Monday, July 20, 2009

it's all too much

...but it'll pass. pat, the wisest woman in the world, in my reckoning, says "life is short, honey. do you want to spend it in pain?" no, i don't. she said a bunch of other stuff, too, about being a grownup & learning to say no & boundaries & listening to & heeding my gut, not just listening, then dismissing it. she says "mean what you say, say what you mean, & don't say it mean." she'd tell you herself she didn't invent that one.
-> impossible to think that one month ago was new orleans, the most beautiful place in the world... guess at this pt i'm counting the days til bd parties (1st for mama, cousin mitch, & i; then w/band & friends at my place)... was gonna leave this town this a.m., jump ship, but pat said no, you stay put. true, staying put, i can't run from feelings, responsibility, etc., & the squirming subsides, & i know life'll improve, but for now, it still feels like drowning & suffocating whenever i let my brain relax & think about It All. doesn't help it's 111 degrees. doesn't help i'm my own misery-making machine. however, i know awareness of a problem is the beginning of freedom from it. drop the rock. surrender to win. (but i really don't believe that win-lose dichotomy. i mean, we all go the same place in the end, just stardust, just skeletons.)
a few songs:
life is short. filled with stuff. don't know what for. ain't had enough.
you know i believe i'm gonna leave this town cause it hasn't brought me nothing but heartache and sorrow now, so i believe, oh i believe i'm gonna leave this town tomorrow.
maybe i'll jump ship anyhow, go see manuel, donna & kids, ruben (tho he'll prob be working), the barndance. doesn't matter anymore, i don't think. i guess i can do whatever i want, long as i don't hurt anyone (intentionally)... just gotta make it thru this summer alive... i know i'll get my smile back, & i hope a mature & happy heart, too.
stay sick, turn blue. dusk devils por vida. if you read this, amico mio, again remember: LIFE IS SHORT!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


(pic from, "home of kern county athletics") when i arrived at last night's run, paul anderson & friend made fun of my shorts: "are those leather?" "no, i think they're pleather," they said. he decided they fit my "rock star image." i told him they were from the texas thrift store. that's the name of the place - off the 35 in north austin! it's almost like a college used book store - i got a bunch of great titles, & could've gotten more if i'd had more rm in my suitcase.
last night's run was difficult (over 100 again), but great. the feeling after running is absolutely exhilarating. today is band practice, & i can't wait. i'm hoping to have myself a bd party - invite friends, family, musicians who like the stuff i like; we'll see. meanwhile, have been housesitting for my folks & am taking the dog boys back to their dad. it's been nice to hang out w/them. they live in the moment & love unconditionally. as angie sister says, "dogs are proof of god." booyah.
-p.s. - this gal is awesome:

Saturday, July 11, 2009

life goes on without me

- to quote louis prima, my future ex-husband in my next life... the consequent lyric in that wonderful tune doesn't apply much to me cause tho i sometimes have that feeling that "i ain't got nobody, nobody cares for me," i know it's just the shyster between my ears letting itself be heard like it sometimes does, the bugger.
- this summer's felt in a way like crunch time thru & thru: 1st moving, w/all the accompanying strife & slipping out of town semi-frequently to try to avoid heartache; then the extra work week; then the hoop-jumping teacher class; then the trip of a lifetime; then my sobriety bd (friends! cake! love! thank you, dear jani, dan m, sally c, & all others who wished me well!); then trying to pass my library class (put in an 11-hour work day to finish the final assignment the other day) while cousin & brood & all these family members visited; then band practices; then uncle henry's funeral w/full military honors (b showed up, sincere & responsible, because uncle henry was his friend, & w/water for the old people, & tho i was grateful he was there, it made it much sadder)... only now, after today's gig, do i feel like i can start relaxing, tho tomorrow i take my cousin to the airport up north.
but today's gig! what fun! drummer jim hit most spots right, & he's developed the "push" i like to hear, the oomph, the torque (as brian p used to say) a good song needs. philbert & mark were duded up, friendly, funny, & played really great! as we were trying to get the sound dialed in, we bantered w/each other like we do & the girl announcer said, "yes, ladies & gentlemen, you probably didn't know the dusk devils are a comedy act, too..." we started the 1st song & the piano glopped from the monitors like pure mud, like the bottom of a bathtub, only discernible when i moved above middle C. still, i could hear my vocals & the others, so as is so often the case, pushed on thru! dedicated one to uncle henry, kids danced, people clapped & cheered (& left their relay laps to sit down & listen!)... overall, i think this was the best relay for life gig i've gotten to do. not bad!... afterward, we all drove back to bako, the dusk devils comedy show, til mark started nodding off. then we got fish & chips at the bowling alley & came back to my house to unload & watch pt of faster pussycat kill! kill! while waiting for mark's 2nd gig that night. when we found out it was cancelled, everyone went home & now here i sit, feeling thankful to get to play music w/such swell friends. i feel pretty calm & happy, not wired & weird, like sometimes happens, so believe it'll be mimis time here shortly. life is good, in my clean little house w/my new yamaha clavinova peeking at me from the living rm. (know will have to go play it for a while before turning in.).
besides scoring that great piano (from salvation army! 250 bucks!!), the most exciting music event for me recently was seeing the preservation hall jazz band in fresno. mom & dad took me for my birthday & w/the 1st notes, tears jumped from my eyes & my throat swelled w/happiness: if you've been there, instantly you were transported back to the big easy, filled w/such a longing to be there again RIGHT NOW, but that would mean missing the romance of that lovely music, the loose dixieland bluesy-woozy feel, the exquisite camaraderie & friendly repartee, the warmth & generosity the band radiated to the audience... i bought every bit of swag they had & then at the end of the 2nd act, they did 2 amazing things: one was a 2nd-line around the tower theatre's perimeter, band leading audience, on "when the sts go marching in;" then a finale in which the band caravanned up the aisles & out the door, playing the whole way the rhumba-clave "el manicero," & drew the audience out to the foyer where all grouped around as the musicians continued playing out on the street, just like they would in nola, & then they concluded & the audience cheered in the happiest union of audience/performers i've seen in some time. all the way home, dad, mom, & i yakked a mile a minute, so swelled up w/love & music & gratitude to have been together to see such a great new orleans institution... if you get any chance to go, don't miss the preservation hall jazz band!!! choko mo feel no hey, and bonne nuit, baby!!

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

what a lovely way to burn

some things i've learned: don't go running when you've just eaten. be on time for the race. don't run if it's over 100 degrees. the above picture shows me having violated all of these, & tho i look about to keel, i must say i had a cool shirt on! :)
yes, despite it all, yesterday's run was fun!!! go to to for pictures & more info.
we're practicing in 1/2 hr! i'm so excited! ... even tho the little house is a hotbox. we're gonna rock!