jennycast two

am filming these w/ancient equipment in a language style opposite of how i write this blog. i edit & revise the blog obsessively quite often, trying to mow it down to EXACTLY what i mean, a lot of times trying to figure out what the crap i DO mean -- for the vodcasts, i'm just practicing talking off the cuff. between now & the next one, i must look up synonyms for "intriguing," i think!... anyways, hope you glean some reading or other good ideas from this.

"squirrel!"

in the pixar animation classic UP, is dug the greatest screen depiction ever of a dog? i think so... helping sister clean her office the other day, i stumbled on a photo of one of my former dog-children as an innocently adorable sleeping pup & a sob caught in my throat... at a meeting, a young man last night shared how he knows he must stay sober cause of his little son, how he can't go more than a few days w/o him or he just misses him too much & he knows he needs to be a good dad for the boy & our friend brahma wagged, "yeah, i feel that way about lakshmi [his dog]" to which the young man replied, "f**k you, brahma!" & all laughed... what i'm getting at is, yes, i miss my dogs very much, but they are DOGS, & if i turn my eyes away from this screen for only a moment, i can watch a dumb little squirrel booking it up the mountainside, fat tail spinning, & basically remember that fundamentally i have nothing to complain about or feel sorry for myself about... just went thru the grueling process of updating my resume, which always makes me feel both frustrated & proud. externally, i've accomplished a lot of good & solid work in This World, & i hope to accomplish more... while in google drive adding a backup copy, i found a recording i'd made of meade lux lewis's "honky-tonk train." it was my phone message for a blink until i heard it was blasting out people's ears & took it off. hearing it made me think how i'll get chagrined by my (to me)  plodding, all-thumbs playing (james says i'm cursed to know some of the world's greatest boogie-woogie pianists, then unrealistic cause i compare myself to them!)... but then sometimes i love being a sort-of pedestrian left-handed barrelhouse pianist, for tho i lack the finesse & licks of many a righty, i can steamroll the rhythm-boogie hand, which feels great, like a beautiful grueling endurance sport -- like a very fast & elegant runner versus a steadily-chugging long-distance jogger. yes, my playing's not fancy, but i can rock that 12 bar honky-tonk rockabilly-boogie thing for quite a long while before i'm worn out! and again, it feels swell... know what i mean, jellybean?: riding yourself to the edge, then driving further, onward, upward, no stopping, til the end & past... i'm sure james'd have a succinctly colorful & obscene way of putting it, but he's napping, so that's what i got for now... when you think you're done, maybe there's more: keep on pushing!
- well, that's more than enough... gotta finish reading those books so can make another blablapodcast... HAPPY FRIDAY!

"it was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."

(bet this is a repost... but i like this pic of us reading together)

pains me to say i know nothing more from the above classic, tho dickens' christmas carol is one of my top 10 most favorite novels ever (well, actually it's a novella). tale of two cities is not among them, but i do have a pile of no less than 30 books am reading/should read; will report next on this blog w/an updated jennycast once have gotten thru the two am working on currently.
was gonna write about the sheers, cliffs, plateaus, ascents, soars, swoops, plunges, & sweeping joys of this past week but am too tired, so blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla blablalablablablablabla
that just will have to suffice for now.
may you all who be reading be well.
anyone reading anything, for that matter: readers, be well.

"therrrrr goanna put me in the movies..."

no, not me, but someone the other night told james, "you could be a movie character!" he had just met karling's beau johnny tong & they were scrapping & circling around the parking lot like jets & sharks, if jets & sharks were fun-loving maniacs who talked trash & rumbled to entertain themselves & everyone around... james, johnny & karling ALL could be movie characters, i think. johnny is an unusual person for us to get to meet: an accomplished performer (magician in the sideshow tradition, featured on ripley's, for instance, sticking a snake up his nose), wingnut (firing up his eyes & laughing wildly to match james), & productive member of society somehow (he & karling do magic shows for children every morning!). "johnny is just so crazy & wild," she said, "people either get him or they don't -- they either love him or hate him!" i smiled; i do know this one. :)  her johnny, of whom we used to perform a song i didn't know was about HIM, is about our age but looks much younger -- he's chimpanzee strong & lean, & karling's lovelier than ever, i thought, seeming much happier. yes, they were so nice & fun to hang out with, a strikingly attractive match as i write reminding me of one time when art fein described seeing lux & ivy walking out of the movies in so-cal: "they cut quite a figure."
 i quit karling's band back in '12, when james's & my romance was in its initial roaring bonfire (now a steady, hearty hearth, thank you, good universe), but i've missed her & regretted having had to quit, hoping all along her new love & life were a comforting fit for her. there were parallels, i thought, between what happened romantically in her life & mine, so i'm very happy for her, & for me & james, too! :D
omnia vincit amor! ... et amor gignit amorem!
here are some pictures of my british friend & me as well as my handsome husband & his "new brother," who apparently is in the giant head club with james & me. (mom & dad always consoled me this way: "big head, big brain." since angie & karling have normal-sized heads but are both very intelligent, i don't know if i buy this, tho i appreciate the love behind the sentiment.) one thing i know: a big head, better seen from the back row, is the head of a performer, so i'm glad we have them! :D well, i'm nearly 47 years old today... good gravy! time to go get ready for visiting family.

superior, inferior: there's plenty in between, wouldn't you know...

... have been doing a lot of step work writing this a.m. on how superiority & perfectionism are basically just the addict mind's way of seeking immediate gratification (actually, the thought came from a hazelden title, the presence at the center)... such determinations are easy to make, where products are concerned, & james's computer definitely is superior to mine! i use it now as he's in his last moments of slumber to quickly update this blablablog. soon it'll be time to get up & hit the road!
mama had the perfect 70th birthday party. i could just tell, as it transpired, from her smiling face as well as the ease & happiness of events, it was exactly what she wished for! (-- tho 20 degrees cooler would've been nice for all...) yesterday eve, we had such a fun trip home, meandering & exploring, like i used to when i first moved to the mountain. so much to see in the smoggy south valley!, if at the least the expansive order of lovely agricultural fields: the beautiful darkly dancing grapevines, stalwart armies of corn, burstingly, cheerfully green alfalfa, mysterious soft fields of flowers resembling roses, except stinky (james hopped out on a lonely road to pluck one for our investigation; mom & dad soon will tell us what is the variety; we figure they're planting them in abundance lately bc they must drink little water... we in california are in severe drought, you know!) add to all this a grocery emporium entertaining as an amusement park (really!), an ice cream cone, a truck stop spilling w/american roadside culture, ranch homes & farm homes & barns, silos, dairy cows, cactus & palm fields, melancholy old trees, grand golden mountains, well, there was so much to experience & enjoy on that trip home, & don't you find yourself so often happily surprised by the small beauties this life has to offer?

- some pix: two joyous veterans (oh, how would it be to be 89 years old if one could be as mentally agile & well-preserved as family friend don?); mama, lovely on her special birthday, surrounded by loved ones galore; james sampling tortillas heck a mano; & how i wish i'd bought myself one of these aprons when we took a family trip to paris many years back... angie said i got one for her & mama at that time, but i don't remember a thing, typically, except know now i sure like the apron: it made me feel like i belonged & not think as much about the piano, how i wasn't sitting at it playing, as we spent all a.m. in the kitchen in tortilla & enchilada assembly lines...
who'd think that cooking could be fun?? life: a continuing journey of revelation, i tell ya...

well, there's plenty more to blab about, but i'm just hoping i'll be able to stick to the personal plan i just wore out my hand writing about: compassionate detachment, remembering we all are boddhisattvas of the earth, that i control this world no more than a flea on a log captains the log along a river; to be aware, accepting, take contrary action, blablablablabla, etc etc etc (ps - tonight, sat. july 26, is benefit for candye kane at don the beachcomber on pch in sunset/huntington beach, ca, 7:30-11:30 pm, hosted by whiteboy james & barry g... come on out, if you'll be in the neighborhood! my old bandleader karling will be there, & i look forward to saying hello to her as well as to laura chavez, guitar wunderkind, & my old friend candye, the most dedicated stone-cold womb-to-tomb woman purveyor of song that i ever have had the pleasure of knowing!)

jennycast uno

critique & addendum one day after posting the above: wish i'd combed my hair. wish i'd cut my hair! wish i'd smiled more. wish the song had higher volume. overall, tho, this is what i'll do, i think, riffing from general idea. corrections: i was going to post the poems to this blog (not video) & williams is mama's favorite PLAYWRIGHT.... onward, here's a terrific article about maria bamford -- my highly-recommended quick read: the weird, scary & ingenious brain of maria bamford ... in the '80s, many humans receiving mental health support had the rugs ripped out from under them. in the past decade, an increasingly interracial culture as well as gender advocacy efforts have greatly de-stigmatized issues of race & sex -- compare it to when i was in high school in the '80s: gays were "bashed" by the football team & the races at school were strictly delineated, causing my biracial sister & i considerable alienation.... i remember w/delight when as a teacher i started noticing the student rosters morphing as interracial kids appeared more & more: brittany rodriguez; shenieka schwartz; cody gonzales; etc... anyways, back to the point: i'm hopeful that increasing acceptance now is happening on the mental health front. 30 years ago, andy kaufman was considered brilliant, but also a train wreck:  hollywood didn't know what to do w/him. 30 years later, maria bamford is breaking out into stardom, better understood & therefore receiving the recognition her unusual talent deserves. groups like NAMI, WWP, media attention to TBI & acceptance & even adoration of performers like bamford, i hope, all evidence a movement of healing.
i watched the documentary last night of two minds, about bipolar "disorder": to paraphrase, "that ['crazy'] person is your sister. that person is your mother. that person is your husband, your friend." that person is you. that person deserves to be accepted, not rejected, supported, not abandoned.
(she now steps down from soapbox to go do the dishes.)

bad dreams, sore back, bit of crumbcake

- i woke this morning to a stupid bad dream brought on, i'm sure, by pain from stupid hurt back & maybe that 1/4 bag of salt-&-pepper popcorn i ate last night while passing out to the smithsonian channel... reminded me of a very weird short film by winsor mccay (creator of little nemo in slumberland, so visually strange & brilliant, please, if you've never read or seen them, look them up -- not the animated movie, but the beautiful & bizarre strips by mccay!) -- the short is about a monster created from nightmare brought on by dyspepsia... let me see if i can find it...
- great jumping jehoshaphat! here it is! the internet is ever-astounding; so much for the hours, days, months, years of research it once took to locate a rare fact or eureka of information: here is that film, & hope you will watch it! dreams of the rarebit fiend... i spose in cases of more intense, high level, or arcane academic research, like the kind dad or alicia do, one still has to dig & dig & dig & maybe ever-dig to get answers that maybe never come... never give up, noble research nerds!! never surrender!!
- anyways, i'm just taking a break from yardwork cause tho i so love to be out in the clean air & breeze under the happy sunlight in the gigantic yard raking & hoeing & hacking & whacking & smacking (just kidding; little roy brown ref, you know), my back's been hurting, so have to measure my fuel expenditure so the engine doesn't crack... nothing much more except as i worked & enjoyed the breeze, pausing for a sec to look up & see someone from the fellowship drive by, look up, then keep driving w/o a flicker of recognition, i thought, it's almost like i'm in disguise when i'm not in makeup & a dress. then i thought of the other night at james's show when a nice man said, "i love your hair... but what do you call your makeup? is that goth?" his girlfriend slapped him lightly & laughed, "no, stupid, she's not GOTH!" and i mumbled something, & he reiterated, "but i really love your HAIR!" and when i had walked away, i remembered: bride of frankenstein.

the shepherd, the boatman & the king

 here's the pic of us i mentioned below... just for balance's sake, here's a pic of the delightful cake my friends on the mountain made me for my sobriety birthday! it reminded me of when i was a teacher & would get student drawings, lovingly wrought, of each child artist's envisioning of me. all are such gifts, to be treasured for as long as my memory can hold them. :)
just was stretching my tweaked back & listening to an audio on roku buddhist channel from sakya trizin. what moved me was a different way of looking at compassion i'd never considered, the concept of boddhicittra -- found this page online w/elaboration, & hope you'll find it interesting:  six causes for one effect ... a wonderful event tonight will be whiteboy james & the blues express at shenanigan's in long beach, ca -- the last show of his i enjoyed there was so neat -- many strollers by, tourists & europeans, stopped to gawk & laugh & revel in james's amazing showmanship, singing, playing, & overall star power! don't miss it, if you're in the area... shenanigan's, 423 shoreline village dr, long beach, ca 90802

yaaaaaaaawwwwwnn

Oh, I am exhausted, listening to drunken voices on city street below. So grateful to be supine. Thought we were all done moving, but noooooo...oh, my aching feeeeet!!!..
 I know this: am done w bargain hunting for a while! So much stuff... too many possessions... such a golden problem, maybe a western problem... maybe a hoarder problem!!! My 19th sobriety bd went so nicely from the moment I woke til I hit the bed that nite. So grateful to be clean & sober cause i'd be doomed otherwise. At the large, happy family party, we took a great bathing suit pic, triple photobombed most hilariously by cheeky family. Brother Doug says he will put it on their Christmas card, but 1st he has to Photoshop black bars over James's impressive pecs & physique. As bawdy as he is onstage, my husband is very private personally, as am I, tho I'm not bawdy (just like short hems). We took this pic facing ultra-bright flash tonight, the final wbjbe Wed at Harvelle's. All were delighted when Max Bangwell showed up to play a set. Scarecrow-gaunt, Max still is the most entertaining, creative & solid drummer I've ever watched or seen. It was wonderful to see him in action as well as witness the love radiating between these friends. Well, hubby is back, so time to sign off for now . (Picture later - too confusing, puzzling how to add it from phone using hunt-peck method. Where is a teenager at times like this?)

together again...

-> taking a break from unpacking... this whole moving week's been an exhausting blur of backbreaking labor, mental strain, frustration, sitting around waiting, fatigue-induced blubbering spells, & the payoff -- exploring & hanging out w/my husband last night, a time of fun, elation, freedom, romance & possibility. what a mix! what a rollercoaster! and we're coming off this ride worn-out but just fine, even exhilarated & ready to ride more. stronger, safer, & more alive! thank you, james... (refer to ike & tina song)
-> a song keeps waltzing around my brain & it brought up memories... i wonder if the older i get, the more memory takes over til if i'm not watchful, i'm permanently lost in it, not present cause the mental hard drive's so filled up w/data? hope not; hope to stay awake & alive; hope the ever-thickening panoply of remembrances will add layers of life-experiences allowing ever-deepening wisdom & appreciation rather than drooling absent-mindedness... please tell me you think about this stuff, too???
-> anyways, many lives ago in bakersfield, i was in the employ of a country-western tv star-singer who called me up to his office cause he heard thru his son i played piano. he asked if i wrote songs & at that time i had a grand total of two -- didn't start songwriting much til a few yrs after i sobered up. i was too intimidated to play anything in front of the old man -- even tho the beautiful grand in the office did provoke in me a longing, i was a crappy musician in those days & knew it. i was way more interested in getting loaded than playing piano, & while i've always been able to plunk out melodies & could even then, blind drunk or high, i couldn't coordinate my hands to do anything even a bit more technical, tho i would try sometimes. how embarrassing to recall the faces of puzzled friends trying to be polite, no doubt thinking to themselves, i thought she said she could play piano? and maybe even, oh g*d, she sucks!! she must be cracked to have said she knew how to play!! ...ah, my delusional, idiotic youth!  :D
-> anyways, back to the story, years later i was told that the old man's office was bugged so he could steal songs, which now that i type it, sounds kinda paranoid, but the old man was both a really good & really terrible guy, from my experience & understanding, both philanthropic & downright mean, so maybe it was true... i've heard stories since about other artists of high repute, some of my musical heroes, even, who rip off songs from others. so disappointing, but i guess laziness & greed (& possibly desperation from creative drought) of this kind is part of some human's nature... even if that human's a million-record seller!
-> my old friend ruben, late of east la's the blazers, told me to do a poor man's copyright after i finally put out my 1st batch of songs in the early '00s -- "then if someone steals one of your tunes & makes money on it, you go after 'em!" he said, grinning. what you do is, you record your compositions, seal them in an envelope, then mail them back to yourself, leaving the package unopened. i did it, & one tune DID get recorded... my payment? i got a CD containing the guy's version of the song. the rest of the songs i've written, hundreds of them, sit in drawers & boxes around here. yeah, i'm sure not getting rich off songwriting, but on the other hand i still've got the creative satisfaction of having written them as well as the considerable pleasure & gratitude of knowing this desire lives in me & continues to produce... do what you love, love what you do...
-> anyways, i keep thinking of one of buck owens' lovelier songs as i unpack, wondering now if he even wrote it, & if he didn't, who did? did someone someplace write these lyrics, then get ripped off by mister o? if so, i hope their pride in having written something beautiful soothes the what-must-be horrible pain of having a baby stolen...
-> together again / my tears have stopped falling / the lone, lonely nights / are now at an end / the key to my heart / you hold in your hand / and nothing else matters / we're together again / together again / my gray skies are gone / you're back in my arms / back where you belong / the love that we knew / is living again / and nothing else matters / we're together again
-> ok, back to unpacking... may you have a day, & then another, & then another... :)

well, look there: it's a well!

look what dad & james found yesterday, day one of the Big Move! we were so happy to see mom & dad, & vice-versa. dad loves to work outdoors, like i do now, too: he relishes every chance to dig holes, climb hills, pull down branches, plant & cultivate gardens & landscaping, chop, hammer, saw, drill, get his hands in the soil, work on vehicles, build things, etc., & james, being from the city but w/lots of rural hard-work experience in his youth, seems to, also:  i was happy they found this well/cistern & together got it opened up. how mysterious, i think! a well! such a thing, seemingly out of nowhere! wonder if we'll ever discover its story?

traffic from so-cal was just absolute garbage-crap, so i was so grateful to get here on the mountain to not just beautiful, peaceful skies & scenery, but mom & dad w/table of picnic gourmet meal, courtesy of mama. we're about 40% toward starting this new life-chapter at this point, & it's been a buttload of work!, so i'm doing what i did when a teacher nearing each school-year-end: projecting my brain ahead one week to the end of this move, when it will all be in the past, merely a grueling memory of bruises, bumps, sore muscles & tired cranky thoughts. my  hoped-for outcome? a relaxing Home of creativity, peace, fun & growth, away from the city, which is great to visit, but also great to depart! .. speaking of cool cities, unable to sleep well, i watched  another episode of anthony bourdain's travel show, this one about tangier, which looks like the quintessence of the intriguing, mysterious escape! i couldn't sleep due to a stupid fire ant bite that kept me up near-all night. how could something so small hurt so badly?? look up schmidt ant bite pain scale for humorous description of such excruciating experiences...
well, the computer crashed & erased the rest of what i had written, so guess it wasn't that important... may your home be where your heart is, & may you avoid fire ants, wherever the dastardly, infernal, blasted, angry little bast*rds may may be! (ps - tonight, don't miss whiteboy james & the blues express at the regal inn in lakewood, ca... all good people are invited... heck! everyone's invited: good, bad, & ugly! come out & enjoy some great music doled out by the best front man on this planet...)

blablablablablablablabla

- (i was going to post this yesterday, the longest day of the year, but i fell asleep.)

- how about a short essay about physical attraction? after all, this is the longest day of the year, marking the beginning of summer, season of fecundity (or, wait, that's spring: oh well; i don't want to rewrite this entire post)...

- here's a pic of my legs. james bought me the designer gold shoes.
- i'd rather have my sister's legs -- slimmer, longer. but mine are strong & muscular & have served me well. yes, i post here my legs, self-objectifying / self-centered, maybe, but you know what? i'm proud of them. many 100s of thousands of squats, lunges, burpees, calisthenics, asanas, hikes, & jogs have formed these legs (plus genetics)...

- the gams are in part what attracted my husband to me, he has said. in my experience, males generally are more (i don't use this word pejoratively, please know) fetishistic than females, drawn by body parts -- some say men in general are more "visual," but i've read it's due to the straight male's instinctual link to Mother. all human creatures have that bond-instinct, of course, but hetero women are less apt to objectify men physically because their initial survival attachment to mother is same-sex, therefore not eroticized. (yech - don't know why i don't like that word except my family always has been so very, very proper, meaning close-mouthed about issues of sexuality.) in straight men, when the comfort of Mother is removed, especially if prematurely, physical longing can result. for instance, i knew a guy in bakersfield who actually would say, his wife standing there chuckling, he was a "boob guy" cause "my mom's stacked." yech! but at least he was being honest... yes, talking just of straight males, some are chest men, some like long hair, some like rear ends. some -- like james -- are classier when describing what they find attractive while others are grosser, even degenerate, even scary. all women know it happens: as you go through life as a female person, you meet creeps. i relate it to how here & there, you can't help it, you step in dog poop.

- james said he liked my smile, too, the happy & sincere smile i know i got from my folks. (not the joker smile i use to keep my personal space protected.) i thought that was sweet of him, to be drawn to that. even though james can be foul-mouthed & tough as bullets, his comment reminded me of my dad & what a gentlemanly not-pig, a noble man, dad's always been...

- i have my definite "type," too, so maybe i'm a little like a dude that way. it can be a hazard, though: i've  been in several major car crashes due to being overwhelmed by initial attraction -- my friend denise decades ago described  it as "toxic chemicals," so in addition to looks, there's the pheromone thing, too.  it's always disturbed me that, once i like how a fellow looks, i can be drawn even more by the smell of booze radiating from his pores -- however, i AM an alcoholic, even if in arrest for now-almost 19 years. please know i'm not swooning in the wake of every drunk male wafting past -- far from it. and i'm aware of the nature of the allure of that smell: it's just me being a drooling drunk. even after all these years. my body still wants a drink -- further proof that, today, i must not imbibe.

- in general, when women point out a guy as being "hot" or attractive, i don't get it. it's especially weird when a woman my age points out a younger man -- probably cause i was a teacher for so many years; young men (generally anyone under late-30s) look to me like students. and males attracted to young women? yes, youth can be aesthetically appealing, but any attraction beyond that is revolting & probably indicating pedophile tendencies... yech. go away, pervert.

- yes, i recognize that many human forms are artistically pleasing or "attractive" by societal standards, but definitely i am not in general attracted to 99.9% of humans "in that way." the human form can be as beautiful as a sunset, mountain, work of art (the first known sculpture was of "the lovers," two figures in embrace, from neolithic times). but that certainly does not mean that any human should be treated like or mounted like an object. no way.

- all of this blabbing doesn't even get in to personality. how many attractive people have YOU encountered who, once you started talking to them, were dumb as dirt, boring, arrogant, pretentious, presumptuous, superficial, crazy in a not-fun way, mean, prejudiced, or otherwise lacking in the human being department? -- so finding that one person who has the right combination of physical appeal & personality, well, if you love such a person, consider yourself blessed. and hold on tight, though not so tight that you choke the life out of the poor sucker. (if you have this tendency, go to al-anon!)

- i have been very, very, very comforted these past two years that i am attracted to & devoted to james only, & no one else even makes a blip on my radar. and i'm not even keeping my eyes downturned, fighting to avoid temptation: there IS no temptation. truly this is sign of the goodness of the universe, in my opinion, & encouragement that a person (even me) can move toward moral improvement... it's healthy progress for me, even if i'm still a nutbag in many other ways.

- i'm thinking my job & yours (should you undertake it) is to look honestly at those nutbag/shadow parts & learn to love them so they can stop rearing their horrid heads, may be transformed into something positive, &, best scenario, may be used to help another human feel less alone & dreadful. ("oh, haha! you think YOU were jealous? get a load of THIS!" or  "oh, you think YOU were a bad partner? well -- whew! -- wait til you hear what EYE did one time!")

- the key: "awareness, acceptance, action" -- thank you, carla.

i said to this wanting creature inside me...

(what a title! here is the link: kabir & sufi poets) (sometimes i tell the wanting creature just to shut up, but that's far less poetic!)
just this morning i was thinking on how the yearning to connect to eternal, good, god, order never will be satisfied... & that's ok! this is the highest constant longing, & always will reap deep reward, even -- maybe especially! -- in states of trial/weakness (think of paul's side-thorn). keep seeking! when i think of the hours i've squandered in earthly longings, i'm comforted by this need that i ever will seek to fulfill, but never will! it's like a great book you can't put down & that has no ending...
- so, on another topic what, to you, are the loveliest sounds in this world?
- i sit here happy as an ox, listening to many lovely sounds, as well as the dumb, persistent thrum of the refrigerator. the lovely sounds are these:
1. the beautifully mournful coo of a dove, to my ear yet-always sounding hopeful: it's my most favorite sound in this world.
2. various little birds chirping, trilling, cheeping & singing
3. a quail clucking (he must not know it's not dawn or dusk, which is usually when i hear them...)
4. the wind in the trees (gently brushing, most civilized, enjoyable, even scintillating, unlike the blasting banshee howls, like demons coming down the mountain, when the wind really gets moving around here -- so grateful that's not happening right now!)
- this is going to be a lovely weekend, no matter the particulars... from rest & reflection, prayer &  graduation to food & family, laughs, love, travel & music & friends to moving moving moving.  all under the auspices of universal order, all will go smoothly, bumpy, or something in the middle...  it'll all go as it's sposed to & w/o my pre-approval. ha! that's what i get... thank goodness.
may you hear lovely sounds...

blablablablablablabla zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

i took my chill pill, so want to squeeze out this entry before i drop into obliviona (somnambula?)... just ordered pizza after a long day of twiddling thumbs, staring into space, contemplating/cursing/exhalting existence, pulling weeds & moving boxes. the house is Now Ready for inhabitant number two's arrival. yes, the most important man in the world soon will be here, & he'll have lots of room to spread out, pursue hobbies, play & write songs, yak on the phone, listen to records, look at the stars, walk up into the mountains, shoot coyotes w/bb gun, smoke copiously on one of the four porches, pet the vagabond cat & dog, cook, chop out dead trees... and pull weeds w/me, i hope.
i've spent the week furiously culling & organizing possessions, then assembling, packing, moving 100s, heck, maybe 1000s of pounds of boxes, ladders, lumber, tools, flooring, wheelbarrows of trash, rocks & weeds, furniture. this place is multi-level, so this all involved a lot of climbing stairs, too. grateful to be able to get around so well at my age, even after smashing my foot on a board & wrenching my wrist trying to carry too much weight at once. on the other end, TMIMITW has been busy, too, culling, organizing, disassembling, packing. we are tcb, in the parlance of the king... speaking of whom, james's kentucky family adores elvis & has a family connection: one uncle gave young elvis his first job as a movie theatre usher; others used to hang w/young elvis -- the uncle now in california was long-legal counsel for mr scotty moore, in fact! then there's the awesome story about jerry lee lewis, whom i found out is more than just a bad apple, but a sinister character -- a charming, tough uncle, a family patriarch whom james resembles, older family members say, beat the tar out of the killer onstage one night, one crew against the other. pulled him right off his piano, the story goes, but the killer totally deserved it, if facts be told... it's always baffled me how some artists have tremendous talent, even genius, yet are horrible creatures, moral offenders, brutes, bad  monsters. insanity/emotional trouble + talent, yes, i acknowledge & know that connection & that one even makes sense: but it bothers me, the ones who reek as human beings & yet can produce unparalleled works in their field when they should be mundane &/or burned at a stake, maybe!!... well, the pizza's here & i'm going into warble land, so this is about it except to add, if you're on this mountain, ALWAYS order pizza from caveman cavey's, not mike's pizza. both produce very tasty food, but CC's is friendly, always w/attitude of pleasing the customer, & inform you of deals... the other does not possess any of those positives, & in fact, one time overcharged me considerably when i brought in my family to treat them. to not upset anyone, i paid the inflated bill, but remember the adage, which chuck berry recited in hail hail rocknroll: "fool me one time, shame on you. but fool me two times... shame on me."
ps - doug & angie, graduating together saturday from bible college (doug is valedictorian! both are getting MAs!), are the greatest, & they're right: spirits, good & evil, are real... the demon of depression's got my number for now, but i'm gonna get my number back & run that sucker into the hole from whence it came because i got the power now. i got the power & you do, too! "be still & know..." that's all. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

what lies behind you and what lies in front of you...

pales in comparison with what lies within you. (emerson)
emerson! so many jewels produced he!
oh! these are the best of times!and not the worst of times! :D
times precious, fragile, sacred, funny, chaotic, purposeful, wholesome, productive, exciting, loving, unknown, fecund, beautiful, amazing...
my heart soars.... may yours, as well!
(i recommend these latelies... emerson! as well as tagore, epictetus, rumi; documentary spiritual revolution; the jubalaires & piano red!; netflix anthony bourdain & stephen fry travel shows; tv show silicon valley; books the buddha in your mirror, language of letting go, the heart of the lotus sutra, & what you see in the dark -- the last a novel set in my smoggy, down-at-the-heels, unpretentious, heart-felt, somehow loveable hometown, bakersfield!
(used to think of bakersfield as being like a bad relationship: you can't get rid of it & somehow don't want to, like the scab that never heals cause you can't stop picking at it... but now i think bakersfield's more like a rescue dog, that dirty, disquieted, hopeful, friendly, tenacious creature bursting with life, entitled to live "with ease and comfort" just as much -- no more, no less, cause all of life is equal & sacred -- as its fellows who may be pampered, prosperous, presumptuous or maybe sniping, ill-tempered, small-minded, even stupid, or any of its brethren possessing of "superior" or negative qualities... and if it sounds like i'm casting judgment, well, i'm part of the rescue dog family, too, in fact, part of the whole human dog team just like you are, no matter your station, bank account, or attitude! again, we're in this together, & we're all pink meat & white bone underneath, to quote carl perkins.)
hahahaha! another sermon! w/that & 99 cents, you can get yourself a can of pepsi! :D
finally, this morn i was so inspired reading my world tribune buddhist newspaper, i just now typed from it a long inspirational quote from daisaku ikeda, then backspaced & deleted the whole thing! A LOT of heavy detritus needs removing from the basement right now, so i'll just post here daisaku ikeda quotes instead of retyping... may you find encouragement in even one! :D

aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............

- i'm back on the mountain, breathing an  exhalation of relaxation... what a week! graduation congratulations to james page jr, soon off to college in colorado! so many things happened while i was gone, hard to keep em straight. i don't know when i've ever seen so many cool places on such a short trip w/such a mind full of crap! oh well; long as we're not pushing up daisies, we always can revisit those places, & long as we get to be highly creative & talented & intelligent ( yeah, that might sound stuck-up, but it's TRUE!! - maybe of you, too, eh? :D ), i guess the flipside is mood swings, which i'm learning to deal w/better, thanks to garnering new & improved tools & my husband's help (i believe i help him, too)... tho they still hit, blast it!!... we visited el cariso village near lake elsinore, then one of my favorite spots in one of my favorite towns, the desert hot springs spa hotel, plus DHS's gypsyland & cabot pueblo museum (which was closed, dang it!). under a full moon, we motored up to westerny pioneertown, ca to catch phil & dave alvin's big bill broonzy show at the rustic & happening nightspot pappy & harriet's, & i couldn't believe it: as we drove in, people were streaming out. we'd just missed the whole show!! argh!! anyways, we got to say hi to phil, then walk the cool grounds under beautiful night sky  before hitting the road back to DHS; it was important that we'd shown up, since phil'd been nice enough to put james+1 on the list, & we did, so that's just how it all went down... next day james took us to a terrific spot i'd never been called tio's tacos in riverside, ca, w/delicious food & the most eye-popping collection of vernacular art i've ever seen in one place. i told james, through my depressed fog (which i guess will always hit, long as i'm in this life!), i was amazed cause i've spent decades traveling all over the country to see art like that, & there it was all in one spot, even more than at the primitive & folk art museum in DC. "that's why i brought you here," james said plainly... the food was quite good, too, & the vibe at 1st reminded me of austin, but even austin's got no place w/that volume of bizarre, beautiful, grotesque artwork. we have to go back sometime soon when we're both firing on all cylinders... back at the OC apt, i did all the cleaning i could before needing to get back here to prep to leave again for father's day in kern county tomorrow...
- if you're in the LA area, tomorrow will be a benefit for james's blues express drummer, max bangwell, who is ill but in high spirits, still tripping the lights fantastic, always photographed w/a big smile... the venue changed, so check online for details... speaking of big smiles, above's a pic i took of us at P&H's, using my new fancyshmancy bargain-of-a-phone. my arm is getting to be a seasoned photo feature, i'll tell you!
- happy father's day tomorrow to our dear, sweet, smart, strange, wonderful dad as well as to james,  brother-in-law doug, & all/any of you worthy of the title "father"...oh my gosh!!! a beautiful deer just trod gently by, walking on the side of the hill opposite this window, only about 25 feet away!! so grateful for moments like this!! and now, due to new F-S phone, i can show you a facsimile of what i just saw... :D

true blue! :D

the other day i went to a drunk meeting in bakersfield for the 1st time in about 2 yrs... and i was reminded of all the true-blue friends if have! my gosh, so many people i love who i'd not seen in years were there: people w/no agendas other than to be friendly & supportive... grateful people w/eyes sparkling... no gossiping... no back-biting... just love & happiness! i mean, i know deep-down lots of people have their agendas, & if they've got any worth, they're trying to overcome that kinda of thing. as well, everyone on this earth's got burdens & foibles & pain. but in the meeting? i saw & heard only encouragement, candor, generosity of spirit. yes, i am so lucky to have so many kind, true friends & acquaintances to admire. james has many, too! those ones who would never tell his secrets or mine, who keep our confidences, who would never gossip about him or us, who support both of us & love both of us, those worthy people who love james just for james, not because he is whiteboy james & they can tell everyone they hang out with him.
my true friends love james because james loves me, & they'll love him more as they get to know him better. his true friends love me because i love james, & if they have any character, as they get to know me, they'll appreciate me more because i am a cool human being & you should all know me! :D
my family loves james so much because they know i love him... plus, they can see how special & lovable & brave james is; they are coming to love him more & more just because he is james!... they always show me there's more than enough love to go around, to be ever-more patient, to understand, not be understood: such good role models for me!
anybody else just isn't important, tho bless you, if you're a fake friend to james, me, or us both! we are all humans on our journeys. call it spirits or demons or angels or karma or whatever, i do believe we reap what we sow, but that we can transform our destinies for the better... if you're a back-biter or a hater, you can do an about-face. i don't think anyone with conscience likes living small & mean & crappy, holding grudges, jealousies, judgments, talking smack, etc... facta non verba, people: facta non verba! and, oh yes, carpe diem! :D

"of all the movies that i have seen, this one most completely embodies the romance of going to the movies" (roger ebert)

- finally got the third man in the mail - been waiting to watch it w/james for some time! this definitely is one of my top-10 film faves, tho the sexist tone of the trailer doesn't depict accurately this fine, quirky, intelligent, romantic noir's vibe... the other night i got on a youtube welles kick, starting w/actor robb on trailer park boys, finishing w/auteur george orson, learning the latter improvved the famous "cuckoo clock" speech in TTM... what the heck do the two welles have in common? surely you've noted both writers-actors are/were of large limpid eyes, boyish, round faces, bulky frame, mercurial temperament & alcoholic bent... the brilliant welles, had he noticed it at all, maybe would've found humor or irony in tv-idiot welles' loveable loser-sap.... anyways, i'm likely wrong, & i digress, as usual, but it's fun to make connections between what seems arbitrary, even if connections are cheesy or specious or whatever... it's like mental push-ups. example: banana, shoe - connections: ovaloid form, contain two vowels, function as a cover/protectant for fruit & foot, respectively... you can take it from here...
- finally got some shut-eye around 6 am, then up again at 7, so feeling pretty blissfully hallucinating-kinda wiped out confused-due-to-exhaustion right now... i sort of like this mindframe at times cause in it, it's so easy to feel naturally near-cheech & chong-cool w/whatever happens or doesn't... yes, this past week's been a doozy, but it shook out pretty darned well, i think, even if all's not peaches & roses quite still... events climaxed w/our gang & bugs bunny, pretty great company w/which to celebrate, i think.
- yes, i am happy & grateful & hope i remember from whence my blessings come (not me)...

been down so long, it looks like up to me

that's the title of a novel by richard farina that i'm unloading on ebay... just entered the world of ebay selling, & i can see where it could get addictive! i love inputting information & i type fast & i love details & organizing, all the traits of a seller about to get hooked... who knew my 25-30 yrs of record & book collecting would eventually pay off? i've already given away some stuff, some valuable stuff, too, to people i hope appreciate what they got... anyways, that's not why i gave it to them, but bc i thought they'd like it... the rest of it, well, i guess i thought i'd keep this stuff forever & ever, but tastes change, as well as when a person gets older, sh*t needs to be shucked. i don't need all these things anymore!!
a lot of the beat book titles i have amassed over the years especially are valuable, tho i won't be going on any vacations from my sales... anyways, i've felt that way before, what the title above says,  but i know it ain't true for me today. i've had a good, if confused life. to believe anything different is just useless & pointless & puts me in that hole again where i don't need to be, & you don't need to be, either.
climb out.
you're the only one who can do it, tho i'll lend you a hand, if you ask
or if you look like you're on fire.
remember bukowski's words, at right: "what matters most is how well you walk through the fire."
anybody who's reading this has a good enough life to have access to the internet, so let's be grateful!
and don't be like me & feel guilty for having it good, or get all confused wondering why you get to be fortunate & others in the world suffer so much worse.
just climb out of the hole, if you're in it. you made it this far... what for?
i don't know, but it's not to be miserable...
stop digging.

18 years, 11 months

"what am i? what's left when you drain the pool?"