(wo)man's best friend(s)

when the world is disappointing, dogs never disappoint (well, except when gusgus pees on my rugs). the top pic is of "the boys," who came to visit the other night & accompanied me as i put together a shelf & watched the simpsons. roscoe is the border collie; i used to joke we should have named him "fireworks" bc at the dog park, he jumps so high to catch his frisbee, people ooh & aah. he is a hyper & intelligent canine who knew 47 words & phrases, last i heard (& tho he looks like psycho dog in the 2nd pic, he's just yawning). on the right is gusgus, my texas walmart mutt who resembles a hovawart. he is lovable & kind-natured & just likes to be petted & eat. he is so sweet & devoted that when he digs holes & pees, it's forgivable. we used to call him "our special boy" bc unlike roscoe (named after chicken & waffles), gusgus (named by my little cousins in tx) is no rocket scientist. the last pic is of willie, the devil or angel mutt i brought home from school, but had to return bc i can't have pets (tho they visit).
a few dog quotes: dogs are miracles with paws (s. kennedy). my little dog - a heartbeat at my feet (e. wharton). we long for an affection altogether ignorant of our faults. heaven has accorded this to us in the uncritical canine attachment (g. eliot). dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. for me they are the role model for being alive (g. radner). dogs are proof of god (my sister angie).

boo!

sol omnibus lucet / devil doll devil doll rags & bones & battered shoes

beside self w/that warm feeling; i think it’s called peace! wow! ain’t felt that for some time… 1st wk of school left me w/the conviction that what i’m doing is IMPORTANT: these little kids need me! have 36-6th graders (the babies of the mid school) who don’t really read or compute what they read, an academically very low class, innocent & boisterous &, w/attention & love, so far responsive. i can help them!! haven’t felt that way about teaching in some time; what a gift. then there’s the library, which is shaping up beautifully! received a stunning art print set from smithsonian inst, so have gorgeous art all over my library. can’t wait to open! suiting up in teacher dresses & heels & hoofing all over this big school has been fatiguing & also detriment to my dogs, & speaking of dogs, i took a school stray home for a day & night & fretted so much over him, nearly got sick! i named him willie, hoping aunty rita would want him for her birthday (willie nelson’s her favorite), but that flat-lined, as did 4 other attempts to get willie a home, as did knocking on doors surrounding the school… he was an angel while w/me, demure, sweet, potty-trained, learned his name immediately, followed me like my little love, but i can’t have pets, so he had to go. but then a gal at wk took him home that next day (not before i blubbered like a big baby about the whole thing) & he became devil dog, peeing on everything, bothering her other dogs, howling all night! she brought willie back next a.m., set him down, & willie ran home!… beyond this drama was the letting-go of a few drummers; some good times in my little abode w/tasty home-cooked meals (amazing! i don’t cook, yet i did!); ribs w/art fein, who stopped off en route from crescent city (& described bo diddley coming out on stage at one show as being “like zeus descending from the heavens”); went to secret hot springs in kern canyon & managed to fall in kern river & lacerate my leg; went to my favorite secret society mtg & saw a friend nearly get in a fist-fight, right in the meeting hall!; got interviewed by memphis mike, a friendly, garrulous mug who asked me what dusk devils meant, so it was fun to tell him; just overate on mom’s pancakes & am nearly comatose now. hope cakes settle so’s i can go for a little run once the sun calls it a day…
and… most important for my band… we have a new dusk devil. :) i’m excited, but feel a bit like ernie k. doe’s “a certain girl,” so won’t go into it right now too much cause why spoil a good thing by blabbing too much at the outset? i’ll just say he’s warm & affable, responsible, has great timing, has good musical influences, & loves the idea of being in this band!
time to do some lesson plans. happy wk to anyone reading this, or reading anything, for that matter! too many cannot!

arrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhh!!!!!

they finally posted the results for the final summer series 5k &... (hold applause, doff hats, bow heads, ready hankies)... i was not in 2nd place this time. yes, for the last one (pix of that particular suffering are elsewhere on this blog), incredibly, nay, miraculously, i came in 2nd, even getting a nice write-up on printcasting.com that i'll quote here: "Taking second is a long time Andy Noise (when he was known as a record store) friend Jenny *** aka Jenny Angel. She is a member of the Dusk Devils band and always is sporting a great rockin t-shirt and her trademark shades." (i think andy - aka, paul - might've written this.) when they posted online my new start time, it said -1:52. cool; i could get there on time for that. but when i got to the race, my start time for some reason had moved up to -0:41. immediately i was seized w/the gotta-get-to-the-john-now-jones, waited in line w/various fit anglo people in running togs for what didn't seem too long, got my number sharpied on my arm (a disturbing look, really) & shlubbed on up to the start line only to see they were already up to -0.10. "i'm late!!" i sputtered to the girl taking time slips, & waited like what seemed an eternity before she grabbed mine & urged me to go. i bolted off, & thought i'd run harder than ever before, but when i got to the end, all the young kids, the real runners, the track people were stacked up in this HUGE HUGE line!! so we didn't even get our times counted for at least a minute... i took that to be a good sign at the time, that i'd come in at the same time as all the fast people (tho they started after i did), but today's postings say i came in...108th place. geez, what a great defeat it was to see that number: one-hundred-eighth...
i blame my lateness. i mean, i coulda been a contender.
ha!
well, school started & i'm cautiously optimistic. the classroom's well-organized & students seem lilliputian, sweet, ready to learn, & i have (please, great pumpkin, save me from saying this) A Plan (too late; it's out). so school feels ok right now, tho still have urge to run away & live in algiers, LA where life'd be perfect, mebbe, except for hurricane season.
compared to school, much else in life seems poised over the bowl maybe about ready to be flushed, & is that good or bad? when my favorite aunt, whom i loved so much altho she tortured me, used to hang me over the bowl & tell me she was gonna flush me, it definitely was bad. now, what i think is so bad, well... maybe i know nothing. squat, nada, jack. i got nothin, brudda, except knowledge that those kids'll be there tomorrow morning, & god & the good of the universe & buddha & allah & the great spirit bless them one & all.

burning the candle at both ends

no pix from meathead's party at the dome... it will air next wk on brighthouse on demand, tho. they had a great set-up w/live editing van. sound was difficult. meathead plans to make a drive-in movie set-up. wow! deke show went fun - hard to hear from the stage. was nervous about the band sleeping set-up, but he'd gotten a hotwire rm. crazy joe was that & more. they switched instruments thruout the show. deke hitched up his drawers at show's end & did this bizarre elmer fudd-lux interior rap, then moonwalked "in remembrance of the king of pop." r&r pizza 1st set was so great: we sounded like austin's ginny's longhorn saloon honky-tonk. 2nd set, rick played w/us; thank you, rick. pizza was great, all in all a busy & productive wkend. thank you, michelle, for the flowers for my hair. thank you, family & friends, for "being there." this a.m. brought a nightmare about my puppy & a mtg re divorce papers. my husband is a consummate gentleman, but still, it's so sad. pat & i visited a fellowship friend, a beautiful lady, in icu. headed for a mtg. life life life. don't wanna quote jim morrison, but he was true to say "no one here gets out alive." bleh. must keep moving forward, trudging... thank goodness for the good called music. b helped me bring my stereo to my houselet (like i said, what a gentleman), so i listened to louis jordan & johnny horton this a.m.
this is all over the place, so bye for now.

guitar geek a go-go; www.dekedickerson.com

we're playing friday night at fishlips in bakersfield (flyer below) w/this fellow:

deke is well-worth seeing: international rockabilly star, late of untamed youth, dave & deke combo, american musicologist, promoter/ supporter/ player at fantastic events like rockin 50s & ponderosa stomp (& his own annual guitar geek fest), highly admired sideman, writer for guitar world mag, vinyl collector/geek, etc etc etc. it's gonna be one high energy, fun & wild show!
cover's $7, not $5, i just found out from the cal. hope you'll be there, if you can. guitar players & music fans will plotz & girls will scream. i myself will have my fun, & believe if you go, that you will, too!

blablabla

this was a pic from a recent relay for life show: quite fun! thanks to ann, jim's (drummer's) wife, for taking it... summer's almost gone & it's been fun camping & hiking, going to the beach, going on runs, traveling in general, tho i know i'm just trying to stay gone, is pt of the reason i've been so busy. soon enough school'll start for me, both as student & teacher, so then will be time to hunker down & stay put. but i hope the next 10 days or so'll bring more adventures. recently i was walking on the venice beach boardwalk & heard a familiar raspy shout. "that sounds like carlos guitarlos," thought i, & it WAS. as i approached, he nimbly morphed his lyrics on the spot to make playful reference to him & me & bakersfield in his song... i wish i'd had my camera. i stood nearby & huckstered a few cds for him, then it was time to move on to find food.
the weather there & here's been beautiful & mama & aunt rita are staring at me & making jokes as i type, so guess i should sign off & go wash beach sand out of the truck, pick up the dog boys, then meet my friends for band practice.

good friends, good eats, good god, let's eat

(grandpa phil's good-humored tho some might say blasphemous dinner prayer)
tho i told people not to bring gifts, i still got lovely & cool gifts. tho i sed don't bring food, people brought delicious grub, anyhow (mark, a mini mart's worth of little debbie!). people like to give. people are generous & good. what a memorable & happy time i had, & i hope everyone else did, too! :) i love my friends & family & am grateful to be around these days. a friend wrote to me on a bd card, "i am so happy to be in this world at the same time you are." wow!
many music friends showed up & played various styles. when my band played, friends gathered in the small living area & in my periphery, i could see them beaming & bopping w/such joyful fervor, it really lit me up. jim, mark, & phil grinned w/good cheer, there in my little living rm w/such a swell little crowd.
"you made me feel so happy, like i was young again," smiled penni, who is always so sincere.
yes, what a lovely time yesterday was, & what a lazy day today is: i didn't even leave the house til 2 pm! these are the last days of summer for me, as well as the dog days, so i don't feel so bad... what a treasure, to lounge around my little pad, lazily cook cereal & toast, go back to bed, nap, read, then have leftover bd cake w/tea, now using the net while sitting under a tree at central park. they put a nice riverwalk in here; it's really lovely here, on this blazing, texas-like day. it's humid & the sun is so bright, it burns the skin. i feel alive. a young couple are kissing over by the river archway. kids shout & trot & jump on the nearby crayola-hued play equipment. a cool breeze just swept by, mysteriously, out of noplace. is there anywhere better right now? no, my friend, there isn't, & may you feel the same about your present condition. :) now it's time to scram, for, thinking of my father, i quote, "he who loveth much saith little."

good grace in part involves accepting kindness; thank you, memphis mike, who lives online at http://memphismike.com & many other places

pat (the wisest woman in the world) has told me i need to acknowledge & accept compliments, & moreover, believe & internalize them wherever possible (good lord!! do you do that?)... memphis mike wrote this a few days ago & i just saw it cause i'm not online regularly these days, so i post it here since, frankly, i think it's unbelievably nice that he wrote these compliments unsolicitedly! :) he is the fellow who has told me i have a "phil [alvin]-like grin," which i take as high compliment, tho other women perhaps would be insulted & shocked because it does not mean pretty, but to my mind DOES mean interesting. phil alvin looks something like a deranged bugs bunny when he grins, but he is loved, lusted, & revered for this & other qualities such as prodigious talent & fervent commitment to ideas, & so i, lover of monsters beautiful & horrifying, am most flattered... :) here's what mike wrote:
Tomorrow is my friend Jenny's birthday...and I want her to have the most excellent one EVER!
Backstory: A few years back, I picked up The Blasters' live DVD and aside from a truly memorable performance, I noticed the cameraman pan to a certain chicky with the coolest, most insane grin on her face. Some time later, I had a friend request on McSpaz and thought to myself, "Gee, she looks familiar." Turns out it's the same chick!
Long story short, we've become pretty good buds. I think she's about as sweet as diabetic blood and I want her to have an especially great b-day this year. Soooooooo...I'm putting links to some of her & her band's (The Dusk Devils, from Bakersfield, CA) video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zc18WHzIsJE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJQMnoV6dZM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zrf7wzkHCuo
Send the girl some extra special Yinzer love! She deserves it!
And Ynnej, I best be seeing a big ol' grin SOON! ;-)

dusk devils aug 09 shows

it's all too much

...but it'll pass. pat, the wisest woman in the world, in my reckoning, says "life is short, honey. do you want to spend it in pain?" no, i don't. she said a bunch of other stuff, too, about being a grownup & learning to say no & boundaries & listening to & heeding my gut, not just listening, then dismissing it. she says "mean what you say, say what you mean, & don't say it mean." she'd tell you herself she didn't invent that one.
-> impossible to think that one month ago was new orleans, the most beautiful place in the world... guess at this pt i'm counting the days til bd parties (1st for mama, cousin mitch, & i; then w/band & friends at my place)... was gonna leave this town this a.m., jump ship, but pat said no, you stay put. true, staying put, i can't run from feelings, responsibility, etc., & the squirming subsides, & i know life'll improve, but for now, it still feels like drowning & suffocating whenever i let my brain relax & think about It All. doesn't help it's 111 degrees. doesn't help i'm my own misery-making machine. however, i know awareness of a problem is the beginning of freedom from it. drop the rock. surrender to win. (but i really don't believe that win-lose dichotomy. i mean, we all go the same place in the end, just stardust, just skeletons.)
a few songs:
life is short. filled with stuff. don't know what for. ain't had enough.
you know i believe i'm gonna leave this town cause it hasn't brought me nothing but heartache and sorrow now, so i believe, oh i believe i'm gonna leave this town tomorrow.
maybe i'll jump ship anyhow, go see manuel, donna & kids, ruben (tho he'll prob be working), the barndance. doesn't matter anymore, i don't think. i guess i can do whatever i want, long as i don't hurt anyone (intentionally)... just gotta make it thru this summer alive... i know i'll get my smile back, & i hope a mature & happy heart, too.
stay sick, turn blue. dusk devils por vida. if you read this, amico mio, again remember: LIFE IS SHORT!

blablabla

(pic from www.andynoise.com, "home of kern county athletics") when i arrived at last night's run, paul anderson & friend made fun of my shorts: "are those leather?" "no, i think they're pleather," they said. he decided they fit my "rock star image." i told him they were from the texas thrift store. that's the name of the place - off the 35 in north austin! it's almost like a college used book store - i got a bunch of great titles, & could've gotten more if i'd had more rm in my suitcase.
last night's run was difficult (over 100 again), but great. the feeling after running is absolutely exhilarating. today is band practice, & i can't wait. i'm hoping to have myself a bd party - invite friends, family, musicians who like the stuff i like; we'll see. meanwhile, have been housesitting for my folks & am taking the dog boys back to their dad. it's been nice to hang out w/them. they live in the moment & love unconditionally. as angie sister says, "dogs are proof of god." booyah.
-p.s. - this gal is awesome: www.youtube.com/user/ivoryticklermama

life goes on without me

- to quote louis prima, my future ex-husband in my next life... the consequent lyric in that wonderful tune doesn't apply much to me cause tho i sometimes have that feeling that "i ain't got nobody, nobody cares for me," i know it's just the shyster between my ears letting itself be heard like it sometimes does, the bugger.
- this summer's felt in a way like crunch time thru & thru: 1st moving, w/all the accompanying strife & slipping out of town semi-frequently to try to avoid heartache; then the extra work week; then the hoop-jumping teacher class; then the trip of a lifetime; then my sobriety bd (friends! cake! love! thank you, dear jani, dan m, sally c, & all others who wished me well!); then trying to pass my library class (put in an 11-hour work day to finish the final assignment the other day) while cousin & brood & all these family members visited; then band practices; then uncle henry's funeral w/full military honors (b showed up, sincere & responsible, because uncle henry was his friend, & w/water for the old people, & tho i was grateful he was there, it made it much sadder)... only now, after today's gig, do i feel like i can start relaxing, tho tomorrow i take my cousin to the airport up north.
but today's gig! what fun! drummer jim hit most spots right, & he's developed the "push" i like to hear, the oomph, the torque (as brian p used to say) a good song needs. philbert & mark were duded up, friendly, funny, & played really great! as we were trying to get the sound dialed in, we bantered w/each other like we do & the girl announcer said, "yes, ladies & gentlemen, you probably didn't know the dusk devils are a comedy act, too..." we started the 1st song & the piano glopped from the monitors like pure mud, like the bottom of a bathtub, only discernible when i moved above middle C. still, i could hear my vocals & the others, so as is so often the case, pushed on thru! dedicated one to uncle henry, kids danced, people clapped & cheered (& left their relay laps to sit down & listen!)... overall, i think this was the best relay for life gig i've gotten to do. not bad!... afterward, we all drove back to bako, the dusk devils comedy show, til mark started nodding off. then we got fish & chips at the bowling alley & came back to my house to unload & watch pt of faster pussycat kill! kill! while waiting for mark's 2nd gig that night. when we found out it was cancelled, everyone went home & now here i sit, feeling thankful to get to play music w/such swell friends. i feel pretty calm & happy, not wired & weird, like sometimes happens, so believe it'll be mimis time here shortly. life is good, in my clean little house w/my new yamaha clavinova peeking at me from the living rm. (know will have to go play it for a while before turning in.).
besides scoring that great piano (from salvation army! 250 bucks!!), the most exciting music event for me recently was seeing the preservation hall jazz band in fresno. mom & dad took me for my birthday & w/the 1st notes, tears jumped from my eyes & my throat swelled w/happiness: if you've been there, instantly you were transported back to the big easy, filled w/such a longing to be there again RIGHT NOW, but that would mean missing the romance of that lovely music, the loose dixieland bluesy-woozy feel, the exquisite camaraderie & friendly repartee, the warmth & generosity the band radiated to the audience... i bought every bit of swag they had & then at the end of the 2nd act, they did 2 amazing things: one was a 2nd-line around the tower theatre's perimeter, band leading audience, on "when the sts go marching in;" then a finale in which the band caravanned up the aisles & out the door, playing the whole way the rhumba-clave "el manicero," & drew the audience out to the foyer where all grouped around as the musicians continued playing out on the street, just like they would in nola, & then they concluded & the audience cheered in the happiest union of audience/performers i've seen in some time. all the way home, dad, mom, & i yakked a mile a minute, so swelled up w/love & music & gratitude to have been together to see such a great new orleans institution... if you get any chance to go, don't miss the preservation hall jazz band!!! http://www.preservationhall.com/ choko mo feel no hey, and bonne nuit, baby!!

what a lovely way to burn

some things i've learned: don't go running when you've just eaten. be on time for the race. don't run if it's over 100 degrees. the above picture shows me having violated all of these, & tho i look about to keel, i must say i had a cool shirt on! :)
yes, despite it all, yesterday's run was fun!!! go to to www.andynoise.com for pictures & more info.
we're practicing in 1/2 hr! i'm so excited! ... even tho the little house is a hotbox. we're gonna rock!

uncle henry, rest in peace

since am in new orleans, was able to light a candle for him at st louis cathedral & also take the ferry across the mississippi to algiers, LA. uncle henry was raised in the church & also was a life-long sailor with that deep love of the sea in his heart. am normally water-averse, but gliding across the big, scary, looming depths, gazing out on the watery expanse & feeling the cooling spray, let me contemplate him & his love more deeply & wish his soul eternal peace.
we will never, never forget him.

that's why i'm walkin to new orleans...

this is it. the trip of my lifetime starts tomorrow. i will go to the following places: san antonio, lake charles, new orleans, austin, & (near) fort worth. the band will continue on while i'm away. i am happy & nervous, sad & excited. have waited so very long to see the crescent city. it's finally gonna happen.
today's gig was ok, nice weather, ok sound, ok set, but afterwards phil & i walked around the fairgrounds & looked at all the swag & then went & had dewar's & he got ice cream & hot fudge for his family & dropped me off & now i'm gonna say goodbye to my family, & all in all, this has been a good day. am thankful for the opportunities for life experiences. wishing anyone reading this the best...

the latest, not the greatest, not depravest nor the ravest

-rip to al h, who was sponsor & mentor to so many men around here... brian faithfully read to him weekly, & jani cared for al & his wife, too. b & j & everyone like them are very special & great people for their spirit of service; they always show up, always help others. al will be dearly missed by all who knew him.
- we're playing saturday at the thunder run at the fairgrounds. we go on at 1145, but might bump up to 1130. don't know if there's entrance fee. if you ride a murdersickle or just like them, you might go on over & check it out.
- after us is mud wrestling. and there ya go.
-spent wkend w/my dear friend donna, the most resourceful woman in the world, for her lovely kids' graduations. we walked around claremont & i got a count basie cd for $3. she scored me near-free furniture cause she knows how to do that kinda thing. we watched little miss sunshine (levon considers me the movie guru, sez his mom). drove to chino to some breakfast place that had the biggest pancakes i'd ever seen in my whole life. the gargantuan portions made the old friendly cafe in oildale look kinda wimpy. amazing. jogged to a 645 am mtg @ the triangle club. got back & was coming out of the john & there was ruben, all slicked up like for a gig. we played beatles songs w/lovely daughter laurel. more bargains w/donna, then i hit the road. the mountains were beautiful & if this is global warming, well brother, i guess that's that. it's super gorgeous here, & how amazing. it should be 200 degrees.
- art fein says he'd like to produce our next recording. he even said something about the blasters, but i couldn't hear cause my head's too screwed on crooked these days. friends continue to send nice emails; gene taylor & memphis mike even sent songs.
- deke dickerson sez if i show up at fats domino's door, he might sign my record on account of my appearance. not sure what i think of that, but if i get a signature, i gotta get one for deke, too, who says he's waited outside fats's house 10x & never got a john hancock. that would be some score, all right.
- we practice at the mini house & the neighbors still haven't called the cops. something nice happens each time, like yesterday all the cats (aka the little crap machines) came out & laid on the pavement to dig the vibrations. when we were done, the breeze outside refreshed & the cool sky stretched & billowed. we have big skies here; i've never noticed really til a friend from back east pointed it out. all does feel free, in this sad lonely & weird time of my life, but then again, it's not 200 degrees here yet.
- am 60% done w/a dog & pony bunch of classes i'm taking. actually they've been pretty substantial & the teacher's nice & the biggest problem is i never sleep now more than 4-5 hrs, so guess whatever trouble i'm having is my own fault. my library school teacher, who must be an angel, gave me a deadline extension on the unit i'm supposed to be writing. don't know when i'm gonna pack for trip, get renter's insurance, take care of the 100 other little things. am mostly moved, but sure miss tv (as well as other more important things).
- when i get back from my train trip, it's bound to be like the inferno here. for now, must enjoy the balmy days, the cool evenings, cherish every moment. re life, don't wonder why, don't borrow trouble. "don't look back," said donna. "my family never looks back; we just keep moving." i guess that's good advice.
- gonna go visit the canine babies now. i hope i can sneak them over here some night. c'est la vie, and how.

ah, good taste! what a dreadful thing. taste is the enemy of creativity.

(name that artist)
- i received as a gift a handmade raku bowl. the guy who gave it to me & i talked at length about the arts & i recalled how my ex-guitar player used to call me "narrow minded" cause am not one of those who "likes everything." this guy told me such strong reaction can alienate people & tho my 1st thought was, "well, [to heck w/] them," i guess growing up's learning to accept other people's tastes & be respectful of them. i do wanna do that on some level bc i like people in general & don't want to hurt them & after all, here in america, everyone's entitled to their opinions.
- then i recalled being in austin yrs ago w/a boyfriend who insisted we go in this beer bar that had good drink specials. problem was the heavy metal hair band playing inside, & tho i warned him i couldn't stomach the music, he insisted we go in & just listen for a while, & sure enough, yeah, i was bombed, but it was the music that made me sick. it hurt; it was repulsive; it was just flat-out wrong.
- i'm like art fein cause i can't go in stores playing bad music, can't be at parties w/bad music, can't listen to the radio most of the time, can't tune it out at all, & it does make life tough sometimes, for me & those around. so much of the time i keep my mouth shut & then i just start to feel sick... how much is real & how much is middle class privilege? it does feel genuine, oppressive, disheartening. so i'm thinking maybe "narrow-mindedness" or strong reaction to the arts can be a form of self-preservation, like the way early humans were signaled to not eat the poisonous plants bc nature gave warning by making such vegetation unpalatably bitter. why expose oneself to visceral unpleasantness? why puke in an austin doorway when the ears have amply warned that such noise will bring illness? run, wear earplugs, don't go in to begin w/, change the channel immediately... just say no to bad art.
- bad art & prose/poetry are easier to stomach; they don't simper, shout, or scream at you like bad music does; if they suck, you simply can avert your eyes & still be ok. bad movies & plays are trickier cause of setting... but bad music, that just makes life more like death.
- what defines bad? for me, it's a little voice inside, the voice that knows all, that is always right, & says things such as "you must do this tho it is painful because it is your truth" or "just don't drink today" or "go help that person" or "keep your mouth shut" or "just go to work" or "be nice"... my little voice is saying "little richard" & "new orleans" & "go cat go." and, dang it, "go to bed." what does your little voice declare? remember the oracle at delphi...
- in short, the guy who gave me the bowl was just trying to control me.

i've never seen a night so long,
when time goes crawling by.
the moon just went behind a cloud,
to hide its face and cry.
just went thru the saddest experience of my entire life. if anyone speaks one bad word about brian briggs, i am writing him or her off forever. please don't do it; it's not helpful at all. if anyone speaks badly of me, which i guess some are right now, i must handle it & realize it's a reflection on them, anyway. i know who i am & also that brian briggs has been a good & noble man. we will both be happier eventually, tho now feels like living death.

exhilaration & gratitude

so fortunate to be able to feel. music, children & the good humans of this earth, flowers, the outdoors, nighttime & dawn, wit & kindness, exercise bringing immediate endorphin rush: i have a feeling dial, & it's near-always at max. when sadness hits, it's a tsunami that feels like drowning. but when i'm happy, boy am i happy & can feel rapturous life, & wow. :) yesterday the band came over & we hacked away for a few hrs as the neighbors twirled around on their bikes & one came over to say they liked the music, then i drove out to the 1st summer series past hart pk & there were 100s of other folks there! we started out slow as cattle, all packed together, then spread out & it was half uphill, a slow climb, all dirt, warm but w/a refreshing breeze blowing, & kenny walker from my school, who used to run competitively, coached me on my stride. near the top of the grade, endorphins hit in a happy blast & the rest of the evening was gliding bliss; nothing could dampen the perfect feeling i had. i am so grateful for last night. :)
- here are pix from paul a, who used to have andy noise records in bako forever: http://www.andynoise.com/btc-summer-series-09.html i come in on pg 7 or so & have to say tho my legs're all beat up from moving, i've got the coolest shirt of the bunch (gun club fire of love). lou, the paulsens, kenny, all were there & what a beautiful, wonderful experience!
- near-nothing's as lovely as running, i don't think; it's top-5 for me & i can't wait to do it more & get stronger. we finished as dusk descended & noshing on bagel hunks & drinking gatorade & standing around yacking i thought, man, in the midst of sadness, to get to do this stuff certainly seemed blessed. twilight fell in melancholy blush & then evening came cool & clear; took a drive to ethel's for hotdogs & watermelon (all kinds of people from the run were there), then a nighttime drive up round mtn road & found a quiet spot & pulled over & walked down this white, weedy arroyo & crouched in the dirt & listened to the night & the stars & i am lonely but feel lately that wild adventure i had in my youth, tho w/o the aberrance & craziness that most often used to be me... this, too, shall pass.
- may today some or much exhilaration & gratitude be yours... will have a very important mtg today, have no expectations, but do hope it will result in the least pain & most closure & relief for all.