oh, i wish i was an oscar meyer weiner, that is what i'd truly like to be, for if i were an oscar meyer weiner, everyone would be in love with me...

that was a test. if you knew that song, you are of A Certain Age. it taught all us kids at that time use of the subjunctive, even if we didn't know that's what it was called (& who needs to know nowadays, anyways? except that the subjunctive is the coolest of all tenses, i think!: the "what if?")... i was dreaming about being in a car with my family & james & a big, big wave was crashing over the car as we kept driving, probably related to beautiful surfing videos we watched in eatery yesterday when our conversation went frm hawaii to hell. then he & i were driving right to the edge of a deep, deep canyon & i was saying, "look, honey, look!" & we both were scared & vertiginous (i just wanna use that word!!), but we were gonna go down in that deep, deep canyon to see what we could see! then i was following exene into a bookstore... i didn't talk to her, but she was talking about honky-tonk music & then there i sat at a piano, playing some moon mullican... obviously i'm no lucid dreamer cause i only ever get snippets like i just wrote down, but the next thought is this: how DID a weenie like me marry such a tough man? that man is tough as nails, w/a mouth that'd make a sailor cry & the sometimes ferocious pugnacity of a fighter (which he was). but he's also sweet as a puppy. sincerely! i relate cause i'm either gidget/mary poppins or a blubbering lump of want-to-die. the moods shift like earthquakes, like tsunamis! yesterday, i just LOST IT! i was all alone, so i could really let it rip, let those demons fly! but from that particularly violent mental crash came sweet release & calm & then we had an afternoon & eve of total love & adventure... we headed out for a benefit/tribute up north, but had mechanical failure & our plans were dashed. we were disappointed, but mama said, you can only do what you can do, & you can't do everything... yes, i feel different today. do you ever need to really lose it to gain it back even stronger? a weenie's gotta get cooked & burst some before it's really good eating. i know that metaphor makes little sense, but james is real good at them, & i'm working on it by osmosis. ok, now that i'm ready to serve, time to go for a run. yes, this weenie likes to run. good day or eve, sir or ma'am.

bah! the brain! what a waste of electricity!

(b*tch session ahead:) ... i don't know why i wrote that except i just read a review of the latest oliver sacks book &, as usual, i just feel mixed up. my whole life, i've been told to toughen up. it just doesn't happen. and the moods... and the crazies... how they strike... argh. he has them, too. some call it "creative temperament." often it feels wonderful, like the brain is on fire w/life & love & light & ideas, & then five minutes later: crash... yes, our emotions change like waves: up down in out huge small wild calm peaceful chaotic silly mean passionate erratic volatile never boring, that's for dang sure... we slept at the mountain home for a bit last night after wonderful family holidays, then trucked back to the beach apartment after late-nite denny's to get home to the boy, & today brought a nice cool jog & great yard sale run by two friendly gals & i got james a replacement mini-helicopter (which he immediately landed on the apartment complex roof - goodbye!) as well as some oddities for christmas gifts & a hula bride of frankenstein & some really choice books! then we gussied up & drove to riverside & into hilly land beautiful w/palms & orange groves to a musician wedding at which a very irritating human showed up & basically i allowed this human to spoil my fun, tho james said i, "as usual," "acted like a lady." meanwhile, tho, i knew what foulness brewed in the old coconut. argh. expectation bringing internal discord: one irritating person gets my magic magnifying mind rolling on conspiracies & patterns of behavior & how "they" gnaw my nerves & "of courses" & "i knew this'd happen" & pretty soon i feel quite superior yet inferior, quite grouchy around some ppl, who seem to me to be not just moronic lemmings who yet seem to know all the answers, but, damningly, have the "big fish in small pond" mentality. i know of a number of these types lately, all situated in a certain northerly area. grow up, people. play music for the music. stop namedropping. stop showing off!! play well. smile. be humble. be honest!! act like a lady or like a gentleman. be brave & gracious. don't be stupid & loud. don't butt in where you're unwanted. don't be a sleazebag. say nice things... or shut up!!!! go away!!!!! die!!!!!!! argghhh!!!!!... anyways, the groom was sincere & heartfelt; his tears touched all, i think. then we posed w/our friends in a photobooth (seemingly a wedding trend; angie & doug had one at theirs; quite fun)... then on the ride home we had a long talk about our changing lives & music; i concluded that my problem is i want everything yesterday & that one month from now, it will be a brand new life for us both & all. (sing: "everything's coming up roses")... we stopped at costco & salved our mood-dip w/decadent ice cream bars coated w/toasted almonds & brought a pizza home to the boy, who when we came in was sitting happily at his computer w/his lovely (girl)friend... we unloaded the behemoth keyboard & hauled it upstairs where i played for quite a while &, finally feeling all filled up again, turned, & there was my husband w/hands on my waist & large romantic eyes & once again music inspired us to be whole & happy & one again. that is all.