haunted... and full

-i woke up this morn haunted after getting home from new orleans last night.  i've gotten to go on many, many trips --- so lucky in that & many other ways -- but've never experienced THIS, the feeling i should still be there or left part of me there. went to new orleans once before & didn't leave with that sense... james, sometimes such the pragmatist, said simply, "oh, you got jetlag."
-so for now i'll just write about what i ate bc too much more would overwhelm me again, & i'm sitting here in bakersfield (angie & mama picked me up so i could be here w the family while james is down south tomorrow, i hope w/his!), sitting here at mama's computer NOT feeling haunted, so wanna not go there...
1. at LAX, shake shack burger & black & white shake (gave james half the burger, which was delicious)
2. on plane, the "tapas" box, which was filled w/stuff like almonds & hummus & a fig bar...
3. once in new orleans, we ate at praline connection on frenchman st (more live music -- most of it pretty good! -- in one place than we've ever seen, including at sxsw!) & i had file gumbo, little slices of gator sausage on bed of lettuce (which we shared), buttered bread, & a real rootbeer (not diet!)
4. next morn i ate plane leftovers (little crispy cookies) while waiting for james to wake up
5. at nearby who dat coffee house, a cup of grits w/cheese & a buttered biscuit w/jam... & coffee
6.  beignet with powdered sugar at cafe beignet in french quarter
7. apple, some jambalaya, some fancy salad from matassa's market (owned by cosimo matassa's sons!)
8. a snickers ice cream bar (i went to get james some medicine & stopped off at dollar tree)
9. late-night grub ordered in from verti marte on suggestion of house mom marlene: broccoli w/fettucini alfredo
10. then next day 2 buttermilk donut drops from mardi gras zone, now my favorite place in the world... and community coffee, the  best on earth
11.  then i don't remember... it rained like hell that day... braved the buckets to get pix of rampart & dumaine (from prof longhair's song "go to the mardi gras," of course) as well as cosimo matassa plaque
11. oh yeah; another beignet & coffee from cafe du monde, then two bites of gator on a stick before i gave it to james
12. we tried to go to elizabeth's in the bywater, but it was closing, so we went to liuzza's on the track & i had a cup of gumbo & garlic bread w/butter
13. that night after seeing nathan & the zydeco cha-chas at rock 'n' bowl, we went to camellia grill (disappointing this time w/o the burly cadre of loud-talking, loud-joking handsome waitstaff) & i had red beans & rice & white toast w/butter (shared w/james) (haunted to see a waiter from last time on a large poster w/many other waiters reading "rest in peace"... what happened to them all??? i was last there in 2009, which was after katrina... what happened?!?! how could so many of them have passed away in the last 8.5 years???)
14. next morn, two more buttermilk donut drops & coffee from mardi gras zone
15. we visited fats domino's house in the lower ninth ward, set to be a museum, & cried & rampaged  together due to the reality of this place called new orleans (in addition to all the wonderful, it's segregated, gentrified, & home to the horrific & horrifically-handled tragedy, hurricane katrina). then we had lunch at joey k's on magazine street, which reminded me unpleasantly of west LA (specially after where we'd just been, felt like spitting on the affluent-looking white tourists & garden district rich people), but we enjoyed our last hurrah meal: shared appetizer of breaded fried eggplant smothered w/creole white sauce & topped w/shrimp & my dish, appetizer portion of shrimp remoulade salad
17. on plane home, hummus w/crackers
this morn... prunes.
i could write a whole lot more, but don't think i will. yet rereading this, i see i was unable to keep the haunted feelings from creeping into this post. that is as it should be.
next time we go, which i hope will be soon, there will be so much more to see... hope i will reconcile my feelings about stirring, romantic, devastated, & indelible ville de nouvelle-orleans before then. i've only been there one other time, but palpably so much had changed since before: geographically, it was less ruined, the piles of hurricane debris & destroyed houses long-gone, but where were all the locals this time, the ones male or female who called you "baby" in that heart-breaking drawl? where were the people mingling freely, irrespective of age or race?
"a person would have to have no heart to see this & not feel something." - james

gettin close

we are going to NOLA in just a few days... wow!!!!

it's sat morn & the torrential rains have stopped, sun shining brightly, happily, cat rolling fatly in his window seat, james excitedly yapping as he watches cab calloway video & spouts stories about hanging out/being cab's assistant many years ago... heading to yoga, gonna walk, hoping hip/leg pain will abate... vacation has started & yesterday was wild & happy as the kids made hot cross buns, each going home w/little buns to bake.. james yelling with laughter, "look at his face, honey!" he's just tickled watching his idol on video, "that's how he looked
when i met him, honey!" (looks like a  handsome version of grandpa ralph, brown face, silver slicked back hair, bagged eyes, wide mouth, thin moustache)..."sh*t!" james mutters (he really despises critics, he says, which is funny to me bc he knows i've written critically, but he likes what i've written...)
james was in bakoland yesterday w/mom & dad & brought home from gail & bruce a 4 1/2 octave keyboard/synthesizer & some amps & it was so nice of them to give him those, but i still gotta figure out how to repair BOTH my full keyboards... last wk was james's happy 52nd bd wkend, w/beautiful lunch w/sister sherri & james jr & sunday bd in bakersfield, then at last wk's birthday gig down south  for james, the place was PACKED, just packed, people spilling out the doors, happy, drinking, dancing, crazy, & we thought my keyboard & amp had survived the roll-over crash in which the green hornet went to the great autoyard in the sky, but no, they did not. after just two songs, they died, & no combination of changing plugs, cords, inputs would revive them. so i watched the rest of the show from the back corner behind lambert & we went home & there were no fights, no arrests, no one got hurt, it was a good time even w/my disappointment of broken gear...
i'll worry about these repairs upon our return from NOLA.
NOLA!
i've only gone once, & this time will be so much better, happier, funner, wholesomer [sic]...
i'm going to NOLA with james!
here are some pix from krystal, who is quite a photographer...

whiteboy james's birthday this saturday, march 17

yes, he was born on st paddy's day. so appropriate!
this past week really stank!! -- but now it's over & we have both vehicles back & i am no longer ill & james is in line to make all needed phone calls tomorrow... the best thing about this past week is i was selected as teacher of the month by our swell new principal & i got closer w/my wonderful school friends, who shuffled me around while i was wheel-less. yesterday we went & got the white shadow from bakersfield, where dad had lovingly had it repaired. james & i had very tasty meal at a japanese restaurant with dear sweet mama, then he sawed logs at the gias' while i attended to procuring provisions from the local big lots store...
i know; this post is boring; what can i say? i just ate a quesadilla & feel mildly queasy... and to continue the unremarkable news, i need to see if my amp still works after it was bounced all over I-5 in james's car accident... and if i can get my stand to stand or if i will need to get another before saturday. oh; and do school work: there's always that.
in other news, two weeks to vacation, & we got a pet-sitter to care for her highness the dog & his highness the gato while we're gone.
that's a big yippee!!
here's the flyer for saturday. james likes candy, magic tricks, cheesy tortilla chips, chicken (to eat, not raise), marvel comic books, kool cigarettes, and lots of cash money. thank you for your attention!

can't move.

...more accurately, won't.
two trips in two days to bakoland & back. not much running of late because of extreme cold. (last night, penny & i made it out for 1 mile; it was 19 degrees! one miles was all we could do! it hurt to breathe!) beautiful now; i could be pounding the hills w/puppy. instead...
inertia has set in. torpor. doldrums. sloth. laziness. faineance. lifelessness. i feel like such a bum!!!
got dressed, tho. got hiking boots on. made food for james. watched w/him an old foreman fight. made flyer. wrote scores of of thank you cards that are months late. going to assemble new vacuum. going to... going to... ah, think i'll take a nap. here are flyers.

boswell made this one.

i made this one.

whatta week!!!! omg!!!!!!!!!

dear "uncle" danny, who loved aunty rita; dear, wonderful
dad; dear brother doug; & darling, precious
handsome james  in 2014 at the old family
house, which doug & angie now live in.

- first we had dear aunty rita's funeral at the national cemetery. she will be buried right next to uncle henry, with "uncle" danny across the way so we can go visit them all in one trip. i held cousin tushi's phone & keys & made sure she didn't collapse; then i turned away for a minute & she tripped & almost fell off the curb! fortunately one of her male friends was there to catch her bc tushi didn't fall far from the aunty rita tree: there's ALWAYS a man around wanting to help her out. :) after that, about 75 people gathered at mom & dad's & we all ate like hogs & told roaring scandalous aunty rita stories & i asked trusted family if i should buy a used car i had my eye on. the kid who owned it sounded like my older stepson, which reassured me: his was a friendly, exuberant young voice. i read the description of the car aloud & uncle ralphy chuckled, "sounds like a new vehicle!" everything on it had been replaced.
-so after everyone had left, i went to bakersfield credit union, got cash. then back home, james took me out to a beautiful ranch in lockwood valley & i returned home w/"new" car. i'd seen it once before, but this time, the friendly old kiwi guy selling it for his son seemed nervous: he wasn't sure about the smog & now the car was starting roughly. the car also had no compass, no inside-outside temp, smaller windows, all disappointing to me. how had i not noticed all this when i'd seen the car earlier in the week? had i made a mistake?
- there was too much to do: after buying car, i was gonna go to LAX, stay w/cousin tushi before she left back to TX, get up & do griffith park run, then go sub for blake at gig in pomona. started driving to LAX. at the 5/14 split, the car temp spiked: the car blew up, fluid spraying the windshield!! i pulled it over to the roadside, called insurance, called kid, called cousin, called james, waited, more calls, tow truck: long story short, after 4 hrs i was home again, shaken, but w/cash back in hand. whatta night!!!

- the kid said he'd pay for the tow. state farm's towing company charged me. confusion or fraud? i disputed it. the credit union cancelled my credit card for my financial safety. crap!! i, ms frugal, keep only one credit card so that i don't spend excessively. now i have NO credit card. credit union is in bakersfield. have to go to bakersfield to get another one. aaaaahh!! good thing i hid away all the dead-new-car cash or our week would've been even worse!

- went to work. heat out in my room. power out. computer running off battery, cumbersome, can't enter grades or really plan, can't think, room freezing, kids off-task, crazy.... because they're so cold!!! poor babies!!

- the district doesn't fix the power & heat til after school friday. miserable at school all week!! my car not running right. could be something small, could be the death of my dear little forester. have to hitch rides w/james, w/corey every day. aaaaah!!! what next?!?

- we try to cancel valentine's day counseling appt. counselor says it's too late, we'd have to pay no-show fee. sh*t!! i'd rather die than pay a no-show fee!

- we go. i go to get $100 to pay. it's not there. I LOST 100 BUCKS!! then the session goes from bad to worse to horrible. not good, not good at all!! the evening is ruined. valentine's day is ruined!! james takes off. sh*t!!! i can do nothing, so i go to bed.
-phone rings at close to 1 a.m. james got in a car accident! omg!!

- fortunately it occurred not far from here. he had decided to go stay with bro-in-law doug bc he was sad that we had had an argument. this was really good thinking from james! however, soon after he entered the freeway at frazier mountain pk rd, a car came from behind at high-speed & smashed into him!! the truck flipped on its side, then roof; james saved his own life instinctively, swiftly squeezing his body under the dash & away from the windshield. he said it all happened in slow-mo: he could see his harmonicas, his tape recorder, all his stuff floating around the cab like the wizard of oz. boom! he hit, then slid, his shoulder and ear on fire, burning, grinding against the pavement. i lost my ear!, he told me he thought. the truck flipped onto its roof, then another car broadsided it, up-righting it. james was ejected!! 

- i got there & ran to the ambulance. he wanted me to take him to the hospital rather than go by ambulance. where's the truck? i asked. figures in uniforms pointed: i'd walked right past it. the whole bed cover had sheared off; the truck was puny, lifeless; the green hornet was dead.... but james was alive!! that was what was important!!

- bystanders & law enforcement had retrieved james's music equipment, which had exploded all over the road. the bed cover lay on its back like an upended turtle, wobbling, filled w/broken gear. i backed up my car & loaded the amps, the monitor, whatever was there. james hobbled painfully to the car.

- then he didn't want to go to the hospital! i sat up all night watching him. he had a bump on his head; that's what i most was worried about. however, he's had so many injuries to the head, from boxing & fighting & various mishaps, that i believed him when he said he thought it would be ok. still, i couldn't sleep. the biggest problem for him was his shoulder: he had full mobility, so i knew it wasn't broken, but still!! it obviously hurt like hell!!

- i snapped awake at 7:30. omg: i dozed off!! school!! i called lucy & she said don't worry about school. just take care of james. i cooked food & tried to keep him comfortable as possible. he was in a lot of pain from the trauma of the accident, but still didn't want to go to the hospital or urgent care.
- four days later, i write this as he is gone to a gig. what a mutant!!
- i joked with some family members that aunty rita's mutant spirit must've gone into james, strengthening his own already-considerable mutant spirit. "james," cautioned dad, "you're going to have to start being more careful. i don't think you have too many lives left!" three times clinically dead; near-death beating, months in hospital; exploded stomach in 2015 we all were told he probably wouldn't survive; now this? "yeah, buddy, you probably only have 1 or 2 left! better slow down!" said doug...
-the family showed up yesterday in a gigantic black escalade. (how does doug do it? he always has some posh twist to add to the adventure.) we all ate at the ranch house &, since the towing company was closed, we couldn't visit the green hornet, so we stopped at the crash site & went foraging for any of james's items that might've been left behind. the center divider of i-5 bore a giant splotch; i realized that was from one of the other vehicles in the crash, so i backtracked along the highway & there they were!: one PA stand & james's beloved mike stand, hand-crafted by his buddy stanley! we also found some of his mind-reading cards, his magic wand, an unopened can of pinto beans (he always carries canned food, like a survivalist or more accurately, the soldier he was for many years), a plastic jack-o-lantern, one of his dress shoes... and of course, of all the items to be found, the one james found was an unopened bottle of vodka. i'd seen it the night of the crash & thought, good lord! thank you that the bottle is unopened! james had been sober! (who knows about the other driver?) but i'd left the bottle there... so of COURSE james then found it!
- "you can't ever drink that one, buddy," said doug. "you gotta keep that one for posterity!" the family mused that james should make a shadow box art piece from the items that survived the crash; dad said james should put military epaulets on the shoulder of the zoot suit jacket, which had been melted away during the accident. doug took pix of james smiling at the crash site, holding up the items that had made it through... most importantly, james!
- the additional good news for me is that after retrieving my flattened keyboard stand & broken amp, i plugged in my keyboard & IT STILL WORKS!!!! it had been in the back seat of the truck, which probably protected it... as for the rest of the equipment, i'm hopeful that insurance will help us get some of it back... and maybe a vehicle to replace the green hornet. it seems reasonable to hope that since the other driver was at fault, something positive could happen there to help my husband... we will see.

- my god!! what a week!! so many kind people, from the ones who gave me back my $ after the "new" car blew up, to corey who kept giving me rides, to christy, to my dear little students, who gave me a beautiful card of concern ("we are really sorry 4 everything that has been happening to you") to mom, dad, angie, & doug, our loving support always; to, again, doug, who just ferried james to his gig last-second when his other ride didn't show up on time. and all the kids who hugged me when i came back to school friday! they tell me they love me & i tell them i love them! (that's a new one at school!) and the parents & staff who showed concern! and the griffith park run people, who moved my registration to a run in june so that i wouldn't be out 40 bucks & the experience of a neat running event! and all the people who said they'd help james get to his gig! we are so very bless-ed.
- the 100 bucks is still missing, but through this all, must say that life is good!

san diego

-i made this collage using an online free program, & i've already forgotten the name... drat!
-we had a swell time in the gaslamp district of san diego. i was sent there for a teacher conference to learn more about how to use data to help the kids. my friend corey was the brains of the place; she truly is brilliant! i knew she'd become bilingual while living w/a mexican family in her youth; then i learned she got a full-ride to ucsb... at age 15! while i strained to understand a session about RTI/MTSS (acronyms for academic & behavioral intervention), she sat there cross-legged like a little kid, listening  while at the same time completing on her laptop a 32-page school plan that had been dropped on her last-second when our principal retired last week, then raising her hand to ask questions. she was following everything! i felt like i should be wearing a dunce cap, but also admiring. it used to bother me that i was salieri to mozart, but now i really enjoy & treasure meeting & recognize greatness in certain rare people, then doing whatever i can to help them shine brighter!!
-most brainiacs i have known (or those who have thought they were) were so taken with themselves or so crazy, it wasn't worth learning their ideas; they just have generally not been people who in end i want to be around. (exception: my ex-husband, a good man with head filled w/numbers -- however, he has disconnected from the family, & so be it. must respect his wishes!) corey's different: she's so damned smart, but also as ribaldly funny as was aunty rita  -- but kind and honest and practical. yes, what a terrific combination of gifts this young woman has. she could change the world for the good, if she wanted to venture beyond our school! -- tho i know, as teachers, each of us right now where we stand are impacting & changing lives.
- teaching is noble. we carry a precious duty. i'm honored to be a part, & to be inspired by great people like corey.
-james & i had a lot of fun in the little time we had when i was done w/the intensive seminars. i came back one day & he was overjoyed, having had a great time tripping around town to a magic store, a museum, a haberdashery, meeting & talking with people as he so loves to do, experiencing this & that... that morn at the conference, we teachers had had great chewy bagels & tasty yogurt granola parfaits, then james met us for burgers at an outside stand on the marina adjacent to the convention center; we ate w/our math teacher friend & corey & her beautiful little family. that eve, james & i had a lovely spontaneous dinner at sultan's baklava, exotic soup to nuts for us, serving turkish cuisine spiced with dill, mint, & other clean & fragrant flavors, with striking atmosphere & people-watching opportunities. the next day in escondido, we found a delicious german-italian (yes!) deli. we shopped in the little downtown, getting old postcards & new steel-toed docs at a big discount. (incredible how many really cool size 12 shoes we've found for him at bargain prices!) the pix above are taken on the roof of the hotel after we'd hit the ramada st james's exercise room; we both initially liked the view, then got spooked & had to beat it down to lower levels. (he & i both don't like heights nor the ocean, tho we both love shows about deep sea life...) the motel, the oldest in SD, had been a place where wyatt earp dealt cards as well as featured an elevator that in 1912 was the fastest in the west; now it was a rather terrifying rickety thing, so i walked lots & lots of stairs over the course of our stay. the st james had nice touches, like chilled mint & lime water in the lobby & gourmet coffees & a comfy, comfy bed... en route home, on the endless drive, we stopped off to see our mutual friends & i got to visit w/bright & indomitable donna, my dear friend of near-many decades who can talk about anything on earth & make it interesting. my friend, always very generous, is now after years & years of financial struggle earning six figures & so now is even MORE generous;  i left her beautiful house w/gifts of dried fruit, oil of olay, & a feather pillow-top for our bed!
sh*t, we're getting old! but life is sure good.
(ps, i am holding a secret for donna, & when i told james about it, he laughed & yelled with delight. and we are hoping. but i can't say a word about our hopes right now.
but i sure will post here if it ever every happens.) :)

dear aunty rita, rest in peace

henry & rita orozco: combined IQ level,
250+; personality, off the charts

-mama had us meet her at san joaquin hospital in bakersfield once my doctor's appointment with the mysterious & kindly dr agha (a figure from a peter lorre film) was done. we could see on mama's face it was serious this time, & reality suddenly shuddered into a gray, weighted thing. aunty rita was not going to be leaving the hospital. it was the end.
-we went up to icu & she was a tiny figure in the bed, family all around bearing hushed faces of shock: this woman who had dominated all was going to be leaving us all very soon. aunty rita's face for the first time contained grandma's softness; even her mouth as i wiped it gently bore grandma's cupid's bow. the only thing legible she said was to yell aunty dodie's name; doubtless if she'd been more conscious she would have been calling for her sister in order to kick her a*s (their lifelong relationship has been love-hate). i think she smiled at me a bit; i know she did when she saw dad and james joking it up at the foot of her bed because aunty rita loved nothing much more than men. we all sat with her for a long time. i kissed her soft round cheek & told her i loved her & then it was time to leave.
-the next day james showed up at school unexpectedly. he sat with my class & me, sang a few songs, left the room for a bit (to cry, he later admitted), & when the kids were gone to their buses, he told me that aunty rita was gone, & that was it for me for a while til i came out of the fog hours later because it was time to call tushi, my dear cousin, aunty rita's daughter.
-aunty rita was petite, but she was larger-than-life: a foul-mouthed, fierce & fiercely funny figure. in her youth, she was dangerously glamorous, a femme fatale who lived on whisky, cigarettes, hamburgers, & diet pills. (she later stopped drinking & smoking cold turkey & never looked back, characteristic of her resolute nature.) her favorite color was "streetwalker red," she'd tell you; she could charm & disarm any male, 1st with her exotic hourglass looks & personality, later with personality, & with those flashing black eyes & white smile. she was quick with numbers, handling money for the grape growers in delano, ca. she hustled & did what she could to take care of our cousins, tushi & ray, her kids. sometimes that meant living back at home with grandma & grandpa, in the house on randolph across from the vineyards.
-later in life, she met uncle henry, who, 110 pounds soaking wet, had carried the torch for her since their  delano high school days (big, rawboned "uncle" danny later would remember her from those days, too, & he would be her last love). uncle henry had become a nuclear engineer with big bucks; he sent for her & she bolted. they traveled the world with his many jobs, amassing hundreds of friends & adventures.
-in those years, every word from aunty rita's mouth seemed to be some hilarious story or other, about meeting mean joe green or oj simpson or seeing willie or just about the family. she & uncle henry together would draw crowds w/their vicious, laugh-out-loud routines. she was merciless in her humorous attack: anyone could be chopped to bits by her tongue, but most would be left howling w/laughter as she hacked away. her temper was fierce, her love just as much so. she ran dear tushi in texas & mom & dad ragged taking care of her these last many years, demanding mama bring her soup or a hamburger or go do this or that errand for her, or that tushi get on the plane RIGHT NOW to get home to her mama. she controlled us all by phone from her couch or (in the last year) hospital bed. she had been sick 17 years, having to stop her travels with uncle henry when kidney failure brought her to bakersfield, where she stuck. she was so often sick, then always sick, but she persevered, she just kept going: we all thought she was gone many times, but she'd come back, defying odds. the family joked that she & james weren't human but mutant: they'd lived lives that would've killed mere mortals...
-many years ago, when i stepped in sh*t pretty deep due to my then-dangerous need for male attention, aunty rita helped me out of it. and she never told a soul how she had saved my reputation & first marriage -- now then, not ever. that was the true aunty rita, bearing a trait all ollivares-forqueras seem to have: that deep, undying loyalty. mama has it for all, abundantly, freely; aunty rita would tear you to bits if she were in the mood, but when the chips were down, she was there for you no matter what.
 -there will never be another aunty rita. we all will miss her huge presence so much. we are heartbroken she is gone, but grateful she no longer has to suffer. i hope i have conveyed even a bit of her here. i will, again, miss her so very, very much.

the great contrast that is life...

1. a picture of mom & dad at last saturday's civil rights march (for women, for humankind) -- mary frances posted it on facebook w/sweet caption, "my aunty monie and uncle gil." just look at this kindly, noble, hard-working, principled, accepting, sensible, lovely couple who still in their mid-and late-70s want to change the world....

2. james just read me this, a 4 a.m. verse he riffed to his army buddy james e.:

I wrote this tonight.

'm gonna eat a huge bowl of cabbage before I play.

My farts are deadly. My aim is true.

Pray to God they don't hit you. ....some are loud, some are soft, unseen across the room they loft.

The band can't get out of the way. All they can do is hope and pray.
They try to breathe, they cannot cough They pray and pray that mine will stop.

I fire them left, I fire them right, I fire them steady all through the night.

I'm on a roll, yet in control, the farting game, I've mastered, from here, to Taft, to Germany, they call me, STINKY BASTARD! I fart so hard, I fly through the air, and gas evil men unconcious (sic) With a spark they become a deadly flame, with a bottle, deadly bomb. My farts are a gift from a parent, not my father, they came from my mom!

I can, with my farts, toot out sweet melodies, a two - step, even a sonata, a jump, a boogie, an 8 - bar roomba, hell, I can fart UNDER WATER!

The sharks, the fear me, the whales understand, for they speak to each other with sound. When the water starts warming, they all stop with a warning, SWIM AWAY, BEFORE WE ALL DROWN!

For those who don't know, I'm not from your Earth, as any astro, or cosmo- naut could attest to...

blablablablablablabla

this was a pic from the last time i played w/james & band,... i think... it's hard to recall w/doggy barking away & i'm so tired. i love the $3 dress i'm wearing in the pic, which penny snagged the next day when i was jogging w/her on the way to santa cruz... we played music this eve, but i was very sluggish due to school/physical fatigue & i realized my right hand hurts from doing school yoga minus any mats on hard classroom floor, but we had fun playing... doggy has stopped barking & tail is beating a tattoo on the floor and now james is back from the store, so time to sign off! he's in the house now, announcing, "hey, honey, that was a lot of fun," & even tho my piano & singing blew chunks this eve, yes, it was fun. singing "love my baby," i had a manuel moment, clearly hearing my own voice aping my dear departed friend's w/o realizing it; i've been doing it all along. and james? when he wings it, he just soars.

this has been a good two days of fun w/kids at school, lots of running, meals at home, meetings, today seeing our rumpled blue-eyed gentleman of a counselor, then music... oh hell, i need to sign off, so bye for now.

hoka hooka hicka HIKE

yesterday i got to go w/my friend christy (my fellow teacher, the high school cross country coach, for her birthday!) on the fog run in bakersfield. we left the hill at ungodly dark-thirty to register, go potty, stretch. she even had me jog an extra mile to warm up. once we started, in a gigantic group of runners, we had a good clip going, were passing ppl, feeling pretty good. grabbed a cup of water @ the halfway point, dropped cup in trash box, hit a rock w/my extra-large super-fantastic hokas, did a swan dive onto the dirt: BAM! i hit chest-first, therefore saving my knees & wrists, but knocking the air out of myself. the last stretch was much harder w/less wind. i came in 7 seconds behind christy: a 10:20 mile. slow compared to the old days, tho i've never been fast!! ...now i have a bit of a resolution: to get back to a sub-10 minute mile.
i want to think the fall slowed me down, but just to be sure, i will work on developing speed... realistically. i'm old, but not yet old enough to be that slow!
today the dog-girl (outside yelling her head off right now) & i did 4.88 tough miles. turns out my knee IS a little injured. down the dirt path, out on the highway, down to the park, around, around, around (saw lisa & arestina, which was nice, as well as students at the skatepark, as usual), then back UP for the steep climb home.  i decided to explore coming back, so cut off the main road down into the riverbed. i mean DOWN: you really descend, & the hills climb steeply, ever more steeply in all directions. we got snarled in thick trees for quite some time, snapping dead branches off on the leash, meandering, branches & stickers tearing my shirt, my pants, my hair, my yushenka... i saw no way back up for quite some time, feeling quite isolated, staving the deliverance thoughts, bearing in mind what i read today about john muir and "sauntering" (see https://vault.sierraclub.org/john_muir_exhibit/life/palmer_sauntering.aspx. )... finally i spied an extremely steep way out & climbed, slid, & scrambled my way out (penny had a bit of a struggle as well) into... more thick scrub brush, no road, more bushwhacking. finally we came to a barbed wire fence, but no real way to approach except through more thicket. crap.
after much struggle, i located a semi-break in the fence that necessitated me lifting penny & gingerly threading her through, then doing the same with myself, careful not to touch hair or flesh to barbed wire. i felt some tearing in my pants & shirt, but they're both home garments, so no problem...
she is barking her head off again, so i'm gonna go. dang beast!!
tomorrow school resumes. i'm not ready, but i will be.
happy birthday tomorrow, elvis!!!!

ON auld lang syne

our favorite people on fun eve in smellay

this is a week late, but it's interesting! especially this part (given the photo i post here): "The song begins by posing a rhetorical question: Is it right that old times be forgotten? The answer is generally interpreted as a call to remember long-standing friendships." here's the link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auld_Lang_Syne... now please watch & listen to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42_ilQc_sxc ... it reminds me of studying chaucer moons & moons ago. or, i should say, NOT studying chaucer. i was a very poor undergrad student.
our dog-girl is whistling & whining outside, entreating to be gained house-entrance... in, dog-girl!
she & i had a few nice runs on james's & my vacation. she & i ran in monterey, we ran in santa cruz (well, i mostly went alone in santa cruz). i put in about 10 miles in two days, so that was the best thing i could say about THAT trip! we agreed afterward we should have visited the gias, where mama had made a beautiful, delicious, lovely new year's day meal & we had a loving, kindly visit... & then we should have turned around & gone back home!
yes, we had a crap of a time, but all is well again now. like i wrote years back in a heartbroken rag (when we were separated), "after the storm, the sun is gonna rise." rise it has, & we is fine. now i'm just waiting for him to split so i can do major cleaning in his Quarter of the Hoarder. this house is gonna be soooo clean by the time he gets back! haHA!!!
then i have to prep to get back to work. and teach choir. oh heck, i conveniently had forgotten!! i'm supposed to teach music for 8 weeks! ... this all is good. creative immersion is a real good when your coconut is prone to upsettings... ok, off for now. :D happy happy day!! happy happy year!! that's it.

i had a jowl

removed it using www/pixlr.com/editor, which is a free photoshop kind of site. sue me! this is my blog! why should i be bejowled on my own blog??
this is the last night of 2017. this year hasn't been  bad at all. i have a great family & a great job. i am sober & have a challenging but rewarding marriage w/the most talented & unusual human i've ever met. he is my best friend! i get to sponsor people & have many kindly acquaintances, even friendships. this year i got back into running. yay! we got our dog girl, penny. we love her! i started seeing a patient, compassionate counselor, & now we both see him, with already much positive outcome!
our lives are really, really good, all things considered.
the other day i went & played w/james's band in north long beach. the gig went really well! we were powerful, powerful, & i was  really satisfied & grateful to be a part, using my "new" keyboard, which i haven't in over a yr on assumption it wouldn't power up. it powered up! w/that & my new amp, which i've not really used cause i haven't been playing many shows, my gear worked w/o failure for four sets. i could hear! and i got to be a part of & contribute to the blues express. the crowd was big throughout the afternoon, & really into it! james ruled, as usual. little anthony, blake, & steve were great fun to play with (preposition dangling there; oh well).
angie & doug showed up. wonderful, wonderful!! afterward, we all drove to grand central market in downtown LA & ate & visited & laughed a whole lot. james & doug had mexican food & orange bang; angie & i had delicious, delicious thai chicken, sticky rice, & papaya salad. after, we waited for OVER 20 MINUTES in the mcconnell's ice cream line, but it was worth it: cardamom & ginger snap ice cream w/sweet cream & cookie ice cream: WOW!
feeling tremendous love for my talented, industrious, smart, hard-working, kind, funny, brave little sister, i took this pic, feeling like mama as i held her little arm. i love my sister so so much!! james & doug were both on sleep deprivation status & yelled & bellowed & carried on through the bustling food place, two mugs out of a '40s noir crime comedy. we parted & i so wished we all could continue to hang out. we're so lucky to have such entertaining, delightful, hilarious, loving kin.
we drove home & i passed out on a bed of blankets we'd made on the floor while james watched boxing videos & played w/his new drone, one of my christmas gifts to him..
feliz anyo nuevo!!

my pie and i

here is a pic of me and the lucky penny on christmas day. she is a funny-looking, cute little girl, not the darling heart-breaking loving beauty that gusgus was. i say "was" because i believe my dear gusgus may have passed away. that is what family suggested when i asked if they'd seen pix of him lately from my ex-husband, brian. :( i cried & cried, but there's nothing i can do. going to change topic now because just thinking of it makes me so very sad. :( we still have our funny little penny petunia page as well as peewee the beautiful malcontent feline.

i was surfing facebook & was shocked to discover the handsome co-creator of big book awakening passed away last year from cancer. he was a sturdy-looking man who resembled a stocky clark gable; he saved many, many lives with his approach. christmas has made me think a lot of manuel, dear big manny, who also passed on last year, his joyous rockin music, his boyish smile, his sweet, light, kissed-by-god spirit... this life & all of us are so very fragile. must remember this when next i have a resentment...

christmas nice except that i decided to go running on a stomach filled w/coffee & ended up not just barfing, but snapping back into action my old stomach hernia. it didn't hit til i'd hobbled back to mom & dad's; i laid on the floor in agony & mama rushed in w/big alarmed eyes. "i'm ok, i'm ok!" i moaned, trying to make it so... did i tell you two weeks ago i found out i have hypertension, too? my dear friend donna & i caught up on the phone today & laughed about my continuing bad health. if i hadn't gotten sober & didn't live in rather healthy fashion these past two-plus decades, i'm CERTAIN i would have perished long ago. many people have complimented me heartily on my rather ferocious performing style... but at heart, i'm a delicate flower!!

well, mister james & i are gonna watch roku for a bit. then i hope to return to a book sister angie recommended. i thought the writing kinda pedestrian at first, but it's just what i've needed: an engaging, entertaining, spooky romp w/plot twists -- a real break from the non-fic i'm always reading. the book is much like reading a movie! (ok, now... it's called... night film... and it's for sale at the dollar tree right now!!)

thursday james & i play shenanigans & mike malone's gonna lend me his keyboard because mine STILL ISN'T FIXED and my small one i lent to young cousin josh (the songbird! on christmas he sang "white christmas" in two octaves, scatting at the end, and i just whooped with joy! it truly was the best, coolest singing performance i've heard in a long while!!! from sadsack young josh, a young man changing in a positive way due to our loving family. now i know why mama's so taken with him: what talent!)... so thank you, malone, for lending me your keys!

saturday james plays in north long beach; you can find it on www.whiteboyjames.com .. and then we get to go on a little vacation... and in spring, a BIG vacation!!

i'd better get to the tv w/my honey... happy new year!!

my new shirt!!!!!

(the saturday night ensemble pictured here matched til i removed my fluffy brown coat...) ordered this fabulous t-shirt online based on image james's acolyte & friend tommy eliff (big son of mighty mojo prophets) sent me. it was supposed to be sherbet-colored, but arrived more orangey. i haven't worn an orange shirt to a gig since lux interior died & i made a memorial t-shirt & wore it to rock & roll pizza for a dusk devils gig. at that time i still was child-sized; no longer be i that, but certainly am thankful for the pic. (thanks, anthony!) at the time tommy made me the image, i had been bummed out & had posted on social media, "everything would be ok if i just had a piano red shirt." many searches at that time had revealed no existing shirts.
now i have one!! thank you, big son!!
i really looked fwd to playing last night w/james! it was a good night. he was beyond-exhausted, as happens to him, but put on a gangbuster dirty-blues show. the audience was happy!! all my running's paying off  bc i got through the eve like it was nothing, w/little fatigue. bonus!!
woke up that a.m. & started playing piano here at home. we went "to town," always a treat on a saturday morn: the post office, our two wonderful thrift stores, dollar general. so much fun. made enchiladas, rice & beans. took penny for a nice hilly run. checked my gear; everything seemed to work. got cleaned up, put on my new t-shirt. james said i looked like a superhero, some of his highest praise. :) got to redwood room & my low C 5th song started blatting out at 10x the volume of the other keys. drummer ron felton (who took the band photo), there for the show, gave me an empty gum packet & i duck-taped the key so it wouldn't play. but when i started into prof longhair's "gone so long," i was shocked to realize another problem:  suddenly, not three, but at least 6 keys were dead! as i played, more & more keys seemed to fail. the length of the keyboard was serially dying off: oh no!!
fortunately scott lambert was there on bass that night & he is giving me the number for a music repair shop in long beach. over break i FINALLY will get my keyboards fixed!!! so grateful!!!!!
time for more coffee, then to work on school. in a few hrs, teacher comrade christy & i will adventure jog up the steep, beautiful fire road by the elementary school. yaaaaay!!
life is sure good right now. :)
happy birthday, niece madeline!!!!!!!!!!!

staycation

used to be i'd have to be someplace else to have a good time5trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (that was kitten on the keys... peewee, that is; hardly a kitten, but had to reference the song!) like paris or austin or LA or wherever, but not HOME, for pete's sake!! we were talking about this as we drove thru the mountains on one of our "big" trips during this staycation (we went to santa clarita 2x, bakersfield once, each about 40 mins from home). we just have had such a nice time this time not going no place. i ran... a LOT! and dad insisted on early-gifting me some HOKAS!! i've wanted hokas for years!! they were supposed to be my christmas gift. so i've been running every day since i got them. the pie run was fantastic fun: looked like at least 1500 people there, sad the fellow that started the run was hit by a car while bicycle riding; i believe many were there to commemorate him. mr toad's wild run at the end of the pie run is SO SO FUN!!! i dream about it even now. i wish i were bounding & careening down it all the time. then back at the gias, we ate like hogs. we'd gone to the movies the night before, what a treat (no movies up on the mountain), the latest blockbuster, we hadn't been in forever, so we munched popcorn & craned our necks to watch from the front row. the movies! hogging out! running! just being home, doing yardwork, walking the dog, doing lovely yoga outside in the park cause the library was closed, yoga looking up at the dark & lovely oaks, birdsong, clean air, wow, taking short day trips to shop & eat some more: staycations are the way to go now, i think, or at least a way to go i'd never thought would appeal to me. just resting in our bed with the windows looking out on beautiful mountain view, james gently snoring or playing words w/friends, penny the dog warm between us: that is my favorite place in the world to be, i think. what a gigantic change! this is something about getting old i definitely love.
this is sloppily written bc we are making dinner & the room is cozy w/sizzling food smells. tonight i prep to return to school tomorrow, & tonight we'll do something wild like watch "chopped," or something. i couldn't be more grateful. this life w/james, this life on the mountain, w/clean air, w/runs getting longer always, w/sobriety & love: wow. i'm so glad to have been changed so i can appreciate & love this life.
may you also love your life, life ever-changing
bye for now

died & went to heaven!!!!

...james tells me not to go out after dark running. sometimes i use his warning as excuse to be lazy, like when it's an especially cold or dark eve, but sometimes it's a bummer bc i need some exercise!! he asks me not to do semi-dangerous stuff i used to enjoy --  even when that frisson of warning would chill my neck -- specifically pulling off lonely roads to explore abandoned buildings when by myself... aaaarrrghh...i know his concern is for my safety... ... this time of yr, it's rough to get in runs some eves cause of having become so absorbed in my job (my calling? work's definitely increasingly absorbing!). i stay too late, too often, & w/the time change, it gets dark so early...
partial solution here!!! check this out!!! you may love this, too!!!
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCq5O2ZfzRQChMdahnpKpGVg/videos
also... in case you don't know about it, THIS IS AN AWESOME WEBSITE!! you can log your every single workout!!!
https://www.mapmyrun.com
thursday is the pie run... won't be a fog run this yr, no way. dad says it's predicted to be 85 degrees in bakingfield on thanksgiving day!! that is quite scary, in a way, harbinger of global doom, maybe, but i selfishly know due to the warm morn i'll easily be able to hop out of bed & therefore run.  james will help brother doug & sister angie distribute food to those in need, so it'll be a great start to thanksgiving for us all!!
i feel so little conflict right now about turkey day. i still care about the holiday's conflicted history, yes, quite a bit, but outweighing my liberal guilt this time are happy thoughts of james, pets, cooking (we're making the baked yams/sweet potaters as well as a cherpumple!!), running, rest, fun, & family.
happy holidays!!!

happy howwwwwwwwwwwwlo... you know....

we went to see the mike tyson's undisputed truth round 2 stage show in las vegas the other night... it was really cool to sit in a little club in the ridiculously opulent mgm grand, to sit that close to the champ & hear his funny lithping tale, this version much more anecdotal than the first, containing so many fun, lively stories told by our favorite boxer (except for ali, of course), a real likeable mug. i have strong memory now of his bashful, earnest voice & big brown drugstore indian head, grinning, shuffling (probably hard for a life-long pugilist to stand still when on a stage), story-telling, flashing between shy & tough as nails... on the way home, we stopped at calico ghost town in the mojave & sat there on the hilltop greasy spoon's large covered terrace looking out over wide cool spectacular desert view... then it was home sweet home.
today was a wild one at school as always is halloween at school. i was frankenpage with black clothes, green shirt, & green face; we somehow managed to have a socratic circle on topic of animal abuse before party time, which i tricked them all by planning in its entirety: caption contest; spooky story contest; dance contest; limbo contest; costume contest. at recess, the teachers & i got pelted w/pies for a school fundraiser, so it was a smelly sticky day after that. my halloween makeup had been smudged by whipped cream, so our sweet secretary gave me her witchy liquid makeup, much greener than my original, after which a few kids from other classes asked if i was the hulk, which was inspired & cool on their part, i thought.
james is heating food, then we're back to watching stranger things sequel on netflix, a real fun show, but don't think there'll be many more seasons since the kid actors are already by season two in the awkward stage!
happy halloween

Finalmente

I got a Chromebook so I could do schoolwork at home (James's iMac is too distracting) & I've been loving bringing work home, continuing to build my educating knowledge & etc... But I can't log on to blogger on the cb, so it's been a spell since I blaaahged. We had a lovely early 5th anniversary attending music fest in riverside, a town that made me think of abq NM, tho I don't know why... Boy, we had a swell time, what a happy surprise, with great music (esp watching honey piazza on piano & the fabulous, funny, smooth, weird,  deep & cool rick estrin), great food at tio's tacos (surrounded by its wacky funhouse of junk art) & Marisa's Italian deli & nice Thunderbird lodge... Lots of beautiful deserty scapes on our drives w our sweet little Penny dog accompanying us... I'm pecking w 1 digit here on fire tablet, so gonna sign off. At this sec, all is well.

Junior Parker - Cryin' for my Baby

james has had this in his  repertoire for some time. phil alvin also has it in his repertoire. james's version is powerful & tortured, phil alvin's tortured-theatrical, which means highly cool & entertaining, but less heartfelt. james really feels it. it's painful almost to watch him sing some songs of heartbreak.

i can't sing songs like that. i explode in sobs. so i don't.

i was surprised to hear this light & swingy version.

in other news, i'm still not pushing up daisies.

good night.

imprinted

sebastian cabot as mister french. i loved mr french. our family
doctor was similarly large, rotund, with gigantic blue eyes
& friendly, comforting manner. despite that, he also scared me!

i was 20 yrs old on a train in europe when this good-looking white guy, older & square-looking,  started making eyes at me, so i walked with him to the back car (i had no boundaries) (i remember being at the very end of the train, outside the back door with the track rattling beneath & the cool air blowing, with this stranger!). turns out it wasn't hanky-panky he wanted, but for me to become a scientologist...

mister green jeans & captain kangaroo: round, silly comfort.
you could know you were safe with these people.

it made me think about the idea of engrams -- not jungian, but scientologian -- which unlike jung's are  negative & only removable via auditing or whatever those wingnuts call it. i might not have this right; i was talking with angie sister yesterday about her MA program in which she's currently reading jung.
i just was mooning & dreaming over pix of capybaras & wondering why animals like them or wombats or bears (the fatter the better) are so appealing to me & always have been, like, inherently.
why do we like what we like?
sick two weeks now; overdid it yesterday in the yard. building a dog run. so i'm stalling, on the blog...  these are images that i saw between infancy & age six that stuck inside me, that may have been uncanny due to their power upon me, or that maybe imprinted upon me... (for james, it was raquel welch in fantastic voyage as well as some other, more eccentric celebrity crushes...)

when depressed, i go dumb watching videos of innocent, round,
adorable caveys, which we  had as pets when i was a kid. capy-
baras, wombats, round-nosed, soft-gazed: who can't love them?

the gia family saw oliver! when angie & i were tiny,
say 3-5 years old. i wanted to be jack wild, who played
the wily, confident artful dodger, but oliver
reed as bill sykes has remained in my psyche
always: his handsome bulk & sinister glower
were so scary, but also troublingly exciting...

after this i gotta go to ace & get fencing. tomorrow's a class i anticipate, in bakersland: socratic circles. i'm just all over the place in this post.

we walked into bakersfield's tejon theatre & there was
john amos without a shirt1  i was six, but the broad 
muscularity of his chest stretched across the big screen has
been cemented in my mind ever since!

... so to blablabla a bit more, have you heard of a book called the old ways? it's a lunatic-fringe publication i read about in mother earth news, but w/some most-excellent & useful info, like how to make pain meds from backyard weeds... and last night i saw an odd, stunning movie called buster's mal heart featuring a pint-sized heartthrob version of michael shannon, a charming-creepy egyptian cutey named rami malek... i really liked the film, tho it disturbed me... so that's enough stalling... happy sunday.