ghosts and second-guessers

decades ago my friends ruben and manuel made a blazers (r.i.p awesome east-LA band) christmas cassette tape. it was a load-of-fun-listen. since i've always loved singing close harmonies so darn much, i took the tape and another blank tape (you used to be able to do this), plugged in my cheap mike, pushed play on the blazers xmas tape & record on the blank, and made a new recording that added my vocal harmonies to their recording. undoubtedly there's still so much obsessively rewarding experimentation that goes w audio recording, all digital now, much ai-assisted. but in those days it was so basic, so immediately, tangibly rewarding: stand farther back from the mike & sing so the harmonies don't overpower the main vocals. bounce your voice off the wall for reverb. sing into the wall heater to get fuzz. record the instruments in an old bathroom to get a cool echo. yes, it always was engrossing fun to experiment, for me, in that dark wood-paneled parlor room in that large craftsman home in which i once lived in that long-ago life that i don't much recall... manuel always had such a beautiful voice; the christmas tape, all rollicking rock-n-roll good-cheer, seemed to be begging for a backup, plus, you know: the fun aspect.... my then-bro-in-law, at that time in his life a major ass, listened and sneered something like, "yeah, i bet you wish you could play with them"... i was only a bit crushed bc i knew it sounded good, & in the next decades, i got to play with manuel many times as a member of the big manny band, one of the biggest thrills of my life, & with ruben, too, most often at the yearly chango jams in memory of manuel/big manny... anyways, at that time with bro-in-law i did have a fraud-twinge, like mebbe i was an impostore of sorts. & i feel slightly like that now, adjusting this flyer, but the difference now is that i feel so much more solid about my one-man band. i'm doing it now, fully doing it, more than i ever did, & it feels so powerful, singing, playing keys, kicking the drum. truly, i feel like a badass when i do it. like i'm sposed to do it. and i am good at it. so here is the flyer, & der you go.

erstaunlich

today i missed seeing bernie sanders & "aoc" in backwardsville bc of feeling unwell. mama, angie, cousin thomas, mary fafa, & sister dawn all went & had a 'magical experience" with the packed house, so sh*t. i'm happy for them but wish i'd been there, too... i've been eating vegan since august with i'm sure some slips since animal stuff is in most every american processed food item. don't care at all about the condescending attitudes some pipo have had. i read that bc food is not just vital but cultural, emotional, addictive, any food choice that removes one from the master tribe will cause a person to be eyed with scorn, suspicion, etc., even envy! finally talked to sister & mama so that when we go out to eat, they don't loudly tell me what i can & cannot eat, & still need to talk to bro-in-law. what I eat does not hurt them, plus, bc of the privilege inherent in americanness, i won't starve. at least not right now, w the country insane but still maintaining steady food supply... if in the house of someone serving animal flesh, i try to be a good guest, not a psalm-singing ass. (it's the "when at grandma's" idea. you don't refuse food grandma serves you.) and you know what? most humans don't monitor others' food choices... unless the others make a big gd deal about it!!... i've really liked not having stomach problems & have dropped a bit of poundage, been taking supplements here & there, but lately, increasingly, have been feeling weak, so weak. so after all these months, just now was a big moment bc i had a tin of my favorite canned fish from aldi, just to see if it'd help, but shared it w james since it's been a good long while since i've eaten animal stuff & no need to be a fool... i cannot remember what the book the world peace diet had to say about fish suffering, so that helped to eat it w/o feeling guilty. the result? almost immediately, i started feeling more energetic. james said it's likely the placebo effect, but if so, so be it. i just know i now feel better. like, within minutes of eating the deliciously tender savory fish steaks in yummy sauce. so between tinned fish & the occasional local egg (from a chicken not in deplorable factory-farm suffering), i think i'll be more up to snuff now. i'm no longer vegan, but cows, pigs, lambs, goats, chickens, octopus, my beloved creatures, you all still are safe around me. i wouldn't eat a cat, a dog, or a two yr old baby, so why would i eat you?

no matter how old i get,

i always step in s**t!! you'd think i'd know better by now. argh!!!!!!

love to draw. so pleasing i still somewhat can.

drew these last night, quickly!, using a free online font generator. the table i bought in sta clarita @ the junk store to hold my keyboard had a piece of tagboard in the drawer, & in my pocket was a school expo marker. so i got the wild hair & drew these. such coincidences please my soul deeply!... i remembered that james liked a certain font @ one time i'd found for the stompers. it was easy to recall, being called "third man," like one of my very favorite movies on earth, but memory sez it's the font from the opening of "touch of evil." either way, it's very wellesian, but also blasterish, so that makes this font nearly-ultimate cool in my book... the other is a hodgepodge of fonts, & i like it ok... today we had another snow day, but also couldn't have school anyways bc the water board turned off the h20 in the lower pt of town, where the school is, to make well repairs... now it finally is sunny and beautiful; earlier was icy, icy snow... been reading & hemming & hawing & playing the piano all day with headphones, waiting for james to awaken so i can practice my one man band. my set-up is so cool; i am so pleased with how the pieces have come together so i can play keys, sing, & kick a drum, too. i hope to run it all through my amp so that i can be totally independent. it just feels better that way, especially with the strangeness of what i really want to do. that lonely rockin strangeness is what i still crave, even as i get old, closer to the grave... pumping away at the instruments & voice for 30 mins is like going for a run or jumping around in an exercise class. just love it!!!... gee, sure hope he wakes up soon... on another note, am looking & looking for a particular edition of a children's religious book. think i got it as a gift when i had my first communion 50 yrs ago (preceding a life of hostile irreligiosity turned -- only after sobriety -- to agnostic pantheism)...yes, the little book made my weird little kid soul feel soothed, how good jesus was, the pretty illustrations. it was a particular edition w/ a yellow cover, a hardback, likely from the catholic shop then on h street in bakersfield, but when i turned teen, i cast the lovely book in the trash, snarling (at least in my memory), yet with a pang of regret that still sticks in my craw. like, i knew even then i shouldn'ta dumped that little book, "jesus of nazareth" by mother mary loyola. if you read this & might have a link, thank you for sharing it... it's all an ongoing quest for connection w/the ineffable: the music, the weather, the little book, the relationships, the life-death pull. it's all one pancake.

well, that is it for now.

music

am going to start my one-man band again & open for james next saturday... i am so happy. i feel like myself again! in a musical sense, that is... i will play all the weird songs that i can pull off vocally and pianistically... and maybe with my feet drumming along. we'll see how unrusty i can get in one week... here is the flyer. please share it!

best. book. ever. and r.i.p., gene, betsy, & their canine friend

i ordered it from penguin for $20, including s/h. the real book, the tangible tome, i think you'd agree, is much preferable to the online read. including this one.

below is the best article i've read of the sadness of the last days of this actor, with whom i was in abject infatuation from ages 12-15. (before that was humphrey bogart.)

hackman's character of popeye doyle is a bit like james, at least james's hale, fearsome, tough-talking, irish, rogue-cop parts. of course, as with all people, there's so much more... keep your attention tight on your loved ones, is the message i get. cleave close to your fellows, for "no [wo]man is an island." here is the article: A Lonely End for Two-Too-Private People

blablablablablablablablabla

in another life, i wrote a thesis on the topic of "learning with soul." the idea was if ppl connect authentically to an experience, they must learn & grow. it's evolutionary... tho it's sunday & there's no need to wake early, the animules don't know this & got me up @ 6 am w tinkling collars & expectant pants signifying their need to go potty. my husband is giving penny her eye drops right now, sweetly singing to her that he loves her. she's healing slowly, having injured her tiny paw, which carries a quite portly frame... so this morn i finally made corn bread cake w minced jalapenos, splash of vinegar hot sauce, topped w maple syrup, but not enough binder since i'm still learning to cook, then add the wrinkle of cooking w/o animal products... if you didn't know it, you can replace egg w apple sauce or a "chia egg," which is a T of chia seed mixed in warm water. anyways, tho it crumbled, the cake was great, so tasty w coffee... james woke @ a decent hr & we talked about the male version of the human just wanting to be on stage (endlessly soloing harmonica player) & the female version (woman singing janis joplin or "black velvet"). i recall the time i sang on the crystal palace stage, buck owens' place in bakersfield, & young blonde tarts keened from stage side, "IIII wanna sing, let MEEEE up there!" and @ the time, i thot, they wouldn't say that if i looked more like a movie star, more like somebody, but i think now ppl who go to shows, events, they want to be in the limelight, too.... we just decided i won't play @ his bd show march 16. last yr i had to cover the show bc he was ill, & ppl didn't like that. my forte, too, is NOT shuffles, tho i can do them. i've not much seen my place in james's testosterone-heavy band, not to say i don't love what he does... i am still hopeful the stompers will rise again... that conversation led to his reminiscence of kris kristofferson, when he went to some fest w phil alvin & x, w whom he was friends for a long while, & how kind & bright kristofferson was, & how ppl who sing janis joplin usually cause the walls to vibrate, but janis herself was beautiful bc, again, she was authentic. real. she suffered & lived & it shined thru her music & soul... here are pix of fun last wkend. we drove to hollywood to have delicious plant power, which i wish was on every offramp instead of the other poison pushers, then we walked around hollywood & looked @ the sea of humanity there, a samurai exhibit, the walk of fame, the hollywood costume shop, & the famous hands & feet @ grauman's chinese theatre... the candles are from the mexican supermarket on the way home, so bright, mysterious, & some sinister-seeming... it was a great wkend, & this one's been trying but we're still trudging. ok, i think that's it for now.

oops, i uploaded the wrong pic. the one here is the place of mama's & my dreams, south union, south bakersfield, our trees, our beautiful old farm road, our beautiful eucalyptus looming like grandmothers, protecting, enveloping, they used to usher me home when i was young & drunk, & young mama drove under them w her loud large family en route to redondo beach from delano to visit aunty iney, a trip that used to take 8 hrs in the 40s & 50s... ok, that is really it now.

it's peanut butter time, peanut butter, butter ti-i-i-ime

(sing to tune of "finger poppin' time.") i sang that & james told me, "i saw him do that live." of course, it couldn't just be that he saw hank ballard. he saw hank ballard backed by the blasters... which i only have a bootleg cd of. just by being alive, james always one-ups me, & he's never trying, he's just recounting his life. he's lived more than i have. i wouldn't still live if i'd lived his life... i'm stuffed right now on seasoned black beans & tortilla & rice & onion. it's kind of cold here. we're sposed to have another storm this wk, so we've spent all day working on the house & getting this property ready inside & out. i did every chore except the one i've been wanting to do for months: build a ramp to the little house (antoine pearl junior). might be a little skirrd of hurting myself. anyways, today's been fine even w/o ramp-building. the old man dog is clacking his toenails around the dining room as i type. james took our girl penny to the store. i really have nothing to talk about. did go to an inspiring mtg the other day, with ppl who are into positive action & have hope. that's important nowadays. it sure helped our mama, who's been devastated since november. ;

later that day, me & my big baboo went to a super-fun antique mall in downtown bakersfield, my old home of 25 yrs. so weird to go there now. all those people & cars & noise & stores & convenience. everything seems so much easier in suburbia-city. but also louder, unsafer, more startling, more chokey-aired. back to wagon wheel antique mall, we were having a great time in the funhouse-like place with peeks of the tunnels of downtown, & then james of course says he's been in the bakersfield tunnels, tho me & dad've been trying to get in them for decades, & moreover he knows all the tunnels of long beach... like i said, he's just done so much more than me. ok, i need to finish chores before shower & collapse. here are some pix.

terrible, rotten, unethical, monstrous pendejo

Coronation Fact Check, Live Update
response: Bernie Sanders Goes Scorched Earth on President Bone Spur's Inaugural Speech

the valley of the smokes, a glass jaw, the cinque terre

LA is on fire!! the santa anas are not just speaking, but roaring. james sez the LA basin is water on one side, mountains on the other, & the people of old called the area the valley of the smokes! i know the biggest one of all is on the west side. lots of wealth, LOTS. hope every one of the people affected by these fires has insurance that pays, & that the rest of us are able to absorb the blow when it affects our own premiums. bc you know it's gonna be rich to replace those mansions, restaurants, yachts, six-figure rides, & etc.

my cousins all are brilliant, but one in particular also got up to the 3rd rung working for elon musk, & he lives in the fires. he took his wife & child to safety. "we're not worried," he told his dad, my brilliant, kind uncle. "we're in a hotel." he could buy the hotel, james quipped.

i hope most people burned out of their lives have similar resources. but i think that's not the case.

have heard some of the blazes could be arson. humans are always the problem. always.

been having these bad pains, earaches & stabs in the skull & jaw, missed work, & being a hypochondriac, went wild on webmd & convinced myself i was a step from the grave. visited the young medico up here & he said it was tmj. it can happen when you talk a lot, he explained. i'm a teacher & a performer & i do a lot of singing, i said, & he said, that's it. i got a shot in the keester & meds & was on my way.

looked at my paperwork. he had diagnosed me as having a dislocated jaw.

turns out you can get one if you do the above, but also 3) eat crunchy or difficult-to-gnaw foods; or 4) yawn or sneeze with too-wide-a-mouth.

so beware..... of the snapping glass jaw!!

feeling much better now, stopped the meds, been doing these jaw exercises, & we happily spent the day working on our abode. it's january, but we've had the house open all day. the weather's that balmy. somehow that seems it could be related to the fires, but i dunno. climate seems wackier than when i was a kid, but maybe it's just that now i pay attention to it.

this picture is us at a stop on our vacation trip to palm springs. we ended up at the spaghetteria (bc it was next to a junk store), run by the rossis of florence. the waitress seemed brusque, so i went to the can with an attitude, spying walls lined with pix of movie stars & gangsters. on the way back to our table, an old woman who looked so familiar grinned at me from the kitchen with friendly snaggly teeth & sparkly downturned eyes. i used to see such faces when dad's italian family would assemble. i felt comforted, warm, even. the food came & the plain pasta was so much better than i could've dreamed, & james said his pizza was the best he'd ever had. as we left, a video show that had been going displayed the cinque terre, which is where grandpa gia came from. look look! i exclaimed. the gias are from there! la spezia. i was there lifetimes ago, but all i remember is seeing the pope on tv on sunday morning.

"wow, it's so beautiful," james said. "i wanna go there. let's go there."

i felt so happy bc now, with the changes james's made in his life & consequently ours, we might be able to do that. we'll just see.

a long life well-led

you can sign the condolence guest book and or donate here: jimmy carter center

santa claus is coming in a big black cadillac!!!!

we had the chango jam where we got to see little micky, her amazing 80 yr old roadie mama isabelle, ruben, jaime & daria, & others. at the school christmas show the next eve, we got to see my new boss mr m dancing & candy cane twirling like a parade majorette, dressed in high christmas dorky fun as mr gingerbread man. the guy will do anything to make the kids happy. james crouched in the sound area w/the great soundguy dwight as the 2nd-4th graders performed. mine came out & did their two elvis numbers. here is an awesome pic of two of my elvises (there were four).

how it worked out was we studied elvis's moves, his facial expressions, how he sang, how everyone either wanted to go out with or be elvis, then we had "elvis auditions" in class. every third grader that completed the audition (two ran off "the stage," which was simply the middle of the classroom) got to be part of the elvii show crew. as you can see, these two excelled in the costume department, & one, the jailhouse rock elvis, in the poses. the other, vegas elvis, did the mike & arm swing moves at showtime. all was cool, a bit strange mebbe, but great fun tho james reported some in the back row looked petrified w/stage fright. we'd had several sessions about how to overcome that, but i guess if you're only 8 yrs young & haven't been much on a stage, it's gonna happen... vacation has started & all is swell. happy holidays. :)

don't think the magic's gone

i got the best possible news & decided to make a video: https://photos.google.com/photo/AF1QipOUDlV0j1ji_0FOvKjS935mkatqw-jlFg0F6jaP

let's get ready to jingle & rock! "rockin' around the christmas tree at the christmas chango jam..."

here's the updated flyer. if you are nearby, please come to the show! manuel's (big manny's) high school's music program appreciates the support, plus it will be a great eve to pre-celebrate the holidays!

my sweet baboo, & sister, too

thanks to the u.s. gov (and childhood, teenagedom, & adulthood), my sweet baboo has had struggles. realization of these led to his decision last month to seek assistance. 24 days later, thanks to my sister, driver angie, i was able to travel to the nevada desert to visit my sweet baboo. we had such a nice time. here are pix: james & i times many, james posing on his balcony, then sister angie & i at omega mart las vegas & calico ghost town, & finally, back home with the mammal children. this was the first time my sister & i had a trip together, just the two of us. this made the whole adventure doubly special. may your holidays be gentle.

chango chango chanGO, chango chango chanGO

life is still on. am going to a different type of mtg now. got to the dump AND antique store. james has been "organizing" our booth, which means i spent 90 mins today beautifying it. "he's a man," said the lady who works there. i used to bristle at such statements, but some generalizations do seem truth.... i go to rx next fri. am curious what the numeros will be since stopping animal foods 2 mos ago. what effect will that have? will i be anemic? somehow in danger? when i find out, i will report here, if it be useful to readers... it's been interesting figuring out how to re-eat. the best foodstuffs i've found or already knew: 1) nutritional yeast (tastes like cheese, but research the types bc some contain phytoestrogens); 2) black salt (adds a meat-like funky umami flavor to stuff); coconut oil (slobber slobber); beans, the fabulous fruit; polenta; and, unfortunately, oreos. the "cream" in the middle is nothing but chemicals. nutritionally, this isn't good, but from the point of view of one trying not to each food that once had a face, it works for now... winter is coming here, bitterly cold winter... in the agida & soul-sickness department, nov 5 americans elected satan so they could save on groceries, yesterday a sad-&-ancient-looking mike tyson fought a human sh*tstain in a likely fix for beaucoup bucks, & seems even more than ever like idiocracy is the way of the day... so to quote ken nordine, "how are things in your world?"

loving ppl

is expensive!!!! mama says, it's just money. (if you have it, that is.) i can be lonesome & loaded or beloved & brokeish. i guess the latter is the one i'll keep going for!!!

hokelly smokelly!!!!

look what i just found!!!! Dusk Devils on Bandmine

three topics

1. health & illness

2. music

3. husband

so re numbero uno, trying to remove popcorn piece from maw, i used a nifty plastic toothpick, a device i'm new to, which i should have noted resembled a tiny sword, & accidentally but deftly stabbed my tender gum flesh, resulting in an electric shock & much blood. the spot was darn swole for some time, morphing into terrible head illness (i've noted here life'd be better if only for my head, & too bad i can't get around w/o it). jaw, gums, teeth, ear, throat, tonsil, the only things that didn't throb were my nostrils & eyeballs. after a very quick trip to the lone star state & worrying myself near to death about barometric pressure cabin changes that might possibly cause the infirm coconut to explode, i made it to the dentist.

"i hevv never seen this," the elderly european gent clipped. "your tooth iss goood... but the root iss infect-ed."

i called to moan to dearest father about this, thinking it something special. "oh yes," he said. "i've had two of those."

ah! heredity! also... stupidity! (in my case.)

now am on a hefty regimen of old-school antibiotics. the evil stabbing toothpicks are out front of the house in our curbside free little library, which has turned into the curbside free little junk stop. let some younger or smarter person deal with them. i am now swore off the things for life.

re music... there has been none w/james tho we WILL HAVE THE CHRISTMAS CHANGO JAM THIS YEAR!!!! YAAAAAAY!!!! i "play" each day at school, wonderful school, at which we sing patriotic songs each morning. ("john brown's body" is october's morbid tune -- it's so cool to teach little kids about him, let them decide that yes, he had the right idea, but he went about it the wrong way.) then the transition songs: now working w/littler ones -- which, how did i know would be so fun? --- i come up w/tunes on the fly all the time, & they jump right in, singing & dancing & moving along. how was i to know what a great little kid teacher i'd be?? how swell & rewarding it would be to teach little kids?? i just love it!!!

then their clean up songs: "linus & lucy" followed by "the pink panther."

boy, i just love these little kids, & this clean & safe school, & the fellowship amongst the adults. plus i get to still see many of the middle school kids, former students, as they wait for the bus at our school... who knew such a great job was waiting just one mile from this casa? every day as i drive to work (3 minutes!), i want to pinch myself. how did this happen???

topic 3: my husband, hurricane james, whom i love so very much, has an annoying habit of leaving, then losing his phone, or not charging his phone, or yaddayadda. fortunately, because i have this new job (3 minute drive!!), this impedes my life only a crumb. the house is so clean & quiet while he flies around this or that place in smellay & socal. i eat & write & watch on tv whatever i want.

however, we DO miss him. there is no james crashing & banging & singing & braying & smiling & grouching around the house, no stomping down the steps, no bb guns or potato guns firing into the arroyo, no booms from the basement like something from you can't take it with you, no cigarette smoke, no cigarette ashes, no messy piles & nests all around the house, basement, little house, & porches, no clomping steps & late-night singing & strumming & guffawing & crying & joke-yelling & cussing.

the animals lay forlornly across the couch, peering at the door. "where is daddy?" they seem to say.

i get into magic bed & all the covers are neatly arranged, instead of the usual seeming tornado-aftermath that is there.

i can complain, but i won't. my cousin in tx just says, "you gotta roll with it. life sucks, but you gotta look for the good moments." (i really have so many.)... and mama says, "there's no one like him." that is so true.

but tonight i will get into the soft, silent bed, the lovely smart bed with massage & adjustable head & foot & silky sheets & pillows, & without my hurricane here, even with my best intentions of reading or watching a show sordid or edifying, or playing a game, or exercising or meditating, i will drop off to sleep. just. like. that.

do some huggin' & lovin' at the county fair

i'm certain i've posted this before, but turns out james helped write that song, one of my favorites from phil alvin's county fair 2000 LP, being reissued without the names of ppl who helped on the project, such as james... we love county fairs. we went to the kern. a tiny fallow bell pepper sat in the soil at the outdoor ag exhibit. i put it in my bag, we got back to the gias', sliced & ate it, james, me & the gias... we will soon i hope go to the biggest fair in the country. we shall see what happens.