storming inside, storming outside... what a mess

man-about-hollywoodtown art fein mentioned our gallery/ruby escapade in his latest column: "I went to an art opening for my friend John Tottenham, whom I’d always known one-dimensionally as a writer. His drawings and paintings covered many white walls at a space next to a sport-shoes store in a nondescript part-American area south on La Cienega and a great celebration and gathering was at hand. Jenny the thrush [as in the throat infection, mebbe?] and ivory-tickler from the Dusk Devils came along and we ran into many people we know, including to our surprise the surprised Phil Alvin. Much fun was had. Then we went over to a club mysteriously hidden behind Amoeba Record to attend Rodney Bingenheimer’s Rock & Roll show featuring my idol Ruby Friedman. We got in a little late and caught only two of her songs, but two of her songs is worth a hundred of anyone else’s ..." yes, definitely ruby is idol-worthy... was awed but also scared to watch her, really. so powerful. such emotion. can't really handle it. panic, choke, feel end drawing near. it gets stupid-bad! must limn edges of life, stay nimble, hop around, stay ahead. life's heaviness is too close-to-the-surface in this brain. yet, in a finger's snap, all is bliss, wonder, amazement! i often just don't get why i got this particular coconut, bent on my destruction, seemingly... anyways, the above describes only one of about 50 escapades of which @ writes this mo.; he's never in one place, he goes from town to town... he really gets around! (at top of this page is ad for this yr's elvis show, too.) sofein
* @ mysteriously left his green corduroy jacket in the small space of my truck's front seat (daughter jessie had his car, so i chauffeured). i'm sorry to say it now bears dog hair... would love to get pix from paul body of the night, including 1 of me/PA & AF, tho am positive i was having a very bad hair night.
* tottenham's art was peculiar & affecting. one series showed a disabled, nude, seemingly depressed, underfed woman. i thought it exploitative, & then an acquaintance said he liked it!: that it showed the humanity of persons normally not considered subjects of art! my dear friend donna'd probably say rashomon may be the case -- someplace in the middle is Truth.
* imagine that. the frigging middle. now there's a wise construct!
* the wall that flipped me out most displayed a score of small paintings, ea of a different man w/a different woman, ea in which the man's fingers are stuffed in the woman's mouth.
* i mean, what the hell can i say about that except i just don't know what the hell to say about that... it was kinda weird & thrilling & depressing, i guess.
* lastly, am glad i saw art's post & have something to write about that doesn't involve an oven & my head. (just kidding, loved ones, about something not funny one bit.) the dog boys are here & it's storming like crazy... i should be @ a mtg!... so what's it like to have two ppl living in one body? (not that you asked?) bliss & bane, thrill & despair, too much for me...
* waiting for the next wave, when the updraft hits & i go soaring... should be soon, knowing this rollercoaster... soon!! "there is always madness in love. but there also is always some reason in madness." nietzsche? is it true???
* wishing you a warm place out of the elements, w/a head & soul that cooperate...

shadows, d.h. lawrence

r.i.p. to heather & peace to all of her loved ones.

and if tonight my soul may find her peace
in sleep, and sink in good oblivion,
and in the morning wake like a new-opened flower
then I have been dipped again in God, and new-created.

and if, as weeks go round, in the dark of the moon
my spirit darkens and goes out, and soft strange gloom
pervades my movements and my thoughts and words
then I shall know that I am walking still
with God, we are close together now the moon’s in shadow.

and if, as autumn deepens and darkens
I feel the pain of falling leaves, and stems that break in storms
and trouble and dissolution and distress
and then the softness of deep shadows folding,
folding around my soul and spirit, around my lips
so sweet, like a swoon, or more like the drowse of a low, sad song
singing darker than the nightingale, on, on to the solstice
and the silence of short days, the silence of the year, the shadow,
then I shall know that my life is moving still
with the dark earth, and drenched
with the deep oblivion of earth’s lapse and renewal.

and if, in the changing phases of man’s life
I fall in sickness and in misery
my wrists seem broken and my heart seems dead
and strength is gone, and my life
is only the leavings of a life:

and still, among it all, snatches of lovely oblivion, and snatches of renewal
odd, wintry flowers upon the withered stem, yet new, strange flowers
such as my life has not brought forth before, new blossoms of me

then I must know that still
I am in the hands of the unknown God,
he is breaking me down to his own oblivion
to send me forth on a new morning, a new man.

dusk devils, los ramons, rocknroll pizza, dec. 11, FREE SHOW!

here's the version w/the correct date. this tiny joint has great pizza & fun vibe. it's not much of a drive from bako. or smell/swellay. fun fun fun! :)

turkey on thanksgiving, like alms for the poor / all we need are the necessities and more...

ain't it the truth? happy turkey day!
i love thanksgiving, which in our family means lots of noisy, happy, cranky people & enough food to feed a small country, but i also love this picture: ... the pie run's in 6 hrs! i have my pie... will you be there?: thursday, thanksgiving day, @ hart pk, bakersfield. bring a pie & look for the bonfire.
hope my foot will cooperate! if not, i spose i'll just hobble...
wishing you warmth, health, love, & sustenance of all kinds these holidays. and maybe a day off, too. :)

oh! the holidays! oh! the big apple! oh! the food!! "i'll tip the newsboy i'll take a shine i'll ride this dream to the end of the line"

my heart just felt it... holidays are here! ooh my soul! it swells w/love! may your days be merry & bright!
(& now to blablablog re nyc trip - kinda out of order)
- flew on jetblue LAX to JFK - absolutely no hassle, lots of leg rm & i love that airbuses are quiet on take-off/landing, the horrifying roar being the pt of the plane ride i usually most dread... jetblue also has great snacks & serves dunkin' donuts coffee, but you gotta pay for headphones if you want to watch tv (i didn't)
- used airtrams to navigate jfk & then got wk pass (a deal! do it, if you plan to use NYC public transport, which you must!) & metrorailed into manhattan... NYC is safe now! my sis traveled to NYC 20+ yrs ago & still deems it "dirty & stinky & scary." but it's not, sister. it's just not that way no mo. unlike the buck owens song, i love new york, & you will, too!
- checked in @ hostel on upper east side w/o much of a hitch... neighborhood's safe & clean &, like cow hollow in SF, off the beaten path, meaning a refuge, removed from the excitement (mess), quiet @ nite (tho the french guy next door snored as loud as the witch in suspiria, ultimately kinda funny, not annoying).
- neighborhood planters are filled w/gourds & scarecrows, store windows w/lights & stars: it's the intersection of autumn thanksgiving & winter yuletide & you can feel it on your cheeks, in the crisp air, quickening the pulse: cars & taxis honk, brakes squeak, foodsmells swell, windows pop w/beautiful things to see & buy (not today, thanks), skyscrapers loom... the city's alive!!
- walked 42nd st, time square @ nite, lit up like daylight, neoned like tokyo, crowded like new yr's eve... this whole area never sleeps!! no plan on this trip except for meditation seminar... the unexpected is around each corner & delights outweigh frustrations by far, like a quick run down W 24th st that reveals a whole free, fun row of avante-garde art galleries; or a subway musician improv-embellishing upon lovely gershwin melodies on lonely clarinet; or the most delicious curried rice & chicken plate, steaming hot on a cold night, from street foodslingers the halal guys... :)
- delicious la mia plain pizza, unbeatable famous ray's pizza (they ship to cal!), blueberry cheesecake, overwhelming eataly (an italian food super-emporium), 99c slices, bagels, morning eggs on roll for a buck-fifty, so much great food everyplace!; walked & walked miles & miles ea day, tho foot is still killing me (gd plantar fasciitis)... can't get over how great it is to explore the city afoot; can't get over that it's not freezing; can't get over the city loveliness, vibrancy (that is, til the moment near end of trip i get bumped by one too many ppl on crammed street & subway & realize: time to go home)
- went down to greenwich village, up to the bronx (where i go is open, rural, dilapidated, like where cops might find the body in a crime movie, but beautiful somehow), had awesome coconut-pistachio gelato bar @ former, pastrami & soup in cozy hole-in-wall @ latter, then a white castle slider, too. gluttony.
- empire state bldg, statue of liberty, top of the rock (watched the sun set over the city, red & orange make-your-eyes-water gleam waning between gray buildings like final scene of an end-of-the-world movie), waldorf-astoria marbled toilet rms: so much influence of art deco, neo-classical, egyptian, even: opulent mash-ups create architectural finery
- central park!!! a jewel!!! giant rocks, giant trees, grassy fields, waterfalls, lakes, ice rinks, walking, jogging, climbing, ambling, strolling, overcoated, watch-capped, happy, chatting, everywhere everyday people... what could be better?
- ellis island: so moving & interesting, but the energy drains your soul. so many ghosts. on the register of arrivals is one egio gia: dad's grandpa
- acem meditation seminar: terrific, non-religious, so effective! floating in meditation, my nail-in-heel pain is abated; thoughts of hats flying atop of mailboxes waft in my brain & it's cool, to be conscious & yet watch a dream in action, then return to the meditation phrase, which, like jogging, calms & cleans the mind & body www.acem.com
- am treated to #1 b'way play MEMPHIS & spend 20 bucks on 2 cokes & peanut m&ms, but am happy for the whole experience, in the lovely & surprisingly (to me) small shubert theatre, velvety, brocaded, gilded... when the performers start hoofing, w/a shock i realize this is BROADWAY indeed! what polish!
- pickles, beets, rye bread, matzo ball soup, potato pancake, post-b'way crowd @ junior's...
- "skate" @ rockefeller plaza (well, i watch) - have skated (unsuccessfully) just once, as a child, so mostly hug the rails this time, too, but what exhilaration, the festive spirit, the glisten & crunch & sizzle of ice, the smiles & pink cheeks of others, the joy & sounds of laughter all around... jani said today she'll teach me to skate, & i can't wait! i tried, but... i suck. still, what tremendous good-cheer fun it is. :)
- went thru MOMA & got to see up-close (tho too-fast) van goghes, cezannes, matisses, picassos, etc etc, in what looks to be a bigger painting collection than has the british museum (also saw fun baldessari exhibit); then watched @ museum of natural history mind-blowing planetarium show about stars (how can SOMETHING come from NOTHING?? from where, then, did the hydrogen gas & dark matter that formed it all come?!? clearly i'm no astronomer, not even close) as well as margaret meade hall on ppl of south seas & another on the near east & what stuck w/me was learning that dharma INCLUDES want of artha (wealth) & kama (desire), but that then one realizes these are temporary fixes & seeks moksha (salvation)... was reassured to learn hindus recognize that (Wo)Man has a need, even craving for the material @ a certain life-pt, but then matures & sets such things aside... it seems forgiving of we frail, (too) oftentimes ignoble humans...
- cab, train, bus, plane, finally reached california & reveled in big pink sky & sun & lovely weather... the weather: why all those NYers want to be here! waited all day & eve, jetlagged, for cousin to arrive frm TX, but this, too, allowed meandering adventure: bargains, eating, veering off to awesome women's mtg in venice, driving in circles listening to NPR til i find my gym, a 3-story version packed w/young ppl of all colors (something i loved in NYC: the tremendous cultural & racial diversity), awesome kickboxing class, watts times on way out. scooped up family @ LAX, then we arrived home to mountains for final gift: dad & mom had been there that day, put up new curtains, turned on heaters, so my little house was cozy & golden-warm against the freezing cold night, & in the morning, we had coffee & the kids had juice & donuts & oh, to be home. what a wondrous thing. :) happy holidays to you. :)

don't save this date... save DECEMBER 11!!!

am in nyc on hostel computer (clean, bare-bones lodging here's a divided walk-up: common kitchen, bathrm, but private little rm w/loft bed on top, single on bottom, good tv, & vw of upper east side st below): seeing so many sites, walking my feet off (owww!!!), went to promising acem meditation seminar (www.acem.com), etc... just got into email & LOOK AT THIS!! :)
however, sez artist david, who made this, the flyer date's wrong. we'll be there dec. 11. it'll be a swell show! not just is r&r pizza a tiny, cool venue slathered w/R&R posters, it has good NY-style pizza... i've been eating A LOT of it this past wk, & i'd say r&r pizza (as much as it can, not having NYC's sweet municipal water) stacks up! w/spanish-language ramones tribute band los ramons on the bill w/us, it should sure-shootin' be so much fun. :)
yes, hello to all you mugs, you mensches, from the big apple, one of my most favorite cities on earth!! hope your wkend's going wonderfully.
more later - there's no chair here, which is a very effective net-addict deterrent...

fragmenticity, shifts in tense, sleepy can't-sleep ramblings

-can't sleep!
- going to nyc! among other things, for a meditation seminar... need to mellow out. so excited, tho!!! want to ice skate (haven't since 1x in child yrs), jog & explore central pk, walk & walk the upper east side & everyplace, see coney island, eat pizza. anything beyond just being there will be lagniappe. art said, "i'd never sleep if i lived there. i can definitely feel the pulse of the city..."
- lately - beautiful karling abbeygate & my friend manuel! palmer & leo were there, too, w/me therein reuniting the big manny christmas record crew... :) cool retro marina hotel. late night drives. denny's pancake puppies & peppermint shake! dusk devils music. scotty adds ideas to evil eye... yes, new songs! monster drinks. very cool gigs upcoming, more pending!! long mountain hikes with friends. i look out from the vista on which i stand & realize: the mountains are my backyard! wow! transitions, arguments, amends, lonely times, better times. good mtgs around here! visit from mom & dad... then hollywood w/art fein: john tottenham art exhibit; in the midst of it, surprise glimpse of beautiful erin, who's gracious enough to let me make amend to her, albeit brief (i'm sure i spooked her; i'm sure she didn't expect to see awful me there... but she looked happier when she left, less stressed, & i was so happy, too, to get that unexpected chance to try to make right a wrong); friendly paul body w/his roach-stomping, high-gloss cowboy boots; phil alvin... phil alvin! at the art opening, just like that, incongruously!... (why do i say "incongruously"? i don't really know the guy! just certainly didn't expect him there... nor he, me [us?], by his pleased gape.)
-just a bit more on phil, w/whom i've been obsessed for decades (tho i have had to admit in this past yr he'll possibly never be my future ex-husband): he stood there grinning at me -- at ME!! -- like bugs bunny or the heehaw donkey, rooster-chested, shoulders thrown back like the one bad stud, in a black thrift-store suit & white dress shirt w/wife-beater showing beneath... his hair was dyed, jeffersonianly, & his manner was dim, hip, regal, friendly. "hey, di-d-did i hear ya moved?" he asked me, jutting forward at me for a bit of emphasis, & then we all talked for a bit & i piqued him w/news of the mysterious museum of jurassic technology, a dang place never open when i'm down there... phil was there to hang out, to schmooze, but i got freaked out!, so went to "look at the art." can't be that crazy hot-to-trot for someone for so many yrs then stand & shoot the bull w/him. just can't. it was too much!!
- art had a little wine & was done, said it didn't make him drunk but just feel weird, tho also relaxed so that he "could talk." malcolm gladwell, accordion, relationships, living in paris (he has; i've just visited), some gossip about a musician-knothead everyone knows, & of course, music music music, lots of talk & it all & all was quite a cool & even amazing evening... headed to cabana club off sunset for stunning, wonderful ruby friedman orchestra, ruby leading her crescendoing songs w/these magnificent silent-era eyes & lips & arms that floated like butterflies. then she'd rock & shake like the child of joe cocker meets janis & it was the coolest thing i've seen ever in someone not a whacked-out rockabilly eccentric. she was so haunting, sincere, lovely, rock-opera intense - yet a giggling sort of friendly gentle hippie girl in repose, which made me like her even more.
good gravy, i need to go to bed...

happy, happy baby

one time a friend kindly made me a CD of songs, & this was the 1st cut. i share w/all, especially my buddy who's having an important appt today.
this is just wonderful, i think. :) may we all be happy today, or if not today, how about tomorrow. :)

jani, small people, lifelifelife, true-blue you

feeling a bit glum, was gonna catalog here all the ppl i've gotten to/had to play w/over the past 8 yrs, but then my dear jani called & today's her 12th sobriety bd!! she recentered me. who cares if i've had 4,000 drummers & 85 others & that a recent departure, altho now in a more financially successful gig than he was w/us, has decided to be small w/me, admitting he wronged me in a mean, backhanded way that makes no sense unless he feels guilty & like an ass & therefore that his only recourse is to try to hurt me?... guess not all can be big in a timely manner, as are drunk club folks who work a program, or ones of true character, like my guitar-slinging pal phil... i relate to having to step in crap & smear it on others before realizing i CAN comport myself w/dignity... the situation's too bad, but it'll pass.
i met jani in a mtg in a park in bakersfield. she knew the drinking game was up & was absolutely heartbroken. it's disconcerting to reconcile my memory of her that eve, tears streaming down her face, w/the friendly woman w/the ear-to-ear grin, the one who greets everyone & always strives to make newcomers feel safe & welcome. jani knows & lives pp. 20 & 67 (et al): our lives depend on constant thought of helping others (& the converse: my death, spiritual or corporeal, comes when i think only of helping myself!!). yes, what a miracle sobriety has been for her... & for me! jani & i (& her twin sister joni) are leos & drunks & women who are friends to the world, but have struggled w/men... jani, tho, is more down-to-earth than i am, wears the cloak of life more loosely, i think, & is more pragmatic... i love her so.
feels like i've written this story before: jani's best friend way back when, long before i knew jani, was carrying on w/my boyfriend, who was sort of like the prince of bakersfield bc his daddy was world-famous country singer, big-shot businessman w/media empire -- i thought i was special back then to be/"johnny" (who didn't like being called that, tho that was his birth name), whom i didn't know by name 1st time i saw his handsome face & my heart went clunk -- he was SO CUTE back then!!!! then he opened his mouth & he had that twang... i was done for, too-smart-for-her-own-good, noble-savage-romanticizing, know-nothing that i was. all were buried in hard partying, tho they were "country people" & i was more of a cramps & suicide-ideation girl... not a good match!!
jani tells me still how her friend & she would talk about "that weird girl w/the black hair who wears all that makeup & wears black all the time..." yrs ago a big woman w/huge fire-engine-red hair & loud outfit said, in the middle of a mtg, "when i met jenny, i thought she was BIZARRE!!!" i was taken aback: SHE was bizarre! but yes, i must admit... probably i was bizarre, tho such things are unimportant in the long run & "bizarre" is a relative term.
pt is, jani is my true-blue friend & one's perception of oneself can be pretty skewed & so thank goodness for true-blue friends, who keep a soul relatively current & honest & aware that what's most important is what i think of others cause if i just sit around thinking about me, i'm sunk, dead, buried.
here's to true-blue friends. here's to jani. here's to phil. here's to donna. to mike, manuel, toni, patty, maryfafa, tushi, angie, to... all of you. :)

yes, i'll be here when the morning comes

can't put it more politely than this right now: when life sucks, music saves. tonight's been a bad, bad mo-fo roller coaster. then i picked up my little squire bass & played along w/manuel's CD, which he gave me last wk. carl perkins, bo diddley, down home girl... life was restored as i tried to ape russell scott's bass lines. it reminded me of halloween...
here's some pix from that show, including our new bass player scotty. the band was each given a piece of "caveman" fabric & demonstrated awesome creativity, i thought, when ea showed up as 1) "dallas cowboy cheerleader caveman" (what rick called phil, who wore t-shirt, black shorts & cowboy boots, his legs sticking out conspicuously, & who then did a strip tease when his cave bottoms fell off, to hoots & hollers from female audience); 2) hippie caveman (was delighted that scotty was able to wear the tiger-western shirt made by my artist bro-in-law paul in denver -- i've never been able to wear it); & 3) what i call wally wood classic caveman -- rick went full neanderthal, as i kinda hoped he would, looking as goofy nerdy-cool as anything from vintage mad magazine era.
me? i was (of course) sick as a dog from a terrible recent health snag (nothing lethal; i'm ok, but it has been traumatic), so i opted for buried-in-fur freezing cavewoman. unfortunately, i didn't consider that such an outfit would add 40 lbs to my frame!!! oh well.
once we hit the ground playing, i was well for 4 straight hrs... those derby acres folks kept swarming in, many even having come to see us from the taft show w/whiteboy james, & everyone partied cheerfully, loudly, & generously all night long w/us. we received compliments galore, an encore, & more. "you really come alive w/a crowd," said a nice couple. "the more people arrived, the more you lit up." i loved hearing that!! it's true!!
we played better than we ever have; phil debuted his new awesome rockabilly tune; he & i took round after round of improv instrumentals, & phil's always right-there ready to go. it just felt so good -- my fingers were cooperating cause we were all in the glide... unlike tonight, unlike after the show, the rollercoaster of music was absolutely exhilarating! we did werewolves of london (2x; everyone sang along); haunted house (gene simmons/hasil adkins); munsters theme -- only the last had been practiced, but the others came out so fun!
i even received marriage proposals. even w/40 lbs of extra wt from my costume. :)
however, the moment we stopped playing, i felt death coming quickly. it took a good while to say goodbye to folks, get moolah, load up. i wanted so badly to just lie down & rest & die... such a long drive home... just wanted to die... the evening ended up being full-blown horrible, monstrously so, maybe fitting for halloween, but no no no fun, no sir... but the show, the show was tops, one of our ever-loving best! i was amazed by scott, who, w/1 practice w/us, laid down bass for over 4 hrs.
life w/o music is no life at all. thank you to scott, rick, & phil. and big manny, who doesn't even know he saved me this evening. tonight @ the mtg in nearby lake of the woods, a man said, "here [in secret society] i not just found my smile, but the peace that goes behind it." when i am in the music, or around dear friends, i know that feeling. may you have it, too. no arcania for tonight -- just a wish for love & music & friendship & forgiveness to all who read this.

ok, this is just weird... & a mash note for karling

this is not me.
my clone
my family will attest this is how my face looked when i was younger, down to the sort of peeved expression... this gal's not a half-breed like me, & the wig's black, but the messiness is purt-dang close!!
darned delicious gutbomb late-night in-&-out burger!! it was fun to pile it down on my clear-black-night drive home on heels of (darling) karling abbeygate show @ which i got to see MANUEL!!!, but now i cannot sleep!! arggghhhh!!!! and now it's starting to pour pour pour & the moon is so so white! so tempting!! who can sleep?!? wow!! what a storm's starting!! dang hamburger -- i could be snuggled up in bed w/the rainfall instead of sitting here fat as a tick!!!
karling's got that wanda snarl, & her uptempo tunes in particular rockabillied like crazy & reminded me of becky's band back when: exciting-fun!! karling's got perfect bettie page black fluffy bouncy hair & such a pretty heart-shaped smile, & i wish i could wear sleeveless dresses like the one she wore tonight! she reminded me of betty boop even a bit & wonder what it'd be like to dance on the stage like she does, dance & twirl & then grab the mike & snarl into it like elvis?
it was great fun to get to see her in the flesh finally... like candye, karling's got good mojo, i think!
and manuel, big manny, the down-home giant of guitar: every time he'd sing out some solo i thought was especially fine, i'd look over & phil'd sure enough be smiling & chortling in admiration... phil's the best there is in town -- but manuel was the visiting king tonight!
ok, please continue on to read about tomorrow's halloween show... tonight we practiced nearly 5 HOURS w/scotty & i think tomorrow's gonna be quite the fun little bash. happy all hallow's eve & dia de los muertos & all saint's day & samhain & etc to all! :) :) :)

if you hear him howlin round your kitchen door, better not let him in

i love roku!! last nite, watched "let the right one in," disturbing & lonely & extremely well-made swedish vampire movie that touched off one nightmare of a jacked-up eve... tonight played music, rewatched one of my most faves, "zombieland" ("time to nut up or shut up!" "and without other people, you might as well be a zombie," etc.) & ate caveman cavey's & so the nite, like the werewolf's hair, "was perfect."
am thinking some folks maybe are sore at me right now, tho. such is life, i guess. this, too, shall pass. they all have lives... how important can i be? it can't last, not the good or bad... upside is fri after practice i get to go watch manuel back up karling abbeygate, then we get to do a halloween show, then monday i'll meet the big man again at the barndance... tho i guess not the sore guy who lives in hollywood. maybe some other time. for now, oil well.
am now slightly lamenting i won't be at ex-hubby b's (& my) friends' halloween party sat, where the sober bikers sing (at funnest pt in set, for me) trashy 60s tunes & john smith does his spot-on karloff (i mean bobby boris pickett) & i get to pluck away off-the-cuff... however, we'll debut a new devil this wkend (i hope - if the guy has stamina to run a marathon in 3:30, he can certainly bust thru 4 sets, i'm thinking!!) & i'm looking fwd to seeing the fellows in caveman attire. that should be swell! :) for me, i spose i'll be the token cavewoman.
i think i'll rat my hair. and imagine the makeup i'll be able to get away with!
shuddering w/excitement now... time to hit the keys & try the zevon song... as well as there's a moon out tonight, whoa-oh-oh-ooh (capris)
(p.s. - this reminds me of when i was totally obsessed w/movies & tv shows & did stuff like the following: zombieland dialogue transcript )
(p.p.s. - "go get em," said manuel. "hit em hard & make em love you. i know you do." he speaks from experience!! anyone who doesn't love manuel has no heart & also no ear for sumo-sized talent & the best music!!!)

songs & stories about rain & blablabla

1. "rain," charlie feathers; 2. story "the green morning," about a martian johnny appleseed, ray bradbury (from the martian chronicles); 3. "raindrops," jackie wilson; 4. "i can see clearly now," johnny nash; 5. "just walking in the rain," the prisonaires; 6. "when it rains, it really pours," elvis; 7. "rainy day dream away," jimi hendrix; 8. "stormy weather," ella fitzgerald; 9. "rain song" &/or "fool in the rain," led zeppelin... and, of course, "it's raining men" by the weather girls.
too bad i can't locate online text of "the green morning" to place link of here, since it's a gentle, beautiful story, i think. the bradburys online are more dystopic, e.g. these: "there will come soft rains" by ray bradbury (that one used to freak me out when i was a teen, as did the following:) "all summer in a day"... great stories, but dark dark dark, as is this: http://maugham.classicauthors.net/Rain/
***
it rains here in stereo. shade draws over deep blue sky & suddenly all's portentous, pregnant gray, earth & sky are shrouded in cloud, & flash! the light show hits & thunder cracks, rumbles, crashes like heaven's bowling alley, olympus' trash company. it's not gentle, as in some of the songs above, but seemingly unending when it hits, tho also not ominous & telling of evil, as in the maugham story. storms here come & come & come, like the rain'll never stop, rhythmic yet erratic, scary, thrilling, elemental, primitive, yes, this is it: i'm living in nature & it makes a soul realize its own tininess, temporariness, aliveness.
in a moment, i hope, will be warm bed, w/rain tattooing my brain w/imprints of rest & sleep.
here's a good quote from the comic sage & songwriting ace roger miller, dear friend of local honky-tonk trucker-bard, red "suitcase" simpson:
"some people walk in the rain. others just get wet."

wow.

saw this & can you believe his vocals are live, w/o effects, & what kind of mike is that, anyways? elvis WAS the king. never will there be another.
this has been a weird, wild, lonely, lovely, fun, fulfilling, & frustrating wkend. i was so touched (in the heart, tho am also in the head, yknow) when my friend in pittsburgh sent me a song said to have been written w/me in mind... recorded on one track, haunting, melancholy... don't have permission to post it, but when i do, i will. then my pal phil previewed for me a sort of wild gene vincent-style tune that will be a real blast, i think!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ANGIE!!!! & blablabla

my little sister! she can't be middle-aged! but i guess if i am, she must be... yipes! and what a relief.
my little sister is a talented, dedicated, bright, even brilliant, self-proclaimed "creative basket case." she has always had the figure to die for, w/long slender legs, & she can really clean up: she can match an outfit head to toe & always dresses w/style!... she's worked hard her whole life, little soldier, hand to plow, sweat on brow (& she's needed to!! not just has she co-raised her daughter w/her ex, but she needs dough for the nice things she prefers!). an unfortunate but typical example of angie & i growing up: we both worked @ a discount movie house when we were girls. i recall staggering out of the ice room after some time in there w/a male co-worker to find angie scrubbing & scrubbing the lobby, working furiously... i must've been the most embarrassing sister, tho today fences are mended & i only want to help & love her, & i know that she feels the same toward me... time heals all wounds, & wounds all heels, to quote art fein. i certainly had my time to be wounded, & i deserved it, but now life is good & relationships repaired & what a thing life is, what a glorious thing...
i hope angie will be happy today. she has been downright stressed lately (a family trait: sloth & pleasure sandwiched by over-obligation & -toil). she works for "the evil empire," as mama calls it. she struggles to bring art & love & enrichment to kids who are being taught stultifying & soul-depleting rote. she fights the good fight, trying to guide kids from poverty conditions toward happy & useful citizenship. she's also studying to be an art therapist. so unusual! so worthy! she also just moved. she's also a good mom & friend. she also... the list goes on & on. angie is a hero to many! :)
was working on my brick pathway under a gorgeous (cerulean!!) sky when james called to ask which of his mad magazines i wanted. he also said he was building a giant papier mache head & a footstool made of old cowboy boots. so cool!! i love my smart, weird, life-loving & -affirming friends... at the show we did w/him last wk, james dedicated "roll 'em pete" to the dusk devils. they flat-out cooked that tune!, but the hole where piano goes was a definite one, to my ear, like when the blasters now do "one bad stud" w/o horns or keys, like "green onions" w/o the organ, "tequila" w/o the horns, elvis songs w/o elvis, "goin up to country" w/o flute (i know; that's the canned heat version, but that's the one i prefer), etc etc... then he dedicated to me "trying to get to you," which he'd pounded out of the park @ the elvis show. i was startled & flattered to hear him on-the-fly change the lyrics:
"i've been traveling in the dark... even up to frazier park... just to try to get to you... when i read your lovin' email, well, my heart began to sing..." [etc]
phil looked @ me & cocked a brow. "REAL-ly..." he chuckled...
"NO!!" i replied, embarrassed but happy.
am a very lucky person to have friends like these, brothers & sister, we. heck, to have friends at all! to have loved ones! i know they say keep your friends close & enemies closer, but i'd just much rather concentrate on the former. this life is too short to do otherwise!; we mustn't waste one more bit of energy on the others... unless they need our help & ask for it & we can give it w/o disparagement or expectation...
oh! i spot the quail on the hill opposite this picture window! i look out from here onto a mountainside, across the arroyo that demarcates the east side of my property... each morning i get to watch butterflies, blue birds, domestic cats who prowl the hill w/delusions of liondom, & lately, my favorites: a bevy of fat, top-hatted california quail, peeping & chirping & bobbing as they strut around & take their dirt baths... they're like a group of old men standing around smoking. this place is delightful for sites like that, & so much more!
back to fellow humans... i pray these steps i'm working will result in a clean & honest new person w/insides matching outsides. i know i have great capacity for love, & despair, & what lies between... but to respect & honor each person on my path of life, that's the goal. that's the goal. that's the goal. time to roll.
(addendum: yes, i know this has all been about me... but this IS my blog, of tiny -- if that -- import, written bc i so love to write. please, if you read this & judge me,or even if you don't, please start your own blog so that i can read it!)

pervading sense of unreality follows wondrous night of little sleep, glorious music and moonlight

(the above makes me miss writing headlines!!! in the online-publishing era, does "headline count" still exist?? i just don't know... it used to be sometimes irritating, but also fun wording headlines to puzzle together just so, working not just w/words, but even tighter -- w/picas, font sizes, & individual letters, which have different count depending on font & width...)
t.s. eliot: "it's strange that words are so inadequate. yet, like the asthmatic struggling for breath, so the lover must struggle for words..." feels like this whole blog is that way! my words are inadequate to capture what this precious & quixotic life feels like. are words that way for you??
so what a blessing it is to have such an outlet as this blog, fumbling tho my attempts may be to elucidate & enunciate mysteries of existence (ha!)... yes, what a blessing it is to write! & create! & feel! & love! & draw breath! (ok; that's enough...)
so back to earth: this house originally had 3 oaks on its property, beautiful old grandfathers, but when i moved here, only one remained, the others not just having been removed, but for some reason, their stumps painted blue. demented!... not just eviscerated, the trees were defaced, as if by some perverted arboreal undertaker!
the other day i returned from bakersfield feeling sick (as now seem to when returning from bako) & as i backed my truck up to the house so i wouldn't have to walk so far to unload, i glanced into the backyard &... tree #3 had fallen & was laying in pt on the house. yikes!! providence or fluke or the great pumpkin pitched the tree just enough away from the house so that it appears there's no roof damage, tho i've yet to confirm that... i know last night when i got home @ godforsaken-a.m., it rained like hell & this morn there are no leaks... could it be that a tree falls on the house & the house is not damaged? if so, wow!!
the tree looks like it committed suicide -- yanked itself from the earth, root & ball. no stump's even left to paint blue.
on the upside, i won't need firewood for winter! :)
well, was gonna write a bunch more, but am just too beat after the last few days... painful heel spur still holding me back from running; so grateful for this wk getting to make many amends & heal long-standing upsets w/others; so grateful to feel such love for & affinity w/other drunks, my brothers & sisters; helping sister move, & oh, how i love my little sister, who now owns her very own house, god love our parents!; driving driving driving, i'm always driving now; the beautiful rural rd from here to taft (on I-5! i didn't think there was one pretty inch on that strip!); the wild & amazing whiteboy james (who has the life force of 2 -- maybe 3 -- men & is the most blessedly, fierily talented crazy cutey demon i've ever met! a supernova!); his band's incredible show last night (oh, to have a band that tight! what heaven that must be!); our quite uneven but ultimately ok contribution to the show; steady crazy friendly rick, & phil, who, yes, is  wonderful, & what's so wrong about saying what's true?; some disturbing conflicts & hurt feelings w/in band; the velvety night, the hotel lights, the stars & moon, the long rd home; up late, writing a song, unable to sleep, abuzz buzz buzz... & today, following last night's downpour, this morn's perfect skies, robin's-egg blue, clouds, billowy-silvery, w/light quality so clean & gold, it nearly brought tears!
wow!!! a giant crash of thunder just boomed not so far from here, crashing like zeus's symphonic kettle drum, thumping the whole mountain!! more big storms today, looks like!
more good news: no trees on this property to be knocked down by storms!!!
wa-la! that's it for now! happy fin de semana to anyone reading this! :)

whon thot Aprille swithin potrzebie, the burgid prillie gives one heebie-jeebie. SPA FON! SQUA TRONT!! GASP!!!! CHOKE!!!!

james sez the place is an old speakeasy! they got food! they got booze! we got music! they got the unbeatable, unbearably smokin james & the blues express! we got fabulous phil hickerson & the dynamic dusk devils!
here's to a rockin good time for all, whether you're there or not. :)

the most amazing video ever made as well as another amazing road trip & tho overused here, amazing is a pretty apt & cool word.

- this sounds like pure boasting, & tho i never want to leave my house ever again (never meaning not tonight), i just got back from the coolest gig ever.
- a catastrophe went down (everyone's ok; don't worry) & candye kane put out a request & next thing i knew, she flew me out to green bay. outside the oneida in g.b., where they've had 3 awesome rockin' 50s festivals already, candye & co swung up as i stood there finishing a great quick read ("i'm not scared," by niccolo ammaniti). i jumped in their van (soon to be mine for 4 days), we took off north to marquette, mi & next day i got to go to a blues fest where candye headlined & i got to play bigshot-in-my-own-brain as folks asked if i was her manager & i nodded noncommitally, in what i thought might be a slightly mysterious, even possibly inscrutable manner, tho i maybe just looked dyspeptic & kind of like a freezing pocket mouse in my new-from-marquette-goodwill overcoat (it was dang cold!) & oversized shoes... then i got to see how festivals & fans treat well-loved, hard-working performers like candye: lots of well-deserved attention, adoration, everyone wanting to get up close to candye, dressed in her bawdy, pretty-peacock finery w/that big sweet smile on her heart-shaped face that just makes everyone love her, & then having to watch her have run-ins w/the occasional social retard... i guess there's no way to avoid such humans, no matter how much a person's loved... she took it w/grace & class, tho if i get to impersonate her manager ever again, i think i'll shut such twerps down cause candye & her whole dang band work too hard & are too nice a group to suffer fools...
- then we went in the trailer & ate some grub & candye unloaded about a recent entanglement in which she was treated really unfairly &amp by a know-it-all musician a**hole; said people were asking if i were her sister & then we found out we are both middle-named louise & she said some people you just have a connection w/ & maybe it's cause you knew them in another life & i was struck that someone else had told me such a thing earlier that very wk, & who knows? maybe it's true, maybe it's not, but in any event, i was flattered & also intrigued...
- next day they all flew home & my job began, so i embarked upon the rd to california, delivering the van home... it was a long adventure, but i had carl perkins, little walter, billie holliday, npr, weather, scenery, & my own meanderings to entertain me & continually was happy & stunned by where life can take a person, tho when i started talking to the van, i knew it was time to get this rd trip over & get back into the world of people...
- eventually i was sitting there in candye's beautiful old beachside home, an airy but cozy place filled w/funky antique & retro furniture, music, instruments, tchotckes, etc. & a sleepy ocean breeze that would lull me into near-stupor, if i lived there... generous, candid candye (you always know right where you are w/her; she is let-it-hang-out honest & a good friend, you can tell) treated me; her rmmate, artist mardi (who designs, cuts & builds really cool metal jewelry & place settings); & candye's best-bud, mischievous, quirky, gifted guitar genius laura c (she has an amazing face; someone should photograph her), to all-you-can-eat sushi (truly an american-japanese amalgamation, that). afterward, all were lying on the craftsman & googie couches & chairs & facebooking when laura jumped up & said, oh, i gotta show you something! this is so cool! and she then pulled up this incredible video... just wait til you see it. you'll be so happy; your life will be better. :)
- then my dear friend bill pulled up, he of the movie star looks & kooky smart-squirrel personality, & whisked me away to hang out w/him & my dear dear friend, his bride freddie... they are the happiest couple i know, funny & generous & so full of joy that they infuse everyone around them w/it. again, gratitude, gratitude, gratitude: such wonderful folks everyone is, from sturdy bassman kennan to candye's gifted son, drummer evan (he of the soulful eyes) to candye, laura, mardi, bill, freddie, & now i can't wait to see my family & loved ones & bandmates (once i sleep for about 96 hrs). right now i feel like my sponsor, who calls herself "the luckiest woman in the world," & in that ea person lives in his/her own world of subjective experience, i suppose i AM the luckiest woman in the world. it's a pretty dang good life, considering where it might've gone had i not been forced by the supreme spirit of the universe to put down the bottle & the hangover... ain't life grand? just to breathe air one more day, to not wonder why was i born, whywhywhy, to not hate anyone or oneself... ain't life grand?
- now am home & too tired to sleep, but to be home... home is the hunter, home from the hills, the sailor home from the sea... & the squirrel home from the tree, tho still w/plenty of nuts in her cheeks (whatever the heck that means. dang; it's getting late!).
- hope you love this video as much as i do. buona notte, buenos noches, bonne nuit... here's to you & me, may we never disagree, & if we do... ooh-poo-pah-doo (to quote jesse hill).

goddang pizza

exercise 50 mins + eat leftover pizza in fridge = up for many hrs dratting self & finding cool songs on youtube...
1. am trying to get the guys to learn this one... here it is, phil & mark!!!

2 he's a tough lover -- whoooo!! etta does little richard! :)

3. this is from a cool-sounded project, AMERICANA WOMEN. i love her confident tilt of head & drawl... not to mention right-hand action, which i'll never have...

-> link to music box project & AMERICANA WOMEN: http://www.youtube.com/user/MusicBoxProject
4. go, bloodshot bill, the wildest cat out there! no vocal effects, no wimpy rockabilly, wail, man, wail!
5. a special song for me, featuring the best teen drummer i've ever heard:
... ok, i think i'm all digested now.
that sounds funny. :)

kings (& queen) of the wild frontier... & some mushiness.

re wyoming band road trip: after hellishly long drive & my asthma attack (me saved by phil, mark, a rescuing-angel retired cop, & paramedics), we were treated like royalty at the absaroka state takeover car show... rooms, food, great payday, two slow-starting but super shows, saturday night ENCORE, for pete's sake, & drunkenly joyous, rowdy after-show-but-from-the-stage versions of johnny cash & jerry lee from moonshiners' car club pres & secretary, bros scott & john paul (handsome as movie stars, horsing-around friendly as one of your buddies from work)... this topped off by the phil's impromptu guitar god instrumental (apparently it was based on some AC/DC riff, heaven save us all). i wish to heck i'd had a video camera; you shoulda seen him & the band playing as the roaring-drunk crowd howled w/appreciation! except for the mark nearly peeling his entire hand off in blisters, the trip was fantastic, the long drive home going quite a lot smoother, me getting to know my friends much better. they are good fellows of great humor. :)
we rolled into bakoland in early morning hrs & the rest of the wk's been a bit of a blur except i got a frigging fantastic package of CDs & book "rock stardom for dumbsh*ts" from mel bergman of the phantom surfers/go-nuts... i mean, lord!! what a happy unexpected kick THAT was!... huge thanks to russ davidson, clint of the bozeman trail inn, & handsome scotty & the moonshiners' car club guys for hosting us & making us feel really dang special. i also thank the academy, as well as all the young women (& men) who approached me, hugged me, & told me how wonderful i was, including russ's beautiful wife. & i thank the folks in wyoming who looked at me like i just touched down from planet freakazoid, for they helped keep my ego in check. :)
i mean, WOW!! how does this amazing crap happen????
am hoping to get a copy of the radio show we did to excerpt here, if there's anything interesting there, that is... & that russ DOES come to bako & light this town up w/honky-tonks & great band offerings!
wouldn't that be swell, people? :)
last night was our 1st freeze here (in AUGUST!) & the lazy dogs just snuffled & snorted & wiggled in their little doggy-naps, & man, it's sure pretty outside. tonight's a fundraiser down (up?) in bako hosted by mom & dad for a young, idealistic school board candidate, which means i now must go find a socially acceptable, perhaps (if i'm lucky) somewhat attractive outfit.
this place is lovely, this life is lovely -- i just pray i don't think so cause things are going my way. some quotes from the bard:
- love sought is good, but given unsought, is better.
- they do not love that do not show their love.
- (& thoreau) there is no remedy for love but to love more.
i don't know where i'm going w/this... today, may we all be in its stream, & tomorrow ask again to take a swim, if there be no expectations attached to our request, that is...