admit powerlessness, to admit defeat, surrender to a force much wiser & greater than i am, then have to find the humility to admit my defects so i can start to be  free of them... only then can i start taking responsibility for myself & learn to grow up. that's what i think, anyways, of people i know who give up & embrace a new, positive life of recovery from whatever is replacing god -- obsession w/others, drink, drugs, eating disorder, video games, violence, whatever external that's giving me that temporary feeling of being ok, even transcended. one definition i read of surrender is "to give up & go to the winning side." i add to that, i must drop my weapons. (no, i've never been to war, & i've not even held a firearm in probably 25 years, but i can understand that analogy well enough, i think...)
i'm no frigging saint at all when it comes to emotional surrender, but i know i'm gonna keep trying. the big book says my very life depends on my constant thought of others, how to best meet their needs -- i believe this assumes i've already worked the steps, been shed of judgment & resentment & excuses, & therefore am fit to be of service. it also says my serenity is directly proportionate to my acceptance of the world AS IT IS.
if i can't accept you just the way you are, not only am i not loving & growing, i'm living in fantasy land, ripe to fall back into the rotten world of illusion, pipe dream, &, for me, failure. 
at a recent meeting, a woman shared that she was complaining about something or other & her sponsor said, let me see your hands. the woman showed them. sponsor said, i don't see any nail holes.
"there are no victims -- only volunteers."
(i wrote this for me & for you, whomever you are reading it. may it be helpful!)

my cuppeth run over

a swell day of happiness & hamburgers.

always remember: don't panic. and bring a towel. (james & angie via douglas addams)
always remember: when you're in a bag of sh*t, the zipper's on the inside. (texas stacy, r.i.p.)
you can't make chicken salad out of chicken sh*t. (aunty rita)
sometimes peanuts, sometimes shells. (uncle henry, r.i.p.)
the lord has great things in store for you & james! (brother doug)
keep me green so i may grow. (mud, r.i.p.)
you can't drink! you're a sober soldier! now get out there & start savin' lives! (clancy o)
i believe in you.

"someday, son, all of this will be yours." - gilbert the great

(me)

Mom&Dad &Mrs. Hughes, doing what they do so well: good works.

Three of my favorite people on earth - hat from Big Manny.

you can try & try as hard as you can (waiting for arrival of spouse)

quite fun. blablabla.

just try a few & see if you don't enjoy them... i bet you will...
love reading the NYer magazine for its cartoons, cheap subscription price, subject matter, but also bc doing so increases vocabulary. yesterday, lachrymose, disconsolate, obdurate, & the ridiculous rest, i found myself taking one of my anti-anxiety pills i so rarely take & it knocked me out so hard, today i've been capable of little more than keeping myself conscious... i'd be out like rip van winkle, were i to take more than the doctor-approved dose -- or worse!
kinda depressing being this way, all dumb-headed & drooling-noodlish-supine, but then  the above website popped up & perked me back up.
took the SAT about 100 years ago, performing abysmally in math (to do better would've required study, which i assiduously DID NOT), but landing a 99%ile in language. i think that 99%ile's  been my lifetime crowning test feat, tho must remember i AM a "1st world" person raised in libraries  -- free entertainment, mom & dad wisely realized, affording us access to the entire world on a zero budget! -- therefore demographically more likely to kick butt on standardized tests, written by/for people like me... so can't get a big head about it!
but if only the world were a standardized test... i'd be a queen!
w/in the world's languages, there's a word for most all phenomena (it's a rabbit- or wormhole of exploration, this topic/field)... so grateful to sit here in a lightweight's clouded stupor, brain disabled by a devilish, tiny powerhouse of a pill, yet able to gain words.
for instance, whereas scrooge initially was not given to eleemosynary impulses, our parents -- of whom we are so proud & will honor  sunday -- definitely ARE.
in 46 years, i'd never seen such a word. in appearance, likely cause i'm kinda loaded on this little pill, it reminds me of  the movie the grand budapest hotel... what a nice day, if just for that word & that silly association...
(ps - here's another fun website)
(and pps - always remember a word a day)
(ppps - i edit & revise these entries incessantly obsessively ad nauseum, almost, cause for me it's fun & also i keep thinking the more i contemplate & reconfigure my words & thoughts, maybe in some crude alchemy i'll get closer to the Truth of Things... do you do that, too, in writing or ruminating or in your own way?)
"ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. ^for every one who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened." (matthew 7:7-8)
james, this link is for you  and this one, too, honey (and anyone else who is interested, of course...)

there are two kinds of people in this world...

(dualistic thinking sometimes provides satisfying shorthand for the complicated world of emotions although in the end, such thinking is problematic, creating "you" versus "me.")
... users & givers.
...my kind of people and a**holes. (pink flamingos)
... people who have accomplished things and people who claim to have accomplished things. the first group is less crowded. (mark twain)
... people who like good music & people who like bad music. (me)
... those with loaded guns & those who dig. (unforgiven)
... two kinds of failures: those who thought and never did, & those who did & never thought. (l.j. peters)
 _________________
a poem (dan pink):
Those who make your life easier — and those who make it harder.
Those whose presence helps you perform better — and those whose presence makes you do worse.
Those concerned about doing the work — and those concerned about getting the credit.
Those who leave you feeling up — and those who leave you feeling down.
Those who simplify — and those who complicate.
Those who listen when others are talking — and those who wait when others are talking.
Those who give — and those who take.
Those who last — and those who fade.
Which are you?
 _____________________________
... karma ultimately will settle all of this,
although i am learning that one can change one's own karma. 
so if you're a user, an a**hole, the one w/the loaded gun, or some other negative type listed above, you don't have to stay that way unless you want to. (james: definition of "coward" and "hero" - they are the same, but the hero keeps going, even though afraid)

Sister Rosetta Tharpe - Down By the Riverside

was gonna title this entry "strange things happening every day," then post a video of sister rosetta doing that song, but couldn't find footage of her performing it -- elsewhere on this blog is the iconic film of her doing "let it rain" & again, youtube: what a wonderful resource! it right now features the documentary of SRT that aired on PBS. wow! anyways, strange & wonderful things have been happening, perhaps coincidence or perhaps activated by all the positive energy of the weekend, during which i met so many unconditionally loving, generous-spirited, happy people, my faith in humankind & the universal good was very much strengthened... this weekend, my buddhist hostess, mentor, & friend jackie told me, in so many words, that when a person starts [a positive practice], the universe begins to shift & events can become unsettled, but that the end result will be improvement all-around, even victory in life.
- i have felt uncomfortable w/terms like that, ones suggesting to me battle or competition, but i've been trying them on, & guess what? small miracle after miracle have been happening. i came up to the mountain to continue making room for two and... today, buford, or black dog, whom i've not seen since right before james & i got married, came bounding & slobbering up, wearing a big doggy smile. long-lost buford! there he was! i went to the post office & was told i owed payment for a package. "they do that when they return a stolen wallet," the lady said.
- "the last wallet i had stolen was over a year & a half ago," i said, feeling pleasantly, mildly unsettled, "the day after i got married..."
- i paid, she handed me the package, & an uncanny kind of chill ran through me: i ripped open the envelope. it was my stolen wallet from 2012, containing things i thought i'd never see again: picture of james from our courting months, my sobriety coins, other mementos, my credit card, my old id. coolest of all to find was a receipt from the stateline primm, nv casino, which was the last gambling place james & i stopped after getting married in las vegas.
- at the thrift store, i had bought a pillowcase, sweatshirt for me, & some shorts for james. hmm, thought i, i'm on a roll here. i've never found money in used clothes in my over 2 decades thrift shopping, but wonder if there's any in here? i reached in the cargo pocket of the shorts & out came green cash money.
- whatever's going on, i hope it continues, but if not, that's ok, too. nam-myoho-renge-kyo.

another day, another blahblahblah

thank you to the commenter below who asked about my tina turner song! inspired, today i eked out a recording of the song, then went nuts & recorded a whole bunch, then got out my snare & the guitar & even my old flute! the song requested below (thank you AGAIN!!!) sounds more little richard than tina turner, which is plenty cool by me! i used an old version of audacity and $3 micromophone that has historical memory for james & me. back at the beginning of 2009, i recorded a song idea for him using it while i sat at the window on the 2nd story of the house i lived in with my 1st husband, gazing out on the bright green, gigantic leaves of the catalpa tree there & croaking like a fool. at that time, i'd never even met james! he had sent me a brief email saying that he "dug" my song "the bride of frankenstein"... that was all i needed: i listened to some of his music, got a song idea, & w/just enough voice after laryngitis, recorded it & sent it to him. he told me he thought, upon getting it, "who IS this woman?" cause with my typical combination of bravado, fear, & desire to get things done yesterday, i scatted & sang the whole song into the cheap mike a cappella, which no sane person would do when submitting a song idea to a complete stranger, especially one of musical reputation like whiteboy james... it actually sounds rather cool, listening to it again... examples of such foolhardiness in my life both make me proud & scare me... ((shudder)).. i've dropkicked & stepped on the microphone-headset since then, so today's recordings have a nice loud monitor-y buzz on them, adding to the verisimilitude of the home recording experience (harharhar)... i couldn't figure out why my drum parts kept coming off time over & over ad nauseum... then i realized my old version of audacity was messed up & could no longer properly track more than one track at a time & therefore really no longer is a multitrack recording program at all! but rather than upload the new audacity, i just played the drum part FORWARD, even off the beat forward... which again, no sane person would do! but it was fun... then i assembled all the james songs together & there are TWENTY on this computer! so i imagine next i'll put some up here, but what i really want is to give them to him, since he was my muse & i'd've not written the songs, were it not for him. :) anyways, tomorrow i get my buddhist scroll & celebrate donna's birthday, then sunday i "get" to do my 5th step... prayers to loved ones for happiness, ease, freedom, & a sense of safety. what i want for me, i want for you, & i'm praying, too, for the ones i don't want to pray for cause we're all in this together & statistics show 100% of us are going to wind up the same way, so that makes us all brothers & sisters in this wild ride, running full steam to the end... byebye, family! :D

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my dumb adventure for this evening: found a rather interesting-looking job online & was going to apply, but then had to update my paypal cause that's how they do payroll, & on a whim i got into an email folder about financial & work stuff & saw a query i'd sent asking where i could get the status of my teaching credentials, thinking to myself, oh, i have one more year before i have to renew, but i'll go look, anyways... and i went to the site and saw that my two precious teaching credentials... expire... today....
aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
my teaching career flashed before my eyes. the many many years as student & teacher flashed before my eyes!! noooo!!! i haven't taught in several years by choice, but this early retirement is over! i want to work again!! i must work again!! i miss students & meaningful work!!
heart pounding, i calmly slowed my eyeballs down so i could read & noted that my credentials would not expire til midnight. oh, thank godinheavenjesusbuddhaallahjehovahgreatspirituniverse oh thank you!!
then i went thru the application process, trying to not freak out & read things wrong:  ever had a felony, ever been dismissed for this & that, signed the affidavit swearing allegiance to the constitution of the united states, went to pay, entered credit card info, & it said my card was declined.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
went to bank website & it said i had money, so called dad & asked if i could use his credit card & as he started to recite the numbers, the phone call dropped. FOUR TIMES!!!!
finally got the info from dad, who was by then both a bit perturbed & anxious, entered his card info. it said HIS card was declined.
i thought, wait a minute: mine might be fruity... but DAD'S card would NOT be declined!! so i pushed "accept" & it went through & my credentials were renewed with 90 minutes to spare. it was the stupid payment website! i thought with great sympathy of all the teachers across california, trying to renew their credentials tonight, being told their cards were declined due to the payment website glitch. poor teachers!!
earlier i was talking w/dad, who is an atheist, yet someone i consider to be extremely spiritual, just inherently so... he gave me his theory that there is no time because there is only change & time is but a measure of observed change & then we discussed whether inanimate objects & the universe contain "good" & etc & it probably was the closest to an epistemological conversation dad & i've ever had... but after the timing of this evening's coincidences, i must say, dad, there must be a god!!
and because of that, i remain this evening a credentialed teacher of grades k-12 in the state of california. :)

your love sets my soul on fire / you could be my one desire...

(i wonder if there's a TT workout video?)

james & i were learning an ike & tina song in our duet, a really awesome song... made me pay a lot more attention to miss anna mae bullock. i am very inspired by her: transformed by buddhism; unbeaten by life's struggles; performing just as fiercely & muscularly as ever at age 70 (she's 75 now & i think retired... but still: quite stirring!). i'd have to do a lot of work to get her arm & shoulder musculature, & that smile is million watt while mine is maybe 500, but... a person of quotidian ways such as me still can dream. tina turner is my latest heroine: i aspire to be indefatigable, strengthened rather than destroyed by life's battles, a spiritual warrior & a rocknroll machine at age 70!! (now let's see what happens...)
i just learned that tina turner is 5'4", like i am -- so her legs can't be THAT much longer than mine! ok, after the meeting tonight, i'm gonna lift weights & do about 1000 squats. maybe in middle & old age i'll have courage to wear short sleeves or (gasp) even go sleeveless! or nah, i'll stick w/what i like... but swingy fringe minis? that might feel fun tacky glamorous...
(by the way, my husband james knew ike turner...)
just found this cool graph: "During a time of girl groups, chiffon and bouffants, there were few ladies rocking as hard as Miss Tina Turner or looking as good doing it. High energy performances coupled with powerhouse rock vocals turned everybody on. Short fringe skirts, high heels and long legs became her trademark and her rock n roll sex appeal is still in tact [sic] to this day. Her very public private life was so fascinating and terrible that no one could look away. And no one wanted to, on account of how hot Tina Turner was." (plasticsgirls.com)

How Meditation Can Reshape Our Brains: Sara Lazar at TEDxCambridge 2011

the part about rats & the amygdala really struck me. i also like her non-slick presentation, her nerdy & sincere desire to transmit information for the greater good.

Jonathan Haidt: Religion, evolution, and the ecstasy of self-transcendence

this is beautiful

i'd do well

to always, always, always listen to my mother and father.
i have so much to absorb from them while we all are here.
i must listen hard & then remember.

Buck Owens and Rose Maddox Loose Talk

boy, i miss harmony singing, especially this so-sincere, full-throated close style. someone i know had a nice rose maddox memory, & of course everyone from bakersfield, me included, has got a story about mister owens. i used to work with someone who loved when people talked about her, loved to stir the pot, swelled up bigger & fiercer the more venom she built up, the more people talked about her, the more she gossiped, the more they plotted, the more she schemed and... i've had those feelings... who hasn't? but dang, it all just makes a person sick, i think.
here are some great quotes; i especially like the ones from e. roosevelt, m. curie, & mother teresa...this terrific song says a bunch.

you'll never never know...

man, one great thing about the ups & downs is the creative bursts! earlier today i wrote a sadsack tune w/a strong bridge, but i'll never perform it cause i never perform or even pitch the bummer tunes; they just stay in their sad little notebooks, poor babies, nursing one another, i spose. writing songs expressing negatives can be kinda like puking, maybe, providing a good purge, allowing you to flush & move on, feeling better already. (wow - what a gross metaphor!)
i took an evening trip & had a wonderful time driving w/o any dehumanizing-horror traffic. (will never be a city person in that regard, accepting carmaggedon as part of life, which it is for the life-long so-cal city dweller.) i explored roads & saw gold & purple wildflowers, then had a delicious pupusa (in memory of uncle henry) & a pineapple-spinach drink w/crushed ice, then attended one of those weird, sparsely-attended, low-bottom kinda meetings that yet always yield/s gems, if one just has patience... a slight, grizzled old man, arms & legs folded & teeth clacking, yes, seeming kinda daft at first, opened his mouth & revealed that good old-time wisdom & gruff humor & heart i so, so love in the program... his joke:
Q: how can you tell if an alcoholic's hit bottom?
A: he stops digging.
something upon which certainly to cogitate! or not.
after that, i had a long good talk w/my sister & realized she's going to be such a splendid therapist, w/her outstanding combination of brains, compassion, humor, & patience... then james & i had a long good talk about all kinds of things, including childhood stories & realizations and... in a flash, thinking about it all, having not just more compassion & sympathy, even empathy, but epiphany  & hope, out poured the most bitchin' kinda song with the above title! if tina turner still puts out albums, i'm gonna submit it to her, & i mean it!!!
i hope i can sleep, with that song in my head... can't wait to record it, but right now, unfortunately, it's too late... soon!
there's nothing like the feeling of knowing you've birthed something really, really good w/your own brain  & hands. new babies all the time... all unique, some disappointing, some good, some fantastic, but all beloved buttercups! insert quotes about the exquisite creative process, the muses, inspiration, transcendence, being a vessel of the universe, dumb happy luck, gratitude, etc... good night to you.

Kiss me deadly / Polibek smrti (Robert Aldrich, 1955) HD (English/Czech ...

it's movie time again. i believe movies helped keep me alive til i started drinking. everything i did til i started drinking reeked of "leave me alone." i was a social inept, & legally blind w/o glasses, to boot. still am pretty backward socially, even after long-ago sobering up. my 1st husband bought me eye surgery in a generous act not-asked-for, so i can see now. i must thank him for that kind gesture cause being able to see really changed my life for the better.
this movie i feature bc not only is it badass & swell & one of the great b-noirs, but ralph meeker is one fine man... that i'd ignore his selfish & mean personality & fixate on his tough boyish manly looks troubles me, but there it is. were young ralph meeker or johnny weismuller alive today, & were i not married, i'd be in hollywood a-looking.
this reminds me of how much i loved the blasters' song "waiting for me" when i was a teenaged girl; desiring the strapping cocky wild-eyed looker who'll surely break your heart each time & you deserve it unfortunately has long been part of my understanding of "love"... all this talk of bad guys & bad habits reminds me that when i fell into a certain circle years back, apparently there were some grumblings i was a cop. me! the biggest chicken in the world! not to mention someone more interested in stopping crime before it starts, w/education & positive attention; not to mention someone w/a past herself... i've been thinking about this today, how my only understanding of the underworld always will be from movies, & i intend to keep it that way. i used to drink, steal, use drugs... but i've long been a citizen, an honorable one, by the way, least nowadays. to use the parlance of '40s noir, i've been a tomato, a dame, a looker, & yes, a boob, sap, & mark, too... but never will i be a con, crumb, rat, snitch, or pigeon. as james would say, "know that."
i don't know to whom exactly i'm writing, but i do know that while i'm still a trembling emotional wreck at times, i'm honest now & will stay that way. in fact, as i get older & stop caring what the world thinks of me but more what i think of the world, i'm only gonna get honester & braver.
hope you love the movie; look closely at the actress in the opening scene & recognize one of the world's greatest comediennes when she was but a young beauty queen neophyte trying to break out in lotusland...

one bookworm, one tough guy, two nerds who love monsters & music: what does it take to stay married?

this is an interesting article that might explain it a little...
- i've been with fellows before & he with females where... it just didn't work & you could see it by a quick glance at a pic. there was no wow, no excitement, no connection obvious -- even in photograph! in worse cases, we were w/humans that not only didn't complement us, they made us look flat-out ugly; people view such pix & feel uncomfortable! you look & wonder: what are they THINKING?
- james makes me look better & i make him look better; it's always been that way. this is one of my favorite pics of us, from the "before" days when things were relatively simple, which means, for us, full of strife & chaos but we were in it TOGETHER -- we lived on that pink cloud that exists at the early stages of all relationships, the one in which you don't really know the person yet & idealize him/her... through it all, we've had chemistry -- some wonderful alloys, some explosions, always mixing, combining, interacting, creating.
the real work, the part that separates men/women from boys/girls, is not giving up once that pink cloud floats away or dissipates... for instance, my folks have been married 47+ years. they are my ultimate role model of sticking with it. divorce has NEVER been an option for them -- not due to religious or cultural mores, but because they understand that diamonds form under intense pressure; that from the sand irritating the oyster's maw comes the pearl; that forests are destroyed by fire to promote new growth; & so on & so on. not to mention that they totally are devoted to one another & realize their talents as complementary, that together they create a whole much stronger, wiser, & fuller than they do individually. even when they sometimes hate each other, which they've admitted, they always have loved each other & always will. in this life, they will never abandon one another; that i know.
when couples reach that realization, i believe nothing can tear them asunder & nothing will cause them to end it unless there has been a total mistake & one or both of them all along have been seriously flawed, unable to overcome what the big book calls "grave emotional & mental disorders"... we still have hope about this experiment, although to stay married 47 years would be quite a feat since by then we'd each be past 90 years old... who knows? i've lived clean for nearly 20 yrs & james has mutant genes. maybe we can last. maybe we can endure.

f word

been really, really, really sick this weekend! couldn't-get-out-of-bed sick... missed-loads-of-important-emails sick... cried-eyes-out-for-days, wanting-to-drink-&-die sick. spoke to mom & dad on the phone & they consoled me, but i consoled them back, reminding them i'm not usually sick like that anymore, like when i was in bakersfield. in my hometown, with its death-cloud air, i was on otc sinus-allergy meds at all times & still was knocked out in bed at least twice a week! don't miss that! yes, i've been sick & it's been a nightmare but it's an anomalous condition for me now, so thank you, great spirit!
feeling a bit better, i'm able to think more clearly & recall this: "pain is inevitable. suffering is optional." ...and make a cartoon video promo for james -- it's all done except for his voice parts, which i hope he'll do. it was so fun to draw the scenes for that, then record the voices & add sound effects...
here's a poem for you. signing off now; over & out.
mind as placid as overcooked noodle
mind as confused as cat in mouth of coyote
mind as fevered as furnace of ants
mind as convoluted as gordian knot
mind as happy as baby with blanket
mind as predictable as tsunami
mind don't mind mind mind

The Hidden (1987)

hope you like this one... golly gee whiz, youtube is so great!

if you're in so-cal looking for stuff to do, there's a clean up at the santa ana river trail, talbert at the trail in huntington beach, tomorrow a.m. 8:30. since tomorrow's earth day, certainly there are many worthy activities a person could pitch in on... there's also another drunk convention around here as well as rockabilly sat & sun at the OC marketplace (fairgrounds)... i'm thinking to go out to that to see my former bandleader, karling, who has a new beau & a new monstery band. that's one thing we had in common when i played for her -- love of monsters: she, vampires; me, frankenstein.

even tho i'm plagued w/sinus & allergy problems these last few days, we are having a nice evening around here & actually a nice week. one thing that's typical around here is, there is no typical. this pic is from this eve; i'd just come in from a run in attempt to shake away my headache & james was mid-art project. lately he's been experimenting w/different art media; it's neat to be around while he realizes this nascent talent.

 for some reason, james jr wouldn't get in the picture with us, tho he was gracious enough to take it. he bowed

off when his dad offered to make him his own face mask. "i treasure my beard far too much," said the young man.

may your weekend be fulfilling & creative & healthy.

crap! crap! crap! crap! crap!

i am mid-practice & was having a good ol time cooking along with james's CD and loaded the 2nd one and it might be my stupid laptop or maybe it's the stupid CD, but it won't play!! argh!! i hate musicus interruptus!! arrrrrgggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!  now have to resort to sheet music so i can keep playing & not get disgusted with myself if i don't have the right improv or melodic ideas -- like slipping from the fast to slow lane, kinda. lately when i play, i get disappointed in myself... am the last two wks in a dry period of songwriting, but i know the rain'll come again; it always does... grateful i have some of my favorite music books here like clifton chenier, boogie woogie hanon, professor longhair, clementi, chopin.... will just have to practice james's band's stuff later. the important thing is to keep playing, so play, i shall!
i don't know why i blogged this, but as mehitabel would say, wot the hell, wot the hell.
may you have a good book, good food, good exercise, good music, good company, good place to rest.

blarhp

we came for a quick trip to the folks' house for easter & have been in food comas all day... recently saw the documentary "food matters," recommended by cody b, so i know what i put in my mouth affects my health in all ways, but it's at this point still too easy to succumb to the lure of good food, especially when cooked by mama... james is still passed out on what my sister calls something like the mari-metha-coca-amphe-crackamine bed (it has amazing sleep-inducing powers) here at mom & dad's, so i'm hoping to be able to revive him soon so we can get to the mountain house where we can pour ourselves into THAT bed & pass out in front of the mountain by sunset... i spent all weekend prior to this at the drunk convention in OC & got to see parts of movies like "flight," "story of bill w," & "arthur" while munching popcorn & as well as attend  many swell marathon & other meetings & move amidst the throngs & crushes of jolly merry people i don't know but yet know, feeling like a safe & happy ghost... i've never gone to an event of such size solo, where i didn't really know anybody, & i liked the extra-anonymity. i could go wherever i wanted, whenever i wanted. angie says it was the same when she took the girls to the anime expo. it was quite pleasing to be alone in that crowd, not feeling lonely at all.. my favorite part of these kinds of conventions is the "sobriety countdown" & easter morn i found myself at the countdown part of the concluding ceremony of the convention, blubbering w/gratitude, enjoying a cathartic cry; you could just feel all the souls in the  auditorium, collectively happy, having escaped disaster together, the generous joyful energy permeating & pervading... speaking of collective happiness, here's a recent pic of me with my dear friend donna & her sis marcie -- they  surprised me by showing up at harvelle's, & i was overjoyed! we all look lovely, i think, as truly happy people do. at the convention, i ran into a friend i've not seen for a decade; again, i jumped for joy! so amazing & wonderful he's found sobriety! he took, then texted my picture to his husband; this couple were always teasing, catty, devastatingly funny, & also loyal & very loving; hubby texted back, "tell her i hate her! the rest of us get old & she stays the same!" nothing is more beautiful than the generosity of spirit that radiates from real happiness, i think, the deep happiness that comes from being in the presence of true loved ones, those one can honestly trust & by which be trusted. there is a shared appreciation, support, loyalty, affection. i treasure every single one of these folks & look forward to forging many, many more such connections as i get older & wiser. i also anticipate relationships i now have to deepen as my spirit continues to change; i want to love, & i want to be loved. i want to be a better human being.
so grateful to have the love i have in my life.
happy spring, easter, time of rebirth, renaissance, positive change.

i'm thinkin'

yesterday i spent a lot of time watching videos of animals. the evening was siphoned away! no meeting, no exercise, no reading... just lots of kittens playing with baby monkeys; colts playing with exercise ball; and my favorites: the dog videos -- lovely, warm-eyed, happily-panting retrievers playing music & posing in prayer & putting away their own bowls, waiting patiently, so eager to please, so beautiful & intelligent.  then i decided to make a few videos for james when he came home. he gets a kick out of them. anyways, today i'm supposed to run many errands but am again distracted by the infernalnet.  i added a few of the newer videos to james's youtube channel, one featuring one of my characters. i have a lot of characters, too, but james is really the only one who knows about them cause, well, he's whiteboy james w/his roaring past & 70 mm personality & i am a polite sometimes-educator, so no one really knows or cares i'm many times just a few steps from the bat factory myself & that's just fine with me...  it's funny how much james as batman looks like the old mad magazine batman. it's funny how easily i can recall & feel being drunk, after nearly 19 years without. it's funny i get to be the organized & nice one while i don't have both my oars in the water a lot of the time... maybe that's just humankindness, our infernal blessed state. don't matter what you think of me, but what i think of you. that's what francis of assisi said, anyways. if that weren't plenty non-sequitors for you, i got more.
here's the channel: whiteboy james's youtube channel NOW WITH NEW CONTENT!
this post sounds really disjointed & erratic, maybe, but i think i'm just hungry. here's wishing us on this day a good place to eat & rest & make waste, but not haste, & of course i mean waste only in the bodily-functionable sense.... (sing to tune of hank ballard): it's peanut-butter tiiiiime / peanut-butter eating tiiiiiiiime....

it says here...

"the average unmarried female 
Basically insecure 
Due to some long frustration may react 
With psychosomatic symptoms 
Difficult to endure 
Affecting the upper resperatory tract." (frank loesser, guys & dolls)
wow - while looking up  those lyrics, which apply, too, to the female/male of any marital status whose "long frustration" is the effort of living in one's own brain, i found this website: www.rhymebrain.com 
james & i have respective conditions that are at times -- gee: how to put it? -- a bit troubling, an inconvenience, a pain, yes; horrible, tragic, horrifying, perhaps; a test of one's mettle, surely; our crosses to bear, i could describe them, what w/easter upcoming (gee, that sounded crass, maybe); but why write a book about it all now?... the upswing is lots of creativity, so there's always two sides to the coin.
how many more cliches can i pack in these paragraphs?
just an hour ago i was braced very poorly against the tsunami of emotion that hits me like it's my last breath on earth, feeling these churning, roiling waves of despair, futility, hopelessness, helplessness, the same waves that have hit me since i was a child, when james suddenly said, you could be happy about this.
why? i asked.

well at least i'm happy, he says, when people think i'm pretending to have my condition, when they say i'm faking it. i stopped sniffling and listened. "that means they think i'm better than i really am. they think i'm more ok than i am. so maybe i am more ok than i think i am.
"think about it that way," he said.
i heard a touching doggerel at a meeting monday & as i jogged the other night, it served as a quite-nice mantra:
"two inmates looked out from the prison window bars
one looked down & saw mud,
the other up & saw stars." all this stuff, once cynicism & arrogance have been mowed aside by Life, help to retrain the blackened mind... let's keep them coming.

happy as a clam & full bulla

been playing piano all day. james asked me to practice his repertoire, so i'm finally up to bat, maybe, or at least in the box. yes, i've heard the songs so many, many times, my brain's filled w/them; i got the changes for the most part tho did need to review a few augmentations & not-as-standard turnarounds & will continue to practice cause it's a whole load of fun!... then he'll give a listen & suggest what kinds of parts he'd rather hear than others, like have me go here instead of there & so on... i'm so happy getting to pull out the piano licks i've heard over the many yrs, trying to make them fit w/the recordings. scott's guitar parts and james's harmonica & vocals already are in place, so i just gotta find my space & rather than clutter things up, augment what's already there. i feel pleased that the piano will add even more oomph! ... in practicing today, i'm glad that for decades my american music diet has been pretty clean. it's not fogged & filtered & f***ed up by sounds that came much later, sounds, i believe,  messed up melodically by psychedelics. that's long been my opinion -- around the time the beatles debuted,  melodies changed & got uglier as psychedelics hit the streets in a major way... i have a theory about the bakersfield sound, too: the original electrified "country" music of the late '50s to mid-60s was pricklier & faster than that coming out of nashville bc a lot of bakersfield honky-tonkers were not just working hard in the fields  & living in the hellish summer heat, which'd drive most anyone kinda nuts, but were on bop pills; the sound now coming from bakersfield is still hard-edged, tho now not honky-tonk but ugly rock & country-rock, to my ears, & similarly influenced by a population still suffering & sweltering as well as doing a lot of speed... and of course the melodies got uglier & less melodious & i blame hard drugs, yes i do.

anyways, these are just some of my theories. with that and $3, you can get a six-inch sub from subway.

here's the origin of the title of this post. don't you just love idioms? http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/as-happy-as-a-clam.html

well, off to the gym for me... may you be clam-happy but not crappy or even clammy...

reMARkable

 angie posted this delightful video on our facebook page & entitled it "james & jenny page." what a dream it would be to have this kind of fun in our old age! my sister is always kind & thoughtful... if this doesn't warm your heart, you have no pulse, i think, or maybe are an a**hole, possibly, but i'll bet not...

last week when i went w/dear donna to a pow-wow over at the beautiful claremont colleges, a wildly laughing bunch of ragamuffins ran in & provided such a happy moment as we cooled our heels in a kiva. one  child in particular stood out; she insisted that we take from her handfuls of cucumber seeds, & then:
Can I take your picture? I asked. Yes! she yelled, and jumped on the table. I am the leader of all the explorers! she announced, then jumped down, raised her little stick sword and, yelling as if going into battle, led all the children out into the garden.
i recounted this to mom & dad & they were so tickled, & then dad told a great story about a smart, sassy little kid he spoke w/when he & mama were volunteering recently, then i told them about a wonderful documentary james showed me, http://www.hbo.com/documentaries/i-can-be-president-a-kids-eye-view#/ & then we remembered art linkletter & i'm so grateful to've grown into a person who so loves so much about life's everyday wonders, like kids & animals, skies & mountains, the outdoors, flowers, digging in the yard, driving on open roads, etc... so glad to no longer be the smarmy know-it-all i was once, but i guess she got me to here, so thanks, younger jenny. you can rest now. no one hates you anymore. you did the best you could w/the uncomfortable combination you then had of excessive brain power, fear, arrogance, & considerable lack of experience & social skills. life is better now, even w/its hard times, so thanks for keeping the container alive in the face of all your mistakes & sufferings.

how shall we live today? change is the only constant.

saw a very compassionate & knowledgable person today who gave me good, kindly advice as well as a questionnaire to fill out (i already did it cause i am kind of ocd) & then gifted me with a book this elderly man had written. i read a few pages and realized how vastly a person can change, not just in circumstance, but in character, when launched into & making true commitment to sobriety, be it emotional or from a physical addiction or addictive process... wow! this fellow had quite a hard, sad, even disturbing growing-up & adulthood, yet today sat there & gave me wise, kindly, polite, attentive witness during our session. he seems to have been transformed from his old ways of pain & suffering & was able to devote full attention to the moment, undistracted by any fear of the future or regret of the past...
i hope i can continue to grow up. the goal is to stay child-like, but be rid of childishness.
i know i am not a zen master nor ever will be a great spiritual leader -- not that i wish to be such. i do much better being part of a machine, particularly a well-oiled, well-functioning one. for instance, i loved being in the teachers' union, but resisted being groomed to "move up." i love being in meetings & soaking it up; i don't have to be in charge, nor should i try. 12 steppers are supposed to be democratic (not in the political sense, tho, y'know, since there are no affiliations of such in true 12 step recovery), & anyone who tries to take over or pontificate is violating that generous tradition. i love fronting a band, but i've also loved being part of the engine, supporting the front person. i know that will be my future as my physical body ages & my piano chops improve; it's quite an appealing dream...
 i just want to grow. as mud, who died w/52 yrs' sobriety in bakersfield/oildale, used to say, "keep me green so i may grow."
another: "i gotta grow or i gotta go."
man, i know "all that stuff" is just an arm's length away... i do NOT wanna go!
our neighbors suffered a terrible tragedy the other night, likely due at least indirectly to drugs/alcohol. i hate to say had i lived 80-90 yrs ago, i might've been a prohibitionist. i know i'm not supposed to vilify the institution of intoxication, but i can't seem to help it, more & more: too many of us humans, just wanting relief from pain, to be part of the herd, or to have fun, step, then stumble over the invisible line & ruin not just our own lives, but the lives of all who love us. yes, so much what-i-see-to-be unnecessary evil appears to stem from the seemingly basic desire to transcend & feel thrill... it's a sacred instinct, is what i think, that gets violated by the lure of booze, dope, bad habit, & other external, false gods... i am not giving up. i know i have that god-feeling within, w/o trying to induce it via poisons, be they substances or ideas from seemingly-innocuous to putrid & vile...
given that change is the only constant, that insanity is doing the same thing & expecting different results, that we only can control what lies within our own hula hoops, how shall we live today? shakyamuni buddha said/wrote we are here to live with ease & comfort; i like the idea, but all know also that "into each life, some rain must fall" etc. etc.
don't you wanna live, not merely exist? i do.
either way, it all won't last long....

show 'em yer guns, baby

i had a really nice time yesterday doing some recovery stuff as well as visiting my dear friend & then driving through the night to catch my husband's triumphant return to the eldorado in LBC w/nice people spilling out the doors dancing & having a great time, but rather than go into all that, i'm gonna post this cause we worked on it today... and it's long but quite representative of what it can be like around here :)

Bird Playing With Dog

i was so sincerely touched by the kind people who showed up last night to watch me play. it was fun to play again w/the blues express. james looked so very handsome in his all-black suit. and this video will bring you a smile, if you have any pulse at all.

myoho is in you

i found out one of my friends wrote a book for children by the above title. very cool. "myoho," if you don't know, is part of a buddhist chant...
other than that, i'm just trying to keep respirating & remembering there's purpose in this life-thing, which i guess one view of is summed up above...
how bout you?
tomorrow night is to be my return to opening for james & the blues express... at least for now cause tony lopez will be drumming & he knows my baby set. i hope someday to get back to playing lots of songs, furiously, til i can't stand up & could well-die from the exhilaration fury beauty of pounding, slamming, unstoppable, unsinkable, gorgeous american music.
i spoke to manuel today (big manny) & we commiserated about how frustrating it is trying to find musicians who play the music right as well as how much we miss playing & what he called "the rock n roll life." someday i will settle regularly into being a sideman, & i hope one of the ones i back will be manuel cause playing w/him is like a dream -- everything fits w/him & his repertoire is authentic & soulful & dedicated & kinda crazy/silly but very deeply respectful to the canon...
well, crap, that's about it for now. if you've ever liked what i do onstage, i'll be there tomorrow & i will be pounding it out w/goal of being unable to stand when done, hoping to spread & experience some joy & transcendence as well as soothe this evil thing between my ears...

he has been called "mrs jenny," so this wording seemed fair.

peace

i love birds, especially doves.

have never seen doves here at the beach.

this morning was awakened by loud, lovely, throaty coos.

jumped out of bed and on our very patio ledge

were two doves.

life is beautiful if i pay attention.

thrifty

me in a "new" dress; i like this "arty" photo

am wearing one of my "new" dresses & waiting for hubby so we can caravan his car up to get repaired. "new" for me near-always means thrift store, swap meet, hand-me-down, or yard sale. i do not buy new-from-the-store clothing & household items, unless i have to, like when i needed snow boots asap when i lived full-time on the mountain. even then, i got them online at a real bargain, so i try to never pay full price. the discount is the satisfaction -- the deeper, the better. are you like that? a spendthrift? someone badgered/ berated/ chided for being frugal? deep-down i don't care cause in the end, i don't have to rely on others financially, living by my ways... plus, i find it fun, to be resourceful, tho at one point, i did lose that belief for a few months, feeling a bit depressed, thinking, why do i deny myself? don't i deserve "nice" things? i am definitely not broke; i've been very responsible financially in my life. then me kicked back in & said, you love the hunt! it's like finding an easter egg, looking thru the piles & finding that one beautiful cool thing that stands out, that is unusual. plus, it's much more pleasing to sift through many decades of clutter, instead of picking an object off a rack of items nearly-just-like it. where's the imagination in that? where's the fun? another thing is, sometimes, the stuff i get has provenance -- there's a story to go with it, so it's more than just an object: it's a history i then get to wear or hold or gaze upon or treasure. another thing i like is, i realized by not buying new stuff, i recycle, repurposing what might go in landfills. i am not adding to the clutter of this choked-up commodified land of overstock & waste, & that does make me feel responsible & good as i simultaneously get to have my fun buying stuff... so when people ask where i got a dress, jacket, shoes, jewelry, etc, i say "my favorite store." and that always means used.
implicit in all this is i haven't raised children, so i've always had time to hunt for treasures. every experience, every habit has its positive & negative, in other words...  time to chant.

take the bangwell challenge!

- probably 500 or more adoring, loving people came out in support of max bangwell sunday in long beach, ca. the music kicked butt all day & night; fervent blues fan pat delaney exclaimed, in her long island cadence, "thez so much great music, i'm olmos atta breath! i mean, my goahd!" so, so many faces filled & spilled out of the gaslamp, the good, the bad, & the ugly, but all there for max & so all ultimately good. max looked wan but happy & played a really cool set w/his band, scott lambert on upright. they really swung & rocked!

james knocked 'em dead, as usual. when he started his set, the cameras popped like fireworks & folks flooded that dance floor & he shook his hips like elvis & leered like jack nicholson & sang like the saint & sinner he is, w/that sonorous horn of a voice... yes, james was a really bright star throughout the event, & he nearly had not a moment of peace, so busy was he w/friends, fans, followers,  etc! we hung out side stage during the blasters' set & he danced his butt off & bugged his eyes & hammed it up in highly amusing fashion. then phil alvin dedicated "trouble bound" to james, causing my husband's heart to swell. next phil dedicated "one bad stud" to max & the blasters just pounded the crap out of that place, phil's voice ringing like a bell, the band slamming-steady-beautiful.
- max attributes his lung cancer to having smoked for decades & has launched "the  bangwell challenge," urging all to stop smoking. after the event, i decided what the hell am i doing playing around w/such a deadly, not to mention expensive, habit? so today i'm on day two w/o smokes. here's the scary part: tho i've been just a dabbler at the coffin nails, the last few days i've been having cravings that make my teeth crawl; i can't imagine what heavy smokers must   go through, tho i saw a glimpse once years back when someone i knew well ran into the backyard one afternoon, yelling that he was covered w/ants, & in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, ripped off his own pants. do i need to say it? there were no ants! it was the gd cigarettes!! what a hideous & insidious addiction -- not that there are any that are cool, really truly.

- that's the last thing i'll say: all my addictions need to be gone. i can't entertain a one. i can't dance w/any gorilla, no matter what costume it's wearing: boozehound, dope fiend, control addict, chain smoker, glutton, starver, purger, gambler, addictions creepier/more pathetic... i must be rid of them all to continue on this straighter, clearer path. must keep trudging... even when i screw up, am petty, am an a**hole, clam up, get scared, justify myself, run, make mistakes. to reiterate the mantra lately: "there are no mistakes, only lessons."

- all are praying & sending good wishes to max that, whatever happens, it be for his best. the blues community came out in full force to support max, excellent musician & cracklingly sharp, wily, funny, terrific friend to so many. scores of photos of the blues royalty & community in attendance are available online. meanwhile, here are some pix from various nice people on facebook.
love to max bangwell, & thanks to him for issuing his challenge, which no doubt will save many lives.

for max

today in long beach, ca, u.s.a.! what a line-up for a superbly talented & unusual human being!

saaaaahns

sister b, the irish "nunny bunny" & beloved/wise/spry/comedic recovery leader, has a funny bit where she talks about driving thru texas & being told by a friend to look for the "saaaahns." w/the exception of the other day, when genetic blues punched me in the gut like they have here & there since i was a chaaald, i've seen many, many signs. two days ago, even in my depressed underwater state, were waves, seashells, sunset, miraculous words at the meeting, sunshine, the sky, the palms, breezes, a piece of mango cake from a sweet little girl, & much more.  yesterday, in the midst of some confusion, were words of hope to my stepson, boundaries set toward others by james & by me, the gifts of a bbq (james has wanted one), a keurig coffee maker (again, something he's been wanting) & a gigantic container of sea salt. i noted that last one: sea salt is natural lithium! we both immediately put a bit under our tongues. before i left for my meeting, the way i saw james resolve a situation w/placid revelation & resignation, that was definitely a sign. from chaos to such calm in a matter of hours: a miracle, a blessing.
i'm going to take my favorite bicycle soon on a foray across town to see my lovely sponsor & i'll be looking for them saahns. the cycles's an ugly folding peugeot 2-speed from dad & it rides w/such fun & ease & freedom. its homeliness makes it more special to me cause god loves the little things & while i'm certainly no god, i do, too; more than fair attention's given to the big & new & splashy... speaking of splashy, the other day while i waded in the ocean taking pix, a biggin came up & swashed me & phone wetly, so another task today is to go replace phone. dad emailed & noted the phone's not been a cooperative varmint, anyway, & yes, it's really been an unreliable pain in the butt. in fact, when we get permanently settled, i'm going back to a land line. well, digression's taking over, so i'm off except to post a few worthy links:
lovely quotes from mother teresa
thoughts on the book of job

crap.

among other disappointments, sometimes i miss my family so much. and my dogs. and my friends from bakersville and on the mountain. i forget my connection with the universe, i get unplugged, i go adrift like a balloon wobbling into the stratosphere, i feel alone. yes, sometimes i really get down, down, down,  so down, i can't see up. like someone i love texted me, before a big wave came up on me while i walked at the ocean & soaked the phone so it no longer works, "sometimes i don't like Earth."
my brain's done this to me since childhood; i remember trying to run away at age 8 cause i felt this way. i know it will pass... but i put it down here in case you feel lonely at times, too.
this, too, shall pass. repeat 1000 times. time to turn in, i think, & wake up to a brand new outlook, i hope & pray.

it doesn't keep record of wrongs, always protects, always hopes, always perseveres...

what is love?
i wrote this song in late 2010 or early 2011 but didn't know anyone then who liked it or thought it to be particularly special. last yr, james was going thru some of my tapes of song ideas & he really like this one, & so fervent was he in his appreciation of it, i was quite touched, & also surprised, since i'd kinda forgotten about this little song. he then played & sang it on his guitar, quite sincerely & sweetly, adding his own lyrics. a few months back, i recorded it at the beach pad along with nine other songs i wrote, with three more still to be recorded, i hope. i wonder if these songs'll ever be performed by a full band, the way i hear them in my head? for now, here's a small semblance from my limbs & lungs, more heart & soul than chops & finesse, but oh well, better this than nothing at all...
one yr ago, james & i went on our awesome honeymoon & this afternoon i listened to this song of mine & realized who i must've been writing it for all along...

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 ^--  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It  always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

cabeza & ancianos

re cabezas, i am attempting to reprogram mine. his has been asleep a lot lately. rest is restorative, so i think he's reprogramming, too, ursine, hibernating, rejuvenating for spring.
he sculpts more & more, always heads. i find that cool cause when i used to draw in near-photographic fashion, i was fascinated, too, by human heads & faces. always had trouble drawing ears; james is good at them. maybe cause he's always had his on view to learn their contours whereas mine've been covered always by hair. maybe cause he's just a better sculptor. maybe cause i'm just learning to listen.
ears? what?
as pt of my reprogramming, i last wkend went up to the westside of LA & spent the day w/60 recovered women & my favorite irish "nunny bunny," so funny, spry, sharp & snappy (not to mention wise & loving), who announced next wk (this wk!) she'll be 79. wow! boy, what a wonderful day; i couldn't be more grateful for that experience as well as the next day, which led me to chant w/hundreds of others, then get to listen to some really inspiring talks about transforming oneself w/purpose of bringing comfort, peace & happiness to others. the teacher in me was so moved by this wholesome & noble & heartening philosophy! i can't wait to learn more of all this good stuff, be it 12 step, buddhist, christian, pantheist, or whatever... so glad i am remembering to continue to wash my mind.
i imbibed (i hope) much patient wisdom from my sponsor yesterday. pertinent to what i just wrote was when she reminded me, "there's a reason you have one mouth & two ears..."

also yesterday i learned my sponsor is 91 yrs young. i almost burst into tears & told her so; she smiled puzzledly, "why?" i told her they were tears of joy, that she was inspiring. i am nowhere near young anymore, yet she is twice my age, & so full of life & wisdom!... so here are some heads... the clay james is the 3rd i've made, trying different kinds of his clay as he chunks me a lump (or lumps me a chunk)... i did this one hurriedly w/o my glasses, just for comparison's sake. how do bad eyes affect my art? the upper skull should be taller, but i didn't have the clay or time, so think it came out ok, considering. his heads always are fictitious persons bc james is more imaginative than i am. he has just started on this hobby/outlet in the past many months. he is really, really good, i think!
time for more coffee... harvelle's tonight, downtown long beach, 9 pm-midnight. at that time, the bear will rise from his cave to roar mightily for the awe & pleasure of all. :)