dad's book!!! ... and practicing patience & powerlessness

amazing & wonderful children (many of my faves here)

dad's book finally got published!!!! here is the link: race, sports, and black unity ... yay, dad!!!!!!!
here is a wonderful pic mama took last monday of an act from our end of year elective show. we had dancing, singing, music-playing, puppets, art work, acrobatics, comedy. mama & madeline made the drive up the hill to catch the 1st show; the 2nd was postponed when killer bees decided to swarm near the art room where the kids were performing. by wednesday, the swarm had

james's early music biz years were with the chad watson band,
which also featured dale watson (no relation)

mister handsome and i

moved so  we had the 2nd show, but i was so sick i really didn't know what was up. i believe the 1st show went better tho at the 2nd, my dear little samuel (yellow sweatshirt) was able to play his horn on "saints go marching in" & "going to mardi gras."... then after end of school, last weekend's blues express show & helping corey at school, things turned weird. all was well, happy happy, but around here, happy can turn to waaaaaay too happy which can lead to myriad storming emotional states, so one night last week found me driving & searching, then returning home to experience total powerlessness -- to practice the world being beyond my control. in other words, to be realistic. the situation righted itself, so we went to bakersfield as planned, where it was blazing hot but we were with loving mom & dad & got great meals & i had nice trots in the heat with penny the dog. james had 2 doc appts which we (miraculously) made. at one i received emphatic lecture to take care of urgent james bidness & at 2nd james had allergic reaction & was laid up & monitored for several hours while  i practiced patience & powerlessness some more. as a result, we ended up staying with the gias one more night, which was fortunate; it's a safe & pleasant place to be, &, as dad said, "it's good sometimes to come home to the roost."
last night we had dinner out then drove to maui sugar saloon in reseda to meet chad watson, who helped bring james into the business. chad's a hugely tall, friendly, winning, generous performer; accompanying him was harry orlov & house drummer i did not know. along the way i practiced patience & powerlessness again as we thought james was having a relapse of allergic reaction, but the eve ended up just fine tho challenging to endure when (in my rarefied american-music snob opinion) much of the music just flat sucked (tho not that of chad, james, & harry). as james said, "open mics are tough, but they pay the bills." chad, grinning gently, pleasantly, did a bada** bass solo (!!) on "cowcow boogie," demonstrating a skill level of different realm than most musicians we know. james's shout-singing & showmanship got a big reaction from the audience in his 3 short songs. harry orlov, whom i know primarily from the elvis shows, then called me up sing. surprised,  i complied with "mean mean man," & it was another experience under the belt, not my best singing (hard to perform without piano barrier), not my worst, just another moment.
time for a nap before school board meeting in support of corey's principal-ship.

the next indicated step

peewee looking like he just did something to penny

feeling tired & grateful. school is out. my dear friend will be our principal. friday we worked, did new teacher interviews, then headed down the grapevine where i was introduced to pieology, a place where you can get a brick-oven baked pie that though small has all the toppings you want: delicious! today i helped her some more, my sharp, generous, wild friend, "a force of nature," dad calls her, & her lovely little funny daughter.  our next year at school looks so bright; i hope i can rise to the challenge because i always have been a talented teacher (it being genetic, i think), but now i will need to attempt Mama and Corey (my friend) level: master teacher. she gifted me today with all kinds of materials for next year, dashing off all kinds of brilliant ideas, causing me to realize my increased responsibility to do this job to my best. i hope i will be worthy because if i am, i will get to be part of achieving great things next year at school.

i won first place in my age group recently at a run along bakersfield's
kern river on the bike path that i still so miss. the event was a fundraiser for
HALT animal rescue, which reminds me: you should watch the
documentary "Life in the Doghouse" on Netflix.

last night i played with james & the band in north long beach. i realized on the drive i haven't been South since our new orleans trip two months ago, & that was just to drop the car at LAX! fun riding with james there & back. he was so entertaining, sweet, warm, silly, my dear husband. we had a fun show though the PA blew out my right ear by end of set two. i also should've brought a snack like steve kida always does; all were exhausted except steve by end of night. yesterday was a books day, too: got five or 6 in the early afternoon when james & i hit our local thrift store, where we got to see our favorite white-haired little southern lady, then before the gig i walked down the street in the breezy early eve to see what was in the $1 racks outside
the used bookstore, returning to the club loaded up with great titles for friends, loved ones, meself.
i have no active addictions anymore, so buying too many books or scavenging for neat items for home, others, or my brain: it's a worthwhile obsession that i'm blessed to have the time & ability to pursue.
...
...i was in a bad mind-space earlier, likely due to fatigue (3 am is waaaaaaay too late for me at this stage of my life), & for the first time in many years i used earbuds while exercising, walking penny to lake of the woods & back on evening trails while listening to a speaker meeting recording. the speaker described being yucky, selfish, shameful, arrogant & baffled before being awakened to the presence of god, spirit, higher power. i especially enjoyed how he talked about his sponsor & his wife. his ultimate message was one i needed to hear: i should be ever-grateful for the life i get to lead & remain in action by asking all the time, what is my next step to be?
the lovely walk & the speaker's words got me right-sized again. it's a wonderful life i get to have. good evening to anybody reading this.

blablablablablablablabla

-it snowed this morning. on may 22. freaky!
-school was not cancelled because it was a "warm" snow, so the roads weren't at all icy.
-no climate change, huh? dump can suck an egg. i can't wait til he is imprisoned!!!!
-on mother's day while grocery shopping with mom and dad for their big bash (mama's day + dad's birthday), i got some discount foccaccia breads, so now i'm baking one topped with pasta sauce, green bell peppers, mushrooms, garlic salt, basil, & some canned roast "beast," as my paternal aunts have called it. the animal flesh came from a yard sale last weekend that turned out to be an awesome thing: out off darling road, driving in past stables with quarter horses, "million dollar horses," said james, to a ranch property plateau featuring a partially-built, 10,00 square foot buried house resembling an earth ship but made of concrete. also at this sale were trailer after shipping container after trailer after shipping container of machining tools; bumper-car-looking vehicles that likely were vintage golf carts; classic vehicles from model A to lincoln continental; a silver airstream trailer; all kinds of heavy machinery from cement truck to excavator to bull dozer; industrial fans; boxes of canned butter (i took home three because the cans were beautiful); scores of office chairs; rebar; camp fridges; more vehicles; tools of all kinds; &, inside the uncompleted house, cool as a cave, table after table of endless items; the list went on & on & on & on. this was the estate of a man who passed a few years ago; his son-in-law said that building this gigantic house, his life dream, likely had shortened his life; he worked endlessly on the project, year after year, obsessively. i thought, predictably, of quixote.
- james shared friendly chatter with the young man, who has a stray cats tribute band back home in indiana & was fascinated by james's talk of a working musician's experiences. james brought home, among other things, a high school-style locker, diamond-head tools, & a full box of canned food, the good kind from cost-co. i got bird houses, another bird fountain, some little bakelite-looking fixtures for the trailer, & other stuff...

here are some pix from the most recent, "electrifying" bakersfield show with whiteboy james & the blues express. i met maureen & phil c, independently, in 1995, the year my life had to change, & was so very delighted to see both as well as a few others i've not seen in years! i hope you can see the delight on everyone's faces. what a great time that evening was! if only my health would have stayed with me... i've just been off & on sick before & since.
- just got home from the meditation meeting & am filled up with this fortunate feeling of being alive, loving others, being loved, & having only golden problems anymore.
-think i have adenoiditis, but hope it's only sinusitis, which is familiar. this mercurial weather is dramatic & beautiful, but NOT good when one's head is a barometer!
- well, the timer just went off, so once james is back from walking the penny, time for pizza.

coco montoya

the pages, may 2019

last night i got off my deathbed to get to play with james & band, opening for coco montoya, who is a gentlemanly blues-rocker whom james of course has known for years. the venue was world records downtown bakersfield; james was ultra-triple-level raunchy & funny; the audience roared with shock & laughter & concluded his set with standing ovation. mom & dad were highly complimentary of james & the band, & a bunch of my friends of bill i've not seen in years were there! afterward, we drove the country route, stopping at sonic so we could sit in the car in the nighttime together & enjoy the evening a little longer... today we're waiting to sell some stuff, & i need to pull weeds. so glad allergy near-death seems to be abating... i have over 400 pix in my phone, & since i don't think i'll be uploading them anytime soon, nor making any photo albums, here are some from last night. this is a wonderful life.

antknee, me, blake, james in background, steve off camera

i like this pic of coco, which resembles manuel

instead of loading out, james dances out

maureen and i!

eric robert, or maybe fox mulder, pro keyboardist

eating greasy food at sonic drive-in

a lovely evening

Bed Dos Post

My trend seems to be to post not much, and when I do, post from bed. I am sick. James is sick. Gorgeous weather, tho. Earlier a tiny, tawny bunny hopped out into the middle of the back yard & munched on grass as I rested here on the bed w James and animals, looking out on the greatest view in the world, sez Mama, that is, this mountain of forest that stretches beyond the yard. So lovely. Been doing little, plowing thru New Yorkers, stopping when headaches overwhelm. One long article was about the difficulty of getting off psych meds, how they're overprescribed & kicking them is a whole new hell. Only time I faced that was when I left my 1st marriage, had a 2 yr nervous breakdown, then was misdiagnosed & put on 2 inappropriate meds when the real problem was

a yucky relationship I was ruined enough to have been in. Reading the article made me think I should taper off my current pill, a low dose appropriately prescribed one, but in my bones I know I should not since I've had depression/anxiety since age 8 & reading an article will not make that disappear. For instance, last night I received a pic of my former dog son, GusGus, who in canine years is now 91, & found out he is now deaf and blind, & the sight of that precious dear in old age threw me into a maelstrom of grief. Life, life, life is flying by. Oh woe is me. (My balloon of suffering, to cite Frankl, is indeed small.)  Later, I wondered if that had been a "normal" reaction to a photo of a former pet... Could've been caused in part by being sick, so today I did not teach & got little done but cleaned house went to store just had fun reading a fashion mag been getting free & now we're eating delicious paletas, Mayan chocolate flavor, as the sun lowers & the mountains cool. (And now, just like that, James is again snoring oh so softly beside me.) My primary hope  right now is that I can muster strength to walk little Penny, who is nowhere as handsome/beautiful as GusGus, but is quite adorable, our funny dear girl, "unusually attached to her people," says Dad, & very deserving of some exercise.

We went to Baton Rouge & New Orleans recently, HAD A GREAT TIME. (oops; god of hyperbole  hit the cap button there.) Tapping finger tired, so  I will post phone pix &  more later.
Ps, may Sunday bring us a '63 Lil Loafer... We'll see.

Bed Post

arrrrrrrggggggggggghhh!!!

I am posting from bed using speech to text. I will talk slowly and clearly to avoid embarrassing, even sometimes treacherous misspellings that occur when I talk too quickly. (A recent one I sent without checking said I'd be running with my nipples dragging me, not running with my puppy dragging me & in WHAT POSSIBLE PHONETIC UNIVERSE COULD THAT HAVE OCCURRED EXCEPT ONE GOVERNED BY THE HILARIOUS GOD OF HUMILIATION???) Can't do much about usage and grammar errors that occur, such as in the last sentence when speech to text believed to to have one o, not two. Just now when I said one o, and it just did it again, speech to text enter the numeral 100. It doesn't understand context, such as the differences between forms of there, in that way being like many of my dear little students. Lately speech-to-text seems to be less accurate, and maybe that's because its algorithm actually has worsened more as ensuing millions of people with different accents use it and confuse it. I dunno. Parentheses had to type that one. Close parentheses. Haha
Last night I was thinking about my husband and did something I haven't done in a long while which was write some songs. The trick is 2 just let them roll out, see what happens . One came out pretty funny and cool. I wonder if I'll ever be able to record it or play it with others. I love teaching, but I miss playing music.
Right now doggy's laying on my sore hip stretching it out, my canine chiropractic traction device. We are supposed to run at the park. Zzzzzzzz.
Here's a picture Corey sent from two weeks ago when I had to carry most of the show because James was egregiously late. You can see the stress on my face, but in the end I remembered, although grimly, that I can be a band leader when needed. I wish I'd known he wouldn't be there so that I could have practiced and also that we could have had a sound system for the first 1.5 sets when Anthony was late arriving as well. Oh well. It is what it is. Corey told me she had to leave shortly after taking this pic, but reality was she was stressed out someone was going to get mad or say something to me and so bailed out. "I told Christy I gotta go or I'm going to have to punch somebody in the face if they say something mean to Jenny," she told me. She is a great friend. And apparently when she taught off the hill, a barroom brawler. Yet another thing she and James have in common.
Spring is in the air and my students are feeling  it. The bed is soft and warm, the light soft and golden through the curtains, but it's time to get up and start another day.

"soul and swagger: the complete '5' royales, 1951-1967"

gray haired me with the prettiest box set ever

i got this in the mail this afternoon & am so excited, i only can read it a little at a time -- like the first blooms of love: too much just kills you, too much is overwhelming!!! it is a beautiful, beautiful hard-bound, full-color, 109-page book that also contains all session personnel/details & record labels for ALL the 5Rs' 45 releases & their 4 LP covers... plus FIVE CDs!!!!
it was hard to meditate at the meeting. i just kept thinking about the gorgeous, tough, funny, brilliant music of lowman pauling, the genius of the "5" royales. i hope we get to go out to north carolina to see the dedication to be made there in upcoming months of LP's home, where the band used to rehearse... well, time to do some exercises before putting the 1st disc on... or i might wait til tomorrow & just read the book tonight. the music can be too stirring! i need to sleep to get to school bright & shiny tomorry.

blablablablablablablablabla

just took the most beautiful hike up to 5944 ft., a path i've never explored bc i thought it too remote, but it was not at all. at that elevation, there was snow & an expansive view of the canyon that contains our town. the ground also was muddy & the sun was lowering. the path had crested & i could see ahead was going to descend for a while before heading back up to a summit that was somewhere out of sight. it was time to head back, so sled dog & i slid all the way back down along switchbacks & slopes.
another gem discovered! so nice to walk out the front door, trek a mile, & find a new place to labor up into the big trees!
other than that, been fighting a sinus infection all week, but nothing like what james, then my friend corey got. what each of them went through was super-frightening!!! so grateful both are back on the path to wellness... so grateful for james's sister for having been there to help when he was struck suddenly very ill in so-cal...
in a different vein, just discovered you can slow the speed of youtube videos, so i've been practicing amos's boogie by amos milburn, learning a new left hand boogie pattern using the gene taylor method: practice the left hand while reading, while eating, while talking on the phone... it's very effective, as you'd guess, since gene taylor's the best boogie-woogie piano player of this age!
it's the weekend, but i gotta do saturday school tomorrow. i prefer never to do extra duties unless it's my idea but was kind a put in a can't-say-no-or-look-like-jerk spot. sister angie (who came up here & got her 1st degree black belt tuesday!! she is a bada*s!!!) sent me some art lesson plans, so i think the kids will be happy tomorrow with what we do. thank you, angie!!!
today a kid was careless & knocked me hard onto the classroom floor when she shoved the legs of her chair out as i walked by. her little eyes bugged & she clasped her mouth & the class gave a collective shudder as i slammed into the ground: and i couldn't get up, having landed full-weight on my kneecaps!!
sh*t!! thought i, i just got over the hip injury!! it was one of those hurts that knock the breath out of you tho it was no place near my breathing organs, so i crouched there til i could get up without crying or cussing... my student's lesson was to be more careful; mine was to be more cautious when near a hyper child, or when around children in general. as i hiked & sometimes broke into a jog & felt stabs in my knees, i thought of all the teachers i've known who've been injured over the years just being around kids...
well, it's foggy out & i hope i can go run behind the high school tomorrow... and maybe james will go, too. that is another really beautiful trail that is really close by! can't wait to get to wind wolves, too: that nature preserve, located just below us in the southern san joaquin valley off the 166 headed for taft, is supposed to be quite gorgeous!!
time for some peanut butter dinner. my favorite food! so happy that nuts, tho fat bombs, are nutritious. remember the words of hippocrates: "let food be thy medicine & medicine be they food."

snowbound!

haven't blablablogged for a bit. we've been hit hard with snow storms! in the month of february, we had two holidays & i was at professional development once... then there were FIVE SNOW DAYS and two or three late starts due to icy roads! that's a lot of lost academic time for the kids. we've all lost our momentum, i think: i'm looking forward to getting back to work in march, uninterrupted by mother nature's beautiful, tempestuous vagaries...
snow patches still sit in small & large banks on our property & the mountains that surround still are speckled white (the lingering snowiness has made me think lately of when i used to go to colorado, of boulder, of denver, of my dear departed brother-in-law paul briggs). i saw streams of snow bunnies coming in today, a steady traffic stream from the cities to see snow. many locals complain about them, but as corey said, "why do they think WE all moved here???" we agree that much of the complaining likely is racist: most of the visiting families are hispanic.
the biggest problem is trash, but if local agencies had a better system in place to deal with these bunnies, who come each & every single mother loving year like clockwork, locals could have no complaints of broken sleds & food garbage left behind.
we haven't been able to do much this past month. my fingers have been too cold to play piano much or type. we ran out of firewood, & in the brief spells between storms, foraged some from here & there. the fireplace, loaded with blazing timber, was wondrous every time, bringing life & comfort. we had a particularly nice time one day sitting like two old folks by the welcoming blaze, reading our books to  the gentle snaps, crackles, & pops from the hearth. we made soup, we watched movies, i read books & jogged & took penny for many icy, snowy hikes (& today, six miles with christy z, finally to the snow-covered summit of "edison"!)...
as for much else, james said it: "you can't do SH*T when it's cold like that!!"
the other day we drove out to lancaster to get some warmth & enjoy that funky little desert town. we love the drive, too, out along the wide-open valley through podunk towns like neenach & fairmont (there's no town, just a sign), singing along with bob wills & loving life. we walked the boulevard, happened onto a TERRIFIC art exhibit (catherine coan's exhibit in particular was brilliant, mad, funny... just smashing!), got a coffee jolt while grinning at an impossibly cute little man-baby in red & black hunting vest, went to our favorite grocery store, winco, & bought prizes for my students, lugged what firewood we could find from a felled tree at the end of the old road at 138, found dad some ultra-thick socks in a chinese restaurant-trinket shop.
tomorrow will be 51 degrees. life is back on! we got a real winter this past year, but spring's approaching & we can't wait!!!
link to lancaster art museum: exhibit we saw was called "peace on earth," as good or better than any exhibit i've seen anyplace in the world!
taxidermist, artist, writer, gorgeous madwoman catherine coan
ps, her installation was a small drawing room filled with her pieces, & the series that really caught my eye caused me to exclaim, "look! the birds have died doing stupid things humans do!!" this part of the exhibit was called "canary suicides."
!!
effortlessly cool, urbane, strange, & brilliant,"word jazz"king ken nordine left this earth last week, his visit to this planet having lasted 98 years young. rest in peace, oh hipster voice of god, oh great & powerful one!!!
flibberty jib, flibberty jab!

twiddle twiddle twiddle...

mapmyrun! what a terrific app/site! we stop every
single time penny wants to, which is 2% of the
reason for my slow times... :)

looking out at I-5

-last night i finally got to schoolwork planning & it got interesting, then i had to go to bed. i'd been fretting & procrastinating bc there's a storm supposed to come in, & when that happens, teachers & students (& parents, likely) hold their collective breath waiting for those magic words: "snow day." this morn it was coming down pretty cold & sleety-looking. i know that when that happens, brave patrice, head of MO in our district, gets up at buttcrack-thirty, boards a bus, & hammers out to the PMC road. (our bus drivers are kinda like mad max that way. one once told me, mimicking a downward gearbox shove, when the snow comes & they gotta get the kids home, "we just drop the chains & GO!!") the steep, windy PMC road, leading to the alpine village known as pine mtn club, is what makes or breaks the school day: it's notorious for hiding black ice patches that wipe out unsuspecting drivers...
- patrice called it. no school today. i type that as i look at a heartbreakingly-blue sky. that's how our weather is up here: screwy, fickle, mercurial. (that reminds me: how do i get rid of this queen earworm i've had going for some weeks? every time i relax my thoughts, i hear freddie mercury's soaring, plaintive voice & rock anthems in my noggin... oh well; it could be so, so much worse as far as earworms go...)

this looks like little in the pic, but was so steep, i had to
ascend in a crouch, using my hands, near the top!

- i was all ready for school, already had talked/texted/facetimed with all my loved ones & dear friends, eaten breakfast, cleaned house yesterday, so my thumbs started twiddling, twiddling, twiddling. yes, this weekend i got all the little things fixed that needed it, did all the chores... all that was left was... bills.
- must find diversion quick! by 9 am i was messaging a local antique dealer who is giving a bunch of stuff away. i'm trying to collect little gifts for my students to give their moms on dia de las madres. i want it all! i was just realizing how overbearing i was becoming to the poor woman (free things!! must have!! drool!!!! slaver!!) when a sponsee called & broke the obsession. i meet with her soon, but earlier, with hours to go, i took penny on a hike on a beautiful fire road i've been thinking a lot about since i started reading the wonderful reverie the man who walked through time by colin fletcher, which scott jurek had recommended in his wonderful eat and run. (i highly recommend both titles! wow! great writing & topics!)

the tiny town of frazier park looked even tinier from edison

- christy z told me last summer this road is called "edison," as in, "wanna go up edison?" ... sounds so cool... but edison is steep! windy! removed from civilization! penny & i went just 2 miles in; past that, though i could see the summit, i decided i shouldn't go without company.
- next time! it was quite a wonderful hike/jog as-was, up in the billowing clouds & wide sky looking down, down, down upon our toy-sized town/village & the tiny interstate, rounding a curve & being braced by the most invigorating mountain breeze, slogging & huffing & pounding up, then wheeee!! downhill all the way back...!

happy dog sniffed all kinds of new things today

- my thighs haven't been worked this much, so high on the quad muscle, in some time. i'll be sore, but boy, it was sure fun. :) after that, home again, lots of water, some soda, & an everything bagel with butter: nothing else could have tasted as good!




- better prep to go try to be of some good use... snow day!

Happy happy happy happy happy happy happy

I really couldn't be happier right now (unless I weighed 10 lbs less). Am under the covers on our bed looking straight out at the snow falling on the beautiful mountains around listening to James singing to himself downstairs, just booked us another trip to New Orleans, one of our very favorite places in the world, and while I did that we  listened to Sam Chatmon, whom James had never heard! And he played some Scrapper Blackwell and we agreed this country might have some big problems these days, but nothing beats our American music!... Here's a picture from the Elvis show and one of our kitty this morning looking out at the snow. Needed to record this memory since if I don't, all soon will be gone... sooner than it will be eventually, anyhow! Thank you, labor unions, because without you, I would have no weekend to enjoy this beautiful day!

Wonderful

just had the most wonderful chat with my parents about their fulfilling lives as retired creative do-gooders and my fulfilling life living in the mountains, working with children, playing music. am mentioning that conversation here so that i'll remember it... am burrowed under blankets now with doggy awaiting the hunter home from the hills, the sailor home from the sea. weather report says snow all week, but i'll believe it when i see it! meanwhile, we again are having wind gusts like a busy airfield is just up the hill. it's been like that off and on all week! never thought weather would become so important in my life! it's a huge factor in what one does or doesn't do day by day around here..

happy birthday to EAP tomorrow, on being vain, & WBJ late at night

- i wonder if elvis was vain.
- i mean, how could he have looked like he did & NOT have been?!? how could he not have gazed in the mirror & thought, "i am the most angelically handsome man ever born" or "i have the face of a greek god, the voice of a rockin' caruso & the charisma of 1000 men; i am the most blessed-by-god human creature ever created"???
- i mean, he HAD to know what he possessed, even if he was known to be basically shy, a humble country boy...
- i'm basically shy, too -- and having said that, will now exhaust my commonalities with that god placed on earth, elvis aron presley. let's see: dark hair; love of blues, gospel, western music, play a little piano, 7 syllables in our full names... &... uh... both homo sapiens... &... &... well, that's really all.
- last night i drove in torrential rain to the elvis birthday bash at joe's, sang a few songs, hung out a little, saw in a short hour at least 15 people "from the old days" (art fein! long time, no see! thank you for letting me be there!), met many  swell others, then headed home, again in torrential rain, hydroplaning, grateful for my little car's "intelligent all-wheel drive." the show was packed & big fun, but i couldn't stay bc the dog-girl was at home alone.
-ok, this next part is going to sound really nutty, but here goes:
i took a lot of photos in that short time, & these ones came back with me not looking so bad, so i got in this weird mind-state, obsessed with how i didn't look ugly, even checking back at the photos many times to see if they were real, thinking, "is that ME? that can't be me." (see? i'm a pioneer, having been a narcissist long before selfies.)
- then today mister paul body, who's always so gentlemanly, dressed to the nines, posted a video of my song & eeeeeep.... i looked & sounded really super ugly... horrifyingly so... :( so then i started to plunge into that other weird mind-state -- not the dreamy rapture that whispers, "hey, you look like an attractive female... you look like other human women... hey, maybe you're OK!" -- but the plummeting shame-fueled one: "you're  a monster!! an impostor!!! you're a beast!!! there's no hope!!"
- jeez!!!!
- these flareups of dysmorphia & my continuing, lurking addict thinking are so sick. i know the dysmorphia comes from malfunctioning neurochemicals that receive incorrect visual info. then my stupid addict mind, in continual search of a higher power, will replace it w/just about anything if i'm not careful -- in this case, physical appearance ("human suit," calls it james). i hate these stupid episodes of vanity!!!!!!
- thank goodness jani & i are working the steps again... THANK G.O.D.!!!
- luck or divine intervention caused us to have a fog delay at school, so we all got to go in 2 hours late, which was good bc last night was a late one!! the kids were happy & i was so glad to see them as well as corey & lucy & a few others!! a package came at the post office, then, the sun lingering longer in the sky,  dog-girl & i had a nice jog/hike in the nearby hills, the light & air pure loveliness. my dinner quesadilla with chipotle sauce was tasty.
- finally, here is the front & back cover of james's upcoming CD-EP. it should be completed by week's end, & then we will get it printed. it's a very well-performed piece, evidencing what a critic wrote of james, that tho bawdy & tough, he "wears his heart on his sleeve" and is "a throwback to early blue performers." his vocals & playing came out so pure & solid. the other day when he recorded the last cut, him at his computer & me, adjacent, at mine, his voice was so plaintive & powerful, i burst into tears.
- dang talented james!!!! he can really move a soul!! he, too, is truly blessed by god, the universe, the great cosmic stew. some folks just got it! the rest of us can watch in wonder. :) that's ok with me! :D

the things that we two could plan / would make the earth stand still

at the rick estrin show... thank you, pat
evans, for tickets! WBJBE will play no
stinkin' service charge show in april.

i was nervous, but now am quite happy bc james and i are going to be part of art fein's birthday bash again. :) -- nervous bc i've not been involved in that show for many years & tho @ asked for  performers, i didn't know if he'd still want me in there bc i sort of dropped off the earth musically when james & i married. to be honest, i also was nervous bc my hair's no longer black & my waist no longer smaller than my head (vanity had to be part of the reluctance, of course) (then corey yelled at me, "they've all gotten old, TOO!" in other words, get over yourself! thank you, corey)... then we took ronnie mack & tammy out to dinner at the old icehouse in bakersfield, where they now live, & ronnie flat-out invited us. thanks!! ronnie told some great stories & did the funniest imitation of walter brennan;and tammy is amazing!! she is a kung foo chinese style black belt, a high-energy friendly person who will talk your head off. she and james got in their stances in the parking lot; very funny! did i say i'd been sick? sick sick sick, couldn't get out of bed at mom & dad's, but then we moved from ronnie & tammy to rick estrin show which was HUGE fun: rick estrin is just the greatest frontman out there, i think, so weird, smooth, & talented. i'd rather watch him than just about any other male performer out there these days, especially since my other fave, besides my husband, has been greatly diminished in power by illness & tho he still performs bravely, lacks the arrogant confidence that once made him so magnetic... :(
but back to elvis show! it's on sunday and at joe's, which is only one hr from here, & tho it starts at 6 pm,  i don't know what time we're on. i was flattered bc ronnie wants me to two do of my own songs, then james will do two: ronnie remembers me as a performer, not just wife of whiteboy james! i'm doing a mashup of "one night of sin/one night with you" because the lyrics when combined sort of tell the story of james & i, & he's doing "trying to get to you," which is the first song i ever heard him sing, the first time i met him in da flesh... at the elvis bash in 2010! that's the eve he claims he saw me get out of the car "with my male entourage" with "birds and little animals flying around my head singing" and that night told his ex-guitarist "i'm gonna marry that girl" and my ex-guitarist teased me, "someone liiiiiikes you!" & i thought "whiteboy james LIKES ME!!" because he kissed me about 100x, tho we had just met... (i've told that story 100 times, but i still can't quite believe it: even w/all our times of the blues & strife, james is the love of my life & i am the love of his.)
the house is cold & the cat is so much more sociable after we returned from 4 days gone (bakersfield & ventura, the latter at which we went to the drive-in on ny eve, with two great runs in there even tho i was sick half the time)... they both slept on me the other day, the cat & dog, that is: so nice. and james is singing & playing away in the basement (we're planning a "live" solo CD for him, something to get out soon, very exciting, i can't wait to mix the music & create the packaging for it) & today he received his first "screener" from SAG, the movies that screen actors' guild members vote on. i wonder if he'll get to go to the awards ceremony? when he's done practicing, we're supposed to make a fire & watch the first film, which is something with glenn close...
i'm reading right now eat and run by scott jurek, the standout hero from my favorite running book of all time, born to run, & it's one of the best books on any topic i've read in a long time... well, it's 2019, the year of blade runner, & i've sort of resolved to do three day patterns of yoga/meditate-run-strength & to become bilingual (spanish) by year's end... and how bout you?
penny is howling plaintively, so high-pitched & sorrowful.
gonna go now.

a big pile o' sh*t

-just was reading about that ultra-unfortunate presence, the resident of the usa. :( that prompted the title of this post. :( a dear friend of mine thinks the world is not long due to the resident's actions... i hope she is just going through empty nest syndrome; i've never heard such gloom from my friend, whom i've known near-30 years. she's never even remotely political. her fundamentalist-christian brother thinks it's end times, too, tho for different reasons... ok, on to other shtuff...
-we urgently need to go to the dump. and get rid of mucho crap. this isn't like carlin's routine where my stuff is stuff & his stuff is sh*t: it's all sh*t!!
-i'm just taking a break. i was out in our big yard throwing lumber and other large pieces of heavy stuff onto the 2nd driveway, hoping for a dump run. the wind is whipping around outside. we need to paint this house. we need to paint & organize. i need to vacuum, my most hated job after toilet cleaning.

- the christmas/manuel tribute show went well. i fear i did sh*tty, tho i got nothing but the sincerest praise. it wasn't about me; the show needed to happen. i'm just being self-critical bc i saw pix & still don't look like i did when i was 40. i worry about my human suit... even though everything means nothing. maybe love means something. manuel represented love. he still does, to so many, many people. christmas was nice. our school plays went well. i saw cody, my elder stepson whom i've not seen in 3 years, at the show. that was sure a love experience. :) should have no complaints.
- we're going to take a wee vacation in a few days. the house is suffocating me. we need to get rid of mountains of sh*t. my life is pretty damned good. i love my family, my pets, my husband, my life. every deadline lately has been a real hit. i feel restless. i need to run: literally, that is, not figuratively.
- this all makes no sense; sometimes a soul's just in a mood. goodbye for now.

death warmed over

that reminds me, the new microwave just blew up.
one of my tiniest students has been sick with a high fever, very worrisome. she is a very small, delicate child. i hope she is better today. i so love my students. another few also have been really sick. today i am very sick, really weird & painful head symptoms & no energy, just blah; i'm like a sitting, standing blob of dumb soreness. our christmas play is not coming along so well... a month was not enough time for them to pull it all together after the roaring success of their haunted house. i feel terrible for scrooge, the kid i had to fire last year. he is really excelling this time... meanwhile, most others are near-crazy with visions of holidays & are not able to focus. then this gorgeous red husky came up the other day & we made the fatal error of naming him. then heard he is owned by someone who mistreats him & has not come to get him, though he has been told we have him. (i don't know where the guy lives... that is the only good thing here bc if i did, i'd feel compelled to return him, & sounds like this individual doesn't deserve to have this gentle, noble creature.) that plus manuel show, too many potlucks (one is too many, in my opinion), upcoming christmas, marriage, all this is too much right now. i wish we could keep buddy the dog, who is not just so very handsome, but docile & sweet. he even likes hanging out in the dog house dad bought penny, which penny never uses. and he lets penny, half his size, be the alpha dog, which is fortunate. bleh.... i am useless today. i feel physically like what i wrote at top, and emotionally just overwhelmed, like i said. so to do something, i did the dishes & made a final poster for sunday. i think it will be a rockin joyous feliz navidad for all. i am certain that manuel, in whose honor we are having teh show, would be very happy. :) and cody might be there. i haven't seen my older stepson in years. he is a really good egg who tries to save the world. friends are coming. i am a bless-ed individual. i'm gonna now post this & go lie down for a bit more before we take buddy lou page to the shelter on the hill so that the jerk who owns him will have to go get him & defend himself  before he can take him back. i wrote a note to accompany buddy entitled "red husky" explaining what i know. i said we'd like to adopt him, if it comes to that, tho i'm sure a beautiful beast like buddy will be swooped up quickly.

blablablablablablablablablablablablabla

everything lately is good, just good, just fine, really nice, swell, cool! the biggest news has been snow! it really snowed! here are some pix. click on public posts for 2nd snow day and 1st snow day
and here is some great! news!!! i rally wanna go to nc for this, which'll be my first time in the carolinas... must be there!! when really nothing's important in the Grand Scheme, this is Important! 5 royales plaque
i'm procrastinating. there's a pile of gifts i have to wrap, the pile's i'm not kidding 4.5 feet tall, i gotta get that stuffed wrapped, everything i wrap looks like charlie brown's christmas tree, going to bakersfield soon, hanukkah 8k tomorrow, found out i can bring penny, need to make updated flyer for christmas show with performers' names, listening to big manny christmas album & wrapping gifts, procrastinating, better run before i don't do it at all...

big manny christmas chango jam dec 23!

manuel used a phrase, "chango jam," which means monkey jam, & me, him, & James had shared pix of chimps playing guitar, harmonica, & piano. manuel said we could call our band "monkey see, monkey do."
the performers at this jam, the one on the poster, won't be changos, but manuel's phrase seemed a good one to use in order to keep the tone light and happy. hope if you can that you will come! here is link to the FB public event: https://www.facebook.com/events/1776778882448620/
here is a pic of me from our wonderful catalina trip. the finish of this race was special bc they announced my name, town,  time, & people were cheering even  from the sidelines! since i'm never a front-runner, that finish experience was a happy novelty... happy sunday.

sad & super-excited

...a strange emotional brew...
something i thought someone else would host for the last year never happened, so this year it looks like it will happen if i get it started! i hope it will happen...
the coffee maker blew up
so i'm gonna head to santa clarita to get another
and... shop both big dollar stores
meanwhile need to pay h2o bill before they shut it off
water here is so expensive!
paid the damned bills
made some calls
feet are cold
need to run
my mind is racing and confused
need to run
a friend texted she'd just "smoked a big bowl"... sometimes i think...
...
...
nah, better not.
more later

"frah-GEE-leh... must be italian!"

-darrin mcgavin's classic line from the irreverent fun of a christmas story aside, life is fragile, we are fragile, children especially can be fragile. this past week my performing & fine arts elective at our school put on an ASTOUNDING haunted house! the children were scary, hammy, gory, creepy fun, the sets they dreamed up more ghoulish than i could have, even with a lifetime of horror films within my shoes. we had a wonderful halloween party hosted by parents. the kids returned the next day emotional basket cases. i thought maybe it was sugar overdose. the next day was even more difficult, sad, & worrisome. my students are fragile. i must tend to them as best i can.

51 years in issaquah, wa

typical shopping with james :)

-in my youth, i had an a**hole of a boyfriend who had a tall, gallant, sad, grayed father, an engineer & korean conflict vet, who pronounced solemnly  that teaching was "a noble profession." more and more i feel that... also that, in addition to helping other alcoholics to find sobriety, teaching is similarly a sacred duty. my job becomes more vital each year i get to do it.

seattle with bennetts

seattle

-i'm uploading this entire year's worth of photos right now to facebook. 11 months of photos takes a loooooooong time to upload up here. recently i received a box of coffee from new orleans, LA, & delicious tho it is, it has less caffeine... i hardly can stay awake. then again, this torporous languor might be due to this 1st day of daylight savings time, which seemed to start perfectly on this day when at "old" 6 am, unlike just yesterday, outside was black, but by "new" 6 am, the wide sky sighed with autumnal hues, grays, burnt orange & umber, then pinks, reds & blues: it was time to get up, & the clock change coincided with the heavens. it seemed not just beautiful, but miraculous, tho of course the whole concept of DST was based on much research prior to its implementation...

laurel's wedding

ok, well, we have many chores inside & outside today, so i'd better get to it. here are some pix of mister james & i from the 2000 i'm uploading.
be safe, & care for your fellow beings, human & otherwise.