Sister Rosetta Tharpe - Down By the Riverside

was gonna title this entry "strange things happening every day," then post a video of sister rosetta doing that song, but couldn't find footage of her performing it -- elsewhere on this blog is the iconic film of her doing "let it rain" & again, youtube: what a wonderful resource! it right now features the documentary of SRT that aired on PBS. wow! anyways, strange & wonderful things have been happening, perhaps coincidence or perhaps activated by all the positive energy of the weekend, during which i met so many unconditionally loving, generous-spirited, happy people, my faith in humankind & the universal good was very much strengthened... this weekend, my buddhist hostess, mentor, & friend jackie told me, in so many words, that when a person starts [a positive practice], the universe begins to shift & events can become unsettled, but that the end result will be improvement all-around, even victory in life.
- i have felt uncomfortable w/terms like that, ones suggesting to me battle or competition, but i've been trying them on, & guess what? small miracle after miracle have been happening. i came up to the mountain to continue making room for two and... today, buford, or black dog, whom i've not seen since right before james & i got married, came bounding & slobbering up, wearing a big doggy smile. long-lost buford! there he was! i went to the post office & was told i owed payment for a package. "they do that when they return a stolen wallet," the lady said.
- "the last wallet i had stolen was over a year & a half ago," i said, feeling pleasantly, mildly unsettled, "the day after i got married..."
- i paid, she handed me the package, & an uncanny kind of chill ran through me: i ripped open the envelope. it was my stolen wallet from 2012, containing things i thought i'd never see again: picture of james from our courting months, my sobriety coins, other mementos, my credit card, my old id. coolest of all to find was a receipt from the stateline primm, nv casino, which was the last gambling place james & i stopped after getting married in las vegas.
- at the thrift store, i had bought a pillowcase, sweatshirt for me, & some shorts for james. hmm, thought i, i'm on a roll here. i've never found money in used clothes in my over 2 decades thrift shopping, but wonder if there's any in here? i reached in the cargo pocket of the shorts & out came green cash money.
- whatever's going on, i hope it continues, but if not, that's ok, too. nam-myoho-renge-kyo.

another day, another blahblahblah

thank you to the commenter below who asked about my tina turner song! inspired, today i eked out a recording of the song, then went nuts & recorded a whole bunch, then got out my snare & the guitar & even my old flute! the song requested below (thank you AGAIN!!!) sounds more little richard than tina turner, which is plenty cool by me! i used an old version of audacity and $3 micromophone that has historical memory for james & me. back at the beginning of 2009, i recorded a song idea for him using it while i sat at the window on the 2nd story of the house i lived in with my 1st husband, gazing out on the bright green, gigantic leaves of the catalpa tree there & croaking like a fool. at that time, i'd never even met james! he had sent me a brief email saying that he "dug" my song "the bride of frankenstein"... that was all i needed: i listened to some of his music, got a song idea, & w/just enough voice after laryngitis, recorded it & sent it to him. he told me he thought, upon getting it, "who IS this woman?" cause with my typical combination of bravado, fear, & desire to get things done yesterday, i scatted & sang the whole song into the cheap mike a cappella, which no sane person would do when submitting a song idea to a complete stranger, especially one of musical reputation like whiteboy james... it actually sounds rather cool, listening to it again... examples of such foolhardiness in my life both make me proud & scare me... ((shudder)).. i've dropkicked & stepped on the microphone-headset since then, so today's recordings have a nice loud monitor-y buzz on them, adding to the verisimilitude of the home recording experience (harharhar)... i couldn't figure out why my drum parts kept coming off time over & over ad nauseum... then i realized my old version of audacity was messed up & could no longer properly track more than one track at a time & therefore really no longer is a multitrack recording program at all! but rather than upload the new audacity, i just played the drum part FORWARD, even off the beat forward... which again, no sane person would do! but it was fun... then i assembled all the james songs together & there are TWENTY on this computer! so i imagine next i'll put some up here, but what i really want is to give them to him, since he was my muse & i'd've not written the songs, were it not for him. :) anyways, tomorrow i get my buddhist scroll & celebrate donna's birthday, then sunday i "get" to do my 5th step... prayers to loved ones for happiness, ease, freedom, & a sense of safety. what i want for me, i want for you, & i'm praying, too, for the ones i don't want to pray for cause we're all in this together & statistics show 100% of us are going to wind up the same way, so that makes us all brothers & sisters in this wild ride, running full steam to the end... byebye, family! :D

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my dumb adventure for this evening: found a rather interesting-looking job online & was going to apply, but then had to update my paypal cause that's how they do payroll, & on a whim i got into an email folder about financial & work stuff & saw a query i'd sent asking where i could get the status of my teaching credentials, thinking to myself, oh, i have one more year before i have to renew, but i'll go look, anyways... and i went to the site and saw that my two precious teaching credentials... expire... today....
aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
my teaching career flashed before my eyes. the many many years as student & teacher flashed before my eyes!! noooo!!! i haven't taught in several years by choice, but this early retirement is over! i want to work again!! i must work again!! i miss students & meaningful work!!
heart pounding, i calmly slowed my eyeballs down so i could read & noted that my credentials would not expire til midnight. oh, thank godinheavenjesusbuddhaallahjehovahgreatspirituniverse oh thank you!!
then i went thru the application process, trying to not freak out & read things wrong:  ever had a felony, ever been dismissed for this & that, signed the affidavit swearing allegiance to the constitution of the united states, went to pay, entered credit card info, & it said my card was declined.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
went to bank website & it said i had money, so called dad & asked if i could use his credit card & as he started to recite the numbers, the phone call dropped. FOUR TIMES!!!!
finally got the info from dad, who was by then both a bit perturbed & anxious, entered his card info. it said HIS card was declined.
i thought, wait a minute: mine might be fruity... but DAD'S card would NOT be declined!! so i pushed "accept" & it went through & my credentials were renewed with 90 minutes to spare. it was the stupid payment website! i thought with great sympathy of all the teachers across california, trying to renew their credentials tonight, being told their cards were declined due to the payment website glitch. poor teachers!!
earlier i was talking w/dad, who is an atheist, yet someone i consider to be extremely spiritual, just inherently so... he gave me his theory that there is no time because there is only change & time is but a measure of observed change & then we discussed whether inanimate objects & the universe contain "good" & etc & it probably was the closest to an epistemological conversation dad & i've ever had... but after the timing of this evening's coincidences, i must say, dad, there must be a god!!
and because of that, i remain this evening a credentialed teacher of grades k-12 in the state of california. :)

your love sets my soul on fire / you could be my one desire...

(i wonder if there's a TT workout video?)

james & i were learning an ike & tina song in our duet, a really awesome song... made me pay a lot more attention to miss anna mae bullock. i am very inspired by her: transformed by buddhism; unbeaten by life's struggles; performing just as fiercely & muscularly as ever at age 70 (she's 75 now & i think retired... but still: quite stirring!). i'd have to do a lot of work to get her arm & shoulder musculature, & that smile is million watt while mine is maybe 500, but... a person of quotidian ways such as me still can dream. tina turner is my latest heroine: i aspire to be indefatigable, strengthened rather than destroyed by life's battles, a spiritual warrior & a rocknroll machine at age 70!! (now let's see what happens...)
i just learned that tina turner is 5'4", like i am -- so her legs can't be THAT much longer than mine! ok, after the meeting tonight, i'm gonna lift weights & do about 1000 squats. maybe in middle & old age i'll have courage to wear short sleeves or (gasp) even go sleeveless! or nah, i'll stick w/what i like... but swingy fringe minis? that might feel fun tacky glamorous...
(by the way, my husband james knew ike turner...)
just found this cool graph: "During a time of girl groups, chiffon and bouffants, there were few ladies rocking as hard as Miss Tina Turner or looking as good doing it. High energy performances coupled with powerhouse rock vocals turned everybody on. Short fringe skirts, high heels and long legs became her trademark and her rock n roll sex appeal is still in tact [sic] to this day. Her very public private life was so fascinating and terrible that no one could look away. And no one wanted to, on account of how hot Tina Turner was." (plasticsgirls.com)

How Meditation Can Reshape Our Brains: Sara Lazar at TEDxCambridge 2011

the part about rats & the amygdala really struck me. i also like her non-slick presentation, her nerdy & sincere desire to transmit information for the greater good.

Jonathan Haidt: Religion, evolution, and the ecstasy of self-transcendence

this is beautiful

i'd do well

to always, always, always listen to my mother and father.
i have so much to absorb from them while we all are here.
i must listen hard & then remember.

Buck Owens and Rose Maddox Loose Talk

boy, i miss harmony singing, especially this so-sincere, full-throated close style. someone i know had a nice rose maddox memory, & of course everyone from bakersfield, me included, has got a story about mister owens. i used to work with someone who loved when people talked about her, loved to stir the pot, swelled up bigger & fiercer the more venom she built up, the more people talked about her, the more she gossiped, the more they plotted, the more she schemed and... i've had those feelings... who hasn't? but dang, it all just makes a person sick, i think.
here are some great quotes; i especially like the ones from e. roosevelt, m. curie, & mother teresa...this terrific song says a bunch.

you'll never never know...

man, one great thing about the ups & downs is the creative bursts! earlier today i wrote a sadsack tune w/a strong bridge, but i'll never perform it cause i never perform or even pitch the bummer tunes; they just stay in their sad little notebooks, poor babies, nursing one another, i spose. writing songs expressing negatives can be kinda like puking, maybe, providing a good purge, allowing you to flush & move on, feeling better already. (wow - what a gross metaphor!)
i took an evening trip & had a wonderful time driving w/o any dehumanizing-horror traffic. (will never be a city person in that regard, accepting carmaggedon as part of life, which it is for the life-long so-cal city dweller.) i explored roads & saw gold & purple wildflowers, then had a delicious pupusa (in memory of uncle henry) & a pineapple-spinach drink w/crushed ice, then attended one of those weird, sparsely-attended, low-bottom kinda meetings that yet always yield/s gems, if one just has patience... a slight, grizzled old man, arms & legs folded & teeth clacking, yes, seeming kinda daft at first, opened his mouth & revealed that good old-time wisdom & gruff humor & heart i so, so love in the program... his joke:
Q: how can you tell if an alcoholic's hit bottom?
A: he stops digging.
something upon which certainly to cogitate! or not.
after that, i had a long good talk w/my sister & realized she's going to be such a splendid therapist, w/her outstanding combination of brains, compassion, humor, & patience... then james & i had a long good talk about all kinds of things, including childhood stories & realizations and... in a flash, thinking about it all, having not just more compassion & sympathy, even empathy, but epiphany  & hope, out poured the most bitchin' kinda song with the above title! if tina turner still puts out albums, i'm gonna submit it to her, & i mean it!!!
i hope i can sleep, with that song in my head... can't wait to record it, but right now, unfortunately, it's too late... soon!
there's nothing like the feeling of knowing you've birthed something really, really good w/your own brain  & hands. new babies all the time... all unique, some disappointing, some good, some fantastic, but all beloved buttercups! insert quotes about the exquisite creative process, the muses, inspiration, transcendence, being a vessel of the universe, dumb happy luck, gratitude, etc... good night to you.

Kiss me deadly / Polibek smrti (Robert Aldrich, 1955) HD (English/Czech ...

it's movie time again. i believe movies helped keep me alive til i started drinking. everything i did til i started drinking reeked of "leave me alone." i was a social inept, & legally blind w/o glasses, to boot. still am pretty backward socially, even after long-ago sobering up. my 1st husband bought me eye surgery in a generous act not-asked-for, so i can see now. i must thank him for that kind gesture cause being able to see really changed my life for the better.
this movie i feature bc not only is it badass & swell & one of the great b-noirs, but ralph meeker is one fine man... that i'd ignore his selfish & mean personality & fixate on his tough boyish manly looks troubles me, but there it is. were young ralph meeker or johnny weismuller alive today, & were i not married, i'd be in hollywood a-looking.
this reminds me of how much i loved the blasters' song "waiting for me" when i was a teenaged girl; desiring the strapping cocky wild-eyed looker who'll surely break your heart each time & you deserve it unfortunately has long been part of my understanding of "love"... all this talk of bad guys & bad habits reminds me that when i fell into a certain circle years back, apparently there were some grumblings i was a cop. me! the biggest chicken in the world! not to mention someone more interested in stopping crime before it starts, w/education & positive attention; not to mention someone w/a past herself... i've been thinking about this today, how my only understanding of the underworld always will be from movies, & i intend to keep it that way. i used to drink, steal, use drugs... but i've long been a citizen, an honorable one, by the way, least nowadays. to use the parlance of '40s noir, i've been a tomato, a dame, a looker, & yes, a boob, sap, & mark, too... but never will i be a con, crumb, rat, snitch, or pigeon. as james would say, "know that."
i don't know to whom exactly i'm writing, but i do know that while i'm still a trembling emotional wreck at times, i'm honest now & will stay that way. in fact, as i get older & stop caring what the world thinks of me but more what i think of the world, i'm only gonna get honester & braver.
hope you love the movie; look closely at the actress in the opening scene & recognize one of the world's greatest comediennes when she was but a young beauty queen neophyte trying to break out in lotusland...

one bookworm, one tough guy, two nerds who love monsters & music: what does it take to stay married?

this is an interesting article that might explain it a little...
- i've been with fellows before & he with females where... it just didn't work & you could see it by a quick glance at a pic. there was no wow, no excitement, no connection obvious -- even in photograph! in worse cases, we were w/humans that not only didn't complement us, they made us look flat-out ugly; people view such pix & feel uncomfortable! you look & wonder: what are they THINKING?
- james makes me look better & i make him look better; it's always been that way. this is one of my favorite pics of us, from the "before" days when things were relatively simple, which means, for us, full of strife & chaos but we were in it TOGETHER -- we lived on that pink cloud that exists at the early stages of all relationships, the one in which you don't really know the person yet & idealize him/her... through it all, we've had chemistry -- some wonderful alloys, some explosions, always mixing, combining, interacting, creating.
the real work, the part that separates men/women from boys/girls, is not giving up once that pink cloud floats away or dissipates... for instance, my folks have been married 47+ years. they are my ultimate role model of sticking with it. divorce has NEVER been an option for them -- not due to religious or cultural mores, but because they understand that diamonds form under intense pressure; that from the sand irritating the oyster's maw comes the pearl; that forests are destroyed by fire to promote new growth; & so on & so on. not to mention that they totally are devoted to one another & realize their talents as complementary, that together they create a whole much stronger, wiser, & fuller than they do individually. even when they sometimes hate each other, which they've admitted, they always have loved each other & always will. in this life, they will never abandon one another; that i know.
when couples reach that realization, i believe nothing can tear them asunder & nothing will cause them to end it unless there has been a total mistake & one or both of them all along have been seriously flawed, unable to overcome what the big book calls "grave emotional & mental disorders"... we still have hope about this experiment, although to stay married 47 years would be quite a feat since by then we'd each be past 90 years old... who knows? i've lived clean for nearly 20 yrs & james has mutant genes. maybe we can last. maybe we can endure.

f word

been really, really, really sick this weekend! couldn't-get-out-of-bed sick... missed-loads-of-important-emails sick... cried-eyes-out-for-days, wanting-to-drink-&-die sick. spoke to mom & dad on the phone & they consoled me, but i consoled them back, reminding them i'm not usually sick like that anymore, like when i was in bakersfield. in my hometown, with its death-cloud air, i was on otc sinus-allergy meds at all times & still was knocked out in bed at least twice a week! don't miss that! yes, i've been sick & it's been a nightmare but it's an anomalous condition for me now, so thank you, great spirit!
feeling a bit better, i'm able to think more clearly & recall this: "pain is inevitable. suffering is optional." ...and make a cartoon video promo for james -- it's all done except for his voice parts, which i hope he'll do. it was so fun to draw the scenes for that, then record the voices & add sound effects...
here's a poem for you. signing off now; over & out.
mind as placid as overcooked noodle
mind as confused as cat in mouth of coyote
mind as fevered as furnace of ants
mind as convoluted as gordian knot
mind as happy as baby with blanket
mind as predictable as tsunami
mind don't mind mind mind

The Hidden (1987)

hope you like this one... golly gee whiz, youtube is so great!

if you're in so-cal looking for stuff to do, there's a clean up at the santa ana river trail, talbert at the trail in huntington beach, tomorrow a.m. 8:30. since tomorrow's earth day, certainly there are many worthy activities a person could pitch in on... there's also another drunk convention around here as well as rockabilly sat & sun at the OC marketplace (fairgrounds)... i'm thinking to go out to that to see my former bandleader, karling, who has a new beau & a new monstery band. that's one thing we had in common when i played for her -- love of monsters: she, vampires; me, frankenstein.

even tho i'm plagued w/sinus & allergy problems these last few days, we are having a nice evening around here & actually a nice week. one thing that's typical around here is, there is no typical. this pic is from this eve; i'd just come in from a run in attempt to shake away my headache & james was mid-art project. lately he's been experimenting w/different art media; it's neat to be around while he realizes this nascent talent.

 for some reason, james jr wouldn't get in the picture with us, tho he was gracious enough to take it. he bowed

off when his dad offered to make him his own face mask. "i treasure my beard far too much," said the young man.

may your weekend be fulfilling & creative & healthy.

crap! crap! crap! crap! crap!

i am mid-practice & was having a good ol time cooking along with james's CD and loaded the 2nd one and it might be my stupid laptop or maybe it's the stupid CD, but it won't play!! argh!! i hate musicus interruptus!! arrrrrgggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!  now have to resort to sheet music so i can keep playing & not get disgusted with myself if i don't have the right improv or melodic ideas -- like slipping from the fast to slow lane, kinda. lately when i play, i get disappointed in myself... am the last two wks in a dry period of songwriting, but i know the rain'll come again; it always does... grateful i have some of my favorite music books here like clifton chenier, boogie woogie hanon, professor longhair, clementi, chopin.... will just have to practice james's band's stuff later. the important thing is to keep playing, so play, i shall!
i don't know why i blogged this, but as mehitabel would say, wot the hell, wot the hell.
may you have a good book, good food, good exercise, good music, good company, good place to rest.

blarhp

we came for a quick trip to the folks' house for easter & have been in food comas all day... recently saw the documentary "food matters," recommended by cody b, so i know what i put in my mouth affects my health in all ways, but it's at this point still too easy to succumb to the lure of good food, especially when cooked by mama... james is still passed out on what my sister calls something like the mari-metha-coca-amphe-crackamine bed (it has amazing sleep-inducing powers) here at mom & dad's, so i'm hoping to be able to revive him soon so we can get to the mountain house where we can pour ourselves into THAT bed & pass out in front of the mountain by sunset... i spent all weekend prior to this at the drunk convention in OC & got to see parts of movies like "flight," "story of bill w," & "arthur" while munching popcorn & as well as attend  many swell marathon & other meetings & move amidst the throngs & crushes of jolly merry people i don't know but yet know, feeling like a safe & happy ghost... i've never gone to an event of such size solo, where i didn't really know anybody, & i liked the extra-anonymity. i could go wherever i wanted, whenever i wanted. angie says it was the same when she took the girls to the anime expo. it was quite pleasing to be alone in that crowd, not feeling lonely at all.. my favorite part of these kinds of conventions is the "sobriety countdown" & easter morn i found myself at the countdown part of the concluding ceremony of the convention, blubbering w/gratitude, enjoying a cathartic cry; you could just feel all the souls in the  auditorium, collectively happy, having escaped disaster together, the generous joyful energy permeating & pervading... speaking of collective happiness, here's a recent pic of me with my dear friend donna & her sis marcie -- they  surprised me by showing up at harvelle's, & i was overjoyed! we all look lovely, i think, as truly happy people do. at the convention, i ran into a friend i've not seen for a decade; again, i jumped for joy! so amazing & wonderful he's found sobriety! he took, then texted my picture to his husband; this couple were always teasing, catty, devastatingly funny, & also loyal & very loving; hubby texted back, "tell her i hate her! the rest of us get old & she stays the same!" nothing is more beautiful than the generosity of spirit that radiates from real happiness, i think, the deep happiness that comes from being in the presence of true loved ones, those one can honestly trust & by which be trusted. there is a shared appreciation, support, loyalty, affection. i treasure every single one of these folks & look forward to forging many, many more such connections as i get older & wiser. i also anticipate relationships i now have to deepen as my spirit continues to change; i want to love, & i want to be loved. i want to be a better human being.
so grateful to have the love i have in my life.
happy spring, easter, time of rebirth, renaissance, positive change.

i'm thinkin'

yesterday i spent a lot of time watching videos of animals. the evening was siphoned away! no meeting, no exercise, no reading... just lots of kittens playing with baby monkeys; colts playing with exercise ball; and my favorites: the dog videos -- lovely, warm-eyed, happily-panting retrievers playing music & posing in prayer & putting away their own bowls, waiting patiently, so eager to please, so beautiful & intelligent.  then i decided to make a few videos for james when he came home. he gets a kick out of them. anyways, today i'm supposed to run many errands but am again distracted by the infernalnet.  i added a few of the newer videos to james's youtube channel, one featuring one of my characters. i have a lot of characters, too, but james is really the only one who knows about them cause, well, he's whiteboy james w/his roaring past & 70 mm personality & i am a polite sometimes-educator, so no one really knows or cares i'm many times just a few steps from the bat factory myself & that's just fine with me...  it's funny how much james as batman looks like the old mad magazine batman. it's funny how easily i can recall & feel being drunk, after nearly 19 years without. it's funny i get to be the organized & nice one while i don't have both my oars in the water a lot of the time... maybe that's just humankindness, our infernal blessed state. don't matter what you think of me, but what i think of you. that's what francis of assisi said, anyways. if that weren't plenty non-sequitors for you, i got more.
here's the channel: whiteboy james's youtube channel NOW WITH NEW CONTENT!
this post sounds really disjointed & erratic, maybe, but i think i'm just hungry. here's wishing us on this day a good place to eat & rest & make waste, but not haste, & of course i mean waste only in the bodily-functionable sense.... (sing to tune of hank ballard): it's peanut-butter tiiiiime / peanut-butter eating tiiiiiiiime....

it says here...

"the average unmarried female 
Basically insecure 
Due to some long frustration may react 
With psychosomatic symptoms 
Difficult to endure 
Affecting the upper resperatory tract." (frank loesser, guys & dolls)
wow - while looking up  those lyrics, which apply, too, to the female/male of any marital status whose "long frustration" is the effort of living in one's own brain, i found this website: www.rhymebrain.com 
james & i have respective conditions that are at times -- gee: how to put it? -- a bit troubling, an inconvenience, a pain, yes; horrible, tragic, horrifying, perhaps; a test of one's mettle, surely; our crosses to bear, i could describe them, what w/easter upcoming (gee, that sounded crass, maybe); but why write a book about it all now?... the upswing is lots of creativity, so there's always two sides to the coin.
how many more cliches can i pack in these paragraphs?
just an hour ago i was braced very poorly against the tsunami of emotion that hits me like it's my last breath on earth, feeling these churning, roiling waves of despair, futility, hopelessness, helplessness, the same waves that have hit me since i was a child, when james suddenly said, you could be happy about this.
why? i asked.

well at least i'm happy, he says, when people think i'm pretending to have my condition, when they say i'm faking it. i stopped sniffling and listened. "that means they think i'm better than i really am. they think i'm more ok than i am. so maybe i am more ok than i think i am.
"think about it that way," he said.
i heard a touching doggerel at a meeting monday & as i jogged the other night, it served as a quite-nice mantra:
"two inmates looked out from the prison window bars
one looked down & saw mud,
the other up & saw stars." all this stuff, once cynicism & arrogance have been mowed aside by Life, help to retrain the blackened mind... let's keep them coming.

happy as a clam & full bulla

been playing piano all day. james asked me to practice his repertoire, so i'm finally up to bat, maybe, or at least in the box. yes, i've heard the songs so many, many times, my brain's filled w/them; i got the changes for the most part tho did need to review a few augmentations & not-as-standard turnarounds & will continue to practice cause it's a whole load of fun!... then he'll give a listen & suggest what kinds of parts he'd rather hear than others, like have me go here instead of there & so on... i'm so happy getting to pull out the piano licks i've heard over the many yrs, trying to make them fit w/the recordings. scott's guitar parts and james's harmonica & vocals already are in place, so i just gotta find my space & rather than clutter things up, augment what's already there. i feel pleased that the piano will add even more oomph! ... in practicing today, i'm glad that for decades my american music diet has been pretty clean. it's not fogged & filtered & f***ed up by sounds that came much later, sounds, i believe,  messed up melodically by psychedelics. that's long been my opinion -- around the time the beatles debuted,  melodies changed & got uglier as psychedelics hit the streets in a major way... i have a theory about the bakersfield sound, too: the original electrified "country" music of the late '50s to mid-60s was pricklier & faster than that coming out of nashville bc a lot of bakersfield honky-tonkers were not just working hard in the fields  & living in the hellish summer heat, which'd drive most anyone kinda nuts, but were on bop pills; the sound now coming from bakersfield is still hard-edged, tho now not honky-tonk but ugly rock & country-rock, to my ears, & similarly influenced by a population still suffering & sweltering as well as doing a lot of speed... and of course the melodies got uglier & less melodious & i blame hard drugs, yes i do.

anyways, these are just some of my theories. with that and $3, you can get a six-inch sub from subway.

here's the origin of the title of this post. don't you just love idioms? http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/as-happy-as-a-clam.html

well, off to the gym for me... may you be clam-happy but not crappy or even clammy...

reMARkable

 angie posted this delightful video on our facebook page & entitled it "james & jenny page." what a dream it would be to have this kind of fun in our old age! my sister is always kind & thoughtful... if this doesn't warm your heart, you have no pulse, i think, or maybe are an a**hole, possibly, but i'll bet not...

last week when i went w/dear donna to a pow-wow over at the beautiful claremont colleges, a wildly laughing bunch of ragamuffins ran in & provided such a happy moment as we cooled our heels in a kiva. one  child in particular stood out; she insisted that we take from her handfuls of cucumber seeds, & then:
Can I take your picture? I asked. Yes! she yelled, and jumped on the table. I am the leader of all the explorers! she announced, then jumped down, raised her little stick sword and, yelling as if going into battle, led all the children out into the garden.
i recounted this to mom & dad & they were so tickled, & then dad told a great story about a smart, sassy little kid he spoke w/when he & mama were volunteering recently, then i told them about a wonderful documentary james showed me, http://www.hbo.com/documentaries/i-can-be-president-a-kids-eye-view#/ & then we remembered art linkletter & i'm so grateful to've grown into a person who so loves so much about life's everyday wonders, like kids & animals, skies & mountains, the outdoors, flowers, digging in the yard, driving on open roads, etc... so glad to no longer be the smarmy know-it-all i was once, but i guess she got me to here, so thanks, younger jenny. you can rest now. no one hates you anymore. you did the best you could w/the uncomfortable combination you then had of excessive brain power, fear, arrogance, & considerable lack of experience & social skills. life is better now, even w/its hard times, so thanks for keeping the container alive in the face of all your mistakes & sufferings.

how shall we live today? change is the only constant.

saw a very compassionate & knowledgable person today who gave me good, kindly advice as well as a questionnaire to fill out (i already did it cause i am kind of ocd) & then gifted me with a book this elderly man had written. i read a few pages and realized how vastly a person can change, not just in circumstance, but in character, when launched into & making true commitment to sobriety, be it emotional or from a physical addiction or addictive process... wow! this fellow had quite a hard, sad, even disturbing growing-up & adulthood, yet today sat there & gave me wise, kindly, polite, attentive witness during our session. he seems to have been transformed from his old ways of pain & suffering & was able to devote full attention to the moment, undistracted by any fear of the future or regret of the past...
i hope i can continue to grow up. the goal is to stay child-like, but be rid of childishness.
i know i am not a zen master nor ever will be a great spiritual leader -- not that i wish to be such. i do much better being part of a machine, particularly a well-oiled, well-functioning one. for instance, i loved being in the teachers' union, but resisted being groomed to "move up." i love being in meetings & soaking it up; i don't have to be in charge, nor should i try. 12 steppers are supposed to be democratic (not in the political sense, tho, y'know, since there are no affiliations of such in true 12 step recovery), & anyone who tries to take over or pontificate is violating that generous tradition. i love fronting a band, but i've also loved being part of the engine, supporting the front person. i know that will be my future as my physical body ages & my piano chops improve; it's quite an appealing dream...
 i just want to grow. as mud, who died w/52 yrs' sobriety in bakersfield/oildale, used to say, "keep me green so i may grow."
another: "i gotta grow or i gotta go."
man, i know "all that stuff" is just an arm's length away... i do NOT wanna go!
our neighbors suffered a terrible tragedy the other night, likely due at least indirectly to drugs/alcohol. i hate to say had i lived 80-90 yrs ago, i might've been a prohibitionist. i know i'm not supposed to vilify the institution of intoxication, but i can't seem to help it, more & more: too many of us humans, just wanting relief from pain, to be part of the herd, or to have fun, step, then stumble over the invisible line & ruin not just our own lives, but the lives of all who love us. yes, so much what-i-see-to-be unnecessary evil appears to stem from the seemingly basic desire to transcend & feel thrill... it's a sacred instinct, is what i think, that gets violated by the lure of booze, dope, bad habit, & other external, false gods... i am not giving up. i know i have that god-feeling within, w/o trying to induce it via poisons, be they substances or ideas from seemingly-innocuous to putrid & vile...
given that change is the only constant, that insanity is doing the same thing & expecting different results, that we only can control what lies within our own hula hoops, how shall we live today? shakyamuni buddha said/wrote we are here to live with ease & comfort; i like the idea, but all know also that "into each life, some rain must fall" etc. etc.
don't you wanna live, not merely exist? i do.
either way, it all won't last long....